


Say It

by vinemidnight14



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Force Bond (Star Wars), Plot Twists Galore, Post-TLJ, Rating May Change, Redeemed Ben Solo, Renperor, emotional reckoning, pain but it’s worth it, redemption arc, so much female friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-02-18 03:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 94,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13091148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinemidnight14/pseuds/vinemidnight14
Summary: Rey helps build the Resistance while Kylo Ren struggles to step into his role as Supreme Leader of the First Order. Their Force Bond continues, stronger than ever. Both try to resist it but find themselves helplessly drawn to one another. Each grapples with what that means.





	1. At Night, Desperate to Sleep

“I’m Rey,” she said with a grin, extending her hand to the handsome pilot before her.

“I know,” he replied, eyes swimming with a charm that seeped through his smile, his dimples, the little gap in his teeth. Her heart gave a leap as he took her hand, and she grinned even wider. She withdrew her hand but tried to cling to the warmth that she felt here, in this moment, surrounded by people who cared about her. Good people. Brave people.

But underneath that warmth was an emptiness, a loneliness that she couldn’t escape. She glimpsed Finn’s gentle care for Rose and hugs between Resistance members she had yet to meet. She saw their affection, deep and true despite the many losses they suffered. The ache within her echoed, crashed, and lingered, knocking around her mind and heart like the clanging, broken parts of an abandoned ship on Jakku.

No one. Nothing.

How did she feel so desperately distant from the comfort in the room? She willed herself to feel at peace.

For the briefest of moments, the emptiness inside her pulsed, reaching through the Force… she longed to hear the sound drain from the room. She longed for a different echo. The echo of a resonating baritone voice. She longed for the bone-deep empathy reflected in wide, brown eyes and a long face.

But the instant was gone as soon as it came. She clenched her fist in self-chastisement, digging her fingernails into her palm. She allowed the longing to freeze over into stony contempt. How could she be so foolish? Kylo Ren had made his choice, and besides, she knew she couldn’t control their strange connection.

“Rey, are you alright?” came a kind, worn voice. She met Leia’s eyes, dark, knowing, expressive, and so like Ben Solo’s. A sliver of hope crept back into her.

She forced her thoughts away from the General’s son. “Luke… he’s gone. I felt it. But he didn’t die with sadness; he felt peace and purpose.”

“I felt it too,” she replied with a knowing smile. Leia took Rey’s hand. “Things may seem dark now, but Luke’s sacrifice had meaning. We have something here that we can build. I believe that. Do you?”

Rey looked around again. Could this scarce crew really bring down the First Order? “If I have anything to say about it. I have faith in the light.”

“It seeps off of you in waves. We need you here, Rey.” Leia squeezed her hand intently. “I feel more at peace with you on this ship; I think the whole crew does.”

Rey smiled truly. Those words sunk into her heart, and she began to feel that she actually mattered. _I am not nothing. I matter to her. To the Resistance_.

“Is there anything else you want to tell me, Rey?” Leia’s eyes pierced her own. “What happened on the island?”

This was her chance. If she were to tell anyone, it would be Leia. Leia, Ben’s mother, wouldn’t cast her out for her treacherous bond in the Force. She would understand, wouldn’t she? But how could Rey tell her? How would she even begin to explain? She wanted to give Leia hope, to tell her of the light, the conflict she felt in her son. But she feared it would just cause more pain. She feared that Leia would reject her, abandon her. And deep down, part of her wanted to keep this bond to herself. Though she wouldn’t allow herself to admit that.

“Luke was remarkably grumpy,” she finally began, “but he trained me well. I couldn’t convince him to return with me, but in the end, he did what was right. We were right to hope in him.” Leia searched her face. She clearly knew there was more to tell, but she didn’t press the issue.

“We were. Now if you excuse me, I need some rest. The sleeping quarters will be tight for a time, until we can relocate to a more permanent base. I hope you can make yourself comfortable. Rey, I want you to know that if you need anything you can come to me. There are few enough women around here, and I get tired of 3PO’s nagging.”

“Thank you, General. I will,” Rey replied earnestly.

“And Rey, please do shower. You smell like fish and sweat.”

Rey nearly choked on her spit. “As you command,” she said, laughing, despite the flush rising in her cheeks. She had avoided showering of late, having no idea when the Force might decide to embarrass her with an unwanted voyeur. Leia turned, followed by her elegant robes. Not even the worn interior of the Millenium Falcon could make her look anything less than regal. Rey looked down at her own tattered clothes. Force, she needed to change.

She sought out the cramped refresher just past the cockpit. She had rummaged around for a change of clothes and eventually settled on a pair of dark trousers and a loose-fitting beige tunic that she’d cinch with a belt. She also found a leather jacket that she quite liked. She laid out all of the clothes so that she could get into them as soon as possible. Though she felt she had effectively closed off her bond with Ben, she couldn’t be too careful. She turned on the stream of water and swiftly stepped out of her clothes, peeling off layer by layer until all that was left was a coat of grime and blood from her recent battles. She stepped into the refresher, and her shoulder stung where the Praetorian guard had sliced her. The wound brought with it a fresh flash of emotion, still raw from all that had transpired aboard the Supreme Leader’s ship. She lathered herself with soap from head to toe as quickly as possible, trying to scrub off the memories and enjoy the feel of the water while it lasted. Within five minutes she was cleaned, dried, and dressed yet again.

When she slid the leather jacket onto her shoulders, she finally exhaled. She had made it through the shower without any awkward encounter, and she beamed like a child as she stared into the mirror. _Little victories_ , she told herself. She started to gather her hair into her traditional three-bun style, but in a moment of defiance, she decided to simply let her hair fall loose. It was night, she was safe, and she wanted to feel comfortable. She no longer cared about being recognized by parents who didn’t give a damn about her.

Rey made her way to the sleeping quarters, where some were sardined into the few cots on the ship, while the rest utilized what space they could, using whatever sleeping bags and blankets they could find aboard the Falcon. Rey spotted Finn, Rose, and Poe lying in a corner, and she went to join them. There wasn’t much privacy, but there was enough space for her to sleep comfortably and stretch out. To be quite honest, she had done much worse on Jakku.

She lay back and pulled her jacket tight around her, taking deep breaths, willing sleep to come. But her mind and heart would not quiet. They were alert and fried from the events of the past twenty-four hours. She was amazed at what humans could handle, and she was beginning to wonder if she could handle much more. Perhaps this journey would provide respite from the intense highs and lows of intimacy and loneliness and hope and fear that she had felt within the space of a day.

She hadn’t realized that her heart rate had quickened, and she forced her breathing to slow once again, matching it with the rhythm of her sleeping friends beside her. She closed her eyes. Here, alone, she finally allowed her thoughts to drift back to Ben Solo. It wasn’t at all hard to find him, under the facade of Kylo Ren. She thought of the feel of his fingers on hers. She thought of his careful, intent steps toward her every time they were together. Of the look in his eyes as he begged her to come with him. It shredded her, deep from her belly all the way to the backs of her eyes, like the slow dragging of a knife. His future had felt so clear and certain in her mind, and her heart gaped to think of what was lost. Beyond anger, beyond contempt and disappointment and frustration, she just allowed herself to feel loss and sadness. And longing.

She turned on her side, and she was puzzled when she could no longer hear her friends’ deep breaths. All sound drained from the room until she could only hear one single person, so clear she could swear she heard a heartbeat. Her eyes shot open, and even in the dark, she could see his pale face, bearing a haunted expression. She flinched backward and almost jumped to her feet, but she stopped herself for fear of appearing odd to the others. She didn’t even allow herself to gasp, but her breathing became hitched. He sleepily opened his eyes, and his expression softened before it hardened into something Rey could only describe as wounded. The only sound between them was their quickening breaths.

Rey immediately surmised that he, too, was in bed. His chest was bare and the rest of him was covered by a soft gray sheet. That is, she assumed it was soft. Ben’s eyes raked her up and down, pausing curiously on her jacket. His gaze was more mournful than lusty, but it still made her skin prickle. For a while, they simply lay there staring at one another, barely blinking. Neither said a thing. Rey tried to turn away, to ignore him, but she couldn’t. There was a hollow space in her heart that she felt being filled, sated, made whole, and she couldn’t tear herself away from it. She felt the same struggle in Ben. She longed to reach out, to make him real, but the sting of betrayal and Ben’s--Kylo Ren’s--choices were too raw. He continued to say nothing, nor did he move. Rey began to drift off, feeling safe in a way that she never before had in this vulnerable state. On Jakku, she was used to having to be on alert at all times, ready to fend for her life at the slightest sound in the night. But here, lying face to face with the Supreme Leader of the First Order, she never felt less at risk. What in the galaxy did that say about her?

Her thoughts trailed down this path as she slipped into sleep, and only then did Ben say something.

“That’s my jacket, you know.”


	2. I Feel It Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren is all heart and fire, and that hasn't changed since he came into his new role in the First Order. Here is a day in the life, of sorts.

Kylo Ren awoke with a start. His droid beeped into the dark expanses of his chambers, and the light gradually faded on. There was an indent on his mattress beside him, where the scarce weight of Rey had slept last night. He felt a knife twist in his heart; regret and yearning seeped throughout his body like a poison. He hated her for making him feel thus and hated himself for feeling it.

  
He couldn’t remember falling asleep last night; he only knew that he desperately didn’t want to. He wanted to lie there and take in every millimeter of her face. He wanted to memorize the image of her in his jacket, one of the last gifts that his father had given him. He’d wear it anytime he could shed his Jedi robes and go on a dangerous trek with Han. He never thought he’d see that jacket again--never wanted to. He wanted to burn with rage. But all he felt was a cutting sadness and a strange desire to feel the way the worn leather felt on Rey--to trace over her arms, her waist and know the way it gave her warmth.

  
He’d known instantly that they must be on the Millenium Falcon. He felt panic rising in him as soon as he’d realized it, but he’d focused instead on Rey’s hazel, almond-shaped eyes. On the freckles painting her smooth skin. She soothed him. His mind felt clear and whole.  
Part of him wanted to reach out and touch her--not out of lust, though that was there, but just out of pure, instinctive longing. Would he appear in the Falcon, like he had in the hut on Ach-To? He wondered if Rey had told anyone about their bond, but immediately he knew that she never would. She would keep him as her dirty little secret, and he would let her.

Presently, Kylo Ren’s body ached from the battle against the Praetorian Guards, but he needed to train. He needed to exert himself; he needed to hurt. Before he moved he traced his hand over the imprint left by Rey’s body, oscillating between heat and cool, want and contempt. Suddenly, he threw his sheets off of himself and began to ready for the day, donning his lean dark trousers, tunic, belt, and cape. He hesitated before sliding on his gloves, feeling the phantom touch of Rey’s fingers. But he forced them on, quenching the memory and the heat that still scorched.

  
When he was dressed and readied, he finally played the message indicated by the blinking light on his droid. Of course, it was from General Hux.

“Supreme Leader, you are needed on the Bridge. We have urgent news from our scouting ships.” His muscles tensed, and he felt ready to strike. Training can wait, he forced himself to accept.

  
He exited his chambers and marched purposefully to the Bridge, fists clenched.  
“What is it?” Kylo Ren seethed when the hateful sycophant came into sight.

  
“Supreme Leader, we have urgent news from our scouting ships,” the weasel-haired man trilled.

  
“I already gathered that from your message,” Kylo managed through gritted teeth. Hux flinched. “What news?”

  
“The Resistance is fleeing aboard the Millennium Falcon,” Hux began carefully, clearly expecting the usual fury that followed a mention of the ship’s name. But his recent encounter in the Force kept him at bay; his thoughts were too focused elsewhere to boil and burst here and now. Hux’s eyes narrowed curiously when no such rage occurred.

  
“And?”

  
“Their current location is unknown, but all intel indicates that they are seeking support from a nearby star system. Our analysts believe them to be heading to Naboo.”

Kylo schooled his features into complacency, but inside his mind was racing. _Rey? Naboo?_ Now he had a direction, a destination. He knew where to find Rey—a place he’d frequented as a young boy.

  
“Well done, General. Keep me informed.” Though he loathed the man, he remembered Snoke’s words. He would use this cur’s weakness, sharpen it like a knife, just as the late Supreme Leader had used his own.

  
Hux was visibly flummoxed at Kylo Ren’s agreeable response, the closest to approval he’d ever given him. “Yes, Supreme Leader. Thank you.”

  
Without another word, Kylo left the Bridge and went immediately to the training room, shedding his cape and gripping his lightsaber with an untamed ferocity. 

  
What would he do, when he found her? he wondered.

  
Two Knights of Ren approached, their sabers ignited. Kylo allowed his to roar to life, the harsh red stream casting a red glow to his skin, his eyes. They began sparring, he, one, against their two. He spun and slashed until his arms ached, desperately wishing the exertion and smooth, fluid movements would take his mind from Rey, from Naboo. But he had no such luck.

  
He should kill her. He should strike her down and rid himself of this weakness, destroy her as he’d promised Luke he would do. He allowed these murderous thoughts to take hold of him as he landed stroke after stroke against the sabers of his Knights. His blood boiled and the burning need to _destroy_ kept surging, and he let it sing through his movements.

  
Soon his two combatants yielded, and without a word the Supreme Leader stalked out of the room and returned immediately to his chambers, throwing whatever piece of machinery he could lift as hard as he could. He relished the crashing sound it made as it collided with the wall. He longed to rage further, appreciating the privacy of his expansive room that allowed greater freedom for outbursts such as these. He _wanted_ so deeply and desperately that he wished he could tear it out of him, as swift and violent as tearing out a heart. He tore off his tunic, feeling overwhelmed by the heat it contained after his training.

  
With his skin bare, he felt his violent emotions slip from him as voraciously as they had come. He breathed deeply, allowing himself to let calm seep back in, and sank onto the edge of his bed. It was strange, now that Snoke was gone, the silence he encountered so easily and naturally. It made him question so much—the voices of doubt, despair, poisonous thoughts. He was beginning to question such deeply held convictions that he had thought were central to who he was. And though he felt a sliver of freedom, he ultimately felt lost. More alone than ever.

  
Just then, the silence shifted to something else, something that resonated. His heart jolted, a bolt that struck his core, and his blood boiled anew, regaining the flame from before but in an entirely different way. It certainly wasn't rage he felt as the familiar slight form appeared before him.  
He stood from the edge of his bed and stepped toward her, somewhere between cautious and predatory. Her brown eyes lifted and met his, a moment of welcome, followed instantly by guardedness and perhaps even panic. Her hair was down and loose and beautiful. She still wore his dark, worn jacket, and it stirred him to see it.

  
“Rey,” he said lowly.

  
Her expression grew grave and she gave the slightest shake of her head, then she turned to someone, whomever she was with. “Sorry, could you excuse me? I’ll be back in a moment.”

  
Her eyes darted around, and he felt her searching for privacy. She marched decidedly to her right.

  
“Where are we now?” Kylo asked inquisitively.

  
“A supply closet,” she responded coldly. He smiled suggestively and leaned closer.

“I can't very well ignore you, and I don't want the Resistance thinking I'm insane.”

  
“Can't ignore me, can you?” he said teasingly.

  
Rey’s face hardened. “This _really_ isn't a good time,” she spat, crossing her arms and trying to close herself off from him.

  
“You know neither of us can control when this happens.” Her face was all venom, but he could see—no, feel—the slightest crack in her resolve. She turned her eyes to the ground.

  
“I don't want to see you,” said quietly into the small space between them. It felt utterly wrong—the Force wouldn't allow lies between them here.

  
His eyebrows knitted. “Both of us know that's not true.”

  
“I don't want to want to see you,” she admitted and met his eyes intently.

  
“That I can understand,” he said sadly, matching her gaze.

  
“Why did you do it?” she pleaded, tears forming in her eyes.

  
“Why did I do what? I seem to recall, _you_ were the one who left _me_.”

  
“You gave me no choice. And that's not what I'm talking about.” Her voice was low and strained.

  
“What, then?”

  
“Why did you save me?” And there it was. The question tore out of her, feral and raw.

  
He could've been cruel. He could've said it was for power or to prove himself, but she would've known it was false. So he told her the truth. “Because I wanted to,” he paused, and brought his hands over the leather on her arms. “Because I had to.” His nose drew closer to hers, his lips only a breath away. Rey closed her eyes. They stood like that for a time, just breathing each other in, and Kylo felt the familiar wholeness he was beginning to feel anytime she was around. Rey placed a tentative hand on his bare chest and opened her eyes, squarely meeting his hungry gaze. The sensation that came with it—with their skin-to-skin contact—was like being tossed under a wave, deep, overwhelming, inescapable. And in those depths, in their locked eyes, an image began to take form. The same image that had appeared in the hut, summoned by the touch of hands. Ben and Rey, together. Their surroundings foggy and gray, but the two of them clear. He brought his hand to hers on his chest, his giant palm swallowing her delicate fingers, and he willed the vision to take form. Their skin burned where it met, but both refused to let go. Their hands felt like magnets, like twin flames intertwining irrevocably.

  
Just then, a pounding knock came on the closet door. “Ben,” she whispered before disappearing, leaving him gaping and alone in his chambers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MEEEEEEEEEEEP. Hope you enjoyed! :) Any comments appreciated. What do you want to see next?


	3. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance has a plan.

  
“Rey!” chirped a voice through the door, accompanied by more pounding. “Are you okay? Hello?”

  
“Just a moment,” she replied hastily, rubbing her hands over her face and eyes, hoping to wipe away whatever emotion lay bare. Her hand still burned from Ben’s chest, and she willed it to cool. She squared her shoulders and opened the door. A fist almost crashed into her face. Rose’s fist.

  
“Oh, Rey! So sorry. I just… you said you'd be gone a minute. I was worried. Especially because…” Rose halted her nervous pace and nodded at the door. “What were you doing in there?”

  
Anxiety bubbled up in Rey’s throat. Thus the lying began. “I felt a pulse in the force,” she said evenly. It wasn't necessarily a lie, was it?

  
“Woah,” the tiny technician said, “I'm gonna have to get used to this. I've never really known a Force user.”

  
“It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?”

  
“My sister and I always believed. Stories of Luke Skywalker gave us hope when we were little.”

  
“Me too,” she replied, wistful and weepy. Her eyes stung.

  
“I'm sorry for your loss, by the way,” Rose said sadly of the Jedi master.

  
“I'm sorry for all the loss. I'm not the only one grieving.” Rey looped her arm through the crook of the other woman’s elbow.

  
“Grieving together makes it a little easier to bear,” Rose said softly, leaning her head against Rey’s shoulder. Companionship with her came as naturally as flying a ship. After a beat of simply standing there, Rose continued her gentle prodding. “Are you alright? I mean… I thought you might've been…” her voice lowered with each pause, “in the supply closet… were you talking to yourself?”

  
Rey’s heart pounded. She didn't even want to imagine the betrayal that would stain Rose’s face if she told her. Rey barely even knew her, but from what she’d seen of her bravery, her righteous heroism, she couldn’t fathom what she’d look like to Rose. Fortunately, Rose didn't know Rey nearly well enough to sniff out her deceit. Wrap a lie in truth. She could do that. “Old habits die hard. I lived alone for 14 years on Jakku. Gets a little quiet.”

  
“I find myself talking to the pipes every now and then, so I can't fault you for that. Are you hungry?”

  
“Famished,” she admitted with relief. The two made their way to the makeshift mess hall in the Falcon, which was little more than a cramped room with a couple of tables, surrounded by two dozen people in shades of brown and orange. There wasn't much for food, either, but it was certainly more than she could scavenge for on Jakku. She dug into her meal without complaint.

  
Suddenly, a hush came over the crowd, and for a moment her heart jerked, thinking maybe it was the Force… _Ben_. But no, it was simply his mother making a graceful entrance into the room. General Leia Organa silenced the Resistance with a single glance, her tiny stature filling up the entire space, cramped though it was. For an instant, the General locked eyes with Rey, and a puzzled look crossed Leia’s face as she took in the younger woman’s appearance. Rey pulled her jacket tighter around her body.

  
“Our cries for help have not been ignored,” she began. She paused and let the words resonate. “We’ve received word from a Mid-Rim planet, one that harbors loyalty for my name.” Every ear was rapt on her gravelly, commanding voice. “Naboo.”

  
Rey couldn't read the reaction in the room. Some faces looked wary, some intrigued. She closed her eyes and reached into the Force. _Yes_ , it seemed to tell her. She looked back to Leia’s eyes and saw the same assurance, the same certainty.

  
“With our fuel levels, we’ll arrive in three days. I'm sure you're all itching to get out of these quarters.” She chuckled, and the tension seemed to evaporate from the room. “I am too. There are so few of us left—we must move forth with trust and transparency. We’ll need to enter the planet’s atmosphere with as much cloaking as the Falcon can offer. No dilly dallying in the sand; we’ll have to be as covert as possible when we rendezvous with my contact. I'm counting on all of you to make this work. This is only the beginning. We may be starting from scratch, but our scratch is strong. Enjoy this piece of junk while it lasts, and may the Force be with us.”

  
As she finished speaking, people began to disperse. They still had three days, but there was a frantic, excited energy that simmered around the room.

  
“Naboo,” Rey whispered to herself, testing the way it felt in her mouth. A flick of the tongue, a press of the lips. The word felt like a kiss. She liked Naboo already.

  
A weight plopped down on the bench across from her. She hadn't realized she was alone, that Rose had left, until Finn was snapping a finger in front of her face.

  
“Rey, you in there?” he said lightly.

  
“Not really,” she teased back.

  
They sat for a moment in companionable silence. “I missed you,” said Finn, a sincere smile spread over his face.

  
The words hit her chest with a crash. “I missed you too,” she replied, meaning it with everything she had. Finn was her very first friend. “Where did you go? How'd you meet Rose? Fill me in!”

  
“I met Rose,” he paused, searching for the right words and eventually settling on the truth. “I was trying to escape, and she stopped me. Not my finest moment. We've been places you wouldn't believe. Canto Bight… even the First Order’s ship!”

  
Anxiety crept back into her like a slow, menacing cloud. “You were on the Supremacy?” her voice was a whisper as sharp as a knife. “Why in the galaxy were you on that ship?”

  
“A daring stroke of heroism, obviously,” he joked. His face fell in an instant. “One that nearly got all of us killed.” Rey’s brows knit with concern. “What happened with you?” he asked.

  
She struggled for a moment, puzzling over how best to lie to him, but thankfully she didn't have to.

  
“Rey,” the General said, seeming to appear out of nowhere. “With me.”

She mouthed a hurried “sorry” to Finn and swiftly followed Leia to the small captain’s quarters in the back of the ship. Soon the two women were alone. Silence settled for a moment, a pained expression marring the General’s face.

  
“Your jacket,” Leia managed. Rey met her eyes unwaveringly, praying her face remained impassive.

  
“Found it in a storage bin,” Rey replied cheerily. Though she felt a vice locked around her heart.

  
“It suits you.” Leia’s face oozed nostalgia, and Rey didn't dare say anything more. “Better be careful though. Commander Dameron can’t take his eyes off you.”

  
Rey made a strangled noise somewhere between a scoff, a yelp, and a snort. “Commander… Poe?”

  
“Careful with that flyboy, Rey.”

  
“Noted.” She tried not to laugh. _What a bizarre exchange_ , she thought with a strange giddiness. “Is that all?”

  
“Of course not. Rey, I'm going to need you by my side as we rally support for the Resistance. If Princess Leia can't guarantee their help, the last Jedi sure as hell better. That means covert meetings with rich people who want to feel good about themselves. And good people who want to make a difference.” She paused. “And it means finding as many Force sensitive people as we can. Do you think you can do that?”

  
Rey swallowed and straightened her spine. This is what her training was for. This is her purpose. “I can.”

  
“Good,” Leia nodded, then stared into the distance, “because we really have no other choice. We can't let Snoke corrupt more young Force users,” Leia said bitingly, but Rey knew the yawning, stabbing pain beneath those words.

  
“Snoke is dead.” The words tumbled out of Rey’s mouth before she could stop them. Leia’s eyes snapped back to Rey. Anger, relief, confusion and a whole host of emotions slipped across her features. But she settled on distant distrust.

  
Tense silence hung between them.  
“Is that true?” Leia finally asked.

  
“Yes.”

  
Silence again.

  
“How? How do you know that?”

  
Rey fumbled. “I felt it… in the Force—”

  
“Cut the crap. What happened?”

  
Rey took a deep breath, shaking slightly, willing herself to still. “I flew to the Supremacy. I thought maybe… I don't know what I thought. Snoke captured me, tortured me. But B–Kylo Ren. Your son. He killed him.”

  
The words hit Leia like a punch to the gut. “What?” she breathed.

  
Rey’s heart twisted, remembering the moment. Staring face to face with Ben. She hoped against all hope that he wouldn't do it, but Snoke’s slithery voice made her certain that he was going to kill her. She couldn't read his face, but despite it all she’d felt that pulsing, tender connection binding them. And he’d saved her. In the moment she’d felt desperate and raw—more than gratitude, she’d felt a scorching, surging _need_. She didn't know if it was her own feeling or his, but deeper still she knew that it was shared, tangled in the threads between them. As they faced the Praetorian guards, their fluid bodies moved as one. Fraying, fiery instinct drove them. But then he’d thrown it away.

  
Her eyes stung for what felt like the thousandth time that day, and Rey forced the feeling away. She shook off the memory. “There's a new Supreme Leader now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not much Kylo and Rey in this chapter, but I'm setting the stage. More to come soon :) As always, comments are greatly appreciated!


	4. Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is maddeningly single-minded. Rey has consumed him.

Kylo Ren’s hands gripped the edge of his sink, knuckles as white as the stark walls of his bathroom. He looked hard at himself in the mirror. For a flicker of a moment, his eyes landed on his scar. So much of him was marked by Rey--she existed across his skin in traces, and with every touch of her hand or scorch of her saber, a little bit more of him belonged to her.

His soft countenance hardened into a scowl. He didn’t want to belong to her. But deeper within himself, oh, he wanted to. As much as he wanted to possess her, even more so he wanted her to own him, body and soul. He slammed his hand against the white marble countertop and violently turned the faucet for cold water. He let the coolness of it pool in his hands, filling each rivulet of his palm.

It had been two days since he’d last seen Rey, and the sound of his name escaping her lips still rang through his mind. He had become insufferably agitated. That place of wholeness that Rey occupied felt emptier with every passing hour that she was absent, and he tried to fill it with violence. His arms were heavy and taut from the hours of training he’d used to distract himself, his knuckles red and swollen from the frustrated punches he threw in his chambers. He thought he could fill this hole, but every effort he exerted only made him hungrier. For her. For Rey.

He splashed some of the water on his face. Biting his lip, he pushed himself off the sink, slipped his cape around his shoulders, shoved his hands into his gloves, and stormed out of his chambers.

The weight of his cape had never felt heavier.

“Hux,” Kylo snapped when he came to the bridge.

“Supreme Leader,” Hux replied with a dutiful bow, but disdain rolled off of him, a tangible cloud hanging between them. As Kylo’s agitation and unrest had grown, so had Hux’s impatience, but so, too, had his fear. Kylo wondered when the moment would come that he had no choice but to kill him. For now, though, he needed the hateful man.

“Mark our course for Naboo,” the Supreme Leader commanded. If the Force wouldn’t give him Rey, then he’d have to find her himself.

“We should wait for word from our informants on the planet; there is no certainty if that’s really where they’re going--” Kylo lifted his hand, and immediately Hux’s voice cut out, his hand shooting to his throat. The redhead man’s eyes watered with relief when there was no loss of air. Kylo had trained him well--he didn’t even need to choke Hux to get him to shut up.

“Do you defy me?” Kylo Ren seethed, his face twisted in an angry snarl.

“No, no of course not, Supreme Leader,” Hux backtracked pathetically. “I just wonder… Why such haste? Would not a sure, swift stroke be more effective in eliminating the threat?”

Kylo turned his broad shoulders, facing the General full on. “Need I justify myself to you?” Every inch of him was intimidating.

“No. Never,” Hux nervously assured. “Might it be wiser to send a small retinue? They hardly need the full force of the First Order fleet.”

Kylo remained silent. Hux shifted nervously.

“Supreme Leader, our forces are wary after the incident with Skywalker on Crait. I urge you not to let the whole regime in on your personal vendettas…” he paused, quite baffled that he hadn’t yet been thrown against a wall. He continued cautiously, carefully. “I wonder… does this have anything to do with the scavenger girl?”

His words died with a yelp as Kylo Ren’s arm flung out, dragging Hux across the floor until his throat landed in Kylo’s outstretched hand. His gloved fingers dug into the General’s neck. “You presume to question my intentions?” he raged vehemently. “That _traitor_ slaughtered our Supreme Leader. This vendetta isn’t personal; it’s the business of the entire First Order, and if you had any sense you would seek to kill the Resistance in its cradle before that damned Jedi can sink her claws into the influential players on Naboo. This isn’t a game; this is war.” Hux’s face had begun to turn purple, and something inside Kylo truly unlatched itself. For a mad moment, he thought he’d let Hux die right here. But he was right; the First Order was wary of him, and without Hux to command the armies, he would lose control of his people. He released Hux, and the man clattered to the ground, gasping and heaving.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” he managed through hoarse coughs.

In his tumultuous mind, a plan began to take form. He wanted to eradicate the Resistance, but he didn’t have to kill Rey. In truth, he knew he never could. “You are wise, General Hux. We don’t need the whole fleet. I will lead the mission myself, with a small guard.” Anyone else would take no care for her life--no, only he could carry this out.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux said again, pained and monotonous.

Without another word, Kylo Ren swept away from the bridge and made for the throne room. With each step, he felt his agitated excitement calming, his head clearing. He had a path now.

Kylo hadn’t been in this room since he’d killed Snoke. Since he’d fought side-by-side with Rey. He stood before the throne and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

His heart stung as a needle of guilt sewed through him. Just a sliver. He let the First Order believe Rey had killed Snoke. What kind of danger did that put her in? Deep in his primordial depths, he scorned himself for doing so and felt a spiking call to _protect_ seize him. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to slaughter the Resistance and steal her away, or whether he wanted to wipe out the entire First Order just to keep her safe. He felt within him the capacity, the power to do both.

Another voice in his head chimed in. _Murder will never be the path to Rey_ . _Continue in your path of cruelty, and you will never have her._ Was this his own? It sounded dangerously like the boy he’d once been. _You could lose her forever_.

He took another step toward the throne, remembering the pleading of Rey, and his own pleading. Had she thrown it all away, or was it he?

Before he could answer the question, a swinging silence swept into the room, and he nearly lost his footing, so hard did it crash into him.

He heard a small gasp behind him. Slowly he turned, praying it wasn’t his imagination.

But sure enough, there she was, standing there surrounded by the red of the room with an inscrutable expression on her face. Inscrutable, perhaps, except for relief--a relief he felt just as palpably in himself.

He stepped toward her without thinking, as though it were simple gravity, he a moth, she a bright, burning flame.

Nearly close enough to touch, she casually put up a hand to halt him. He stopped instantly, as if he had met with a wall. The hand continued toward his mouth; she lifted a single finger, but still she didn’t come into contact. _Shh_ , he felt her say.

“Must be hard to find privacy on the Falcon,” he quipped anyway. She squinted at him, annoyed. But he saw the way the side of her mouth twitched.

“Just as you say, General,” she said to the middle distance beside Kylo. “I’ll do everything I can.”

He felt his face fall, thinking back to the attack on the Resistance’s ship. Already they replaced his mother with a new General. He couldn’t mask his woundedness. Despite it all, he loved Leia.

Her eyes slid back to him, then back to the middle distance, and he could tell she was searching for somewhere they could be alone. His pulse quickened. He followed her and heard the close of a door, the sliding of a bolt.

“Supply closet again?” he said with a smirk. “No, I suppose not--far too suspicious.”

“I’m not telling you where we are, and I don’t appreciate you eavesdropping on my highly confidential conversations.”

“I didn’t try to do that,” he said earnestly. “And I don’t know how anything can truly be confidential with us… really, we’re both liabilities. A new General already?” Kylo commented evenly, but he couldn’t prevent a slight trip of his voice.

“Sorry? New General?”

“Leia… My mother,” he paused and forced himself away from his memories, his pain. “She was killed in an attack on the Resistance. I saw it.”

“Didn’t prevent it, did you?” She spat at him. “You’re wrong. Leia’s alive. She saved herself with the force, no thanks to you.”

 _Alive?_ he thought, and he knew his face betrayed every movement of his heart. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he seethed back at her, breathing deeply to quell this new surge of emotion.

Rey’s mouth worked up in anger for a moment, but in an instant, she deflated. “You’re right,” she admitted. “I don’t.”

Yet another shock. He felt his face soften.

Silence fell between them. They stood, and stared, and breathed. Even in this, he felt, they were in sync.

“I thought,” he began hesitantly. “I thought perhaps you found a way to close our Bond.”

Her eyes sharpened in what almost looked like betrayal. “No,” she said simply. But he felt the depth behind that word, the shared understanding. Losing this connection would be worse than suffocating. Worse than losing a limb.

He took a step closer, pupils swallowing his dark irises, just as Rey’s hazel eyes widened into black. He leaned toward her ear, not yet touching. “I missed you,” he murmured in a breathy whisper. Her own breath felt hot against his neck. Kylo drew himself back the slightest bit so he could look into her face.

“I missed you too.” Her barely audible confession was filled with longing; he could feel the want in her as surely as he felt it in himself.

She leaned towards him until their breath mingled. Unexpectedly, Rey took his hand in hers, and she began to peel off his glove, letting it fall to the floor. He flinched for a moment at her boldness, but he let her. She looked down and stroked her thumb across his palm, and both of them shuddered. She raised her eyes and met his fiercely. He released her hand and brought his finger gently to her neck, running it from her pulse, beneath the loose neck of her tunic, across her collarbone. Every nerve within him was alight, and the air between them hung so thickly that it twisted painfully into his gut. All he knew was _want_ and it could have devoured him. Hardly of his own volition, entirely driven by impulse, his mouth crashed into Rey’s. Immediately her mouth opened to him, deepening the kiss. She pushed him against the wall. Was there a wall there before? Was he still in the throne room? He didn’t care. Their mouths moved in tandem, ferociously, drawing them in, consuming both of them, him and her. Her fingers clawed into his back, dragging along the thick fabric of his tunic. He had no idea when his cloak had fallen to the floor, but there it lay, pooled beneath them. He ran his fingers through her loosened hair and thanked the Force that she had let it down. He felt in danger of losing all control, but just as he thought he might, Rey suddenly pulled away.

“I can’t,” she breathed, pushing him back, turning away from him.

The passion still raged within him, but he kept his distance, breathing deeply. Rey still refused to look back to him. He could feel the shame, see it in her flushed cheeks, her still heaving chest.

He took a step toward her again and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “I can’t let go of this any more than you can,” he said desperately.

Unshed tears rimmed her eyes. Her face twisted in anguish. He couldn’t tell if it was directed at him or herself. “Maybe that’s true,” she finally said in a low voice, a wounded snarl. “But I can’t hold onto it either. I feel out of control, and I can’t… I can’t… You’re the _Supreme Leader_ of the _First Order_ . There can be no _we_.”

He released her chin, fists clenching as he swallowed down his fury. He willed himself to calm. “There can. My offer still stands. No matter what, my offer stands.”

“And I will never accept. Never.” Rey was burning.

“I’m beyond saving, Rey. Let go of the man you think Ben Solo is.”

“I should,” she conceded. “But I won’t. I feel the light in you as surely as in my own heart. Stop resisting.”

“This is not a battle you can win.” His jaw set.

“You’re right--it’s not one I have to win. Only you can.”

“Don’t waste your life waiting for that to happen. As it stands, I need you; you need me. Why not let ourselves have what we want?” he demurred, once again entering her space.

For a moment she melted--he felt it. For just an instant, he felt her considering letting temptation take over. But in the space of a heartbeat, she firmly squared her shoulders, clenched her teeth, and pushed him away. And as simple as snapping, she disappeared before his eyes, leaving him alone, his hunger unsated, his heart burning.

He bent to pick up his discarded clothes, but, curiously, only his cape lay on the ground. His glove was nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHA really sorry for the angst, but not sorry at all. Kylo seems to have gone FULLY BYRONIC. Thank you for the feedback, and thank you for coming on this journey with me. :)


	5. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is at war with herself, and it's affecting her friendships.

Rey’s head swam as she steadied herself against the wall, bracing her hand against the cool metal of the Falcon’s bathroom. Her eyes were screwed shut and she breathed deeply. _Kriffing Ben Solo_ , she thought angrily. _Kriffing Kylo Ren_. She bit her lip and forced the memory of his soft lips on hers out of her mind with a bitter shove. The memory of his hand on the small of her back, the other tangled in her hair. The strange, coiling sensation that pooled in her belly. Her hand curled into a fist and she pounded it against the wall, again trying to force the thoughts away.

  
She opened her eyes and sought out the sink, turning on a stream of biting cold water. She held her hands under it until they were numb, hoping that her breath would calm, that her pulse would stop racing, and that somehow the aching, calcified knot in her chest would unwind. She wanted to close herself off from the bond. She wanted to expel it from her body, as if it were as simple as sneezing. But she knew it never would be simple—these threads that bound her to Ben Solo were woven through her every sinew. She felt it in the way every nerve ignited when they touched skin-to-skin, as if her body, her soul, the very Force were _singing_. She couldn't blame it on some sort of twisted animalistic heat. No, this was something far deeper. Though it was futile and frustrating and altogether infuriating, she knew, with sharp certainty, that every moment the Force connected was important. That thought chased around her mind every time Ben was before her, as if there were some vital insight that was just out of her reach, blinking and fading, and she need only grasp it to solve all of the galaxy’s problems. Why did he have to make it so difficult?

  
_Maker, I need to get off this ship_ , she thought as she toweled dry her hands and left the bathroom. While the bond lay dormant for the past two days, time had swum by in a blur of preparation, butting heads, tense discussions, and hard-won plans for what would happen when they landed on Naboo. Rey’s whole body itched with the need to run, to fight, to spin and punch. She longed for the adrenaline and simplicity of life and death, never used to this maddening waiting game of stagnant safety. They were almost to their destination, just a few more hours.

  
“Rey,” a deep, kind male voice interrupted her reverie, coming from the doorway of the bathroom

  
“Hm?” she said, turning back and finding Finn, whose face bore a puzzled expression.

  
“I think you dropped this,” he said cautiously, holding something black in his hand.

  
Her cheeks flushed and her mouth gaped ever so slightly before she could school her features into a neutral expression, but she could still feel the heat prickling at her neck, at her face. It was Kylo Ren’s glove, expensive black leather that was clearly far too large for her hands. “Huh,” she stalled, searching for something to say. “Must’ve fallen out of my pocket. Thanks, Finn,” she said with a bubbly smile, forcing her voice not to crack. She crossed the room to where Finn stood and reached out her hand, but Finn’s eyes fell back to the glove. His eyebrows knit, a mingled expression of concern and suspicion, and she prayed that there would be no recognition. He looked as if he wanted to say something more.

  
“Rey,” he began hesitantly, his eyes slipping from the glove to her own eyes. His nose twitched. “Whose is this?” She almost wished that his voice was laden with jealousy. But no, it sounded more like wounded accusation. She ought to feel guilty, but no… his tone unlocked something fierce and instinctive in her. Some fight or flight response that rose in anger and protection. _For whom?_ she would later wonder, meditating back on this moment.

  
“It’s mine,” she spat out through bared teeth, ripping the glove out of Finn’s hand. She shoved it into her jacket pocket and stormed away from him, creating as much space between them as the Falcon allowed. She felt angry tears biting the backs of her eyes and she forced them down with a painful swallow. She crouched against a wall in a secluded corner of the ship and breathed deeply, reaching for the Force. Immediately she felt the Light—it barely took an instant for her to tap into that infinite wellspring, and it soothed her, spread throughout her chest like her favorite muja sauce spread over waffles.

  
Without thinking, she slipped her hand into her pocket and ran her fingers over the fine leather. The calm spread further.

  
“You okay?” came a voice from above her, and her eyes snapped open, dragging her back to reality, back to the clanking, clattering busyness of the Falcon. It was Poe, and his eyes held a charming sparkle as he looked at her. He didn't look concerned at all.

  
“I am,” she said with toothy smile. Something about the commander made her feel like a young teen, and her heart ached momentarily from nostalgia for something she never had. She didn't have the luxury of crushes, of flirtations and trysts and all the usual host of experiences that young people have. “I was meditating,” Rey continued, taking Poe’s extended hand, which effortlessly yanked her to her feet.

  
“Sorry to interrupt.” Again, he didn't look sorry at all. He looked to the ground, then turned his eyes back to her with a half smile, which revealed the slightest of gaps between his front teeth. _Why did he have to be so damn handsome?_

  
“Not at all, Commander Dameron,” she replied, searching for formality as a safety blanket.

  
“Please, call me Poe,” he crooned. There went that plan.

  
“Poe,” she echoed back, feeling her cheek dimple. Leia’s playful warning echoed in her mind. _Careful with that flyboy_. There was no way, absolutely none, that he was interested in her. Was there?

  
“I just wanted to touch base with you about our mission once we enter Naboo,” he began, and she suddenly felt vastly more comfortable that the topic had switched to business matters. “This is sensitive… The General doesn't want everybody knowing about it in case something goes south and we get found by the First Order. They can't extract what our fighters don't know.” His nose scrunched the slightest bit at this, and she remembered with a twinge of guilt that he, too, had been taken captive by Kylo Ren. She almost stopped him. Would this information be safe with _her_? Could she conceal this from Kylo? But she couldn't give this up. She wanted to be at the center of the action. She’d just have to keep her thoughts sealed tight. She had missed a few of Poe’s words, but she now listened with renewed vigor and purpose. “The Resistance will be setting up shop at the base of the Gallo Mountains. Leia has some contact, on old friend of her mother’s, that will help us once we hit the ground. You, me, and the General will slip out on a corvette and head for Theed. That's the capital. And that's when the real danger starts,” he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Leia had said that she’d need Rey by her side in Naboo. Part of her thought that their conversation from before, about Snoke, would ruin her place in the Resistance. She thought Leia would never trust her again. But the kind, aging woman had simply taken her hand, squeezed it warmly. _I know there’s more to this story,_ the General had said. _You’ll tell me when you're ready. Thank you for giving an old woman hope._ She was desperately relieved that she was still integrally involved in the plans for Naboo. But now it was starting to become real, and Rey was terrified, but deeper still she was thrilled. “Danger?” Rey said in a low, intrigued whisper.

  
“I knew you were right for the job.” His voice was light but his eyes burned, despite his cocksure smile. _Commander Dameron can't take his eyes off you,_ Leia’s voice rang again. They were standing rather close. Rey bit her lip. She wished, so _hard_ , that she could want this. She wished she could just have a normal, exciting, fiery relationship with this gorgeous man who was _good_ , brave, kind. She wished for something so easy. But, with a twist of her heart, she knew she couldn't. Despite Poe’s proximity, Rey felt entirely alone.

  
And just like that, the sound began to drain from the room.

  
Poe felt distant. Apart. The Force hummed around her, and she fought to keep her eyes on the commander. But she felt Kylo’s Force signature searing the air around her. He was behind Rey, between herself and the wall.

  
_Don't touch me_ , she thought intently, willing the thought to take shape in his mind. They hadn't used their connection like this before, but the limits of what they could do were as yet undiscovered, and she begged the Force for him to hear her.

  
Apparently he had, because she could feel him burn as the words hit his mind. She couldn't interpret what exactly he felt—arrested desire? Hurt? Maybe both.

She struggled to focus on Poe, desperately willing herself not to give any hint of abnormality. But then, with crashing fear, she realized he was divulging the most sensitive part of their mission on Naboo, and she kicked herself at how stupid she was. She prayed that Kylo didn't hear.

  
She swiftly interrupted the commander. “Sorry, Poe—I…” she felt Kylo tense behind her. “Could we talk about this another time? I need to—commune with the Force.” It was a lame excuse—one that she couldn't believe she actually got away with. It baffled her how little people knew about the Force. But then, she had been the same before Master Luke taught her.

  
“Of course,” Poe said softly, and now she could tell Kylo was straining to listen. “Later.” It sounded like a promise. To her utter shock, Poe lifted her hand and planted a gentle kiss upon it. Though Kylo could see only her, the action could not be mistaken, and she could feel him seethe. Rey found the nearest empty room and slammed the door closed with the Force, locking the door with a resounding clang. She spun and faced him like a whip, and she could see his erratic breathing. His face bore an unreadable expression. Not blank, no… overrun with so many emotions that she couldn't parse one from the next.

  
“Poe?” he spat as soon as he knew they were alone. “Dameron? The pilot?”

  
“A _Commander of the Resistance_ , not that it's any of your business,” Rey fired back.

  
Kylo’s cheek twitched, and he clenched his fists, which were conspicuously bare. She unconsciously shoved her hands in her pocket, her right one again thumbing the leather of his glove.

  
“It is my business,” he said in a low growl as he stepped into her space, backing her against a wall. She felt an ache in her stomach so deep that it pressed into her spine. It was want and pain and loneliness and desperation and _something more_. With every inch closer he came, that hole inside her felt a little less empty, and she longed to pull him flush against her so he could fill it.

  
Rey quickly forced her mind away from the tantalizing thoughts, from the heady scent of him filling her senses, of leather and metal and something she couldn't describe. It smelled like warmth.

  
“What does Poe have anything to do with you?” she managed. She meant for it to sound biting and harsh, but the words came out in a breathy whisper. Her lips parted, unbidden, and she met his eyes with a fierce hunger. But perhaps Kylo was too angry to fall apart at the sight. He unclenched his fists and brought them to her shoulders in what almost felt like a possessive gesture.

  
She thought he might spit back some retort, so strained was his face, so full of rage, but instead his mouth came crashing onto hers in a hungry, bruising, desperate kiss, which she met with the same anguished need. Rey felt pulled into his world, the fluorescent lighting of the Falcon shifting into a cold white. The expansive room was full of blacks and grays, but she could hardly focus on her surroundings as Kylo’s tongue worked at her own, his mouth swallowing hers, making her vision blur. He pulled her tight to his body and dragged his fingers across her lower back.

  
“I'll make you forget about Poe Dameron,” he snarled against her mouth, and Rey couldn't even recall what that man’s face looked like at the moment. She couldn't stop a low pleased sound from escaping her mouth, which made Kylo drag her even closer, pressing his wide palm to the small of her back and lacing the other hand in her hair. He leaned back and lifted her from the ground, and she clung to him, bemused and angry and _delighted_.

  
Soon they were crashing down onto a bed. Had the bed been there the whole time? Were they in his room? Kylo’s body hovered over hers, and she hated the distance between them. She turned on to her side and tugged him closer to her. His hands traced her sides, and she couldn't stand the _burning_ she felt. The Force was reeling around them.

  
“You’re mine,” Kylo whispered fiercely, “only mine.” And she felt the pull of the dark radiating between them with every inch of contact that they shared, caught between passion and rage. It called at her, _screamed_ at her, and her body begged her to follow it, to chase whatever it was that the dark could offer her.

  
But something, some strong, invincible core, roared through.

  
“ _No_ ,” she pronounced firmly, and pushed Kylo off of her. “No,” she repeated, more to herself this time. “Not now, not like this.”

Both of them breathed raggedly. As she extricated herself from him, the yawning darkness of his room faded away, until she was back in the Falcon. Still Kylo lay there. He was fuming, she could feel it.

  
“Rey, _please_ ,” he said desperately, to her surprise. She remembered another time he pleaded with her thus. The throne room. The Supremacy. She could hardly look at his face. It was too expressive, too raw. But she forced herself to meet his eyes.

  
“I’m not a possession to be owned. I'm not a prize, nor a plaything. And I'm not yours,” she said firmly. And just like that, Kylo vanished from sight, and she was left alone, yet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Let me know what you think! Any tropes you desperately want to see? Next update coming soon. Thanks for reading :)


	6. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finds himself tormented by ghosts of the past... in more ways than one.

Kylo Ren sat upright on the cold gray mattress, forcing shuddering breaths to calm him. He still felt Rey against him, around him, and with every intake of breath, he forced the sensation away, as if it were a venom he could simply siphon from his body. He slammed a clenched fist against his thigh as a wave of self-hatred bloomed and surged.

He knew he had pushed too far, felt himself pushing Rey away as he pulled their bodies closer. There it was again, his guilt. He had thought power would be enough—it was all he ever really wanted, wasn't it? Power. Victory. Freedom.

But he certainly didn't feel free. And he wasn't sure he ever knew what _want_ was until he met Rey. No, never had he felt the sting of such longing as this. It twisted and clawed, gnawed at his insides, pulsing constantly at the back of his mind.

 _Why did you ever think she wouldn't have been enough?_ some treacherous part of him whispered. But fear won out. Fear always did.

 _You’re afraid_ , Rey’s cold and venomous voice rang out, an echo of when she had entered his mind in the interrogation room. And he _was_ afraid. He was terrified—terrified of how he felt for Rey, of how much he stood to lose, of the probable truth that nothing, _nothing_ had been worth it. He couldn't face that.

But right here, reeling from Rey’s newest, harsh rejection, he couldn't help but face it. _Not now, not like this_ , she had said. She wanted him too; he felt it palpably through their bond. Those words gave him hope and, at the same time, a stabbing sense of self-loathing.

Just then, something in the air shifted. He looked around the room, cautiously checking every corner like a caged animal. Nothing. Still Kylo’s every muscle was tensed, ready to strike.

Someone coughed, and Kylo nearly jumped out of his skin. “Thought you could get rid of me, didn’t ya, kid?”

The voice turned Kylo’s blood cold. “What the f—”

“Watch your language, Ben. Your mom would kill me.” A menacing, self-satisfied chuckle floated through the air, soon followed by a blue shimmering glow that hung in a cloud around his materializing uncle. “Oh wait, I’m already dead.”

“What is this?” Kylo seethed, barely able to quell his fury.

“I told you, didn't I? ‘Seeya round,’ I said. You really think my last words would be a lie?” Luke’s tone was nauseatingly light, and Kylo couldn't think straight; his head pounded.

“Last words?” Kylo managed. He searched for the relief he always knew he’d feel when the damned Jedi was finally dead. But it wasn't there.

“You really didn't know? Huh. Well, here I am, Ben.”

“Leave.” Kylo’s voice was low and vicious. He clenched his jaw. The pain of it gave him strength, centered him, kept him from slipping.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“ _Leave!_ ” Kylo roared, flinging something across his room with the Force. Whatever it was slipped through Luke and crashed onto the ground.

The strange apparition merely sighed and rolled his eyes. “You won’t get rid of me like that.”

“I hate you.” The words felt childish as they slipped from Kylo’s mouth, but they were raw and real. He meant them with every ounce of his heart.

“I deserve that,” Luke replied. Kylo’s eyes snapped to him.

“Why are you here?” Kylo’s voice was softer now, but strained and heavy.

“You need me. So here I am.”

“Like hell I do,” the younger man snapped.

“You can't fool the Force, Ben,” Luke said gently, and he sank to the ground before his nephew so that he was sitting cross-legged and straight-backed.

“Stop calling me that,” Kylo demanded, but his words lacked bite.

“It’s all I've ever called you and all I ever will... Ben.” He wasn't taunting him any longer.

“I'm not that person anymore. You made sure of that.” Kylo hated confronting these thoughts and wounds buried so deeply beneath layers of darkness and scars and violence.

“I made a mistake, and it tore me apart. I failed you, and it haunted me for the rest of my life. But the choices you've made are _yours_ , Ben. You're just another man who’s gone down the wrong path. This is the true legacy of the Skywalker: regret. Sure, Snoke sunk his claws in you, twisted and battered you into this shell. Sure, I betrayed you, your parents disappointed you. But _you’ve_ chosen this life,” Luke said fervently, never taking his eyes from his nephew. “Empty, isn't it?  You will _always_ be Ben Solo. You run and cower from who you are, but it’s in your veins. I see it, Ben. I see it in every move you make and every word that comes out of your mouth.”

“I don't want to hear this from you.”

“It’s the _truth_. Your parents loved you, Ben. Leia still does, you must know that.”

“It doesn't matter,” Ben snapped.

“A lie. Love will always matter. But you know that.”

Ben’s chest twisted as he thought of Rey shoving him away. “Love has no place in my life.”

“Nice try, kid.”

“Whatever you think you know about me, you're wrong.”

Luke simply laughed and shook his head. “Just like Han.” And as quickly as he had come, Luke disappeared.

-

Kylo Ren, alone in his room again, was wracked with doubt, regret, pain, and frustration. Time blurred, as thoughts swirled round and round his mind, each one pushed away and shoved down before he allowed it to fully take form. After what felt like hours, he rose from his bed and exited his room.

The stark halls of the star destroyer echoed with each step. He strode through the cavernous hangar where their vast fleet lay, and, unbidden, the image of Rey in her coffin-like shuttle flashed across his eyes. He clenched his fists and continued forward.

“Hux,” his voice rang out as he approached the command bridge, “a word?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader?” the weaselly man intoned.

“Has there been any news on the whereabouts of the Resistance?”

“Have you had a change of heart regarding Naboo?” Hux sneered.

“Answer the question,” Kylo seethed.

“There have been no significant intelligence updates,” the General said flatly. “I will alert you immediately to any new information gathered. Our analysts still believe Naboo is the most probable destination.”

“Excellent,” Kylo responded in a clipped, imperious tone. He turned to leave, but Hux’s voice halted him.

“Supreme Leader,” Hux began, “If I may… I have a question.”

Kylo’s intuition urged him to leave and let whatever it was that Hux wanted to say die, but something kept him fixed in place. “Yes?” he said impatiently.

“The night of the Supremacy’s destruction… the night of Supreme Leader Snoke’s death. Pardon me, but something doesn’t sit right. I fear you haven’t told me the whole story.” Kylo ought to have silenced him then and there, but the man continued. “How did the girl best you, ten Praetorian Guards, and Leader Snoke, one of the most powerful Force users in the galaxy?”

For a moment Kylo said nothing. Hux’s eyes glittered. Kylo forced himself not to lash out--surely it would only raise more questions. “Would you like a play-by-play, General?” the Supreme Leader snidely asked. “She trained with Luke Skywalker, and it would be your first and gravest mistake to underestimate her. Scavenger from Jakku she may be, but she has raw strength with the Force. I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” Kylo jabbed menacingly. “She slew Snoke first. The Guard was no match, and she bested me by sheer luck, with a fortunate blow to the head.” Kylo paced towards Hux as his story unfurled. He hadn’t at all thought this through, but he thanked the Force for giving him the words. “I should strike you down here and now for questioning me thus,” he growled threateningly, pausing as he hulked over the General whose lower lip now quivered. “But I am a generous master.” Hux swallowed hard. “Captain Mayweather,” Kylo commanded, abruptly turning to an officer who quivered at a control panel. “Ready my ship for Naboo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a shorter chapter, but I have to try to move the story forward, and I wanted to give you all another chapter :) I hope you enjoyed! Prepare yourselves for a collision course coming soon. :D


	7. Confronation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance arrives on Naboo, and they establish a harmonious routine, but there is discord between our favorite heroes.

In the entirety of Rey’s life, only three moments have truly left her breathless, knocking the air out of her lungs in awe. Brittle though her childhood on Jakku was, the harshness of it made every novelty something to be cherished.

The first was flying into Takodana, the verdant hues of the forests jumping out at her like life and newness and promise. And with it, that magical loss of breath, not violent, but elicited from the sheer beauty of it all. Her heart swelled and ached to think of it just now, Han by her side, Finn right behind.

The second was not so simple, as she reflected back on it. The moment her fingers brushed against Ben Solo’s. Then it had been a visceral hope, belonging, and _something more_ that she didn’t have a name for—before him, that is. But the clarity of that moment was now marred by what came after, and it hurt to think about, though the memory still lived on her skin.

The third came as she entered the planet Naboo aboard the Millennium Falcon, surrounded by those who were beginning to feel like family. It was the mountains that did it. As soon as she saw them, the breath escaped her mouth, and the loss of air filled her heart even as it left her lungs empty. The Gallo Mountains were sprawling, capped with snow, and decorated with tall and powerful trees that couldn’t be touched by the seasons. She felt tinier and tinier as they approached the range, but when they finally touched ground, there was not a trace of fear within her. She felt somehow strengthened by this planet. Fortified.

But there was hardly any time to reflect on the beauty around her, for there was work to be done. Immediately, Poe and a young blonde woman—whose name, Rey learned, was Kaydel Ko Connix—began giving orders to the remaining Resistance members. They created makeshift tents out of whatever cloth, canvas, and poles they could find on the Falcon. They could’ve stayed aboard the ship on land, but they were all eager to get out of that “heap of junk” as everyone now affectionately termed it.

Rey’s heart sang at the rhythm of it all—at the sure-handed, steady hard work of all her fellow Resistance members. Even Leia, unsurprisingly, was helping to settle her people into this new planet. Each person in the camp was driven and resourceful, qualities that Rey learned the hard way. She was sure all those around her had their own tragedies that led them here, that taught them how to fight tooth-and-nail for the only thing that kept them all alive: hope. With each tent pitched, Rey felt she was physically building upon this hope, and it strengthened her even more than the beauty of the mountains. After hours of labor, they finally had something resembling a minuscule base. It may look more like a camping site, but it would do for now.

“Over here, Rey!” called Rose’s chipper voice. Rey glanced over and saw Poe, Rose, and Finn gathered near a tent. Her heart stalled for a moment. She hadn’t so much as met Finn’s eyes since their confrontation on the Falcon, and Rey was afraid to face him. Her defensive, impassioned reaction to Finn finding Ben’s glove surely only made her seem more suspicious. But she swallowed down her apprehension and walked over to her friends.

The sun had begun to set, painting the sky with stunning shades of purple, orange, and pink, which were even more breathtaking pitched against the soaring peaks of the Gallos. Though it would soon be dark, they didn’t dare risk fires, relying upon a couple dusty old lanterns they had found in the Falcon’s storage.

“We made it,” she stated cheerfully as she sat down beside Poe. Her eyes quickly darted to Finn, but he was concentrating on his feet. Rose reached over and squeezed Rey’s hand, oozing warmth and affection. This gesture had become frequent between her, Rose, and Leia. Without words, they could remind one another: we’re in this together. You are loved. But when she chanced another glance at Finn, the warmth evaporated from her. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments, but his expression sent a cold dagger lancing through her chest.

“Thanks to you,” Poe replied. “We never would’ve made it off that planet without you, Rey. I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that.” His warm eyes met hers. It wasn’t a piercing gaze—no, it was smooth and sweet like honey dripping from a jar. Funny, how she suddenly understood people so much better now that she had proper access to food.

“No thanks necessary,” she said lightly. “Everyone made sacrifices that day, and everyone did their part. We should really be thanking Luke.”

“There she goes again, deflecting,” Finn teased with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Rey, you better build up that ego of yours. The people here are ones you have to impress. They’ll be expecting a little panache from the soon to be infamous last Jedi,” Poe commented with a wide grin and a lifted eyebrow.

“And how do you propose I do that? Build my ego?”

“I can think of a few ways.” His eyes didn’t leave hers. She knew the comment was suggestive, and perhaps she should be offended, but somehow coming from him it sounded respectful. However, that didn’t stop Rose from nearly choking on her sandwich.

“Slow down there, flyboy,” Rose butt in before Rey could even stammer a response. “Don’t go distracting our hero.” Rey expected Poe to be embarrassed but his face remained cool and utterly without shame. The man was certainly straightforward and sure of himself. More than anything else he could offer, Rey wanted to learn that—Poe’s ease and smooth confidence that made him such a capable leader. That is, when he wasn’t being impulsive. But perhaps she could learn from that too, for she’s made her fair share of impulsive decisions.

“Our hero? I didn’t realize Poe was interested in Chewie,” Rey joked. Her quip was met with laughs from the whole circle, and the four of them soon slipped into easy conversation, Poe telling about his sisters back home, Rose detailing every moment from Canto Bight, and all of them sharing their trepidation about what was to come. It was light and effortless, and Rey felt something loosen in her chest. Every now and then, though, she would catch Finn looking distracted.

The sun had fully fallen below the horizon, and night had fallen, lit by Naboo’s three bright moons and the stars that spattered the sky through the leaves of the whispering trees. It was cool, but not intolerable. One by one, people retreated into their tents. Soon only Finn and Rey remained outside, sitting in the grass by the lantern light.

“Finn,” said Rey after what felt like eons of silence.

“Yeah?” he responded, tearing his gaze away from the moon and directing his eyes to Rey.

She bit her lip in an attempt to imbue herself with courage. “You seem distracted. Is there something you want to say?”

He paused for a while. He shook his head, not out of denial—more like he was trying to clear his head. “There is.”

“Go on…”

“Rey,” he sat up attentively from his reclined position of nonchalance. “That glove… I know it’s not yours. Why did you lie to me?”

Her heart pounded. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen practically everything you own. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s not much, and it definitely doesn’t include that glove.”

“Why are you so hung up on this?” she fired back in a whisper, the need to _flee_ suddenly boiling within her. She didn’t mean to get angry, but it rose within her as a defensive instinct.

“Why do you keep avoiding the question? Rey,” he paused, as if he didn’t want to continue. “I recognize First Order leather when I see it.”

She couldn’t stop a grimace from twisting her features. She ached with shame. Of course he did… the people who stole him away, brainwashed him, and robbed him of his freedom. With all her thoughts of tragedy, somehow she had forgotten about Finn’s. Rey remained silent as she stared back at her best friend.

“Rey, I trust you, and I want to keep trusting you. Which is why I wanted to give you a chance to explain. So go ahead. Explain.”

The weight of how carefully she must phrase her next words felt like lead in her throat. “Finn, I don’t even know how to begin. Things on Ahch-To with Luke,” she paused. Looked away from Finn’s eyes. “They didn’t go as planned. He refused to come.” How much should she tell him? How much was hers to tell? “I learned some things about his past, and if he were here to tell you himself, then it would be fair for you to know. He was a hero, but he was also a human. Broken and rash, just like you and I.” Rey stopped for a moment, looking back to Finn and gauging his reaction.

“What does this have to do with the glove? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“Luke and I had a falling out of sorts,” she began cautiously. “Because of what I learned about Luke, about the Jedi, about—“ She had to stop herself from saying Ben’s name. “—the First Order, I felt that I had to do something, and in hindsight it may sound a little stupid.” She carefully avoided any mention of the Force Bond. She wasn’t sure he could possibly understand.

“And what was that?” he prompted.

She took a deep breath, and the words came out far too fast,  blurring all together in a rushed, hasty confession. “I had Chewie fly me to the Supremacy because I thought I could turn Kylo Ren to the light and end the war.”

“You _what?”_ Finn whisper shouted.

“Sorry, do you need me to repeat that, or are you just being dramatic?” she stammered awkwardly.

“Rey—the _Supremacy?_ Kylo _Ren_ ? What… what possibly… Rey, _why?_ ” His voice grew higher with every question and every syllable was filled with incredulity.

“Didn’t you and Rose _just_ return from storming the Supremacy yourselves? Finn, I told you why I did it. Because of what I saw and learned. And I wasn’t wrong, not entirely. Snoke ordered him to execute me, and Kylo killed Snoke instead. He helped me battle the guards. He’s not too far gone; _I swear it._ ”

Rey couldn’t read Finn’s face, but she desperately hoped that it wasn’t fear she saw creeping into his eyes. It had to be confusion, _please let it be confusion._ “Rey,” Finn finally spoke, “I’ve seen that man do terrible things. He nearly killed me! He kidnapped you, murdered his father in cold blood, he’s taken countless innocent lives, and would’ve slain his own uncle if he could’ve. If what you say is true, I promise you, it wasn’t light that drove him. Power… passion… pain… _those_ are the things he feeds off of.”

“You’re wrong,” she snarled lowly. She was beginning to feel worked up, and she had to re-center herself. She forced herself to take deep breaths. “You’re wrong,” she repeated, calm and assured.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Rey. I’m glad you made it out of there alive; I honestly can’t believe you did.” She could sense that there was a caveat. “But… you shouldn’t tell anyone else about this. You’re important, and if the rest of our crew finds out, I don’t know how they’ll take it.” Her heart twisted and she felt her treacherous eyes beginning to sting. “Keep it to yourself. And burn that glove.”

Without waiting for her to respond, Finn stood from the grass and went into the tent where Rose and Poe already slept.

Rey tried to breathe, but couldn’t find the air. This was a kind of breathless she never wanted to feel again. Her lungs shuddered and she could feel a sob building, but she swallowed it down. She felt betrayed somehow, and that feeling lodged between her ribs like a cold, heavy stone. Silent tears fell from her eyes.

The night was already almost noiseless, but she could tell when the silence became something living. A familiar presence in the Force trickled into her reality like a salve.

“You’re awake, too?” Ben’s voice echoed and enveloped her. He lifted his eyes from whatever occupied him and stared intently at Rey, studying her features. As he noticed her tears, his already melancholy face fell abruptly. “What’s wrong?” he gently inquired. Ben rose and stepped closer to Rey, then settled down on the grass beside her.

She hesitated, remembering their last encounter. The way he had touched her—possessive and feral. And the way she had returned it. Maybe she deserved Finn’s distrust. But at her core, she knew she was right, and it made her heart twist anew that she couldn’t get Finn to understand. “This is actually your fault,” she finally whispered with no hint of malice.

“Of course it is,” he replied in a soft, even tone. “What now?”

“It’s because I bloody believe in you, Ben, and you’ve made it nearly impossible for anyone else to share that sentiment.” Another angry and painful tear fell. Without a moment’s hesitation, Ben lifted a finger to her cheek and wiped the rivulet away, and his hand lingered on her face. She leaned into it without thinking.

“I don’t see how that’s my fault. You’re the one clinging to the insane notion that I’m worth believing in.” His voice wasn’t cruel—moreso amused.

“I don’t want to have this argument right now,” she said, feeling defeated.

“Couldn’t agree more.”

Despite the frustration of this impasse they kept reaching, Rey was inexpressibly comforted by Ben’s presence. As much as she loved her family here with the Resistance, nothing came even close to feeling like this, the way she felt with Ben. The two them fell into silence—no words were needed. Rey leaned back and lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars, and Ben followed suit. After a time, Ben tentatively brushed her hand with his, then interlocked their fingers. She was growing used to the sensation by now. And as their skin connected, she knew he felt every stabbing pain of betrayal and loneliness and misunderstanding that clouded her heart. And she, in turn, felt his concern, his longing, and the peace that spread throughout his head and chest whenever Rey was near.

They lay like that for hours, and Rey’s eyes started to get heavy. Just as she was about to drift off into oblivion, a rustling noise set her immediately on alert. It came from her tent, and she immediately tore her hand away from Ben, who now sat upright.

“Rey,” a sturdy voice called softly. It was Poe, who poked his head out and revealed sleepy, dreamy eyes. “Are you coming to bed?”

Immediately, Ben’s entire demeanor shifted. His whole body tensed like a coil and his face bore a murderous expression, which was the last thing she saw before their connection ended.

Rey forced her face to remain neutral, but her whole body trembled with the feeling of loss and regret. When she spoke, her voice felt distant and too cheerful. “Be right there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH thank you to EVERYONE for all of the encouraging comments. For real, they motivate me to keep updating quickly. I'm so glad you are enjoying the story--let me know what you want to see :) I have some big plot points that I know I want to hit, but this is very much a making-it-up-as-i-go-along experience, so I would love to hear your thoughts! xoxo


	8. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren arrives on Naboo and tries to adjust to the political side of being Supreme Leader. He receives an unexpected visitor.

_I will kill that man,_ thought Kylo at the implications of Dameron’s words, which rang through his skull, grinding against his bones like the ruthless sharpening of steel. His blood ran cold at the thought of Rey in another man’s bed. It filled Kylo with twisted visions of entwined bodies, slashing, and strangling. In these flashes of images, he couldn’t define who was victim and who was aggressor, but he felt an utter slave to the swell of emotions that overtook him.

Kylo took a breath that rattled throughout his body, seeking relief in the cool air that filled his lungs. It didn’t come. He sat in the pilot’s chair of his transport shuttle, and the sleek durasteel machinery glided into a docking port in Theed, the Naboo capital. He thought back to his time with Rey on the grass, lying beneath the thick and dazzling blanket of stars. Of course, he recognized the constellations that swam above them. He had spent weeks gazing at them in his grandmother’s conservatory when he visited this planet as a child, his mother vying for political favor with the rich nobility of Naboo. It didn’t at all surprise him that the Resistance came here to grovel for support. Though bitterness hung over him at the memory, he couldn’t hold onto it. Relief spread from his chest to his very fingertips as he knew, with certainty, that Rey was on this planet. That he hadn’t gone on an insane, futile mission and wasted First Order resources.

But if he was honest with himself, he could hardly think about politics and resources with Rey lying beside him, his hand tangled with hers. Though his ship was landed and docked, he gripped its steering control with vehemence as he was again reminded of Dameron’s silky invitation. Kylo allowed himself to ruminate on his vicious fantasies for a moment, but the rising sun warned him of the need for haste. He began barking orders.

“Mitaka,” he shot at the officer to his right, “Alert the Baroness Lilelis Ketmore of our arrival.”

The man trembled but complied immediately. “Right away, my Lord.”

Not long after his command, Kylo, staring out the viewport, saw an elegant figure draped in emerald finery approaching his ship, flanked by two imposing men who were clearly the woman’s security detail. Her hair was an unnatural shade of red, and she was bedecked in expensive jewels. Kylo disembarked and schooled his face into what he thought a genial politician would wear. For a moment, he pictured Leia. But the image instantaneously caused the clenching of his fist. He forced his mother out of his mind.

“Kylo Ren,” the slender woman pronounced as Kylo descended the ship’s ramp. “Or should I say Supreme Leader? Congratulations, my Lord.”

“Victory born from tragedy,” Kylo swiftly replied. “But I thank you, Lady Lilelis.”

“My, how you’ve grown into your position,” she said with awe, taking in his intimidating form. “You were so young the last time I saw you. Has it really been so long?”

“Even longer,” he said with a wry smile. The woman before him was in her mid-forties, but her long, thin frame, her angled features, and her starting, icy eyes made her appear at some angles ancient and at others strangely youthful. Her face was ambiguous and arresting. Kylo extended his arm, and she hooked her wiry forearm around his elbow. “Thank you for receiving us, my lady. How does your husband fare?”

“Kaius is quite well, thank you. Come now, I hate the smell of gasoline and detest loitering even more. Terrible for the complexion.” The woman’s voice stretched and danced, as if each vowel were a precious jewel to be relished and displayed. Her grip on Kylo’s arm tightened, and she gracefully guided the Supreme Leader and his company towards her sleek transport ship.

An influential ally to the First Order, Lady Lilelis was the wife of a Naboo baron who came from old money but maintained his wealth in the durasteel industry. He had the name, but his wife was the true brain behind their riches. Her support was vital to their cause, and the Ketmore family had been loyal to the First Order from the very beginning. Kylo and his retinue of troopers and officers would find quarter at the Ketmore estate, right in the bustling heart of Theed.

The ship careened through the winding streets of the city, and soon they arrived at an enormous manor that reminded Kylo of a star destroyer. It was low and wide, a sprawling building made of glossy black stone.

“Good afternoon, my lady, Supreme Leader,” said a servant droid as they entered, nodding to Lilelis and Kylo. Kylo’s retinue followed stoically behind him.

“You and your men are welcome to the entire west wing of the house,” said Lilelis, eyes raking over the armored forms of the troopers. “Supreme Leader, I would ask that you join me for dinner.”

“Of course, Lady Lilelis,” he replied cordially, but had to force himself not to bite his lip. He had been starved of company under Snoke’s thumb, and he hated the rules of etiquette, hated the insincerity of politics. He preferred to talk with his saber, to deal in blood. Kylo wished he could let Hux take care of these matters, but the thought of Rey silenced his mind.

Lilelis gave a warm smile that felt wrong on her cold, sharp face. “Wonderful—I have some important matters to discuss with you. My droid will collect you when it’s time. Q-9S8, show them to their chambers,” she commanded the droid. “Make yourselves at home,” she added, eyes touching each guest.

The droid led them through the manor. It was only one floor, but the ceilings were high, the halls wide. He felt like he could be walking through the _Finalizer._

“These are your chambers, Supreme Leader,” said Q-9S8, indicating the last room in the hall. He swept past the droid and entered: his things had already been brought, not that he needed much. Kylo wasn’t sure how long he’d be here, but he was determined to make it a brief stay. He shrugged off his cape, crossed the room, and sat down in a chair beside the window.

Anxiety began to prickle at his chest; his throat felt tight, his muscles tense. He didn’t have much of a plan; he only knew that he must locate the Resistance, find Rey, and then… Then he didn’t know what. Convince her to come with him? That hadn’t worked on the Supremacy, and not much had changed. Abduct her? Coerce her? She would hate him forever.

Kylo had no idea what he would do if he made it that far. At the moment, however, he didn’t care about sense. All he knew was a _need_ so desperate and infuriating it made his teeth gnash together. He just needed to see her. In the flesh. He would do his duty; he would strike down the Resistance as best he could, but for him, everything hinged upon Rey.

If he couldn’t bring her with him, he would at least settle for killing Poe Dameron. That at the very least would give him peace.

He sat in the chair stewing and staring as the sun began its descent toward the horizon. Soon, a knock sounded upon the door.

“Dinner is ready, Supreme Leader,” came the crisp, unnatural voice of the droid, Q-9S8. Kylo swung his cape over his shoulders and followed the droid to the dining hall. There was a vast table of dark, heavy wood covered in heaps of fruit, meat, breads, and cheeses. Lady Lilelis stood when Kylo entered the room, bowing slightly, then she indicated the seat to her right.

“Good evening, my lady,” Kylo said as he took his seat.

“Please, let us dispense with formalities. You may call me Lili,” she said with a tone that reached for familiarity. Kylo bristled for a moment. It reminded him of Snoke, the way she spoke. It was gentle and coaxing, turning the listener’s ears away from the sharp steel hiding underneath. His heart sped for a moment, half expecting lightning to shoot forth from her fingertips as she reached for her glass of wine. But nothing came.

“Of course, Lili,” he responded politely, but with caution. He was far more aware of manipulation now that Snoke’s voice was out of his head. With this awareness, he could protect himself. “You may call me Lord Ren.” He met her eyes and didn’t waver.

“Wonderful,” she said with a quirk of her lip. She didn’t shy away from his show of power. “Would you care for some wine?”

“Please.” Lili poured the dark red liquid into his cup. He took a sizable drink and relished in the gentle warmth that spread in his chest. “Is the Baron joining us?” Kylo inquired.

“Not tonight. He’s off-planet for a while on business. He’ll be gutted that he missed you.”

“Likewise. Please send him my well-wishes.” In truth, Kylo could hardly tolerate the man, but appearances were important.

“Certainly. Now, Lord Ren, there are some things I would like to discuss with you.” She nibbled on a piece of bread, and her eyes bore into Kylo’s.

“So you mentioned. What is it?”

“I know you’re here on serious business matters, but surely you could spare some time for a bit of fun. I would be delighted if you would accompany me to a gala tomorrow evening.”

Kylo was just about to put a piece of meat in his mouth, but he stopped short. “A gala?” he asked incredulously with a choked sort of chuckle. “What for?”

“Just a gathering of Naboo’s wealthiest—many would-be First Order supporters. I’ve been trying to sway more nobility to the cause, but I’d certainly be more…” she paused as if searching the right word—as if she hadn’t planned exactly what she was going to say at this dinner. “...persuasive with the dashing, _de facto_ Emperor on my arm.”

He didn’t want this kind of distraction. He wanted to find the Resistance, find Rey, and get off of this hellhole of a planet that pulsed with far too many tender memories of young Ben Solo clinging to Leia’s leg. But he supposed this was part of ruling—a part he preferred not to get used to, but something he’d have to endure nonetheless. “Alright,” he finally said after thoroughly chewing his food. “I’ll accompany you.”

Lili smiled to herself and sat back in her seat, wine glass in hand. “Wonderful,” she whispered and swirled the red liquid around the glass.

The rest of the meal passed without incident. Lili inquired about various First Order territories, suppliers, and allies, providing occasional advice without overstepping her bounds. She really was quite savvy, and Kylo noted to keep that in mind; surely as the First Order grew, he would need an astute political advisor. Kylo was well and sated, his mind light and warm from the wine and full meal. Bidding Lili goodnight, he made his way back to his chambers.

Immediately Kylo deposited his cape on the ground, shrugged out of his tunic, and climbed into bed. He begged the Force for a full night of rest, something he hadn’t truly had in years. As he lay there, the darkness of the room was suddenly disrupted by a bluish glow.

“Leave me alone, you hateful, arrogant bastard,” he spat angrily without looking up. He received no response. “Luke?” he asked with trepidation, suddenly sitting up.

But the apparition before him was not his uncle. No, this man had a young, solemn face. He had shaggy chestnut hair and heavy-lidded eyes that were startlingly akin to his mother’s. He recognized this face from portraits. “Grandfather?” Kylo asked with a tremulous voice. He’d had visions of him before… but never like this. Never so young, so haunted. Never Anakin. Before had just been whispers, flashes of memories. This felt far more real, somehow. Solid.

For a while, his grandfather said nothing, just wordlessly stared at Kylo. But finally, he spoke. “Ben,” the Force ghost said as if testing the way the word felt in his mouth. “Can’t say I’m surprised that they named you after Obi-Wan.”

“I’ve heard the story,” Kylo responded, a little annoyed.

“Have you?” Anakin asked with a knowing smile that held far more pain than mirth. “Tell me.”

“Obi-Wan Kenobi disfigured you and left you for dead. He hid out on Tatooine as Ben, helped my traitor uncle, then died without issue at your hand. He deserved your revenge.”

“If only it were so simple. Obi-Wan was father and brother to me. He trained me, fought by my side, and eventually, he feared me. Another master who failed his student. But he did what I could not. He saw what I could not. Without Obi Wan, I never would’ve met my son.”

“Who gives a damn about your son?” Kylo nearly shouted.

Anakin didn’t even flinch. He chuckled. “You really are ridiculous. You don’t know the first thing about love. _I gave a damn about my son_. I died for my son.”

“You what?”

“The Emperor tried to kill him. I sacrificed myself to save him.”

Kylo was silent for a long moment. His chest tightened and he dug his fingers into his thighs to stabilize himself. “Is this some kind of trick?” he barely managed to say.

“I wasn’t always Darth Vader, you know. A lonely despot doesn’t just miraculously end up with two kids. I had a wife, a woman I loved, and it drove me to darkness. _I’m_ the reason Padme died.”

“Love is a weakness. Something to be destroyed.” The words sounded halfhearted and monotonous, a residue of Snoke’s training that was still imprinted in his mind.

“Love wasn’t my weakness; in the end, it proved to be my only strength. My love for Luke saved me,” Anakin insisted.

“I don’t want salvation.”

“What do you want, then?” The question was gentle but it hit him like a blaster.

Ben looked up at his grandfather, his eyes wet with tears that he wouldn’t allow to fall. “I don’t know.” The words resounded in every pore of his skin. It was a truth that haunted him every day. He had everything he ever wanted, but it meant nothing.

“Why did you come to Naboo, Ben?”

“For Rey,” he replied instantly, without thinking.

Anakin gave another sad smile. “Didn’t you say love was something to be destroyed?”

“I don’t love her,” Ben swiftly denied.

Anakin said nothing, shook his head, then disappeared, leaving Ben with a chuckle that lingered long after the blue light had faded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New location! New character! S/O to Aurelia_21's comment on the last chapter which inspired Ben's little meeting with Anakin's Force Ghost :) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think in the comments :D


	9. Prepare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey heads to the Naboo capital with Leia, Chewie, and Poe. She meets an old friend of Leia’s and gains a sense of peace, but the Force has interesting plans for her in Theed.

“Ready?” asked Leia with a wide grin.

  
“Ready,” Poe and Rey answered in unison. Chewie roared in agreement. The Wookiee wasn’t originally going to join them, but he refused to be parted from Rey.

  
The corvette roared to life; soon the Resistance disappeared, and the mountains became a faint outline on the horizon. It was just after dawn, and the warm light gave Rey a soft feeling of comfort despite the nerves that bubbled in her chest. Despite Finn’s advice, Rey kept Kylo’s glove stowed away in her pocket. She absentmindedly ran her finger along the leather as the ship sped onward, trying not to think about their tense goodbye.

  
“Now for the real fun,” said Poe more to himself than to anyone in the room.

  
“Clearly you’ve never been to Theed,” Leia replied sardonically. “Though you might just have fun, Commander, wooing nobles and drinking champagne.”

  
“I do love a good party,” he chuckled in that charming way of his.

  
Rey, for her part, was dreading this mission. The lightness of the others did nothing to soothe her anxiety, but only made it worse. She went over the plan in her head, digging her nails nervously into her palm. Rendezvous with Leia’s contact, attend the gala, gain people’s support for the Resistance. Financial support was the most important, but if they were lucky, they’d get a new base to boot.

  
Leia had pounded lessons of etiquette and decorum into her head for the past few days. _Eat like you have a secret_ , she had said. _Stop scarfing things down like you don’t know where your next meal will come from. We will only win these people over by tapping into their pride, not their pity._ Rey remembered the way her cheeks had colored. Her manners were sculpted by the harsh hands of Jakku, and it would take more than a few tips and tricks from Leia to turn her into a proper lady. The General’s eyes landed on Rey just now; her gaze flew down to Rey’s hands, scrutinizing the nervous habit with concern. Leia crossed the deck and took Rey’s hands in her own.

  
“Stop that, dear,” she said gently. “These people may be beautiful and wealthy, but they can be vultures; they’ll sniff you out immediately if you let them in on how scared you are. You have nothing to lose from this, Rey. Only something to gain. Most of the people here are neutral or noncommittal. We could change that—make them care.” She dropped Rey’s hands and put her arm around the younger woman, rubbing comforting circles over her back. “Fake it until you make it. Your pretty face will win them over, and if that doesn’t work, put on a little show with the Force. I know it’s sacred and all that, but they’ll eat it up. I promise. That kind of power is irresistible.”

  
“Thank you, General,” said Rey. The words came out in a breath, and she closed her eyes, forcing her face to relax, her eyebrows to spread apart, her jaw to unclench.

  
“Please, it’s Leia among us.” Rey’s eyes opened in an instant, and she smiled a full, real smile. “I’ll help you through this, and so will Poe. You can trust us.”

  
Soon, Chewie brought the ship to a stop in front of a small cottage on the edge of a forest. They disembarked from the ship and were met by a tiny old woman; she looked like a crone from the cruel tales the old women at the Niima Outpost used to tell. She was scarcely taller than Maz, crumpled up and withered, leaning on a cane to keep herself upright.

  
“Amara,” Leia said, voice dripping with relief and joy. She nearly ran to the old woman and pulled her into a tight embrace.

  
“Leia,” the woman said in a scratchy voice, “You haven’t changed a bit, you utter beauty. Let me look at your face.” Leia pulled back, still clinging to Amara. The crone brought her hand to Leia’s face and traced from her forehead to her cheeks, then her hand settled on her chin. Rey thought she saw tears in her eyes. “Your eyes… so like your mother’s. She would’ve grown to look just like you, I know it.”

  
“She would’ve been far more beautiful,” Leia said, again resting her head on Amara’s shoulder. Rey and Poe stood there awkwardly looking on as the two women shared more affectionate words. Chewie made a gentle noise, reminding Leia that they were there. “Where are my manners? Amara, these are my friends: Chewie, Commander Poe Dameron, and Rey,” Leia said, sounding more regal than ever, indicating each of her companions in turn.

  
“A pleasure to meet you,” said Poe, extending a hand to the old woman.  
“So handsome. You are most welcome in my home,” replied Amara with a chuckle that was almost obscene. Rey couldn’t help but laugh. “And you, dear,” she turned to Rey, “my what a face. Like Padme in the height of her beauty—such cheekbones, and your waist! Thank goodness I held onto her gowns; they’ll look stunning on you.” Rey couldn’t help but blush and shrink in on herself. She wasn’t at all used to compliments, and she certainly hadn’t had the luxury of vanity on Jakku. “Come, let’s get you all inside.”

  
They followed Amara without question. Rey soon learned that this woman was a handmaiden of Padme’s when she was queen of Naboo. Amara had been by her side until the very end and still maintained a staunch, unshakeable loyalty to the deceased queen and senator. When Leia had come seeking answers about her past, Amara had been there to tell countless stories about Padme’s grace, her kindness, goodness, and bravery. She even told stories about Anakin from his time on Naboo.

  
Rey felt warm and cozy in the tiny little cottage. It was small but open, lit only by the windows, candles, and the fireplace in the corner of the main room. She’d never been in a place like this… a home, a real home.

  
“Let me fix you a meal, dears,” said Amara. Rey thought to protest, not wishing to tax their host more than necessary, but her stomach grumbled in disagreement so loudly that she thought Chewie might’ve said something. Rey’s cheeks felt hot in an instant.

  
“I think Rey speaks for all of us,” Poe teased, and everyone chuckled. Rey’s heart felt light. “A meal would be perfect; thank you, Amara.”

  
Rey, Chewie, and Leia sat cross-legged around a low table while Amara busied herself in the kitchen. Poe immediately offered to help, and Rey’s smile grew every time Amara fired off directions to the pilot. He took it all in stride, and by the end of their preparations, Rey was quite sure the old woman was in love with him.

  
Poe refused to let Amara carry anything; he brought the humble meal over on a plain silver tray. There were little sandwiches, fresh fruit, and a big bowl of soup.

  
“It looks delicious,” Rey said, her mouth watering as she breathed in the food. “Thank you, Amara. And you, Poe.”

  
“Hush, child, it’s my pleasure,” said Amara, taking a seat beside Leia.

  
Poe smiled warmly at Rey and handed her a plate of food. She returned the smile and dug in with reckless abandon.  
Leia coughed pointedly, and Rey’s hands stilled.

  
“Right, right. Like I have a secret. I can do that,” Rey said. She picked up a sandwich and took a dainty bite, chewed with her mouth closed, then smiled demurely at Leia.

  
“Much better,” Leia commented. “And remember to sit up straight,” she added. Rey’s back lengthened, and she immediately felt more confident.

  
The rest of the meal passed with occasional corrections from Leia, followed by well-meaning jibes from Poe. Rey was quite proud of herself for her progress. Soon the food was gone, and Rey was content in the little house. Her guard was lowered, but she knew it wouldn’t last. They’d have to start preparing for the evening, even though every part of her just wanted to _stay_.

  
“Rey, you’ll want to bathe with plenty of time for your hair to dry,” Leia instructed. “The ‘fresher’s just down the hall.”

  
“Alright. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

  
“When’s the last time you had a nice long bath? Enjoy yourself; we’ve got time.” Leia had a pained, maternal look on her face. How could Rey do anything but listen to her?

  
“Thank you, Leia,” Rey replied, and she made her way to the bathroom.

  
She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment, examining her face from multiple angles. Both Leia and Amara had pointed out her beauty today, and it almost made her self-conscience. She’d never felt like her looks were important before she arrived here, and it wasn’t something she wanted to care about. But she looked at Leia with admiration—her elegant gowns, extravagant hairstyles, expensive jewelry. _Just for tonight_ , thought Rey, _I want to feel beautiful_.

Rey shook off her jacket, tunic, trousers, and underclothes, then climbed into the tub. She turned on the water stream as hot as it could go and relished the burning feeling until it became too painful. She made the water a more comfortable temperature, and sunk deeper as the water level rose. She took a deep breath in then submerged herself fully. She had only ever been fully under water once before, in the cave beneath Ahch-To, and though the moment was panicked, she loved the way it felt to be below water. It was still and silent in a way that air never allowed. She opened her eyes and was fascinated by the way the world was slightly distorted.

  
When she came up for air, she shook her head. Water had plugged up her ears and she couldn’t hear a thing. But as she hit her ear with her palm, she heard a startled, choked gasp. Immediately she jumped and scrunched her body into a ball. “What in the bloody, kriffing hell is this?”

  
“Shit, Rey,” said Ben with blazing red cheeks, head turned away.

  
Rey had blanched completely, and her stomach flipped violently. She brought her knees closer to her chest, remaining silent.

  
“Rey, I’m sorry. I don’t—please, enjoy your bath.”

  
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that with you standing there,” she snapped in accusation. “What can you see, exactly?”

  
“Your tub is in the middle of my bedroom,” he said evenly, still turned to the side.

  
“Well could you just… go away?” she asked in impatient desperation. 

  
“I don’t think this works like that. I won’t bother you just… carry on.” Ben turned around and leaned against a wall, forcing his eyes away from Rey. For a single, mad moment, she wanted him to look—wanted to drag him over to the edge of the tub and pull his mouth to hers. But she merely uncurled her body and spread back out in the tub. She grabbed the bar of soap that was perched on the ledge and set to work on scrubbing her body. She tried to breathe deeply, but every intake of air felt shallow in her chest. All she heard was the sound of Ben trying to do the same. She looked at him for a moment, and her lower abdomen twisted. His head was tilted back, eyes shut, his hair grazing his shoulders. He looked almost calm, but she could feel the way his heart raced.

  
She washed herself in silence, scrubbed every inch of her body, then lathered her hair with shampoo and conditioner. Soon she was fully clean. She lingered for a moment in the water, but it was swiftly turning cold. Bracing herself, she stood from the bath and quickly toweled herself dry, then wrapped the cloth around her body.

When Rey was covered, she finally broke the silence. “Ben,” she said and walked over to him, facing him head on.

“Rey,” he said on a whisper and opened his eyes. His irises were drowning in his wide, black pupils. “Are you safe?”

“For now.” Tonight would be a different story.

“Good.” His jaw was tense. His eyes dropped to her feet, and he briefly took in her covered body until his eyes once again landed on hers. It made her skin prickle.

  
“Are you?” Something about his expression worried her. He looked drawn.

  
“For now,” he repeated Rey’s words with a sad smile. Smiles were so rare on him. She brought a hand to his face, and it instantly caused his lips to drop. Both of them exhaled at the contact, and he turned his mouth to her hand. His face twisted into a sort of pained longing. Rey stared at him for a long moment, contemplating pressing her mouth to his. Instead, however, she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled her head into his chest. He froze, hands still at his sides on the wall. But in an instant his arms were at her back, pulling her tight to him, the side of his face buried in her hair. They remained in this embrace for a few, long minutes, until the water on her skin had turned cold. She shivered, and Ben went to squeeze tighter, but suddenly he disappeared. The Force connection evaporated in the space of a heartbeat, and Rey was left cold and alone.

It took her awhile to recover from the feeling of loss that seized her just then. She stood still for a long time, willing him to return. But he didn’t. Soon, she shook off the feeling as well as her towel and stepped back into her clothes.

When she finally emerged from the bathroom, the cottage had taken on a different atmosphere entirely. She didn’t take one step before Amara swatted at Rey’s calves with her cane and swept her further down the hall to the guest bedroom. A number of gowns were laid out upon the bed, and Leia was standing over them, examining each one.

“Sit,” said Amara, pointing with her cane to the bench at the vanity. Rey didn’t hesitate; Amara’s tone didn’t leave any room for questioning. She scurried over to the bench as Leia paced beside the bed.

“You’ll need something pure, but powerful,” said the General. “Something that tells them you’re not to be trifled with, nor manipulated.” She paused for a moment, bringing her hand to her chin. “I want you to stand out, but it’s quite hard with the garish things these people wear. Much too extravagant.” Amara scoffed. “Can it, Amara, you know it’s true. I’ve seen my mother’s dresses.”

  
“Whatever you say,” the woman muttered as she began fiercely combing out Rey’s hair, working at the years of snarls that had built up despite her practical hairstyle. It hurt, but Rey couldn’t help but delight in the fact that she was being pampered.

  
“To stand out, you’ll have to wear something simple. Polished. That will set you apart.” Leia sounded like she was discussing battle tactics, and in a way she was. “This one will do,” said Leia. Rey turned to look over her shoulder and nearly coughed. In her hands, Leia held a stunning white gown. It was crisp and structured on top, with a high criss-crossed front that had a little triangular cutout at the torso and relatively no back to speak of. Whereas the top was all hard lines, the bottom flowed with an elegant whisper of fabrics. She couldn’t wait to put it on, but first she had to deal with the delightful torment of having her hair styled. Satisfied with its sleekness, Amara began to pull on strands and twist. Rey couldn’t see exactly what was happening back there, but she trusted the aged woman.

  
Leia came to Rey’s front and crouched with an arsenal of tools at her disposal. She took a strange brush and wisped some sort of powder all over her face, then a darker shimmery powder around her eyes. She then painted the rims of Rey’s eyes with a thick line of kohl. Finally, she coated Rey’s lips with a dark, wine-red paint-like substance.

  
Rey hadn’t found the courage to look in the mirror yet, but she could tell Amara was nearly done, for she was painfully stabbing hairpins into Rey’s scalp. She winced slightly but forced herself not to make a sound.

  
“Over here, Rey,” Leia said from near the bed. Rey stripped down to her underclothes, and Leia helped her step into the pristine white gown, fastening the buttons on the back with a satisfying sense of finality.

  
“Fits like a glove,” Amara commented. “I knew it would.”

  
“You look breathtaking, Rey. Take a look,” said Leia.

  
Rey walked over to the full length mirror by the bedroom door and almost didn’t recognize her own reflection. Her hair was done in a braided crown, and her eyes looked so striking that she felt she could shatter the mirror with a glance, if she wanted to. The dress hugged tight to her waist and flowed around her legs so that she looked like a real, proper woman. She actually smiled.

  
“The best part is, you can even wear whatever shoes you want!” Amara said eagerly.

  
“Wonderful,” Rey said with relief. “Thank you, Amara, and you, Leia. Really. I feel like a princess.”

  
“Well you’re dressed like a queen,” Leia said with a wide grin. “Trust me though, kid, being a princess is not all it’s cracked up to be.” The General tugged Rey closer to her, linking her arm through the younger woman’s. “You’re going to drive Poe to distraction,” she said in a conspiratorial whisper. “I’ll have to keep him on task with a tight leash.”

  
Rey laughed nervously, then stepped into the hall. Thank the Force there would be champagne.

  
-

  
For all the advice that Leia had provided Rey, nothing could truly have prepared her for the moment she stepped into the wide, ornate ballroom. Never had Rey seen such finery in her life; it almost made her queasy. Though, nausea was something she had swiftly gotten used to as she walked through the grand rooms of the palace. It belonged to some Naboo Duke whom she was sure she’d meet tonight. She felt sick with nerves, and her stomach turned violently. She gripped Poe’s arm tighter.

  
The Commander was dressed in a simple black tux, but he made it look obscenely elegant. Good looks aside, she was ridiculously grateful for the sturdy, comforting arm of her friend, which led her through the crowded room. Every now and then he whispered words of gentle encouragement, and more than once Rey caught him staring at her. Leia walked elegantly before them, introducing the group to person after person. There was a variety of species present: Gungans and Twi’leks, Mon Calamari and Ithorians, and some species that Rey had never encountered before. It was a whirlwind that made her think back to the Cantina on Takodana.

“Lord Jonas Vand, meet Commander Poe Dameron and Rey, the last Jedi,” said Leia, indicating her two young companions. Though they wanted to stand out, they determined that a Wookiee would make them far too conspicuous. Thus, Chewie had stayed behind.

  
“Last Jedi, you say? Is that so?” Lord Vand replied, at once flummoxed and intrigued.

  
“The very one,” Leia said with a glint in her eye, proudly lifting her chin.

  
Rey extended her hand and looked up at the middle-aged man through her lashes, a light smile playing upon her lips. “But hopefully not for long. Pleased to meet you, Lord Vand.”

  
“The pleasure is all mine, my dear. And what a beauty you are—positively charming. What a gift you have on your hands, Leia. Rey, you said your name was? And your last name? Perhaps I know of your family.”

  
Her heart twisted, but she kept her face composed. “I’m afraid I haven’t got one. Just Rey, my Lord. Fortunately for me, the Force doesn’t care about birthright.”

Poe’s eyes shot to Leia for a single, tense moment, but Leia smiled knowingly. _She’s got this_ , her face seemed to say.

  
“Right you are, my dear, right you are,” Lord Vand responded with shining eyes. “I like this one. However I can help you, Leia, let me know. I’d be happy to lend my support.” He gave Rey’s hand another squeeze, then went off to speak with another nobleman.

  
“Well done, Rey. Excellent judgment,” Leia said under her breath. “You’re doing wonderfully. Go have yourself a drink,” she said, pointing at the bar. Leia didn’t leave Rey much choice as she led Poe away to a group of women who seemed to devour Poe with their eyes. She giggled to herself and asked the droid at the bar for a glass of champagne. As she sipped from the flute, she tried to let herself feel comfortable. All her hackles were raised, but there was something here, something she couldn’t quite place, that felt familiar. She looked around the room, as if chasing a fleeting dream in the moment before waking, but she couldn’t find whatever she was looking for. It felt like an itch on the inside of her skin, and she took another long drink of the champagne in an attempt to quell the odd sensation. But still it remained. She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, sipping her drink, but suddenly a hand startled her from her trance.

  
“Please help me,” Poe begged in exasperation.

  
“What’s wrong?” she said with a laugh.

  
“If one more middle-aged woman comes onto me I’m going to jump off that balcony. Dance with me.” Before Rey could reply, Poe had taken her hand and was leading her to the center of the room where numerous couples were swaying in a strange, repetitive pattern.

  
“Is this some kind of ritual?” Rey asked skeptically.

  
“No, silly, it’s a classical dance of Naboo. Just follow my lead, or… let the Force guide you. Whatever it is you do,” he teased.

  
“Fine,” she agreed with a grumpy huff.  
Soon, Poe was skirting her around the dance floor. She was a tad uncomfortable, for she had never danced properly before. She wasn’t sure where to look, and it felt too intimate to settle on Poe’s face. After a few darting glances, she decided to simply look past his shoulder.

  
The strange itching sensation began again, and Rey felt a whisper in the air. The hair on the back of her neck raised. She looked frantically around as Poe spinned her here and there, back and forth. He felt her tense up.

  
“Rey, everything alright?” he asked, but his voice sounded a mile away.

  
She nodded and bit her lip. “Yeah, everything’s f—“ the words died in her throat. She locked eyes with him across the room, his tall, broad frame draped in black, moving just as she and Poe were. In his arms was a rod-thin, red-haired woman in a willowy, purple gown. She forced herself to keep her footing. “Everything’s fine,” she finished saying. She fought the temptation to dig her fingers into Poe’s arms.

  
It was Ben Solo—Kylo Ren. He was here, in this room; it wasn’t just a Force connection. He was here in the flesh. And he looked just as shocked as she felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG CHAPTER ALERT! I had to force myself to come to some kind of conclusion for this chapter because I just could’ve kept on writing forever. That being said, a new update should be coming soon. Thank you all for reading and for every single comment you make. They warm my heart and make me want to keep writing. <3 xoxo


	10. Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wheel begins to turn.

Kylo felt as if his stomach had turned upside down. Rey’s eyes landed on his for just a moment, but the feeling that passed between them as their gaze connected shook him to the core. It was electric; it made the hairs on the back of his neck raise, and his hand trembled on the small of Lili’s back. He kept his body moving in time with the music, guiding Lili around the floor, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Rey. He spun his dancing partner perhaps in a choppy, unnatural way as his gaze narrowed in on Rey, as if she were the sun, and he orbited around her. He did _not_ expect to see her here; he thought he’d have to search high and low for her, yet here she had fallen into his lap. His head whirred with questions. Why would the Resistance risk their greatest asset like this? So blatantly, and out in the open? They must truly be desperate. Then again, the Naboo politicians had never been particularly volatile. Lili herself kept her political affiliations hidden--far more effective if she could conduct her personal and political affairs in private, she had told him.

All of these thoughts flew through his head in the space of a heartbeat. He could hardly think with Rey right there, in the arms of some man, looking so beautiful that she couldn’t possibly be real.

But she was. And so was he.

“Lord Ren,” said Lili, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Her icy eyes bore into his, her face far too close. He almost laughed, thinking of his recent spectral companions.

“It’s nothing,” said Kylo, eyes searching once again for Rey. He sought out her slender form, her striking white gown, but he couldn’t find her. Panic rose in his throat, thinking she had run away from him, but after a moment he once again saw her. His hand automatically tightened over Lili’s.

Then he caught sight of the man Rey was clinging to. _Poe. Fucking. Dameron_ . Would this man _ever_ stop tormenting him? Kylo nearly shoved Lili away and stormed to the two of them, but just then Rey looked up again, locking eyes pointedly with Kylo.

She smiled at Poe, whispered something to him, then walked away in the direction of a solitary corridor.

“Excuse me, I need to use the restroom,” Kylo said in a hurried excuse to Lili, not waiting for a response. He followed purposefully after Rey, taking long strides to close some of the distance. Soon he was in the corridor, and she was ten feet ahead of him. He could still hear the sounds of the party, the mingling, the music. But it felt miles away. At this distance, away from so many others, he could feel her in the Force with an intensity that almost stilled him. But he kept walking, and so did she. Rey didn’t look back--not once. Suddenly, she turned left into an empty room, and Kylo braced himself as he entered after her. It was a study lit only by the moonlight that poured in through the window and a few sconces along the wall. For a moment, Rey was motionless, her back to Kylo, staring out the window. He almost went to her, took her in his arms, but in a moment the stillness was gone. Rey spun abruptly on her heel and her face was utterly ferocious. She stalked threateningly toward him.

 _“What--the bloody--hell--are you--doing here?_ ” she spat out furiously, emphasizing each word with an angry shove. Though she meant for it to hurt, it was the first time they had truly touched since their fight in the throne room, and it stirred Kylo with anything but rage.

“I could ask you the same,” he replied in a low, calm voice.

“How did you find me?” she asked, still fuming. Her fury only amplified her beauty. She looked like a vengeful goddess, and he could hardly find words.

“I didn’t intend to--not yet, anyway.”

“Why are you here, then?” she asked with trepidation.

“I would wager that I am here tonight for the same reason as you: money. Any political body needs money, and what better place than the overflowing riches of Naboo?”

“Stop lying to me.”

“Rey, I promise you’re not in any danger,” he said earnestly, hating the direction of this conversation.

“And what about the Resistance? What about the people I love?” He could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes.

He didn’t answer.

“Just as I thought,” she spat at him. But she made no move to leave. It seemed she was just as bound by their gravity as he was.

He stepped closer to her. “Rey,” he rasped, “I just--needed to see you.” He placed his hand on the side of her face, and every part of him yearned for _more_ . The touch burned, searing hotter than anything in their Force Bond ever had. His pulse quickened and he felt sick with how badly he wanted her. He forced himself to keep talking, afraid that if he stopped she would vanish. “I knew you were here, on Naboo. But I can honestly say I didn’t expect you to be here tonight. And frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing here. I thought to strike down the Resistance but…” he ground his teeth together. “You’re _all_ I can think about.”

She stared up at him, face caught somewhere between disgust and desire. He could feel his own face turning with emotions, and for a second he wished he had his mask. This moment between them felt agonizingly intimate; he was bare before her.

“Funny, I haven’t thought about you at all,” she said, clearly aiming for vehemence and utterly failing. He saw the way her hands shook, the wideness of her pupils, heard her shortened breaths. She leaned into his hand, and he felt a shared wish between them that their skin could fuse together.

“I’m sure you haven’t,” he whispered, and his mouth hovered over hers. “You’re awfully close with that pilot,” he murmured between their mouths.

“I could say the same about you and that redhead,” she breathed back, and he relished the hint of jealousy in her voice. He slipped his hand to Rey’s bare lower back and could hardly stand the way she felt against him as he pulled her closer.

They hung there for a long moment, like a wave suspended in the ocean air before it comes crashing down, wishing to draw out this sweet feeling of suspense as long as they could. The music barely petered down the hall into their room, providing an eerie melody to their strange, motionless dance.

But just as Ben closed his eyes, a noise startled him from the trance between them.

“Rey?” came a confused voice from the door. Ben turned around and the heat that had just flowed through his veins turned to ice in an instant.

“Poe?” Rey whispered. “Poe, wait, please, it’s not what you think!” she shouted desperately at the man who stood there, frozen in utter disbelief.

“Rey, what the _hell_ is going on?” Poe demanded, his face teeming with anger and confusion and betrayal. “You do realize who this is, don’t you? You can’t; you would never--”

“Poe, please, stop. Let me explain,” she begged. Her breath was coming in shaky torrents and Ben could tell she was on the verge of hyperventilation. Kylo wanted to rage at the man in the doorway, but he was too focused on Rey. He reached for her, concerned, but her hand flew to his chest and stopped him.

Poe’s face twisted once more, then he began backing out of the room, shaking his head. He was just about to dash down the hallway, but Rey threw out her hand in what was clearly mad instinct and froze him where he stood. Just like Kylo had frozen her in the forest.

Poe tried to shout, just as Rey had, but no sound would come out. His eyes sharpened furiously.

“Poe, I swear, whatever you think is happening here… You don’t understand. Ben wasn’t going to hurt me,” she said in a pleading tone. Poe’s eyes narrowed even further at her use of such a familiar name. “I would never betray the Resistance. Never.” Tears now streaked freely across her face. “I’m going to let you free now, but you have to promise me you’ll stay and listen. _Please_ , Poe.” She gave a slight twitch of her hand, and Poe tumbled forward. Immediately he got to his feet and turned again, starting to flee down the hall. But this time Kylo sprang forward out into the hall and purposefully shot up his hand, simultaneously freezing and dragging Poe backward until Kylo held the back of his neck in a vice-like grip. He tugged the pilot back into the room.

“Let him go!” Rey nearly shouted. Kylo dropped him immediately to the ground, and Poe let out a hissing groan. “Don’t touch him again,” Rey commanded to Kylo, and he felt as if he’d been slapped. But he complied.

Poe stood and faced Rey. “I don’t care what you think you’re doing, Rey. I’m telling Leia.” Kylo blanched. Of course Leia was there--why hadn’t he realized it? But before he could dwell too long on the thought, Rey’s hand again flew up. She stared at Poe with the fierce eyes of someone who had faced death every day for fourteen years and won every single time. “You will tell Leia nothing,” she said in the curious voice of Force manipulation. “You will return to the party and wait for me to come back. You will ask no questions and forget any of this ever happened.” For a moment, just a moment, Poe’s eyes glazed over. But something fierce flared in his brown irises, and his face crumpled in betrayal and loathing. He shook his head one last time and sprinted in the other direction. Rey did nothing to stop him this time. She let out one, single sob and fell against Kylo. He caught her with strong arms.

He could feel the defeat in her, but before he had even blinked he felt it shift into something else. Her eyes shone with panic and determination.

“We have to go,” she whispered frantically on a single breath. “We have to get out of here, we have to run. Right now. Ben, we have to go.” She grabbed his hand, flung the window open with the Force, and dragged Ben behind her as she climbed out and started sprinting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN I'M SO SORRY FOR THE CLIFF HANGER mwahahahahahahahahaha. Love you all! Thank you for reading. :) As always, your comments are so appreciated. <3 Also just for a visual, the part where Rey walks to the study is completely inspired by the scene in Atonement where James McAvoy follows Keira Knightley into the library, but like. The PG version hahaha. Anyway--hugs and kisses!


	11. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben flee, but not without friction.

Rey’s racing feet pounded softly into the grass as she darted through the night. She thanked the Maker she’d worn her comfortable, practical boots. The ground was wet and muddy and she could feel how it splattered onto the bottom of her gown. She felt guilty for a moment, knowing how precious it was to both Leia and Amara, but she couldn’t spare it a second thought. Her chest pounded wildly and her lungs shot with stabbing pain, but she couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ stop running.

If she stopped, she would have to start thinking about what exactly she was doing, and she couldn’t face it—not yet.

She didn’t have to look back to know that Ben still followed her. She could hear him, yes--his labored breaths and rhythmic footfalls--but she could feel him in the Force even more tangibly. It almost hurt to have him so near. She felt utterly attuned to him--his pulse, his strides, the rushing of his blood, the ache in his legs.

But still they kept running. Rey spared a glance over her shoulder, and the palace was just a faint blur of light glowing in the distance. They approached a line of trees that thickened into a forest, and Rey forced her arms and legs to keep pumping even though her body screamed in protest.

“Rey,” Ben half-shouted, still following her pace. “Rey, we have to stop. Where are we going?” He caught up to her and grabbed her by the forearm, pulling her to a halt. She tugged her arm away and tried to start running again, but he raced forward and stood in front of her, stopping her with his marble chest and solid arms. “Rey,” he said through heaving breaths. She struggled as he held her, but eventually she allowed him to collapse his arms around her in a crushing embrace. She gasped for air, and her entire body ached. She allowed herself to melt into him. “We can’t just keep running. What are we doing?”

She balled her fist against his chest, trying to find her breath amid the pain in her side and the panic she felt rising. _What_ was _she doing?_ “I can’t think right now; please, let’s just get the hell out of here.” She forced her building sobs into a tiny, tight ball deep in her chest.

“And go where?” he snapped, his voice as sharp as a lash.

“Away!” the word tore out of her. “Please, Ben, take me away from here. We can steal a ship and run away, just like you said before. You and me. Start over.” Rey had no idea what she wanted, but she couldn’t control the tumbling thoughts that roared through her head, much less the words that spilled from her mouth. The moment Poe appeared in the study, her fight or flight response had roared viciously, and all she could think now was _flee, flee, flee._

He stilled against her, and she felt every cell of his body tighten. “We have nothing. Nowhere to go. We’d be on the run until we die. Are you sure you want that?”

“ _Please_ , Ben,” she begged and hardly recognized her own voice. It was raw, every syllable scratching and grinding like gears out of place. She looked him square in the face and saw in his eyes everything she felt: terror, desperation, and a belonging that could only be wrought between two people who so clearly didn’t belong anywhere else. “I have no idea if the mind trick worked against Poe. They’ll cast me out--never trust me again.” There was just the slightest hint of accusation in her voice, and though part of her did blame Ben for this, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for the look that marred his face just then.

His jaw set, features turning to steel as he took a deep breath before speaking. “Alright. We’ll leave. But I have to stop somewhere first.”

“Fine,” she agreed. “Where?”

“I need to return to my lodgings. All of my things are there, and I can get food.”

“No, _no_ ,” she spat furiously, pushing him away from her. “That’s not how this is going. I’m not going back to the First Order with you. I’d rather die alone in the wilderness.”

“Rey, I don’t care about the First Order--”

“Like hell you don’t,” she barely managed through her rage and regret. What was she thinking? “You’ll never care about anything but power. I was a fool to think you could change, and now I’ve destroyed the only family I’ve ever known in my life.” That tiny ball where her sobs were hidden suddenly burst open, and she could hardly see through the black spots that now hung before her eyes. She couldn’t get a deep breath as her body shredded itself from the inside out. Her head swam, feeling light.

Ben immediately approached her, trying to brace her, but she again pushed him away. This time she nearly toppled over, and for the second time that night he caught her in his arms. “Rey,” he said in a torn, gravelly rasp. “I swear, that’s not what this is. _We don’t even have sabers_ ,” Ben snapped. She heard the way he concertedly kept any anger from his voice. But there was something frenzied about the way he spoke. “We have no weapons, no provisions, no clothes but the ridiculous things we’re wearing. We’re getting out of here, but I’m not going to let us die because _you_ were to afraid to trust me.”

  
“You haven’t exactly proven yourself trustworthy,” Rey shot back, but she was beginning to soften.

“I know we can slip in and out without being seen. The manor is just through this forest--we’ll be covered the whole way. If we make it soon enough everyone may still be at the gala. Please, Rey, this could work, but we have to move. _Now_.”

She stared at him for a long minute with a hard sort of cautiousness. She was wary, but in this moment Rey didn’t really see any other option but to grudgingly take his hand and follow after him, once again running through the moonlit night.

Twigs and branches tore at her face and skirt as she ran, but she didn’t care. She kept pace with Ben, but each stride became more and more labored. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep running, but there was something deep in her heart that kept her going, an unyielding strength that pounded in her blood and refused to let her stop. It was that same feeling she got anytime she walked through the Jakku desert, so weak and hungry that every part of her screamed to just lie down in the sand and let the elements take her--but she kept walking, kept trekking. The same strength allowed her to stare that ghastly creature Snoke straight in the eyes, to tell him that he’d underestimated Ben. That he’d underestimated her. Yes, she felt that strength coursing through her limbs right now, despite the way they screamed.

Soon, light began to trickle through the thick trunks of the trees. Finally she sucked in a deep breath, feeling the tiniest bit of relief, though she knew that this was only the beginning of a long, hard road. Ben picked up his pace, and she followed suit.

The trees began to thin, and soon they were careening through the well-manicured lawn, which was larger than it had seemed from the forest.

They tore closer and closer to the wide, low manor. But as the outline of the house sharpened, no longer a distant blur, Rey could immediately sense that something was wrong. She knew Ben felt it too. Desperately, she reached in the Force for their bond, and she felt his mind immediately open to her. It was a strange sensation, being connected to him when they were so close. It wasn’t like before. It was like a mingling of their minds and bodies, as if both her senses and abilities reached farther.

 _Something’s not right_ , Rey shouted from her mind to his. They came to an abrupt stop, Ben’s arm shooting out and pulling Rey immediately behind him in a protective stance.

 _It’s too late to turn around_ , Ben responded. They were already in the courtyard, and the only place they could run was the forest, which was now so far away. His thought was clipped and controlled, but she felt him teeming with panic. The creeping feeling of being trapped hung like a cloud between both of them. _Don’t move_ , he told her.

To Rey’s surprise, she listened to him; she remained still, standing behind him. Suddenly, the shadows that hung around the building seemed to come to life. But no, they weren’t shadows. They were death troopers, dressed all in black armor that eerily reflected the glow from the front entrance. About a dozen of them teemed out from the darkness.

 _We_ have _to do something_ , Rey thought desperately. The troopers were still at a distance but they were closing in on them.

 _Rey, run,_ he thought suddenly, beseechingly. His mind was screaming and reeling. _They don’t know you’re here. Run._

“I won’t leave you,” she whispered furiously.

“ _Go_ ,” he commanded.

“I won’t,” she responded resolutely.

He was about to protest, but just then, a nasally laugh sounded through the silent yard.

And General Armitage Hux emerged from the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have you know that I planned this entire chapter while sitting in a doctor's office waiting for my doc to show up. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING. Hope you enjoyed, loves. Let me know what ya think :D


	12. Grit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey fight back.

Bile rose in Ben’s throat as the slippery man came into view. Ben made himself appear as large as he possibly could, spreading his stance and stretching his back and shoulders out to their furthest extent. Hux moved with a predatory sway, like a snake preparing to make a kill strike.

“Just when I was beginning to think you wouldn’t return,” Hux remarked. “Glad you made an appearance,  _ Supreme Leader _ .” His tone was mocking and triumphant. Ben didn’t dignify him with a response. Hux clapped his hands together, and bright lights came on in an instant around the yard. Ben’s nose twitched involuntarily. No more hiding Rey.

_ I can fend for myself, _ Rey’s voice sounded confidently through his mind.

_ I know you can, _ he replied, meaning it with his whole being.

She stepped out from behind him and came to stand by his side. The General’s eyes went wide, his face falling for a moment, but then his curdling sneer returned to his face.

“So  _ this _ is the scavenger,” he said, eyes drinking her in from head to toe. “Ahh, now I’m beginning to understand.”

“Don’t touch her,” Ben seethed venomously, raising his hand to wield the Force against him. But Hux merely chuckled and pointed at Rey. Suddenly, the blasters of every death trooper were aimed at her.

“Your father never taught you to gamble, did he?” Hux jibed. “Never reveal your hand, Ren.” He paused, his face glowing with murderous glee. “And here you’ve served your weakness to me on a silver platter. Don’t even think to strike. You won’t be able to stop every shot.” 

A vicious tremor twisted Ben’s face. He lowered his hand and briefly locked eyes with Rey. There was no fear in her eyes.

“Give up, Ren. You played right into my hand, running off to Naboo like this. I just didn’t think you’d make it so easy for me. When Lili told me you’d run off I thought maybe you’d sniffed us out. But alas, I mistook you for someone clever.” He stepped closer to Ben with each word. “You’re done.  _ Kneel _ .”

In his peripheral, he saw Rey’s stony face.  _ Listen to him _ , she said through the Force bond. Ben sank to his knees before Hux. For a moment, Hux’s eyes shone brightly with a ghastly look that bordered on ecstasy. But the moment was fleeting.  _ Follow my lead _ , Rey told Ben. 

Time seemed to slow as Rey lurched into action. Before any of the troopers had time to react, Rey simultaneously raised the ground to form a thick shield with one hand, and with the other she threw Hux back. The redhead tumbled to the ground and lost his breath on impact. At the same moment, Ben threw his arm in a sweeping motion, knocking the blasters from the troopers’ hands before they could recover from the shock of Rey’s actions. Hux was already beginning to stir. 

_ The blasters _ , Ben shouted into Rey’s mind. Both of them raised their hands and each called over two blasters. The instant they landed in his hands, Ben dove over to Rey behind her shield. They breathed raggedly, huddled together. He had to fight every instinct of his body, which screamed at him to pull her against him and kiss her as their world fell apart. But this wasn’t over. They braced themselves and both peeled around the raised earth, shooting wildly at the disoriented troopers. Hux had scrambled to his feet and was already running back towards the house in retreat, the coward. Ben nearly raced after him, but Rey stopped him.

“Leave him!” she called aloud. More troopers began trickling from the manor, and a couple from before had reclaimed their blasters and were now firing back. Ben dropped the weapon from his left hand and used it to deflect the shots aimed at both him and Rey, while his right hand fired shot after shot. His mind and body were divided between defense and offense, and it required all of his focus. Just when he felt himself slip into the seamless flow of battle, he suddenly lost his footing and fell to the ground. 

“Ben!” Rey shouted in a voice that was almost primal. A blaster bolt was careening directly toward him, and in that moment he felt something unlatch within Rey. She not only froze the shot in midair, but she called it to her hand, then threw it back at the troopers with such amplified force that it struck down two of them at once. She fired her gun with renewed ferocity and sent the armored soldiers flying in the air. She was terrifying and beautiful and Ben had to shake himself to remember that he should be doing something; he should get up and fight too. Both of them cut down trooper after trooper, and soon only the two of them were left standing.

Their chests were heaving, and he stared at Rey in disbelieving awe. Her eyes were wide and fierce.

“Hux,” she managed to say through labored breaths. “We have to get Hux.”

He nodded wordlessly and then darted towards the house alongside Rey. The house was chillingly silent, dark, and still. It felt as if even the walls were watching, waiting. 

_ The Force _ , Rey thought, and Ben nodded, taking her hand. Together, they closed their eyes and quieted their minds, reaching out in the Force, feeling the way it flowed through and in everything around them. They narrowed their focus to the house.  _ Life, _ he thought. Or was it Rey? He couldn’t separate their thoughts at the moment.  _ Life _ , they searched. There was life everywhere--the bacteria on the manor’s surfaces, the insects crawling in hidden crevices, the mice scurrying through the walls. But  _ there _ \--somewhere in here--there he was. A living, breathing man. Ben recognized his odious presence and honed in on it. 

In the same instant Ben and Rey opened their eyes and followed the direction that the Force led them. They slowly crept through a hallway, their feet making almost no noise. The only sound they heard was panicked breathing coming from behind a door. Rey got there first, and she slowly lifted her hand to the handle. After a moment, she threw the door open, and there was Hux, trembling with fear in a closet. Before he could move, Ben disarmed him, throwing his blaster across the floor, then pulled him from the closet. He shoved him against the wall and, to his own surprise, began pummeling him.

He threw punch after punch into Hux’s jaw, his nose, making sure to cover every square inch. “You thought you could best me?” he spat out under his breath. “That you could outsmart me, betray me?”

“Ben,” Rey said sharply, “that’s enough.” But he kept striking. Hux’s face soon became a bloody pulp, almost unrecognizable. “Ben, stop! End this!”

Ben stopped punching, but he kept Hux from crumpling to the ground, pinning him again to the wall, but this time with a hand to his throat. He crept dangerously close to Hux. “You thought you could threaten Rey and live to see another day?” His mouth twisted into a snarl, face contorting violently. “You were right, Hux,” Ben whispered. “ _I killed_ _Snoke_. You knew it all along, didn’t you?” His grip tightened and Hux’s fists began to pound futilely against Ben’s extended forearm, which stood like a bridge between their two heads. 

Just then, however, a flash of blue flew through the hall and landed directly in Hux’s temple. Ben nearly shrieked as he jumped back from the General, whose head was now not even recognizably human. 

“I said  _ that’s enough _ ,” she snapped, dropping Hux’s own blaster with clattering finality.

Ben’s hands shook. He tried to breathe deeply, attempting to reclaim his mind from the savagery that had overtaken him. “I’m sorry,” he said when his blood had cooled.

“I’m glad he’s dead,” she said, her face like ice. “But we have to keep moving.”

Ben nodded, then sprang into action. “I’ll get anything we might need from my quarters. You ransack the kitchen. If anyone arrives home, just kill them. I’ll keep my mind open to you--just call for me if anything happens.” Rey nodded assent and started back towards the kitchen. Ben raced down the hall to the west wing, crashed into his room, and tore things apart. He had no idea what might come in handy, so he took a sack and started throwing things into it, moving as quickly as he could. He darted back towards the kitchen and could’ve died from relief when Rey was still there. He thanked the Force that nothing had happened. 

“Let’s go,” she said in a hurried command. They ran out the main entrance and he was immensely grateful that Lili had insisted they bring her extravagant transport pod to the gala. His sleek durasteel ship was still there in front of the manor. The two of them jumped in and began preparing the ship as fast as they could. Ben halted for a moment as he watched Rey seamlessly navigate the controls of this ship that was clearly unfamiliar to her. Something in him loosened that he hadn’t realized was taught. 

“You pilot,” she said. 

“You seem like you’ve got it under control,” he responded with a smile, as if they weren’t in a life-threatening situation.

“Shove off--this isn’t the time for flattery. You know this planet and this ship better than me. On with it!” she demanded impatiently. He chuckled lightly and got into the pilot’s seat. Rey had already engaged the ship’s shields and cloaks. He glanced at the fuel and nearly sighed with relief as he saw that it was almost full. After a few seconds, they lifted off and were soaring through the sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your kind words!! I hope you enjoy. This chapter goes out to my best friend Claire who encourages my creativity and helps me keep writing when I wanna quit. <3 The next chapter is already written and will be posted like... very soon. Love you all!


	13. Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey are finally alone.

As they flew forward, the weight of what both of them had done began to sink in. Rey oscillated between paralyzing panic and a strange sense of nervous freedom. She glanced to Ben as he focused on the ship’s path. She studied his features, his long, aquiline nose, his eyes that betrayed his every emotion, his smooth skin peppered with marks, marred only by the gaping scar that she herself had given him. She didn’t sense panic in him at all; he looked almost calm. Resolute. Despite her fear, she found herself at ease beside him.

They had agreed to flee to the wilderness for awhile until they could figure out an actual plan. Both of them were too frayed and reeling from what had transpired to think any farther ahead. Rey hoped she had grabbed enough food for whatever that would entail. She lifted up her makeshift sack and began to sift through its contents, settling into the co-pilot’s chair. Ben glanced over at her.

“Where did you get that sack?” he asked curiously.

“From my dress,” she replied simply. And Ben laughed fully, taking in her tattered appearance. It was a beautiful, genuine sound—one that she wasn’t sure she had ever truly heard from him. “I’ve done worse,” she joked, indicating her outfit. She knew that she looked as if she had been sleeping on the side of a street, but she didn’t care.

“It suits you,” he jibed. “You could look through my clothes if you wanted to change. You already claimed my jacket—you might as well take the rest.”

“I’m gonna miss that jacket,” she said with a wistful sigh. She stood up and went over to the bag of things he brought, pulling out the lightest material she could find. She looked over her shoulder, and Ben was still looking straight ahead. Biting her lip, she tried to pull her dress off over her head by herself, but she couldn’t manage to unfasten the buttons in the areas where there was actually fabric. She thought about just ripping them apart, but she couldn’t stand the thought of desecrating the dress any further than she already had.

“Ben,” she said hesitantly. “Could you help me with this?” He glanced in her direction.

“With what?” he asked, swallowing hard.

“My dress—I can’t get it off.” Her mouth was dry.

Ben blinked. His face turned a shade paler, and his eyes darkened. “Of course,” he said softly, flipping the controls to auto-pilot. He moved languidly over to Rey, standing behind her so that his breath danced over her bare skin. His hands rested on her shoulders for the briefest of moments, sending shivers down to her fingertips. His fingers moved featherlight over her skin, and he took his time with each button. She held the front of the dress up against her chest. Her heart pounded wildly with his every movement. He was finished with the buttons, but neither of them moved. After a few long moments of stillness, Ben brought his hand to Rey’s hair, pulling out the pins that were barely hanging on. The braided crown unfurled, and he ran his fingers through the strands until her hair hung in loose waves to her shoulders. He gathered it to one side, exposing her neck. Rey’s stomach was taught with anticipation. She felt like he lingered there for ages, his hot breath warming her neck. Finally, he leaned over and pressed his mouth against her exposed skin and brought his hands to rest at her waist. He held her there, and she was perfectly content to remain enveloped by him and let the rest of the world pass by.

But just then, the ship jostled, breaking the spell. “Shit,” Ben cursed. “Need to go back to manual.” Rey’s chest collapsed with disappointment. “Think you can handle the rest yourself?” he teased.

“I think I’ll manage,” she answered with a playful roll of her eyes, but her heart still thumped erratically. When Ben was seated again, she shook off her dress, thankful that she’d had the sense to keep her leggings on underneath. She’d felt far too exposed without them before the gala and refused to leave Amara’s cottage without them on. For once her stubbornness worked in her favor; nothing Ben had would remotely work as trousers on her. She slipped on the dove gray tunic she had plucked from his things, then fastened a belt around her waist. Comfortable at last, she returned to the co-pilot seat. While she was busy changing, she noticed Ben had ditched his suit coat and tie, now only wearing a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black trousers.

“So what did you gather?” he asked when she was settled, indicating her sack.  

“Loads of bread and cheese, fruits and veggies, odds and ends that looked quite delicious. And these,” she said, pulling out a handful of knives. He laughed again. She loved that sound and wanted to hear it again, as much as possible. Whatever tension was left in her began to unfurl.

They sat in easy, companionable silence, and though they had never physically been together like this before, it was familiar and utterly _right_. Rey’s eyes began to feel heavy, and she drifted off into a peaceful sleep, curled up in her chair. She didn’t wake until Ben gently jostled her arm. The ship had landed.

“I think we’ll be safe here,” he said, looking at her with equal parts reverence and concern. She could feel Ben pouring himself into her in a way that almost frightened her with its intensity. What frightened her even more was that she felt herself doing the same.

She smiled at him, vision still just the slightest bit foggy from sleep. “Can we sleep outside?” she asked. But as the words slipped from her mouth, her cheeks reddened instantly. We. Sleep. The two of them… together. She knew that was clearly what came next in this scenario, but it hadn’t fully sunk in until this moment. She had slept among the presence of men loads of times with the Resistance. She’d even slept beside Ben through their Force Bond. But this was different. This was far more intimate—just her and Ben. No distractions. No buffers. The thought made her pulse quicken and her stomach stir with a nervous energy, but she didn’t shy away from it.

Ben’s voice was strained when he answered. “Of course.” He grabbed a blanket from his sack and followed Rey out down the ramp. It was cool outside, but in a way that made Rey’s senses sharp, her skin alive. It was comfortable.

Ben spread the blanket on the ground and sat down cross-legged. Rey followed suit, settling so that she faced him, their knees nearly touching. Now that they were finally settled, she felt at peace, yes, but her blood was still singing from their battle at the manor. She hadn’t used the Force so much in a while… perhaps ever. Her body felt expended but in a way, invigorated. Hungry, despite being well-fed.

She noticed that same agitation in Ben sitting across from her. Neither of them spoke; they just stared at one another, breathing heavily. Certainly it was her use of the Force that made her stomach coil, that made her mouth dry and her skin itch for contact.

She wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly their mouths were crashing into each other desperately. They had kissed before, but it had never been like this—always over the Force bond, always colored by anger. This was different. This was instinctual, driven by utter necessity, like both of them were drowning and could only find air within the other. Her stomach flipped and turned, and she felt as if she were falling and soaring all at once as Ben pulled her to him.

She was nearly in his lap as their mouth moved sweetly and agonizingly against one another. _More_ , she thought. She began fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, running her hands over his chest as they fell to the ground. Every instant that their lips came apart she cursed the need to breathe. Their minds were still open to one another, and she couldn’t tell what sensation was coming from her and what was his, but the word _more_ screamed and clanged around both of their minds until nothing was between them, every layer of clothing was gone, every inch of them was pressed together, moving with an anguished fluidity that was all instinct. She didn’t pause to think, just let her body drive her, let Ben lead her. They clashed and collided recklessly. It almost reminded her of the way she and Ben had fought in the forest on Starkiller Base, or the way they'd fought back-to-back on the _Supremacy_ : ferocious, as if her life depended on it. Some part of her hurt, but she was too consumed by their shared bliss to care. In this moment, she felt fused to him irrevocably: they were one in mind and body, and Rey didn’t want to be parted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like... Couldn't wait any longer to post this chapter. I'm extra. Soak in the fluff while it lasts mwahahaha. I hope you enjoyed! :D


	14. Reckoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redemption is hard-won. AKA: Ben Solo finally begins to face the truth.

Ben Solo slept peacefully for the first time in years. When he woke, she was still in his arms. As he lay there, limbs tangled with Rey, he couldn’t quite believe that he hadn’t just dreamt it all. He’d abandoned the First Order, beaten Hux within an inch of his life, and had Rey in the way he had desired ever since his mind first touched hers aboard the _Finalizer._

The past night flashed through his mind: a ceaseless exploration of one another’s bodies, as if the very Force impelled them to continue, to chase, to connect, to devour. He felt as if he were purging himself of years of loneliness, desperation, and agony, pouring everything that was good in him into those few moments of utter ecstasy with Rey. And he felt her doing the same. Every moment was amplified because it was shared, bounced back and forth, felt with double the intensity.

The two of them fell into a habitual cycle in this uncouth, remote paradise. They rose early with the sun and meditated as one, encountering new reaches of calm and balance. They sparingly ate the provisions that Rey had gathered. And they sparred, not with sabers, but with the Force and their fists. With every duel, he was taken aback by her natural acuity for combat. She wielded the elements as effortlessly as her own hands, using the Force to push and pull the very earth and wind around him. She bested him; he bested her. And the fighting would always morph into a different sort of sparring, one with tongues and lips and grappling, untamed limbs. It always started in the heat of the moment, when they were face-to-face after one of them gained an advantage. Or perhaps when one of them was knocked down, the other straddling and ready to strike. It began with fire and ended in an empathetic harmony driven solely by the desire to _care_ , to _comfort_ . Their bodies spoke, _sang_ , and the tune they contrived was this: the utter certainty that they weren’t alone, that someone was here, someone understood, and that very someone wasn’t going anywhere.

Ben felt whole in a way that he never had before. He’d been given glimpses of this wholeness through their Force bond, but nothing compared to the unity and ease that he now felt with Rey. He relished in the small things. The snarl she made when she was focused and fighting. The dimples on her cheeks. The freckles scattered across her face, relics of her years under the Jakku sun. The way her eyes danced when she laughed, and the way they swam when she unfurled in the throes of passion. He wished they could stay like this. That they could just erase their respective pasts and live together, in the present, isolated from the rest of the galaxy.

But things are rarely ever so easy.

Trouble came, without fail, in the afternoons. It usually began with a memory.

On their third day together, Ben was fastening a trap to catch some wild creature, hoping to provide variety amidst the constant stream of cheese and bread.

“Quite impressive,” Rey commented in a mocking tone, but he heard the genuine admiration just underneath.

“Haven’t done this awhile, so no promises,” he replied.

“Where’d you learn?” she asked gently, crowding into his space and leaning her head against his shoulder as they crouched, waiting.

He paused, his chest contracting as he was assaulted with a pleasant memory from his childhood—one of him and Han in a forest, using twigs and twine to set up an identical contraption.

“My father,” he spat out, somewhere between mournful and incensed.

Rey tensed beside him. “Ah,” was the only response she gave, but he felt her shy away from him. He turned to her and couldn’t mask the hurt from his face. Rey, on the other hand, was an expert at concealing her emotions. But Ben could see the way she kept her mouth from grimacing, kept her eyes still and unblinking so that they wouldn’t water. Her efforts to hide her feelings were useless against him.

“Do you have something to say?” he asked, unable to keep a slight tone of pained, impatient irritation from his voice.

Her eyes flicked up to his. She gnawed on her lip, knit her eyebrows. “Do you regret it?” she finally asked after a long pause, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Do I regret what?” he asked, feigning ignorance.

Her face hardened. “Do you regret killing your father?”

His face twisted, and his jaw clenched involuntarily. A swell of emotions he couldn’t identify rose up in his chest, his throat, his stomach. But he forced them down, refusing to confront them just yet. “I’m glad I did it,” he said blankly.

Rey’s face contracted. “Liar,” she snapped.

“What do you want me to say, Rey? That I wish I could take it back? That I’ll never know another moment’s peace because of my heinous crime?” he shot back furiously. His words edged too close to the truth, so he doubled down on his rage. “Han Solo is never coming back, and the galaxy is better for it.” He rose abruptly and stalked away from her.

She didn’t go after him.

They remained icy and distant for the remainder of the day. Ben distracted himself, aggressively skinning a rabbit that had been lured into his trap. Rey performed repetitive, meditative exercises beside a stream.

Blood had caked under his fingernails and soiled his forearms. He felt unclean not only from the gruesome task he’d chosen, but from his confrontation with Rey. Hesitantly, he walked over to the water and sat by the stream a few feet away from her. He peeled his shirt off and splashed water on his hands and arms, and eventually his face and hair. The sharp coolness of it reoriented him. He felt her eyes on him, but her fluid movements didn’t cease.

After an agonizing beat of silence, Ben finally spoke. “I do regret it, you know,” he said with considerable pain, as if some deep, primal truth finally clawed its way out of his throat. “Every single moment that I’m alive, that I breathe; I regret it.”

She said nothing, but her breath quickened.

“But no amount of regret or remorse will bring him back, and I have to live with that. I’m not strong enough to do that. So I choose to let go of it.”

“But you’re not,” she said, finally breaking her silence. She came out of her meditative pose and began creeping towards him. “You’re not letting go of it. In fact, you can’t. You can’t just wish it away, Ben—pretend it didn’t happen. The rest of your life will be a lie if you try to do that. I have no interest in being part of a life like that.”

Something twisted in his gut. For the first time since Rey climbed out the window of the Duke’s palace, he felt genuine panic. “So what? You’re leaving?”

“Do you want me to?” she challenged.

“No!” he shouted hurriedly, desperately.

She closed the distance between them and knelt beside him as he crouched. “Alright then. If that’s the case, then own what you’ve done. Face it. The full truth.” She was breathing heavily, her voice ragged and scratchy and raw.

“I can’t,” he said through gritted teeth, his eyes hot with unshed tears.

Her eyes shone with determination. “You once told me to let the past die. Well here’s the truth, Ben: the past won’t die. It’s there and it’s _here,_ ” she said, stabbing at his chest with her pointer finger. “It’s not going anywhere. But you _can_ face it. You once forced me to stare at my ugliest truth, to face it head-on. To reclaim what I already knew. It’s your turn. _Accept it_ , _Ben_.”

Unbidden, his mind flew back to that night on Starkiller Base when he stared at Han on the bridge. He saw it from both his own vantage point and Rey’s. He saw himself so close to his father, so torn inside, yearning for the strong, sure, solid arms of his dad. But he also saw red, heard shrieks, felt tears and agony that were Rey’s and Han’s and his own. He doubled over with pain, both in the memory and in the present, and now his tears fell freely onto the dry sand that rimmed the stream on Naboo. He balled his fist and slammed it against the still surface of the water, his head collapsing to the ground.

Rey wrapped her arms around him as he finally let everything come crashing into him, every joy and hurt that he’d ever associated with his father. All the lies that Snoke had fed him through the years—the ones that told him of his father’s disappointment in him, his hatred, his rejection and misunderstanding. The truth came in waves, receding and then overcoming him entirely, and Rey clutched him through all of it.

“I’m sorry,” he said through shallow breaths, unsure whom he was apologizing to. He knew the apology was futile, knew it didn’t change anything, but with the words something clicked inside him that had been unhinged and out of place for years. Catharsis continued to ravage its way through him, and his heart clawed for forgiveness that he would never, _could_ never receive.

And still Rey remained there, patiently holding Ben as he curled in on himself. It wasn’t a coddling touch. No, he felt blame and loathing within her despite her comforting hands. But beneath that, deep in her heart, he felt understanding. He felt truth. Hope. And that hope trickled into his own heart, like the gradual rising of the ocean tide.

He had no idea how much time had passed, but every muscle in his body ached. Finally, he found the strength to sit up and look Rey in the eyes. There was no judgment in her gaze, but it was fierce nonetheless.

“You are not lost, Ben Solo.” She took his face in her hands.

“No?” he hated the insecurity that snuck into his voice.

“No,” she replied resolutely. His mouth crept towards hers, craving her sure touch, her warmth. Rey closed the distance, pulling him into a deep kiss that was different than any they had shared before. It wasn’t desperate or needy; it was slow, raw, and real. He felt a shared vulnerability in their bond, and as he shucked off her tunic, as Rey swiftly unfastened whatever fabric remained between them, it was compassion that drove them. Not lust or heat or frenzy. It was a mingling of person’s that was so true and total that it twisted his heart even though that was the last thing he could focus on.

-

The next day followed much the same pattern. Only this time, it wasn’t Han that sparked their conflict; rather, it was Luke.

“Hiya, kid.” The nuisance that called himself a Jedi appeared out of nowhere in a haze of blue light. Ben muffled a startled shriek, not wishing to disturb Rey from her solitary practice by the stream.

“Really?” Ben shot at the Force ghost in an exasperated whisper.

“You seem troubled,” Luke commented evenly.

“I know you love jumping to conclusions, but I’m just fine.” Rage prickled at his skin, making his hands itch to squeeze the life out of something. He wished it could be Luke, if he weren’t already dead.

“Ben,” Luke began, his face twisting with remorse, “you can shut me out whenever you want. But you know that.”

This gave him pause. He reached for shock, but as Luke vocalized the words, he knew they were true. He did know it. And he knew some part of him wouldn’t let Luke go. “I trusted you,” he finally said lowly. He had planned this confrontation for years, and in no scenario had he ever imagined it starting out like this. “I trusted you,” he repeated more firmly. “Practically worshipped you as a kid. But you were going to kill me.” He couldn’t keep the hurt and betrayal from infecting his voice. “Why?” he demanded viciously.

“It was a mistake, Ben. One that I lived with for the rest of my life. One that I couldn’t face. I let regret consume me. Just as I had let fear consume me in my years of training you. From the moment I learned that Darth Vader was my father, I let my fear of the darkness cloud my use of the Force. Any hint… any indication… terrified me,” he admitted. “I wasn’t equipped to train you. I wasn’t smart enough, steady enough. I wasn’t loving enough. I did what I thought I had to do. And it was the gravest mistake of my entire life.”

Ben was silent.

“I wanted so much for you, Ben. I loved you so much. And it wasn’t in vain; I believe that. It still isn’t.”

Before Ben could inquire as to what exactly he meant, Luke disappeared.

Not long after, Rey ended her exercises and joined Ben by their little camp.

“You alright?” she asked absentmindedly, taking a long swig of water from their shared canteen.

“Fine.” He didn’t meet Rey’s eyes. Suddenly, he saw caution ignite across her features in his periphery.

“No, really. Did something happen?” she met his eyes intently, no longer allowing him to evade her gaze, which now scrutinized his every inch. She felt her reach out to him in the Force, her mind brushing gently against his, but immediately he shoved her out.

“Stop,” he snapped. Her face fell.

“Luke,” she whispered. “You’ve seen him? How?” Ben simultaneously loved and detested the hope in her voice.

“The damned Jedi is dead; leave him lie.” Bitterness seeped from him, but it rolled off of Rey like it was nothing.

“Ben, how did you see him?” her voice was higher, almost desperate. It made her sound so young. Lost. “Where is he?”

“He’s _dead_ ,” Ben spat back. “And good riddance.”

Her eyes narrowed like a snake’s, and she took a deep breath, clearly trying to calm herself. “You’ve let your life be ruled by the single mistake of a desperate man.” Her voice was low, angry, menacing. “Yet you deign to feel remorse for acting upon the deed Luke couldn’t even bring himself to commit? Do you have _any idea_ what a blind, ridiculous hypocrite that makes you?”

“You know who I am,” Ben shouted back at her. “You’ve known it all along; I’m a monster. Aren’t I?” His mouth twisted into a snarl. “You think you’re so pure, so righteous. But I see you, too. You would’ve killed me in the forest that night. I would’ve deserved that. But that didn’t stop you from wanting me, did it?”

“Shut up,” she fired back; her body tensed with rage, and her cheeks flooded with color. They were both standing now, encroaching one another’s personal space.

“Even before you knew the truth about Luke. I felt it, beneath your anger. That curiosity. I felt it in your fingertips.” His face came close to hers, and his hands gripped her wrists. But she didn’t shy away. “I saw it in your eyes, in your parted lips. Heard it in your pulse, your breath. That sorry excuse for a Jedi master scolded you for exploring the Dark, but you wanted to see the rest. There’s still a part of you that yearns for it—that wants to know.”

“How dare you—“ she began, but Ben’s mouth collided against hers. For a moment she yielded, letting heat and passion and fury roar between them. But then she shoved him away. “Don’t turn this around on me,” Rey seethed, forcing calm into her voice. He felt her inviting the Light into her boiling blood. Ben wanted to cling to his building rage and pain and frustration, but he couldn’t help but be soothed by the warmth of the Force that now pulsed from Rey’s skin.

He felt the Light beckoning to him, as it had for years. Instead of rejecting it as he had been trained to do, Ben rebelliously allowed the steel wall around his heart to soften just the tiniest bit, as if dipping his toe in the water to test its temperature. Whom he was rebelling against in this act, he no longer knew. But then in an instant, he heard a voice that sounded treacherously like Anakin Skywalker’s whisper into his ear. _Your greatest and only remaining enemy_ , he said. _Yourself._

“I’m sorry,” Ben finally managed. “That wasn’t fair.” The words hurt. They came not only from his mouth but from somewhere deep within. He was uncomfortable now that he finally had allowed remorse to creep into his psyche, and he felt every new mistake with a debilitating intensity. “And you’re right,” he added. “I’m a hypocrite for holding Luke’s mistake against him but desiring atonement for something worse. But that betrayal,” he paused and breathed deeply. He felt rage bubbling again within him and refused to speak again until it was quelled. Finally, he continued, “That betrayal, my hatred of Luke, defined me for _years_ , Rey. The thought of finally finding and killing him was one of my only solaces when I was under Snoke.” A look of disgust flew across her face just for the space of a heartbeat before she composed her features, but he registered it nonetheless. “I deserve your judgment,” he conceded evenly.

“You do,” she agreed. The words stung, but he supposed he deserved that too.

“Luke has been manifesting to me as a Force ghost,” he admitted after a beat of tense silence.

“A what?” she asked dubiously.

“A Force ghost. When some Jedi die, they just… disappear. Become one with the Force. Tell me, what did you feel when Luke died?”

“Tranquility. Resolve,” she said automatically.

“He’s not fully gone,” Ben said with no emotion. “He can still appear in our reality. He’s appeared to me. He did just before you came over here.”

She still looked doubtful.

“This really isn’t something I’d lie to you about, Rey. Trust me, I wish he was gone.”

“Fine,” she said stonily.

The subject of Luke didn’t come up again. That night Rey distanced herself from Ben on their blanket that they now considered a bed. It chilled him to have such space between them—physically and emotionally. He stood and went to sit beside the stream, unable to withstand the tense silence that hung over them.

After a couple hours of silent brooding, the sky above Ben and Rey broke open, and rain began falling in sheets on the entire area. He could hardly see through the heavy downpour, but he sprinted back to Rey, hastily grabbed their things, and ran into the transport ship. She followed immediately after him, and their chests pounded heavily. Both of them were soaking wet, and it was bitingly cold even in the protection of the ship. Ben went and retrieved towels from the bathroom. He hesitated for a moment, then started shedding his wet clothes. He had lost all sense of modesty after their few days spent together, but Rey’s cheeks still reddened as he undressed, and she turned away.

“Shy, all of a sudden?” he teased, the first words they’d spoken in hours.

“No,” she shot back and immediately faced him head on, staring at him fully. As if to reinforce her point, she grabbed the second towel from the floor beside him then began undressing herself with no attempt to cover, never breaking eye contact. Ben couldn’t prevent his reaction to seeing her thus. He took a step hesitantly towards her, and every inch of him screamed at him to pull her to his body—to take her where she stood. But he took a shaky breath, gently pulled the towel from her grasp, and began to dry off her soaking body. His movements were tender and slow, and he didn’t allow any of his skin to touch hers. The effort of his restraint was painful, but his only intent was to care for her and make her warm. Soon, she was completely dry, apart from her hair, and he wrapped the towel around her form. She wordlessly clasped it in her hands as he went to swiftly towel himself off and gather some dry clothes. He tossed a tunic over to her, then he slipped on whatever clothes he grabbed first. The look on Rey’s face was indiscernible as she wrung out her hair. Not another word was spoken between them. Ben threw some cloth on the ground then sank down to lie over it. He flicked the lights off with the Force, and Rey silently joined him on the floor, curling into his body and pulling his arm around her. Their breaths became slow and deep as they drifted off to sleep, and Ben remained enveloped around her the entire night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THESE TWO IDIOTS WON'T LET ME SLEEP. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! The angst starts comin' and it won't stop comin'. Also, just so you know, each and every single comment means so much to me! Seriously, my heart leaps with each one. You are the sweetest, sweetest people and it keeps me goin! :D


	15. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a change of heart.

Rey woke before Ben. His arm was still on her waist, his chin resting over her head. She could’ve stayed there forever. Never had she felt so safe, so whole, so known and wanted. Despite the conflict that kept creeping between them, she felt that Ben had carved open some place inside of her heart, and he alone belonged there. She was afraid of how dependent upon him she was growing—like if he were gone, she would feel as if a piece of herself were missing. The feeling was uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It had been that way for awhile, she realized—perhaps since the moment his fingertips touched hers. She tried to fall back asleep, to reclaim the warmth she felt when wrapped in his arms. But her body had already made up its mind, and the cursed light wouldn’t let her find anymore rest. She gently shrugged Ben off, hoping she wouldn’t wake him, but he merely groaned and rolled over to face the other direction. She stretched out her limbs and made tiny, involuntary screeching noises as her body adjusted to being awake. She looked back to Ben. His breaths were calm and deep, and his face looked more peaceful than it ever did when he was awake. Rey smiled to herself.

  
But then a little stab seized her heart—the faintest flicker of pain beneath her contentment. Why was such peace so hard-won? Such a battle to attain between them, within them?

  
She thought back to her friends, her family among the Resistance. She thought of Rose’s assuring hand in her own. Finn’s carefree smile. Poe’s easy charm. It was so effortless.

  
But then she also thought of Rose’s brows knit in concern on the Falcon. Finn’s accusatory grimace in the mountains. Poe’s look of betrayal at the gala. It hurt too much to contemplate, which is why she’d avoided thinking about it when she was here with Ben. But it was getting more difficult as reality crept back in, stealing away the bliss of escapism.

  
Rey tore her eyes away from Ben’s sleeping form. For a moment, a wild thought crossed her mind. A crazy idea. Ben was asleep, they were both in the ship. She could fly away, find the Resistance, force him to return with her. He wouldn’t refuse her once they were already on course, would he? Her thoughts trailed down this path for a while. But before her idea could solidify into anything more than an insane moment of fancy, Ben began to stir. He shifted to his back and lengthened his arms, then folded them under his head so he could look up at her. His eyes darkened as he gazed at Rey, causing heat to immediately rise in her blood. She stared back at him through the thick air between them.

  
Before he could entice her into anything, she squared her shoulders and mumbled, “I’m going to meditate.” Rey quickly slipped on her trousers, which had dried out from the downpour the previous night, and went outside. She inhaled sharply as she faced the brisk morning air, then walked over to sit beside the gentle stream of water. It murmured and bubbled in its steady ebb and flow, and she focused on the soft, grounding noise as she crossed her legs, straightened her spine, and closed her eyes.

  
_Breathe. Just, breathe_. Every time she sat to meditate, without fail, she heard Luke’s calming words from her very first lesson with him on Ahch-To. Was he really a “Force ghost,” whatever that meant? Rey tried to think of some other explanation, but she knew, with absolute certainty, that Ben wasn’t lying to her. So either he was insane, or Luke really wasn’t gone. Though she once would’ve immediately believed that Ben was an utterly unhinged maniac, she knew better. Part of her was relieved, joyous even, that in some strange way, Luke was still here. But another part of her, in a small space locked deep within—where she was still just a little girl screaming as her parents’ ship flew away—she was hurt. Why was he appearing to Ben, and not to her? Perhaps she really didn’t have a place in this story. Perhaps Luke didn’t want to see her, didn’t want her, just like her parents. Rey thought back to the last time she’d seen him, their heated argument, their angry words.

  
But then she remembered how Luke had felt when he died. She herself had felt it; their connection was deep and true. And again she heard his calm voice tell her: _Breathe. Just breathe_. She honed in on that voice and clung to it. She had let him go—had come to terms with his death and said farewell. With pain, yes, but also with peaceful detachment.

Right now, however, she reached for him, latched onto his words, and pulled.

Immediately she felt the air shift as the Force buzzed and whirred around her.  
Rey opened her eyes, and there he was. Luke sat in front of her, mirroring her own meditative posture. He looked young, serene, and though an ethereal blue glow surrounded him, he looked so _alive_.

  
“Luke,” she exhaled. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath.

  
“Rey,” he replied in that familiar gravelly voice.

  
Hundreds of questions poured threw her head like grains of sand slipping through her fingers on Jakku. “Where are you?” was the only one she managed in a choked voice.

  
“A pointless question. I am one with the Force, and the Force is everywhere. Wasn’t that part of your first lesson?” He smiled mischievously.

  
“You never did teach me the third,” she said in a light, joking tone. But her words also carried the weight of pain, loss, and regret.

  
“You don’t need me to teach you,” he said kindly, recognizing the veiled depth of her jibe.

  
“Why didn’t you come to me?” she forced herself to say, letting that small wounded space inside her crack open just the slightest bit.

  
“I only come when I am needed,” he responded mysteriously. She wondered what that meant for Ben. Luke’s mouth fell into a somber frown. “Rey,” he said after a beat of silence. “I didn’t trust you enough. But I should have. Now you must trust yourself.”

  
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. I feel like I’m drowning—I’m lost.” The words hurt as they tumbled forth, and she was finally confronting the fears she’d been running from. She paused, feeling the all too familiar sting at the backs of her eyes. She couldn’t quite meet Luke’s eyes. “My emotions are clouding my judgment.”

  
“Emotions can be loud—blinding, even,” he said with a nod, then cast a searching gaze at Rey—one she couldn’t avoid. “Did you know that the Jedi Order forbade attachments?”

  
“What?” The word nearly fell out of her mouth, her voice higher than she would’ve liked. She felt a knot beginning to form in her stomach. “What do you mean? What’s that got to do with me?”

  
Luke laughed. “We just established, Rey. The Force is everywhere. You can’t hide things from it.” Rey’s cheeks flared with heat as she realized what he was saying—that he knew about her and Ben. What they’d been doing. _Oh, Maker, I’m gonna be sick._

  
But Luke’s face held no judgment. His eyes were pensive, the set of his mouth thoughtful, not cruel or mocking. “The Jedi forbade attachment,” he repeated, his voice taking on the tone it always did when he was about to teach her something. Rey couldn’t keep the corner of her mouth from quirking fondly. But Luke’s expression hardened. “It was a rule that brought ruin upon the galaxy. In the minds of the Order, passion was too akin to rage—to use, to darkness.” He paused. Rey was chilled as she thought of the numerous times the Dark had called to her amidst bruising, hungry kisses. She nodded.

  
“But they were wrong,” Luke continued fervently. “A life devoid of love leads to true darkness. A life of isolation, one without attachments… it’s hardly life at all. It’s contrary to human nature. We need attachments.” Rey thought of Luke’s existence on Ahch-To and knew he spoke from experience.

  
“How do you keep attachment from leading you to the Dark, then?” she asked, feeling like it was a never-ending loop—that no matter what, all paths led back to the dark side.

  
“It all comes back to fear, Rey. Fear leads to lies; it leads to drastic actions with grave consequences. You’re afraid of your attachment—don’t be. Trust yourself.”

  
“I’ll try,” she replied.

  
“Do, or do not. There is no try,” he said with a cryptic smile, as if carrying on a private joke with himself.

  
“Fine then. I will.” With her words, she felt a fierce determination rise in her.  
They remained in silence for a few moments. Just then, she heard Ben exiting the ship.

  
“And Rey,” Luke said, eyes slipping over to his nephew. “You can’t stay here. Leia needs you.” This he said in an insistent rush that made her blood turn cold.

  
Her stomach twisted with guilt and fear. “What do you mean?” she demanded, panicked. But before she even finished asking, the Jedi Master disappeared. She tried to slow her racing heart as Ben approached her, but the way his intense, soft eyes bore into her did nothing to help.

  
_Leia’s eyes._

  
Rey firmly met his gaze. “I want to return to the Resistance.”

  
Immediately he froze. She saw the way his jaw clenched—the way his every muscle coiled. His emotions poured from him in a deafening cacophony: rage, fear, betrayal, hurt, disbelief, panic. But after a long moment of silence, he ground his teeth together and spoke in a chillingly calm voice. “So this is it?”

  
She blinked at him, puzzled. “You’re coming with me.”

  
Ben’s lower lip trembled, so he bit down on it, hard. “I’m not going to the Resistance,” he snarled, tearing his eyes away from hers.

  
“Then it’s _you_ who’s leaving _me_.” That cursed stinging feeling returned to her eyes. There was that age old fear of hers rearing its ugly, vicious head. Whatever he felt for her wasn’t enough. He’d throw her away, just like he had in the throne room, too afraid and too far gone to choose her. To choose what’s right.

  
He looked as if she’d punched him—as if the very thought of him choosing to leave her was insulting. “Never,” he said, almost bitter. But beneath that, there was the same gentle, reverent affection he’d had in the hut on Ahch-To, when he told her she wasn’t alone  

  
“If you want me, then you’re coming with me to the Resistance.” The words ripped out of her, and a treacherous tear fell against her will.

  
His gaze flew back to her, and his face contorted into something pained and feral. He rushed to Rey and knelt beside her, his hands grasping her shoulders. “Please, Rey. Don’t do this.” His words came out in a panicked whisper. “We don’t have to go back; you said we’d run away—start over. Let’s get off this planet. Please.”

  
“I can’t leave them!” she shouted and gripped his shirt in her fists. “They’re my friends. They need my help; I know they do. I can’t abandon them.” She brought her face closer to his. “And I _won’t_ leave you. So please, Ben,” her voice softened. “Come with me.”

  
He closed his eyes. His forehead creased where he furrowed his brow, and he turned the slightest bit away from her. “I can’t,” he whispered on a choked breath.

  
Rey grabbed his chin and forced him to meet her eyes. “Why not?”

  
“I can’t,” he repeated desperately. “They’ll never accept me.”

  
“Ben, they will,” she said fiercely. “I’ll make them.”

  
His face was full of doubt. “No.”

  
The simple word made her stomach churn. She shook her head. “We were fools for running,” Rey said, and Ben’s face twisted, fell, then hardened. “I was a fool. But I don’t regret it,” Rey placed her hand on his cheek. “But if we run, if I walk away without doing anything… I will regret it everyday for the rest of my life. If we run, I will resent you. We will ruin each other.” She hadn’t realized it until now, but she knew the truth of her words as she spoke them. “I _see_ you, Ben Solo.” Her hand tightened on his face, pressing hard into his cheekbone, his jaw. “I’ve touched your mind, felt your heart. You want atonement; I know you do. Redemption.” He didn’t move, didn’t flinch, but a tear slid between her hand and his skin. “Well here’s the truth, Ben. That’s not something I can give you. You won’t find that in me, no matter how hard you try—no matter how hard I try.” She thought of the desperate way he clung to her every time their bodies were together, as they came undone. She was just as much a slave to that fantasy as he was, and she wished, with all of her being, that somehow she could give him what he needed. “If we do nothing, then you will _never_ find peace; you will _always_ be tormented, and it will be of your own choosing.” She was out of breath by the time she was done talking, and her chest ached from the way her heart was racing and twisting, yearning and hoping.

  
He was silent for a long time. When he finally spoke, it was in the raw, visceral tone of a truth that lay long unacknowledged. “I can’t face her.”

  
“Who?” she prodded. “Who can’t you face?”

  
Agony marred every inch of his features. “I can’t—face Leia,” he forced himself to say. “I can’t face my mother.”

  
“Why?” He was silent. She dug her fingers harder into his face. “Say it, Ben. _Say it_.”

  
“She’ll never forgive me.” And there it was. This was guttural. She felt the way this fear gnawed at him, stabbed at his mind and his heart—the way it had lodged itself into him. Now that it was jostled free, she felt his panic and pain so intensely that it felt like a blow to her ribs.

  
“Maybe not,” said Rey. “But she’ll _certainly_ never forgive you if you don’t return. Would you prefer that?”

  
Finally, Ben crumpled against her, head falling on her shoulder. “No,” he admitted.

  
She gripped him firmly, trying to imbue him with all of the strength and certainty she had despite her own fear of rejection, her fear that her friends would turn her away, disgusted. Ben’s arms wrapped around her, and he returned her embrace with equal fervor. After a long moment spent laced in one another’s arms, Rey finally spoke. “Then let’s go find the bloody Resistance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go here we GOOOOOOO!! Meeeeeeeeeep, this story will not leave me alone. I hope you enjoyed the workings of the sleep-deprived nocturnal little owl that is me. Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think! I literally LOVE hearing from you all.


	16. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This path twists and turns.

Ben Solo stood in the doorway of the transport ship, his stomach turning, heart pounding. He pressed a hand against the wall to steady himself and gazed at Rey’s back with such intensity that he thought her tunic might catch fire. It was somewhere between the middle of the night and dawn—the sun was still tucked below the horizon, and the only signs of life were the sounds of insects and a barely visible cloud of smoke rising in wispy breaths from a chimney. Rey walked with purpose and trepidation towards the familiar little cottage, and her glance back to him was the only thing that made Ben take a step down the ramp, then another, until he was following cautiously behind. Rey squared her shoulders as she lifted a fist to the door, pausing and clenching before knocking three times. Ben could feel her fear, and though he wanted to hide his face and cower behind Rey, he instead placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back and stood tall beside her.

There was no answer.

“You know, we could just use the Force,” he said softly, lightly. Rey shot an annoyed glance at him. Ben loved that face she made—the way her lips pursed and her eyebrows raised. He considered needling her further just to see it again.

“We’re not breaking in,” she shot back in a whisper, and despite her impatience he still heard the affection in her tone. Ben felt the corner of his mouth quirk, and he fought not to let it morph into a full grin.

“Just a thought,” he replied, failing to prevent his smile when she rolled her eyes. Rey knocked again, and this time they heard motion inside. Ben felt a new spike of nerves surge in his gut, and he slipped his hand from Rey’s back to her waist, leaning into her warmth, her Light, for strength. It spread throughout his chest and soothed him. It was a sensation he hadn’t felt in a long time—one he’d spent half his lifetime resisting, trying to smother and destroy any vestiges of Light within him. Even now, with Snoke gone, with the path he had chosen, he still had an involuntary reaction of fear—remembering how his master would berate him and punish him for those brief moments of temptation to the Light. That association was ingrained in his veins, in his sinews, in the crevices and cracks of his brain. But the solid presence of Rey beside him grounded him in reality. With her, the Light wasn’t something to be feared.

As they stood there, he thought back to his conversation with Rey on the way to the little cottage just outside of Theed. Rey was sure that the Resistance would no longer be in the Gallo mountains, and they had no way to find their new base—no leads. Rey thought that perhaps Amara would know something, and Ben couldn’t think of any other plan that wasn’t fantastically dangerous. He would’ve much preferred to face death than the tiny woman who knew him as a child, but he figured he had better get used to being wildly uncomfortable.

Finally, the door opened. For an instant, Ben thought to drop his hand from Rey’s waist, but he couldn’t let go of her. He gripped Rey tighter.

Amara’s face was lit only by the lantern she held in her hand, and her expression was stony and unreadable. Her eyes scanned their posture, their closeness, but neither he nor Rey flinched under her scrutiny. She nodded once, clicked her tongue, and then without a word, Amara turned around and walked deeper into the house, leaving the door open. The two of them followed immediately, and Ben felt a sickening wave of recognition as he ventured in. The walls, the smell, the little trinkets that stared at them from shelves… they made him feel like a boy toddling along behind Leia.

Sensing his unease, Rey pulled his arm off of her waist and entwined her fingers through his, squeezing his hand tight.

Amara stoked the fireplace, casting a warm glow to the room, then she sat down in a soft rocking chair.

“Ben Solo,” she said in a low croak. Her mouth was set in a hard line, but her eyes were sad and ancient.

“Amara,” he replied, keeping his voice steady and emotionless.

There was a long moment of heavy silence, and Rey shifted beside him.

“It’s good to see you,” Amara finally said, her mouth spreading into a gentle smile. “Both of you.”

“Amara,” Rey said hesitantly, “I don’t know what you know—what you’ve been told—but we need your help.”

“I know a great deal,” the woman responded glibly. She raised her eyebrows and her eyes shot down to his and Rey’s interlaced hands, then pointedly back to his face. “What do you wish to know?”

“We need to find the Resistance,” Rey said, rushed and insistent.

Amara sighed. “Leia told me what happened at the gala.” Her voice held no accusation, but her words put Ben on edge.

“She hardly knows what happened,” he snapped lowly. Rey shot him a murderous look.

 _Leave this to me,_ she said through their bond.

“We’ve no right to ask for your help, but please, Amara, I’m begging you. We want to help the Resistance. Ben wants to help. We just need to know where to find them.”

Amara looked back and forth between the pair a few times, eyes finally settling on Rey. “Leia thought you might come here, you know,” she said in a soft, kind whisper. “She was furious at that handsome Commander Dameron—wouldn’t stop swatting at his arm. Said he pushed you away and scolded him for not hearing you out. And Chewie...” Ben’s face twitched involuntarily at the wookiee’s name. “He was beside himself. None of us got any sleep thanks to his howling. Of course I’ll tell you, dear.”

She rose with considerable effort, approached the two of them, and stood on her tiptoes so she could chuck Ben under the chin. “You, child, she did not warn me about. Leia was certain our little Jedi would return alone.” Ben’s heart twisted at this, but he kept his face neutral. He deserved that. He hadn’t planned on coming, himself.

“She was wrong,” he said coolly. Rey’s grip on his hand tightened.

“Hm,” she grunted. “A rare occurrence.” Amara smiled widely, her eyes slipping to their hands again. “So like Anakin,” she commented mostly to herself with a shake of her head. “But even more like Padme.” Ben’s eyebrows knit, puzzled. _What is that supposed to mean?_ he wondered, forcing himself keep the thought withheld.

“So you’ll help us?” Rey prodded, breaking the spell of Amara’s strange comments that seemed to bring the air alive with memories and ghosts. He half expected Anakin himself to show up, but no, they were just left with the nostalgia swimming in Amara’s eyes.

The woman nodded. “You must’ve met Lord Vand at the gala, did you not?”

“I remember him,” said Rey.

“The man is quite trustworthy and honorable. He offered one of his homes as a base for the Resistance—it is a remote estate in the Lake Country. That’s where you’ll find them.”

Rey turned to Ben. “D’you know how to get there?” He gave a single firm nod. Rey looked back to Amara.“Thank you so much,” said Rey, clearly forcing her voice to stay steady despite the frantic way she now held herself. “We’ll never be able to repay you. I hope to see you again one day.”  
Amara started chuckling. “You’re not leaving tonight, foolish child.”

Rey balked. “Yes we are,” she said with a cautious sort of stubbornness. Ben said nothing; this was far too amusing for him to intervene, and he would’ve accepted any delay to finding the Resistance.

“You bull-headed thing! I won’t let you zip off in the middle of the night. You’re staying here and getting a good night of rest and a full meal.”

Rey looked to Ben for help, but he simply shrugged.

“Fine,” Rey grudgingly agreed. “But we leave the second the sun comes up.”

Amara smiled triumphantly. “You take the guest room down the hall.”

Rey dropped Ben’s hand instantly, and her cheeks colored. “Are there two beds?” Rey sputtered. _Maker, she’s adorable when she’s embarrassed_. And then Ben felt embarrassed at his own thought, clenching his fist and cursing himself for how soft he’d become.

Amara scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I may be old, but I’m not blind.” She paused to chuckle. “No need to be coy. Now enough of this; I’m going back to sleep, and you better still be here when I wake.” The old woman turned and retreated to her bedroom, leaving Ben and Rey alone amidst the firelight.

Rey looked up to him with wide eyes and a soft smile, and then began walking backwards toward the guest room, keeping her gaze locked on his as she gradually disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. He felt the heat of his blood rising as he slowly followed, step-by-step, as if his limbs were tied to Rey’s on a string. He hadn’t the faintest idea of what would happen after this night, of how he’d be received by the Resistance. Perhaps everything would be fine, or perhaps someone would murder him on sight. When he finally stepped into the bedroom after Rey, he closed the distance with hurried, purposeful strides and their mouths collided with the frantic urgency of an uncertain future. As they pulled each other closer and fell to the bed, fumbling with tunics and belts and laces, their desperation morphed into something deeper. It was the weighty care and reverence of _the last time_. He already felt a heavy bittersweetness hanging between them even as his bliss was building. With every second that passed he felt another second closer to separation, and he wished he could spend eternity enveloped by Rey, holding her in his arms, memorizing her body, her face, her voice, mind, heart.

The night passed in a cyclical way, slipping from passion to peace and back again. Eventually, they simply lay beneath the soft, warm quilt in one another’s arms. Ben refused to sleep; he refused to waste any of this time that already felt borrowed. But his body thought otherwise--the treacherous thing was getting far too used to full nights of sleep, for he was drowsy and could hardly keep his eyes open. His breaths became synchronized with Rey’s, whose eyes were also heavy. She smiled at him.

“Rey,” he said in a whisper that was scarcely more than a breath.

“Hm?” she hummed dreamily.

Ben’s teeth ground together as an intense storm of emotion swelled within him despite his exhaustion. His arm, which was already tucked beneath her back, tugged Rey closer, bringing her mouth a hair’s breadth from his own. But he didn’t kiss her. His nose touched hers briefly, then he slid his cheek against her own and brought his lips to her ear. She breathed heavily, and both of their hearts pounded.

“I love you,” he finally said. His voice was soft but steel, a smooth stone that turned in one’s hand to reveal a rough, sharp, broken core. The words scarcely felt like they came from his throat. He felt like they were torn by some invisible hand directly from his chest.

Rey flinched at the words, and when he tensed, she immediately opened her mind to his. He was dragged into her through the Force, into her heart, into her skin, with crushing totality. She allowed him to feel what she felt. His words clanged and crashed all around her, reverberating to the very tips of her fingers--fingertips with prints that were more like scars. Scars from him, he realized, from the first time they had touched through the Force. She was terrified and wary and disbelieving. No one had ever told her these words. But in an instant her fear turned to something warm and bright, something firm and sturdy. Solid and clear.

 _Love_ , he felt her realize.

“I love you, too,” Rey whispered softly back to him, and she pressed her lips to his in a kiss that was slow and demanding.

The kiss ended, and Rey brought her head to rest against Ben’s chest. He couldn’t remember when he fell asleep, but soon the sun was trickling through the small window beside the bed.

It was time.

-

“Finish your plate,” Amara demanded as the three of them took breakfast seated on the ground around her low table.

“Yes, ma’am,” Rey said enthusiastically, shoveling the remainder of her food into her mouth. Ben smiled. Leia would’ve hated the way Rey ate.

Soon, Amara was taking their plates and categorically refused their help. Ben and Rey expressed gratitude, said their goodbyes, and then they were off in his transport ship. They passed the time in a jittery sort of silence, and Ben once again reached out for Rey’s Light, letting it hold him up despite his debilitating fear of their destination.

“Hold on,” he said when they were about halfway to the Lake Country.

“We’re going through with this, Ben. I won’t let you turn back,” said Rey impatiently, as if she had been expecting him to change his mind the entire time.

“No, really, I just realized something. I can get us to Lord Vand’s, but I cannot take this ship anywhere near the Resistance base.” His voice was a panicked rush. Already his nerves were like frayed wires, and they kept seizing his chest and making his voice sound choked. Nothing he said sounded particularly rational, he knew.

But Rey sensed his sincerity, and realization crept into her eyes. “Is there a tracker?”

“There must be. Hux was planning to murder me all along; there’s no way he’d leave this ship unmonitored.” How hadn’t he realized sooner?

“Well, _kriff_ ,” Rey cursed. “What’re we going to do?” She bit down on her fingernails in concentration, and he could see in her eyes the way her mind was working rapidly, running through plans and contingencies. “Wait a minute, Ben. They’ve got the _Falcon_.”

His heart pulsed unnaturally. “And?”

“There must be a way to get through to them. Maybe someone will be on it. Chewie hardly left the thing when we were on Ahch-To. You must know the radio frequencies, don’t you?”

He knew his face showed his distaste. Chewie… the _Falcon…_ It stirred up too many memories. It hurt him to recall that ship, especially with the wound of Han’s death torn wide open so recently. He took a deep, shaky breath and forced his voice to remain steady. “I do,” he finally said. “I can patch us through. But you have to do the talking!”

“Fine, yeah, of course,” she said with a triumphant smile. “We can give them our coordinates and someone can meet us. We’ll ditch this thing somewhere far away.”

“I can manage that,” he agreed. Soon, they were parked in a remote swampy area with no life forms other than giant, buzzing flies, and Ben was working at the control panel in an attempt to connect to the communications system of the _Millennium Falcon._ He would’ve managed it much more easily had his fingers not been shaking the entire time. Finally, the transmission snapped into place, and a faint buzzing sounded as they were patched through to Han Solo’s radio frequency.

After several minutes, which felt like hours, someone on the other end answered.

“Hello?” said a small, sweet voice.

Rey breathed an audible sigh of relief. “Rose? Rose, it’s me Rey! _Please_ don’t hang up!”

“Rey!” the woman on the other end, Rose, shouted. “Rey, where are you? Where have you gone? What’s going on? Are you hurt” Rose spoke in a frenzied, tumbling rush.

“I’m okay… I’m in some swamp in the middle of nowhere on Naboo, but I need to get back to the base. Please, Rose, _please_ say you’ll help me.”

Rose paused on the other end. “Rey, are you in trouble?”

“No, no. What have you been told?”

“Not much. Leia wouldn’t give us details—just that something happened at the gala and that you weren’t coming back. Poe’s been acting weird. Finn too. No one will tell me more. What’s going on, Rey?”

“I’ll tell you everything when we’re together, I promise. But I need you to come get me with whatever ship you can; I’ll send you my coordinates. Please, Rose, I’m counting on you.”

Rose hesitated. “Fine,” she agreed at last.

“And Rose… please don’t tell anyone. Just come as soon as you can.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that Rey… I don’t like going behind Leia’s back. Not after Canto Bight.”

“Fine. Tell Leia. But no one else, especially not Poe.”

“Alright. I can do that. I’m coming for you, sunshine.”

Rey’s face lit up at the nickname, and her eyes were shining with tears. “Thank you, Rose.”

She crashed into the co-pilot’s seat with shuddering relief and grabbed Ben’s hand in the space between them. Though he was glad they’d worked through this snag, he couldn’t stop another surge of anxiety from welling up in his chest.

Rey felt him tense, he knew. She looked up at him, concerned.

“Ben, it’s going to be alright.”

He worried his lip. “It’s a good thing you didn’t tell her I was with you.”

“She still would’ve come. She’s a true friend,” she said with hopeful certainty.

“Was Dameron a true friend?” he snapped. Rey’s face immediately fell, and he felt the sting of her expression as if he’d been the one insulted.

“That’s not fair,” Rey said through gritted teeth. “It was different with Poe.”

Ben closed his eyes and leaned his head against his seat. He didn’t want her to see the biting, vicious jealousy that rose in his eyes. He felt sick. “Of course it was.”

“Poe was shocked. He felt he was doing what was right.” 

  
_How could she defend him?_ thought Ben, forcing himself not to voice it. "And I’m sure Rose will be simply thrilled to find me here with you,” he fired back, hating the way his voice sounded. It was harsh and cruel.

She paused for a long while, staring at him hard. “This was never going to be easy.”

For a moment, he considered not responding. He considered sulking and brooding and stoking Rey’s anger, and his own. But he met her eyes again and took a deep breath, forcing calm to return. “I’m afraid,” he admitted at last, and his eyes stung.

“I know,” she said and squeezed his hand. He felt a rush of support flood through their bond, into his heart. “I promise we’ll get through this.”

They sat like that for a while, nothing disrupting their eye contact, their easy affection that they shared wordlessly. Soon, however, the whirring sound of an approaching ship disturbed their silence.

Rey dropped his hand and practically ran out of the ship as the _Falcon_ came into view, parking right next to them. A tiny figure that he took to be Rose rushed down the entrance ramp and went crashing into Rey, wrapping her up in a bone-crushing hug.

Ben couldn’t move. He felt fixed to his seat. His breath was stagnant in his lungs.

Rey glanced back to him, and he saw her mouth something to Rose. Then the two of them were walking towards him, and soon the clanking sound of footsteps echoed through his ship.

He heard them stop abruptly at the cockpit door, followed by a gasp. Finally, he forced himself to stand and turn.

Rose’s face boiled with silent fury. He felt as if she were mentally murdering him from where she stood, so sharp was her glare. He met her gaze for a long moment and knew the look on his face was one of pure curiosity. Ben glanced to Rey, who stood tall and fearless beside Rose. Her face held no shame, and it strengthened him to see it.

Ben took a step forward, and Rose’s hand immediately flew to the blaster at her belt. “Give me one good reason not to shoot you where you stand,” the tiny woman seethed.

“I want to help,” Ben said with the raised hands of surrender. “I’m worth far more to you alive.”

Rose’s tongue ran over her lips. She seemed to be pondering his words, weighing her options in her mind. She looked over to Rey. “I don’t know what’s going on here, Rey. Help me out.”

“He’s being honest,” Rey said earnestly. “I swear it; he wants to help. There’s much to explain, but I have absolutely no doubt that this man can and will help us bring down the First Order.” His chest felt warm at her words.

  
“Isn’t he the Supreme Leader?” Rose asked incredulously, with no small amount of accusation.

“Yes… well… not really, not anymore. He killed Snoke and Hux, if that makes any difference.”

“Actually, _you_ killed Hux,” he reminded her lightly.

Her face soured. “Now’s really not the time to be pedantic, Ben. I’m trying to help you out here.”

“Fair enough,” he conceded.

“Stop,” Rose interrupted. “Hold on. Back up. Snoke? Hux? You? _Killed_? Rey, is this the truth?”

“It is,” she replied with as much resolve as a human voice could hold.

“Wait… wait a minute. _Ben?_ Since when do you go by Ben? Aren’t you Kylo Ren? Rey, what the _hell_ is going on?”

“Rose, I promise I’ll tell you everything,” she said, and though she hid it well, Ben saw the barest hint of pink on her cheeks and knew exactly what she was thinking about. It made him smirk for an instant, but he schooled his expression into something thoughtful and gentle. “As soon as we get on the _Falcon_ . All you need to know is that Ben Solo is here to help, and it’s real.” Rose still looked wary, so Rey pressed further. “Rose, when we arrive at the Resistance, every single person will want to murder him. And possibly me. I _need you on my side_ . Please, as my friend, _please_ trust me on this.”

The small woman hesitated momentarily, but her expression softened as she took in Rey’s face. “Alright,” she said. “This is your one freebie, sunshine. You’ve earned my trust, so I’ll go out on a limb for you this time. But if he shows any sign of that evil, fascist _crap_ , I’m shooting him with this blaster.” She gave Rey a small smile. Then, she turned furiously to Ben. “And I’ll have you know, _Solo_ , that my sister died bringing down the First Order. Rey deserves my help, but you _do not_. Don’t forget that for a single second.”

Ben swallowed. She may be tiny, but this one was not to be trifled with. “Understood.”

“Alright, let’s get off of this ship. It’s making me nauseous. Come on,” she waved them on and led them to the _Falcon_.

As he walked up the ramp, Ben felt the temptation to flee his body, to make his mind go somewhere else like he had so many times when he was under Snoke’s thumb—when he was being punished, when he was ordered to commit some atrocity that his heart wasn’t in. Being numb would be easier—he knew that from years of experience. But some part of him knew numbness wasn’t an option anymore. He had to force himself to _feel_ all of what was to come, starting with this journey on his father’s ship.

When he was inside, Rey and Rose felt distant. The two of them settled into the easy rhythm of piloting the ship, but Ben had halted outside the cockpit, flooded with countless memories of this very place. He remembered the first time Han let him sit in his lap while he steered the ship. He remembered clambering down into the secret compartments under the floor and Chewie roaring playfully overhead, pretending he didn’t know exactly where tiny Ben Solo was hiding. He remembered learning how to fly, how to repair an engine, how to swindle and smooth talk.

Han wished so desperately for his son to be just like himself.

Ben remembered when the man began to realize that he wasn’t. He was too quiet, too sensitive and temperamental—he couldn’t take Han’s cutting jokes or glib dismissals.

He remembered staring out the viewport, hearing his parents argue through the walls, often about him.

Ben remembered Han’s hand on his face as he left to train with Luke, and then again with a saber stuck through his chest.

“Ben,” Rey’s voice cut through his reverie and tore him back to the present. “We’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lonnnnnng chapter and I didn't want to stop! Soon and very soon we will get some pretty explosive reunions. I, for one, cannot wait! :D I hope you lovely people enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you thought and what you're dying to see!


	17. Shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has returned.

_Ten years_ , thought Ben.

  
It had been ten years since he’d last seen his mother. He could still picture her face, young and hopeful, as she sent him off to Luke’s temple for the final time. He’d long ago purged Leia from his system—distanced himself in body and thought and heart as much as possible. But standing there, immobile against the cool wall of the Millennium Falcon, he could feel her in the Force with such intensity that he thought he might keel over.

  
He had felt her when he attacked the Resistance starship with his TIE Silencer—he’d felt her warm, maternal presence like a caustic chemical eating away at his own instability. Even now, his body wanted to reject the Light of her. It wormed its way in and grated against his nerves. But so close to her, with no one to twist this Light into something to be feared or distrusted, he couldn’t deny how badly he ached to run out of the ship and dive into his mother’s arms. He wanted her to soothe all of his hurts and fill the empty spaces inside him that had been wrenched open and excavated in the time since Han’s death.

  
But another, louder part of him wanted to commandeer the Falcon and fly far, far away.

  
Rey had already begun rushing out of the ship after Rose, and he felt immediately destabilized without her.

  
_Rey_ , he called out desperately through their bond.

  
She stopped abruptly and turned to face him with a cautious, patient expression.

  
“I can’t do this,” he said aloud, his own voice barely audible over the blood rushing in his ears.

  
She straightened her spine. “There’s no longer room for doubt, Ben. If you show hesitation now, they will never trust you. So buck up and leave your pride on this ship.” She turned on her heel and marched out the door, down the ramp. He had longed for sympathy, but he needed her harsh words even more. He imitated Rey’s confident posture and finally followed her out the ship. He hoped she would keep her mind open to his: more than ever he craved her support, her sense, her solidarity. But as they descended the ramp and were bathed in the simmering sun, the gentle breeze, the high, whispering grass, he felt the walls of her mind rising. He almost prodded at her through the Force, almost begged for entrance, but he could feel that she wanted privacy in this moment, and he let it be.

  
They took long strides across the grass towards a massive house that overlooked a glittering lake. It was almost repulsive how beautiful the scene was; he’d forgotten just how picturesque Naboo’s Lake Country could be. Rose’s small form moved with a shocking amount of purpose, and Ben could feel her _fight_ growing with every step. He tried to read Rey’s posture, but he’d never seen anything like it on her before. She looked strong as always, fearless and bold. But it was forced. He could see it in the way her bicep clenched, in the vein in her neck that bulged from strain. These minuscule shifts in her demeanor screamed of insecurity, of terror. Ben instantly felt guilty; he’d been so focused on his own fear that he’d completely neglected how Rey must feel in this moment.

  
But he couldn’t dwell on his concern, for soon they had reached the door. His mouth was so dry that he couldn’t swallow, and he felt like an entire planet was sitting directly on his chest. His breath was weighed down by an immeasurable force of gravity, as if his lungs were being dragged through his body down to his feet. He forced himself to keep walking forward, one step, then another, thinking back to the previous night when Rey’s eyes beckoned him to Amara’s guest room. Ben’s gaze didn’t leave the back of her head.

  
The expansive entrance hall was chillingly empty. All he could hear were his own clattering steps echoing against the marble floors.

  
Then suddenly, they came to a stop.

  
Still his eyes didn’t leave Rey. She stood beside Rose, and he behind both of them, dwarfing the two women whom he wished could be his shield.

  
“What did you tell them?” he heard Rey whisper to Rose. Her breaths were shallow and he wished he could reach out and touch her, comfort her.

  
“I told the General you’d contacted me and no one else, just like you asked,” she responded in a rushed whisper. He could barely separate one word from the next, but Rey clearly had no trouble understanding her.

  
“And Ben?” she asked.

  
Rose’s nose twitched. “Well I certainly didn’t mention him. Seeing as I was a little bit blindsided.”

  
Rey made to reply, but she was interrupted by the sound of wild footsteps careening through a distant corridor which grew more and more frantic as they came nearer.

  
The culprit rounded the corner, and Ben’s blood immediately boiled. It was FN-2187, or Finn as he styled himself now. Ben forced himself to remain calm. The man only had eyes for Rose and was still a ways off when he shouted, “I saw the Falcon—Rose, you didn’t even say goodbye, where the hell did you—“ but before he could even finish asking, the words died on his throat. He came to an abrupt halt about ten feet away from them.

  
“Finn,” Rey breathed out in a small voice that sounded terribly young. Finn took a step back as if that tiny word had swung like a battering ram to his gut.

  
“Rey—“ he responded, eyes flickering between Rose, Rey, and Ben himself. Ben tried to keep his eyes trained on some far off point ahead, but he couldn’t help but observe the ex-stormtrooper’s reaction. Ben had a moment’s instinct to place a possessive hand on Rey, but the feeling passed as he took in the way Finn looked at Rose and she back at him. Finn’s face twisted, and he closed his eyes.

  
“Poe said… I didn’t want to believe him…” Finn trailed off, then furiously met Rey’s eyes. Betrayal screamed from his every pore. Rey’s shoulders fell, and Ben wished he could see her face.

  
“I missed you, Finn,” was all she said back. Finn still remained silent.

  
“She deserves to be heard out, Finn,” Rose said with powerful conviction. “She’s earned that; you know damn well that she has. She loves us. All of us.”

  
Finn bit his lip, took a deep breath, and exhaled for a long time. Though he blinked numerous times, his glare never left Rey. But the glare morphed as his chest deflated—his betrayal shifted to something else. _Affection_ , Ben realized. _Gratitude_. Shaking his head, Finn strode to Rey and pulled her into a crushing hug, which she returned.

  
“I missed you too,” he said gently. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

  
They embraced for a few moments, then Finn dropped his arms and passed between the two women to stand directly in front of Ben. His features were twisted in utter disdain, and he puffed out his chest.

  
“I may owe Rey my life, but I don’t owe you _anything_ , you slimy, disgusting, murderous, _bastard_.” Ben kept his face neutral, but he was almost amused at the display. Nonetheless, the words stung.

  
“Noted,” Ben managed through his clenched teeth. They were the first words he’d spoken since they boarded the Falcon, and his temples were beginning to ache from the strain of his jaw.  
Finn’s nostrils flared one last time, then he grabbed Ben by the arm and began yanking him forcefully through the halls. Rey and Rose followed behind, and Ben desperately fought the urge to look back and seek out Rey’s face for comfort. Still her mind remained closed.

  
_She’s just nervous_ , he told himself. But something inside him—in that place deep down that Snoke once occupied—twitched and scratched at his mind. But it was his own voice, this time. _She’s pushing you away_ , it told him. _Shutting you out._

  
He forced the doubt from his mind, clinging to the warmth and euphoria he’d felt last night, when Rey realized she loved him too.

  
But for Ben, a seed once sown was not so easily eradicated. He honed in on Rey’s presence in the Force, and his mind was trained on the feeling of her arm across his chest, the slight weight of her body over his, the relief he felt every morning that his eyes opened and _she_ was the first thing he saw. Still, though, something had wedged itself in his mind.

  
He kept pace with Finn, ignoring the cold coil of dread that slithered through his chest, eventually settling in a vise around his heart. It felt so familiar, so intimate, that he didn’t even fully notice it until it was already suffocating him. With each step forward, the vise tightened.

  
Soon, the four of them approached a pair of tall double doors that Rose opened without flourish, allowing Finn and Ben through. He shot one last glance at Rey, and their eyes clicked together like the sliding of a deadbolt. The look on her face seared instantly onto the backs of his eyes, and he couldn’t help but commit it to memory. He felt the weighty importance of it somehow, though he had not yet known the way he would analyze that look, the way he would parse through every millimeter of her skin in the time to come. At present, however, her expression was utterly unreadable.

  
Ben ripped his eyes away from her with such labor that it felt unnatural, as if the very act defied nature—defied the Force. And that’s when he saw her. He’d been so focused on Rey that he hadn’t even felt her presence in the room. It was Leia, standing at front of the room, surrounded by uniformed Resistance fighters.

  
Ben stumbled but immediately caught himself. He hadn’t felt so clumsy since his adolescence, when his limbs were far too big for his thin, wiry body. And that was precisely how he felt in this moment: like a defenseless, foolish boy.

  
But in an instant, that fleeting feeling of levity was gone. Finn’s hand still gripped Ben’s arm tightly. He wished the cursed traitor would grip harder so he could feel _something_ other than the panic that skipped and jumped in his chest, making his heart pound erratically. He knew he should breathe, but the coil of dread had now wound its way from his chest to his throat. It constricted so tightly that air wouldn’t pass through. He forced himself to keep moving forward despite the black spots now dancing before his eyes.

  
He was only four feet from Leia when they halted. Another man marched forward and shoved him aggressively to the ground so that he was now kneeling before the General. _Dameron_ , Ben realized. He was too rattled to react with the usual rage that the pilot elicited from him, but he couldn’t keep his shoulder from shrugging away from the man’s touch. Dameron simply gripped harder.  
Ben kept his eyes on the ground. He couldn’t lift his head.

  
For one long, infinite moment, no one spoke. The entire room held its breath.

  
“Look at me,” Leia finally said. It was harsh and gentle and imperious all at once, and the words made Ben flinch.

  
He forced himself to raise his chin, eyes sliding finally to her face. Leia stepped towards him. She nodded once, and Poe stepped back from Ben, releasing his shoulder.

  
Despite her stiff posture and the neutral set of her jaw, his mother couldn’t prevent the emotion that poured from her eyes. Just like him. Her eyes were wide and warm, but steely and hesitant. They watered with years of unshed tears. He could see the longing in them—the guarded hope that was just a breath away from defeat. Ben’s face trembled; his cheek twitched as it always did when he was trying to shield his emotions. His lower lip tucked under then pushed out unconsciously. He felt himself silently begging, but for what, he did not know.

  
“Please,” he barely breathed out, so that only they could hear. “Please, mother,” he stammered, cursing the tear that escaped his eye. “Forgive me.”

  
She took a step closer still. She closed her eyes, squinted them hard, then laid her hand gently on his shoulder. He was struck by how tiny she was; she didn’t even have to lean over to reach him. As her hand rested there, he felt instant warmth spread through him like a salve. The dread unfurled, releasing his heart and throat, and he finally managed a deep, shaky breath.

  
Leia stared at him, long and hard. Finally, with her hand still on his shoulder, she lifted her chin and spoke to the two men behind him in a voice that cracked.

  
“Cuff him.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Guys. I’m... like.... so sorry. So much angst is coming and I apologize but I really don’t because I THRIVE ON PAIN MWAHAHAAHAHA. I hope you enjoyed! You are all lovely and wonderful. Please please let me know what you think! PS if you want to send me questions or prompts or ANYTHING, follow me on tumblr: my url is porcelain-wolf :D


	18. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey precariously navigates her relationships now that she's back with the Resistance. It is anything but easy.

“Stop,” Rey said under her breath as Poe clamped a pair of braces around Ben’s wrists. Panic crescendoed in her chest as realization crashed into her. _This is not going to go the way you think_ , Luke’s words echoed in her mind. What did she expect to happen? That Leia would throw her arms around her son and all the problems of the universe would be solved? That they could start a new, blissful life here without any consequences? “Stop!” Rey screamed, the words shredding at her throat like a rock grinding against concrete. But they were already dragging Ben away, cuffed and defeated. He didn’t even fight--didn’t even react to her cry, as if he hadn’t heard her.

She threw her mind open and cast out to him in the Force, but she found a solid wall. His defenses had flown up, and immediately Rey felt her heart shrivel.

 _My fault_ , she thought. The words attacked her, resounded through her head, felt like knives stabbing into her abdomen. _My fault, my fault, my fault_. The phrase became her heartbeat.

She had needed the space to think on their way into the Base from the Falcon. She had already felt so anxious and lost; Ben’s own fears would’ve drowned her, certainly. She wouldn’t have been able to face her friends with his deafening panic clattering around her head. She couldn’t let him feel her fear: she had to be strong and sturdy. Her courage and conviction were substantial, yes, but they were not as loud as her shame and wariness. She couldn’t have maintained a fierce facade if he was in her mind. She wanted to support him, but she needed to support herself first. She thought that closing her mind would help them both, but in this instant, she could feel just how wrong she was. She knocked and pounded and scratched at the door of his mind through the Force, but it was futile. It was like trying to pry open a solid slab of durasteel.

“Cool it, Rey,” a hissing but gentle whisper snaked into her ear through her loud heartbeat. “You have to know how this looks.” Rose’s small, soft hands clasped over Rey’s shoulders. “It’ll work out; give it time.”

But Rey couldn’t calm down; she felt a dam breaking within her. Right now she couldn’t be strong or sensible. All she could think of were Ben’s strong, sturdy arms around her, his untempered trust in her, and the broken look that must be marring his face just now.

He was no longer in the room; Poe had carted him off to who knows where. Rey shrugged Rose off of her and began storming towards Leia, but two armed guards stepped before the General.

“Stand down,” Leia commanded the officers.

“Why are you doing this?” Rey shrieked. She was beyond trying to control her reaction. Everyone in the room stared at her, equal parts shocked and curious.

“Rey, this is not the place to have this conversation,” Leia said levelly, but Rey could tell she was shaken.

“I think it is,” she responded venomously. “That man,” she began, turning around and scanning the faces of everyone in the room. She felt a confusing swell of betrayal and regret when she noticed Poe had returned to the room. He looked at her intently, his face blank, but there was something indecipherable just barely beneath the surface. “Ben Solo… he killed Supreme Leader Snoke to save my life. He defected from the First Order and took down General Hux, the First Order’s second-in-command. He himself was the first. But he left them, unequivocally.” She paused to breathe, realizing just now that she felt slightly faint. “And now he’s here to help.”

Some people looked taken aback, others wary and disbelieving.

“This is no trick,” Rey continued emphatically.

“It must be,” said a man whose name she did not know.

“It’s not. I promise you,” she said with all of the conviction she could muster. “He means to help; he’s changed.”

“How do we know you’re not in on it?” said another woman. “Where did you disappear to?”

Rey’s eyes were hot, and she felt swept back to the Jakku desert. _Alone_. The feeling slipped inside her skin. She was destined to be alone. Her parents abandoned her before, and this new family would too. She never should’ve left.

“Back off,” came a fierce voice from behind her. _Finn_ , she realized with crushing relief. He crossed the room and stood beside her, and Rose followed just behind.

“Don’t you dare accuse Rey of anything,” said Rose, and she lifted her finger threateningly at the woman who had just spoken.

“Enough,” Leia’s voice boomed throughout the room. She took a few hurried steps toward Rey, searching for an iota of privacy amidst the room full of people. “You think I want to imprison my own son?” she practically spat at Rey. “Of course I don’t. But if I made any other choice, _none_ of these people would trust me. They’d claim I’m emotionally compromised, and to be perfectly honest, I would be. Respect is hard-won and easily lost.”

“So respect matters more than your own son? He came here in good faith; he wants to do good!” Rey hated the way condemnation shredded at her voice, making it crack. But she couldn’t help it, and she was too worked up to prevent it.

“The wellbeing of the galaxy is more important than my family and my happiness. Hopefully the Resistance will warm up to Ben, but it’s _his_ job to convince them. To show them he’s changed. Not mine, and not yours. I will do what I can to smoothe this over. Whatever you may believe, I love my son more than I love myself, and I’ll be damned if he spends another second thinking otherwise. But Rey, we’ve got a war to win, and right now, I’d wager that three-quarters of this room want his head on a spike. Imprisoning him is a mercy, whether or not you realize it.”

Leia’s words chastened her. But still her heart was pounding, and her instincts were screaming to _fight_. “Fine,” Rey said through gritted teeth. But she wanted to punch her way through every single Resistance member and whisk Ben from his cell. She breathed deeply, searching for calm, for Light, but it was pointless. The only thing that sobered her was Rose’s assuring hand that had wrapped around her own at some point in her conversation with Leia. She maintained eye contact with the General for a long, tense moment; the entire room was silent but for some nervous shuffling. She could feel the way they all fruitlessly strained to listen to this conversation that was far too intimate to be public.

“We’re in this together, Rey,” Leia said quietly, her voice now soft. She took another step toward Rey. “I’m not letting anyone push you away again. You or Ben.” The anger left Rey as a tear slipped out from the General’s eye. “Thank you for bringing him home.” Leia’s words tripped and fell like a little toddler taking her first steps.

Rey nodded once--a simple gesture, but done with as much empathy as her heart possessed.

“Let’s get you some food, Rey,” Rose said, squeezing her hand tight. “You look ill.”

“Alright,” she conceded. She was feeling utterly exhausted--the kind of tired that made her feel like all of her bones would fall apart if someone so much as breathed in her direction. Her head ached from all of the heavy, tumultuous emotions that had overtaken her, and she let Rose guide her through the elaborate halls of Lord Vand’s luxurious estate.

Soon, they came to a dining room that was nothing like Rey had ever seen. She couldn’t even mentally refer to it as a mess hall; it was too ornate, too polished and gorgeous.

She was ravenously hungry, but as Finn placed a plate of food in front of her, she couldn’t help but picture Ben shackled and imprisoned in some cold, hard cell. The aroma of the warm bread and meat reached her nose, but she was immediately repulsed.

“I can’t,” Rey whispered.

“You don’t have a choice,” Finn said gently. “Eat.”

Rey forced the food into her mouth and chewed laboriously. It felt like she was eating ashes.

“Rey, we want to be here for you,” said Rose, who was seated in the plushy chair beside her. “What’s going through your mind?”

“I failed him.” She hadn’t meant to be so forthright, but the words escaped from her mouth anyway. Both Rose and Finn looked confused.

“What do you mean?” Finn asked.

“I made him come here. I thought I could convince everyone to trust him… but no one even gave me a chance.” She gripped her fork hard.

“He came here willingly?” Finn sounded incredulous.

“Wasn’t that much obvious? You really think _anyone_ could’ve gotten him into a cell if he didn’t choose to be here?”

“You could’ve,” he commented. Rey looked at him silently for a moment and almost argued, but then both of them began to laugh. Rey felt some of the tension leave her chest.

“You’re damn right,” she managed through her giggles. It had been awhile since she’d felt such ease--such youthful relaxation.

“It seems like he’d do anything for you,” Rose said more seriously, interrupting their silliness.

Rey paused. Her heart twisted. “You’re right about that too.”

“How the hell did that happen?” Finn asked. There was no accusation in his voice--his hostility was gone the moment he came to her defense earlier. He sounded almost bemused now.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you. Or anyone.” Her voice lowered. “Ben and I… we have this sort of… Bond. It’s hard to describe, but it started when I was on Ahch-To. Maybe even before that. It’s like the Force connected us somehow; I could see him, and he could see me.” Rose and Finn shared a wary glance, but Rey continued. “He kept appearing to me out of nowhere, and I began to learn that things weren’t as simple as I wanted to believe. He didn’t just choose to be evil. And he was still rife with conflict. I don’t care to describe it all. But we became… close.”

“What do you mean, ‘close’?” Finn inquired. There was a strange combination of revulsion and intrigue written in the knit of his brows, the squint of his eyes.

Rey shot a murderous glare at him.

“Finn!” Rose swatted his arm. “That’s so rude!” She paused a moment, then her eyes swiveled back to Rey with a ferocious curiosity. “But really, Rey. Does he… care for you?”

“He does.”

“And do you--”

“I do,” she responded impatiently but resolutely.

“Oh,” the sweet technician said. Her face was gleeful for a moment, but then it fell. The three of them sat there wordlessly for a while; Rey forced herself to chomp on her food, while Finn and Rose glanced occasionally to each other with concerned eyes.

Soon, the plate was gone, and Rose was escorting Rey to her chambers.

She had the room to herself. The Resistance was small enough, and Lord Vand’s house large enough, to allow for such luxuries. She had begged Rose to stay the night with her, but Rose said she had important Resistance matters to attend to.

“Leia will fill you in and put you to work as soon as possible,” Rose had promised her, then scurried off to business. Not everyone would find comfort in those words, but Rey certainly did. Anything to distract her from the storm that was booming inside.

Now that she was alone, she couldn’t ignore it. Her body physically ached in that space within her where she knew the Force bond dwelled. It wasn’t that it was severed or closed; she had simply become so used to having Ben at her side. She hadn’t realized how much her entire being had come to depend on his presence--something inside her felt dim without him.

She contemplated sneaking to him now, but she had no idea where he was being kept. And some primal part of her heart feared what his reaction would be when she found him. Would he lash out? Would he try to convince her to escape with him? She wasn’t ready to face him.

Just as she was beginning to get lost in her worries, three knocks rapped gently at the door.

“Come in,” she called.

The door opened, and Poe Dameron stepped inside.

She couldn’t prevent the wound in her heart from throbbing as she remembered the way he’d last looked at her, when he had sprinted away from her at the gala.

“Rey,” he began hesitantly, his voice riddled with regret. “I’m sorry.”  
“You have nothing to apologize for,” she deflected. She didn’t want to have this conversation with him.

He crossed the room and stood beside her bed. “I should’ve given you a chance. Leia was right; I pushed you away. This is my fault.”

“What exactly is your fault?” she asked; she barely heard his other words.

“I pushed you away--right into his arms. I’m sorry.”

Something about the way he said those words made her hackles raise. “What do you mean by that?” she asked defensively.

“I just meant--if I would’ve just listened to you, he never would’ve taken you away. This whole mess could’ve been avoided.” His words came out in a rush. “I don’t know what this sounds like to you, but I’m trying to make amends here, Rey.”

“I chose to go with Ben; I dragged _him_ away, and I’m not sorry. Not at all.”

His face suddenly fell from pleading to wounded disgust. “You tried to control me.”

She stood and stalked towards him. “I didn’t know what to do; I felt cornered and trapped.” Her breaths were beginning to feel short.

“You were making eyes at Kylo _Fucking_ Ren; what the hell was I supposed to do?”

“Maybe I had a reason for it--ever think of that? Oh no, that’s right, _you’re_ the one who likes to jump into a ship on heroic impulses and get hundreds of people killed,” she fired at him. “Maybe I--”

But before she could finish her sentence, his lips crashed into hers. They were harsh and angry but shockingly gentle. For a moment, just a moment, she yielded. But then she pushed him away as hard as she could. He didn’t try to move back to her.

“No,” she seethed. “I’m done with posturing and pride and possession.”  
“You don’t think Kylo Ren views you as a possession?” She hated how calm he was.

“He doesn’t,” Rey snapped. She was fuming, boiling, and she was afraid at what she might do to Poe in her anger. “Please leave.”

Poe brought a hand to his forehead. “I’m sorry, Rey,” he began. “I came here to apologize, and I didn’t mean for it to go like this.”

She was still furious, but part of her felt guilty. “I shouldn’t have brought up the escape fleet. It wasn’t your fault.” Her chest was heavy and wouldn’t stop twisting and writhing.

“It was,” he said sadly, with a shake of his head. He was silent for a while. His face remained neutral, but his voice shook as he spoke. “But the man you call Ben Solo is responsible for more death than your mind can even begin to imagine. Not even you can change a man like that, Rey. He’s rotten. You’ve got another chance here; don’t throw it away for him.”

He left the room before she had a chance to respond. His words poked at the back of her mind--at the doubts that lived in her head like creeping, monstrous shadows.

“You’re wrong,” she whispered fiercely to the empty air where Poe had stood seconds before. “You’re wrong,” she repeated. Who was she talking to this time? To Poe? Or to herself? Rey sunk to the floor and slid the lock to her door closed with the Force. Now alone--well and truly alone--for the first time in weeks, her walls evaporated. Sobs ripped from her gut through her throat, and she cried so hard that she nearly heaved up her dinner. Years of malnourishment made her swallow the sensation, but still she trembled with her tears; her face and hands were cold and clammy.

Gradually, the sobs subsided, and she was left there, curled in a ball on the floor, hands fisting into the fabric of her tunic.

She felt utterly spent, but her mind refused to quiet. She had grown so used to sleeping in Ben’s arms--to slowing her breaths down to his synchronized rhythm as they both drifted off--that she could no longer find rest by herself.

Despite her confusion, she searched for his presence in the Force. Though it was more distant than it had been for a while, she still found it without much effort. With her heart, she gave the slightest tug. Almost instantaneously, Ben materialized before her.

His head leaned against a wall. She saw the moment he noticed their connection--the slight opening of his face, the spreading of his brows and the exhale that lowered his shoulders. But in an instant, his posture became something guarded. They sat like that for awhile: she was still curled in a ball on her floor, and he kept his gaze downcast.

“Ben,” she finally said.

He didn’t move but for the slightest flinch--a twitch of his mouth.

“Please,” she breathed, rose, and walked closer to him. He finally brought his eyes to her, and though his features were twisted with agony, she felt instant relief at the meeting of their eyes. He stood and stepped closer to her.

“Was any of it real?” he asked, his voice wretched and strained. The words sucked the air from her lungs.

“How could you say that?” she barely managed.

“Was it a trick? Was this all a lie?” He took another step closer to her, hands lingering over her shoulders. “This was your plan all along, to trick me and trap me.”

“Ben--no. Never--you know that; you felt what I felt,” Rey said desperately. Her head was spinning and reeling, as if she were floundering for air, drowning.

“Did I?” he whispered. His eyes looked distant and lost--frighteningly detached. She wanted to reach out to him, to bring him back into her heart so that any doubt or lie that had burrowed itself into him would have no room. But just as she began to extend her hand, the connection snapped shut, and her hand grasped at the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OUR POOR BABIES. Settle in for some STRUGGLE. Things won't remain bleak for long though, dears. Keep faith! *blows kisses* So much love to all of you. Thank you again for your feedback!! My spring semester starts on Monday so I'll try to squeeze in as much writing between now and then as possible, but I'm gonna need some serious support to keep goin' once that time comes. But for now--enjoy! <3


	19. Desolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben struggles with new depths of solitude that he's never before felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a teensy little warning for some despairing thoughts. Not quite suicidal, but I thought I'd shoot up a warning just in case this stuff really affects you.

Ben awoke in his cell and sat on the edge of his bed. The room was hard and cold, but it had a window that allowed natural light in. He almost wished it was sealed off so that he could steep in the darkness. Ben forced himself to relax his fist which had remained involuntarily clenched throughout his restless night of sleep. He slowly opened his hand, which was stiff and aching, to reveal four red crescent moon shapes imprinted on his skin. His fingers shook.

His head was spinning. He almost wished for the comforting, menacing voice of Snoke which always slipped into his mind at moments such as this--moments that he’d felt rejected, betrayed, alone. But there was nothing.

It was uncomfortable.

He didn’t want it.

He didn’t want any of this.

He tried to feel angry, but he just felt empty. This emptiness cocooned around him, and it was suffocating.The questions and accusations started again in the brutal rhythm that had plagued him all night.

_Was this all a charade?_

_She never loved you._

_You deserve this._

_Why did you follow her?_

_Why?_

These words spun and spiraled and lodged into his heart like a blaster bolt. He leaned into these feelings of despair, lying motionless on his narrow cot. A plate of food was pushed into his room at some point, but he didn’t budge.

After a while, the sky outside began to darken. He had no sense of the time, but he could tell night was approaching when someone knocked on his door. A moment passed, then the visitor stepped inside and switched on the lights. He didn’t rise to see who it was.

“Ben,” said a voice that was at once comfortable and unfamiliar. Leia. Anxiety pierced through his cocoon of emptiness. He said nothing.

“Ben,” she repeated, her tone gentle and beseeching. “Sit up, please--look at me.” The same words she’d spoken right before she’d cuffed him.

He contemplated ignoring her, but he surprised himself by listening. He sat up and forced himself to look his mother in the eyes. So much hung unspoken in the air between them. Years of aches and doubts, hatred and distance, pleading and hoping.

“Mom,” he whispered. He tried to hold back the word but he couldn’t stop it from escaping his lips. The word seemed to cut Leia; her face twisted into something unreadable. Something like regret.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said warmly, stepping closer to him.

“I’m not,” he replied honestly. He forced his voice to remain even.

“Why is that?” she asked.

“Are you kidding me?” he spat, gesturing to the cell around him.

“Ben, you were a leader in the First Order.” She began in a rational tone that quickly gained fire as she spoke. “Tell me what you would have done if I’d just shown up in Snoke’s star destroyer? Tell me, would you have spared me? Spared me like you did your father?”

“Don’t speak of him,” Ben nearly shrieked back at her. Leia’s mouth twisted.

“I couldn’t have done otherwise. But believe me, I didn’t want to. I love you, Ben. I never stopped, and I never will.”

He let the words sink in for a moment. They felt like so many shards of glass piercing into his skin. His eyes fell to the ground. He’d expected her scorn, her rejection, her accusation--but somehow this hurt so much more.

“I need you to believe that, Ben,” she said when he was silent. “I need you to know that you are loved; that I love you.”

He shook his head and forced his eyes back to her. Tears blurred his vision. “It doesn’t matter,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Do you really think so? No, Ben. No. It does matter. It’s this only thing in this damn galaxy that matters.”

“How could you say that? _You_ of all people?” he shouted. “The rebellion, the resistance… it always mattered to you more than I did.”

“That is the biggest sack of crap I’ve ever heard,” she said bitingly, but black rivulets stained her cheeks. “I’m sorry for _ever_ making you feel that way, Ben. It’s the greatest regret of my life.” She stepped closer, lifted her hand to his cheek. Just like Han did when he killed him. Her thumb brushed against his scar. “You’re so grown. I can’t believe it.”

He wanted to scream, to rage, to push her away. But something inside him crumbled. He fell against his mother, pulling her tiny frame into a crushing hug. Leia squeezed his torso with such force that there was no room for doubt, no room for lies. Both of them clung as if they’d never see each other again. His breaths pinched and stabbed as they swirled in and out of his lungs.

“I’ll get you out of here,” Leia whispered against him. “I’ll get you out of here as soon as I can. I can’t promise when, but I will.”

“I know,” he rasped. “I know you will.” He squeezed her tighter. “I love you.” The admission was painful, but he meant it.

They remained in their tight embrace for a long while, their arms saying what words never could.

Eventually, Leia left, and Ben was alone once more.

-

Time begin to slip away from Ben. Occasionally, he felt Rey tugging at their Force bond, but he couldn’t face her right now. Despite the comfort and assurance Leia had given him, he still felt betrayed and alone. In a way, perhaps, he was punishing himself. He chose to wallow in his doubt of Rey, even if she didn’t fully deserve it. The lies and doubts were too loud for him to drown on his own, but he didn’t want to let go of them just yet. He couldn’t. They felt too real. He painstakingly closed himself off from the Force. It felt like he was losing one of his senses--like he suddenly lost the ability to see, like every breath felt empty. Something between his chest and gut felt hollow and strained, like it had been scraped and shattered. Most keenly he felt the lack of Rey--her absence. It hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced. More than the saber wound she’d given him.

An interruption came in the form of a young blonde woman with braided buns atop her head. He almost chuckled when she entered his cell; her hair was clearly emulating his mother’s standard style of choice.

“Kylo Ren,” the woman began in a flat voice. “My name is Commander Connix.”

  
“Hi.”

“Um… hello,” she stammered. She was visibly uncomfortable, and it made him smile. “I’m here to question you about the First Order. If you want to help, then I’m going to need all of the pertinent information that you know.”

“Don’t you mean interrogate?” he challenged.

“That’s what I said.”

“You said ‘question.’ ‘Question’ has a vastly more positive connotation, does it not? But we both know you’re interrogating me.”

She coughed. “Who is the First Order’s primary weapons supplier?”

He was silent.

Her nose twitched. She tried for another angle. “Where does the First Order plan to attack next?”

Again, he was silent.

“Are you going to cooperate?” she demanded.

“Send me Rey.” He hadn’t planned to say the words but they tumbled forth from his mouth.

Her jaw fell slightly. “I’m afraid I can’t--”

“I’ll only talk if it’s Rey,” he spat, losing the lighthearted air he’d put on. He was furious at Rey--felt betrayed and abandoned by her--but he felt an even deeper, primal, visceral need to see her.

Connix looked baffled and afraid for a moment, but her features shifted into something earnest that reminded him of his mother when she was about to tell him some undeniable truth. “They don’t want to send her to you,” she said under her breath. She bit her lip. “They don’t trust her… because of you. The way she reacted. But I’ll see what I can do.”

He was taken aback by her honesty--her willingness to help. He wished he could ask her more and discover precisely what she meant. But he didn’t say anything in response.

Connix gave him a long, meaningful look, then left the cell. Ben immediately settled back into his brooding.

Some time later--Ben had no idea how long, for he had stopped paying attention to the rise and fall of the sun--another knock sounded at the door.

If he hadn’t been closed off from the Force, he would’ve felt her. But as it was, he was entirely unprepared to face Rey as she stepped into his prison. He lost his breath when their eyes met. He tried to feel angry but only felt the desire to cross the room and hold her in his arms.

“Have you come to gloat?” he said. He had meant for the words to sound biting, but they came out in a pathetic, defeated whimper.

Her face fell. “Why in the galaxy would I do that?”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Ben pried. “All along? Me, in a cell, at the mercy of the Resistance. Don’t tell me you never wished for this.”

She looked away. Said nothing.

“You shut me out,” he forced himself to say.

“And now you’re shutting me out. Funny how we always manage to push each other away.” His eyes traveled back to hers against his own will, as if the gravity of her was too much to resist. “I can’t talk freely,” she whispered. “Someone is outside.”

He gave a clipped nod. Despite the tangible, painful distance between them, his eyes screamed at her--he could feel it, the way they watered and yearned.

He forced any emotion out of his his voice, manipulating his shaky tone into something cold and dispassionate. “I suppose you’ve come for information. What do you want to know?” She paused. It was long and agonizing and laden with unexpressed feeling.

“Who is the primary supplier of the First Order’s artillery?” she finally asked, her voice hurried and tripping.

“Mok Winlo,” he answered without hesitation.

“Where are they attacking next?”

“Bespin.”

“Who is next in command?”

“General Genna Drexel.”

“Where is the main seat of power?”

“Coruscant.”

They bounced back and forth between question and answer in a strange sort of volley--a charged repartee that meant far more than their words ever could’ve told.

Tears had gradually built into Rey’s eyes, but she continued in her mechanical questioning, and he never stopped answering.

“Thank you for your cooperation,” she said after a seemingly endless stream of interrogation.

She turned to leave but he couldn’t stop the words from escaping his mouth.”Stay,” he begged under his breath.

She looked back at him. His eyes pleaded and demanded. He felt himself leaning toward her without at all intending to.

“I can’t,” she barely said before tearing her eyes away from his. She disappeared through the door, and Ben was left trembling and alone.

-

He was left alone for days, and each passing minute his heart felt like it melted just a little more into his ribs. He was still resolutely sealed from the Force. The Force was too comfortable, too irrevocably connected to Rey in his mind. He could feel the self-sabotage that had overtaken him but the inertia of it felt like something he couldn’t stop.

Ben spent his time tossing and turning, punching and pacing. He felt like a caged animal. No one came to him for days. He almost longed for the maddening chides of Luke’s Force ghost, but even in his masochism he wouldn’t wish that awful man upon himself.

He thought back to the momentary bliss and harmony he had felt alone, with Rey, in the Naboo wilderness. It hurt to remember his joy.

He felt his resolve waning.

One night, when he was tired and desolate, he couldn’t resist any longer. He allowed a crack in his defenses, and the Force came pouring in like a roaring wave.

He couldn’t help himself. Immediately he reached out for her.

He felt utter relief as the minimal sound in the room drained away, and all he could hear was the eerie echo of Rey’s breath.

“Ben.” She was right beside him on his small cot. He could feel her breath.

“Rey.” It had been too long since he had said her name. The word almost hurt as it vibrated in its familiar, soothing resonance against the strained strands of his throat.

He didn’t want to reach out to her, but his hands moved towards her shoulders anyway. He traced along her arm, settled on her waist, and she leaned back into his chest. He pulled her closer.

“Don’t do it ever again,” she commanded in a whisper. He knew she was referring to the bond--she didn’t have to call it by name. He could hear the pain in her voice--the relief. “It hurts  too much.”

“I know it does,” he said into her hair. “But it hurt more to see you.”

“Like hell it did,” she tried to quip, but it came out like a choked sob.

He thought about fighting. He was still hurt. He still wasn’t sure he could trust her. But he knew that her biting words were true. “You’re right,” he admitted. “This is much better.” Their bodies were already fitted together, but he squeezed his arms tighter around her.

“I know,” was all she said. They fell asleep like that. Finally he was able to sleep that night.

It happened like that every night for awhile. They didn’t really talk, didn’t forgive, didn’t breach any of the distance that they’d created between each other. But they still slept in each other’s arms with the mutual knowledge that it couldn’t happen any other way.

“Do they know?” he asked one night.

“Know what?” she asked.

“About this? That you can see me anyway? Regardless of their precautions.”

“Only Finn and Rose. They haven’t told anyone.”

“Hm.”

“What?” she asked, accusing

“You can’t give this up, can you?”

“No I cannot, you dolt. I thought that was clear when I told you I loved you.”

He was silent for a long while. Some part of him didn’t want to let go of his feeling of betrayal, but it was becoming harder each day. He snaked his arm around her and his wide palm settled on her abdomen. Despite his hope, her use of the past tense cut him to the bone. “I still mean it,” he breathed into her ear. But she didn’t respond. Rey had already drifted into unconsciousness.

-

He didn’t try to close himself off from the Force, or the bond, ever again. But despite his open heart, it seemed like the very Force was punishing him. He had spent night after night with Rey falling asleep in his arms, but suddenly, the connections stopped. He reached and reached, but Rey didn’t appear to him. He grew restless and angry at first, but soon he just felt utterly exhausted. Despair crept back into him like a noxious gas, invisible and undetectable until it was already killing him from the inside out.

He had no respite from the ebb and flow of his own torment.

Until one night, well after the sun had gone down--it must have been the middle of the night--a desperate, hurried pounding knocked upon his cell door. He was torn out of a restless, shallow sleep and immediately stood upright, defensively.

His door opened with a sweep of the Force that crashed into him, and Rey rushed into his room. Her Force signature was overwhelming; he could hardly breathe.

“What are you doing here?” were the only words he could say despite the torrent of questions that spun and buzzed through his mind.

“There’s no time to explain. I had to see you.” She was breathing hard and sounded panicked. He had grown too distant from her to be attuned to precisely what she was feeling.

“What’s going on, Rey?” he asked, trying to reach for her shoulders, to steady her. But she stepped away from him, out of his reach.

“I’m leaving. Leia’s sending me on a mission to find Force sensitives.”

“You’re leaving?

  
“I had to see you before I left. No one knows I’m here.” The air was thick and heavy between  them. He wanted to pull her close, to press his lips against her until he could no longer think. But neither of them moved.

“Where are you going?”

“Yavin 4.”

“Will it be dangerous?” His voice felt distant. The blood in his ears was louder.

“Yes,” she said on a sigh.

His jaw rolled and clenched. A heavy moment of silence fell between them. His eyes kept falling to her lips, and hers to his. But both he and Rey forced themselves to remain still. “Don’t go.”

Rey flinched as the words hit her. “I have to.”

“Please,” he begged, hating the way his voice cracked.

She simply shook her head. “I won’t stay.”

He looked away. Before he could respond, she was walking out the door. The look on her face haunted him, and he spent weeks cursing himself for not reaching out to her. He wanted to run to her, to pull her flush against him and tear through her tunic, ravage her body and expunge all of his pain and desperation and longing. But he let her go. It felt like his skin had been flayed the moment the door closed.

But the moonlight caught something shiny that lay on the ground by the cell entrance. He knelt to the ground and pawed in the dark. It was a key.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all. Please let me know what you think, dears! I love hearing every thought! Many kisses and hugs. <3 I am so excited to share with you what is to come! :)


	20. Reconnect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is a woman with a mission.

Rey gazed out the viewport as her small starcruiser descended onto Yavin 4. The moon was thick with forests, and she was reminded of Takodana as her ship now landed in a somewhat crowded port in the Massassi Valley. The colors here were strange and vibrant; there were trees with purple bark and plants that emanated an enchanting glow. For a moment, something felt warm inside her at the very novelty of novelty itself. There was so much to discover. After a lifetime of monotony and the bleak, harsh routine of Jakku, the realization that there was so much _new_ to encounter, so many unfamiliar things to experience, gave her a feeling of hope that lightened her heavy heart.

Rey hadn’t wanted to leave. The Force bond was so silent in recent weeks; she was afraid of how her body would react to such distance between herself and Ben. It was almost frightening, the way the movements of the Force produced such a physical reaction. Ever since Ben was thrown in that cell, she had felt utterly exhausted. Depleted. Even Rose had commented with concern. Rey was angry and confused; the Resistance wouldn’t let her visit him, and now there was a barrier in the Force between them. It didn’t hurt in the way that it had when Ben closed himself off  from the Force. That was like something vital had been viciously, cruelly excised from her. This was different--this was like a dull, throbbing ache that lingered. A tiny voice in the back of her head blamed herself. Ever since Poe kissed her, she’d been portioning off a corner of her mind, segmenting it and blocking it so that Ben wouldn’t see. The more she tried to guard that image, the louder it grew in her mind. For some reason, the pilot riled Ben in a way that frightened her, and she didn’t want to see or feel his reaction to that brief flicker of _giving in_ . She had no idea if that’s how this worked. Maybe the Force was punishing her somehow. Or maybe something was at play that she could never understand. But something about blaming herself felt comfortable and familiar despite its pain, so she leaned into the guilt. As she flew further and further from Naboo, from Ben, something inside Rey felt like it was loose and jostling, like a screw that was about to fall out of place. That _out-of-place_ feeling scratched and nettled and ripped away at the skin of her heart. But Rey kept pushing.

She had wanted to take the _Falcon_ , just to feel close to the people she loved--to Finn, to Han, to Leia and Luke, Chewie and Ben. The memories lived on the walls of that ship, and it made her feel safe. But Leia wouldn’t allow it. _You sentimental thing_ , she’d said to Rey. Too battered. Too recognizable. Too hated by hosts of unsavory people on account of Han’s swindling. _We’ve got the resources now. Take something inconspicuous that flies easy_.

So Rey listened. She was getting much better at that--listening. But the Resistance wasn’t making it easy. She believed in the cause, but she was met with such friction from some of the members. They were afraid of her, she realized--perhaps even repulsed by her association with Ben. With Kylo Ren. Anytime she mentioned the man, she was somehow made to feel both small and dangerous. She just wanted them to see his potential, to see all the good he could do, and how much he’d changed. But then, he was likely responsible for the deaths of people they loved, so she could understand their hesitations. She fought to see things from their perspective, but their rigidity when it came to Ben’s punishment… it made it hard to settle in. She felt like she was once again navigating the unforgiving terrain of Jakku--one wrong step and she’d be swallowed by a sinkhole.

She thought back to the night she’d received this mission.

 _I don’t want to send you away_ , Leia had said, _not when we just got you back_. Rey felt the depth of Leia’s care behind her words, behind her gentle caresses. Leia didn’t pry, but she knew something profound had transpired between Rey and Ben. In the time that the two women had known each other, Rey had become a sort of nexus, the connective tissue to all that Leia held dear: first Han, then Luke, and now Ben. She and the general were more united than ever despite the shaky environment in the Resistance. But neither of them could forget Luke’s sacrifice. He died with faith in the future of the Jedi, and right now, Rey was the only person who could follow his purpose.

Well. Not the only. _I need Ben,_ she had told the small council of Resistance members. _If he came, I’d be able to find twice as many Force-sensitives_.

Captain Flora had scoffed and boiled. _So what? He can steal them away and corrupt them just as he did Luke’s padawans?_

Rey hardly managed to bite back the furious retort that burst in her mind. _Fine_ , she had said with a snarl. She shook her head and stormed away.

It had been mad impulse that made her whisk that key away from the command room, that made her drop it in his cell. Did she want him to use it? she wondered. Or did she just want him to trust her? She had no idea what would come of it, but she didn’t regret it.

Rey shook herself back to the present, stepped out of her ship, and breathed in the air of Yavin 4. It was warm and muggy, but somehow still fresh and invigorating. She fought against her distracted, troubled mind to remember her purpose. She was to find as many Force-sensitive people as she could. She would guide them and train them. This was her calling, her mission; this was how she would help spread peace and justice in the galaxy. There was a strange sense of destiny that pounded in her chest, and she felt emboldened and strong.

She closed her eyes and reached out in the Force, casting a wide net, searching for where it bunched and gathered. Then she felt it. A pulse. The Force touched everyone to some degree, but there was a small life form not far off that the Force oscillated in and through more intensely. Rey followed that pulse, letting the Force coax and guide her. She approached a marketplace and was struggling to pinpoint whom it was that she sensed. The closer she got, the louder the being’s Force signature became. She sensed fear and pain, but despite that, hope: the Light was strong and radiant, but there were little rivulets of darkness that threw shadows. Rey’s eyes darted around the area, searching the faces and begging that the Force would allow some shred of recognition.

And then it came. Her eyes landed on a small child--a young human that looked like she could’ve been Rose’s little sister. She couldn’t have been more than twelve years old. She was crouched and leaning against a barrel that was twice her size.

Rey approached the little girl and made herself as unimposing as possible. The girl’s eyes snapped up to her cautiously, defensively.

“Hello,” Rey said softly.

“Hi,” the girl replied in a small, scratchy voice, as if she wasn’t much used to talking. She was filthy--hair matted, clothes tattered, face covered in dirt.

“Where are your parents?” asked Rey, holding her breath, already knowing the answer.

“Haven’t got any.”

The words struck a chord. Rey crouched beside the girl, and she immediately tensed and shrunk further against the barrel. “I’m not going to hurt you,” Rey assured her. How could she make her feel safe? She tried to think back to her own childhood--to the strangers that would either ignore her or accost her. She’d always had a sense of who was dangerous; perhaps this girl had the same instincts. Rey had always thought she’d learned it from observation, but she was beginning to realize that maybe it was the Force that had given her this keen intuition of people’s nature, their intentions. She relied on the hope that this girl was the same. “I haven’t got any either,” Rey tried. “My name’s Rey.”

The girl looked up warily, studying Rey’s face, scrutinizing her eyes, her mouth, and her form. Her fierce little expression finally settled on something like cautious trust. “I’m Taia.”

Rey smiled and felt her cheeks dimple. “That’s a lovely name.”

The corner of Taia’s mouth lifted for a brief flicker, but then her face again hardened. “Why are you talking to me?”

“Taia, have you ever heard of the Jedi?” Rey’s voice was soft, but she didn’t whisper. She cringed as she remembered the kind of people who told _secrets_ , whose silky voices promised good things, and always somehow led to plummeting disappointment and cruel blows. No, people who whispered to lonely little girls were always the worst kind.

Taia’s eyes lit up, and Rey could see how she fought to conceal her interest. “They’re not real,” she said in a weak, deflated voice that somehow still held a sliver of hope.

Rey lifted an eyebrow as if in a challenge. She looked around, making sure no one was watching, then she raised her hand, causing a small flurry of dirt to spin up from the ground beside them. Rey made the particles dance and swirl, and finally let them fall into her hand. Taia’s mouth fell open, and the girl quickly placed her hand over it to stifle an excited shriek.

“You’re a Jedi?” she whispered in an exasperated, astonished voice.

Rey gave the slightest nod, and she was unable to contain her smile. “And you will be too. If you want.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’ve always been good at things, haven’t you? In your own way--finding food, avoiding dangerous places and people. Light on your feet and unnoticed when you want to be. Am I right?”

Taia bit her lip and nodded.

“The Force is strong in you--I sensed it all the way from the docking ports.”

The girl’s face was now serious and solemn. “Don’t be cruel,” she said accusingly.

“I swear it. And even now, you know I’m right.”

Taia was silent.

“So what do you say, Taia? Do you want to be a Jedi?” Rey’s head was swirling and rushing. She wanted so badly for the girl to say yes—not just so she could train her and fulfill her purpose, but because she felt the crushing weight of loneliness on shoulders that were much too slight, saw it in eyes that were far too sad and streetwise to belong to one so young.

Those eyes were now wide and watery. “More than anything,” Taia whispered back.

Rey felt crushing relief. “Then come with me.” Taia hesitated for a moment, then took Rey’s extended hand with gusto, and the two hurried back to the ship.

-

Ben knelt on the ground for a long time. His finger ran over the cool metal of the key, each divot and ridge pressing into his skin and reminding him that it was real. He half expected it to disappear, just like Han’s dice had. But it remained.

Ben clutched the key and rose. He approached the door, and it slid effortlessly into the lock. He stood there, beside the cell door, for what felt like ages. He felt the Force pulsing around him. The air was heavy and thick. This moment felt pivotal somehow, as if his actions now would cast ripples out into the entire galaxy. He thought of what would happen if he turned this key--he would burst out the door, destroy whatever droids or guards aided his captivity, and then flee as fast and far as he could. It would be so easy. So simple.

So wrong.

He knew with weighty, monumental certainty that he couldn’t do it. This was some kind of test--perhaps not from Rey. It felt as if fate itself was testing him, and he refused to fail.

In one fluid motion, Ben removed the key from the lock, tucked it into his waistband, and returned to his cot in the corner.

-

Rey and Taia remained aboard the ship for lodging. Leia had told her that the Resistance had credits to spare, so they could have stayed somewhere nicer, but Rey felt far more comfortable just sleeping somewhere she knew. Taia didn’t complain; she was tucked away in a small cot at the back of the vessel, fast asleep. But Rey was restless. She sank to the ground, crossed her legs, and centered herself.

She took deep breaths, calling awareness to the Force around her. But she wasn’t finding peace. She felt Taia in the Force and felt the same oscillations she had felt at the marketplace. Taia burned so brightly, but there was a stroke of darkness that was there nonetheless. It made her think of Ben, who had that same tension in him. She wished he was here; he would know what she needed.

As if her thoughts summoned him, Rey felt the bond pulse for the first time in weeks. It roared to life, and that biting pressure that ached in her chest suddenly found release.

He was sitting on his cot, she knew. It was with both relief and disappointment that she realized he hadn’t used the key. She was still seated on the floor, and the distance between them felt like a tangible, living thing. Ben’s face was drawn, and the beginnings of a beard had settled across his chin and jaw. How hadn’t she noticed that when she’d visited him in the night? The two of them said nothing for a long time, but their eyes were having a conversation of their own. His chest visibly rose and fell with his short breaths, and she noticed the way his eyes scanned her up and down, as if he was trying to take in every last detail, drink in what he had been denied for so long.

“You’re okay,” he commented with a sigh.

“I am.” Her eyes were burning.

“Has your mission proven successful?” Ben’s voice was light and inquisitive, but he couldn’t mask the way it shook.

“I found someone today. She reminds me of me. And you.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “She must be a handful.”

“She’s lovely. I want you to help train her.”

His jaw clenched. “Good luck negotiating that.”

He was being sarcastic, but something in her roared. “I’ve done _everything_ I can, Ben. Hardly anyone trusts me anymore, and now you… Do you blame me for this?” She finally the voiced the nagging fear that had plagued her since the second they stepped into the Resistance Base.

Ben paused for a long while. He rose from his mattress and drew close to her, settling beside her on the ground. “I tried to,” he rasped and shook his head. “I wanted to. But I don’t.” He leaned over, his long hair grazing Rey’s bare shoulder, and hovered near her mouth. Their breath began to mingle, and Rey suddenly felt intoxicated by the nearness of him. Her stomach twisted, and every inch of her body screamed at her to breach the minuscule distance between them.

So she listened.

Their lips met with a caution that had never existed between them: it was slow, hesitant, and agonizing, but within seconds their skin ignited with familiarity and it became something searching and demanding. She grabbed a fistful of his hair and he snaked his arm around her waist.

It had been months since they’d done anything more than hold one another, and she was just now realizing how much restraint that had truly required. Now, every movement was concentrated and insistent, as if they were making up for lost time.

But just as their kiss was turning into something calmer and deeper, Taia shifted on her bed. Instantly Rey extricated herself from Ben; she had completely forgotten that the little girl was still in the room, and Rey’s cheeks flamed red. She breathed heavily and peeked over to Taia’s cot. _Thank the maker_ , she thought--the little girl was still sound asleep.

She looked back to Ben, who ran his hands along his scruffy chin. They locked eyes one last time, but he disappeared before either of them could say another word.

The empty space beside her swept into her stomach like the cut of a knife.

-

For a number of weeks, Rey skirted around the Massassi Valley seeking out individuals who were strong in the Force, asking them to come train with her. All this time, the Bond remained stagnant. She thrust herself into her mission, trying to keep her mind from her inner turmoil. Not every outing was successful. In most cases the parents wouldn’t let go of their children, children were afraid or disbelieving, or circumstances simply wouldn’t allow it. She always offered a place in the Resistance for the entire family, when there was a family to speak of, but often they were unwilling to uproot their entire lives at the insistence of some strange pseudo-Jedi. Despite these failures, Rey was starting to amass quite the crowd on her ship. It was beginning to teem with Force-sensitives from all kinds of backgrounds and species. But Rey always maintained a special bond with Taia; the girl was so much like herself, and she was her very first recruit. She was essentially attached to Rey at the hip.

The ship soon became too full, and Rey had to make a trip back to Naboo. She only stayed for the day and helped them all settle in--the individuals she’d found and whatever family members wanted to come with. Leia had been thrilled with Rey’s success, and even more thrilled that she’d come back in one piece. She was hesitant to send her back out, but Rey’s momentum was too great to stop. Taia had begged Rey not to leave her there—to bring her with so she could help Rey find more Jedi. But it was too dangerous. Rey left her in the care of Rose and Finn, and the three became fast friends.

She was stuffing supplies into her bag, just about to leave the Base, but Poe stopped her.  

“Rey, can we talk?” They hadn’t spoken outside of military matters since their tense moment in Rey’s room weeks before.

“Yes, Commander?” she asked, keeping a professional distance between them.

The formality seemed to strike him. “I’m sorry for acting like a pig, Rey. I hate how things are with us.”

She stopped whatever hurried preparations she was doing. “You haven’t been a pig,” she said, forcing her face into something calm, then her eyes turned as sharp as daggers. “You’ve been a kriffing _ass_.”

“Okay, okay,” he raised his hands in surrender. “I have. I’ve been a total ass. I’m sorry.”

Rey exhaled. “I forgive you. Poe, I’m sorry if I misled you in any way, but I just want to be friends. I want to make that clear.”

“Understood. Of course. Absolutely.” She knew he was sincere. And she also knew that he wasn’t used to rejection. “I shouldn’t have even tried. It’s just… Are you involved with him? With Kylo Ren?”

She shot a silencing look at him. “That is not your business, Commander.”

“Right,” he nodded, chastened. “You’re right. There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. You’re going back to Yavin 4, right?”

“I am.”

“I’ve actually wanted to talk to you about this for awhile… I hated being on bad terms with you, Rey. Anyway, I was actually born and raised there.”

She stood up straighter. “You were?” She had never really imagined the pilot as a child--she just assumed he had always been the suave commander she had known.

  
“I was. When I was a boy, my parents had a tree. It was a relic of this ancient Jedi tree; Skywalker actually gave it to them. Just a twig then. And I almost destroyed it. My dad made me take care of it--get it back to health. I just thought… it’s a really spiritual tree. You might want to see it.” Whatever baggage was attached to that tree, that place, it weighed heavily on him. His face was downcast but nostalgic and hopeful.

She met his eyes sincerely. “Thank you, Poe. I would love to.”

He smiled one of his bright, glittering grins and told her how to find it. Then he patted her on the shoulder. “I’ll see you soon, Rey. Take care.”

She returned his smile. Things finally felt light between them again. “I will.” He gave her a half-salute, half-wave and walked off.

She rushed off to her ship and shot one guilty glance back to the estate. She hadn’t been able to see Ben. But there wasn’t time, and she wasn’t even sure she’d be able to sneak down to his cell unnoticed. She had to get back to her mission.

Rey forced herself to tear her eyes away and boarded her ship.

-

Ben sensed Rey the moment she set foot back on Naboo; her presence swung into him like a pendulum. He willed her to come to him with every fiber of his being, but then again, her will had always been stronger than his. He felt her departure just as keenly. But he didn’t hold it against her; he just wanted to see her.

The increase of Force users so near him made him uneasy--it brought him back to Luke’s Jedi Temple, some of the most tumultuous years of his life. But despite this swell of anxiety, this felt right somehow. With so many blank slates, he longed to leave his cell and work his muscles, to let the Force surge through him, to test and hone his powers. He must’ve been captive for months now, and his restlessness was beginning to be unbearable. He did what he could to exert himself, doing pushups and situps everyday until he could hardly breathe.

His routine of pacing and training and training and pacing was rarely interrupted. Occasionally Leia would come to visit him. There weren’t many safe topics for them to broach, so usually their conversations were light and simple. Leia kept him informed about the goings on with the Resistance and the galaxy at large. She would always remind him, without fail, that she was doing everything she could to get him out--that she saw the truth of his heart and the good he could do. And he believed her.

And he, without fail, would always ask about Rey.

“What happened with you two?” Leia asked during one of her visits after he inquired about her.

He was seated on his cot, and she was in a chair across from him. He barely rose his eyes. “It’s difficult to explain.”

“It’s complicated, huh? I know all about that.” He was uncomfortable with this conversation, but when Rey came up it was hard for him to think.

“I’m in love with her,” he admitted.

Leia smiled slightly and shook her head. It reminded him of Luke’s Force ghost, and Anakin’s. “That much is obvious.”

He was taken aback. “Obvious?”

She chuckled. “You killed your Master to save her life, chased her across the galaxy, ran away with her, and surrendered yourself to your greatest enemy, _for her_.” She laughed again, but her face grew somber. “I’m sorry for teaching you so little of love.”

Ben knit his eyebrows. “You’re right,” he said lowly. “But I did it for me too. For Dad,” he met her eyes and worried his lip. “For you.” The words shocked Leia, and her face lost any hint of levity.

She rose from her seat and pushed Ben’s hair out of his face. Her hand rested on his face for a long moment. That simple gesture said more than any word could have. She gave one last smile, then silently left the room.

Ben’s monotonous rhythm also found disruption through silent visits from Luke or Anakin. There wasn’t much left to say; the two men were often just present as stoic company, there so Ben wouldn’t be alone. He still harbored hatred for Luke, but he was beginning to take comfort in his uncle. Other times, the most cherished times in his isolation, he would catch a glimpse of Rey, but they were never connected for long enough to do much more than stare. Awareness of her presence would dawn, he would turn from the window--a brief meeting of eyes, and then she’d be darting and dashing, continuing whatever dangerous task she’d been doing. He wanted more, but each time their Bond engaged he would nearly fall over with relief. Seeing her alive was enough.

Once, weeks after Rey’s brief return to Naboo, their brief flickers of connection finally substantiated into something more. Rey was seated in a meditative pose, her eyes closed, and she was radiating peace.

Ben sat beside her and took her hand. She was startled at first--she hadn’t noticed the Bond. But her hand easily settled into his, and he was dragged into her surroundings. It was warm and light, and they sat before a tree.

“What’s this?” he asked with innocent curiosity.

“A tree grown from a branch of the Great Tree--”

“--that once grew at the heart of the Coruscanti Jedi Temple,” he finished for her when he realized precisely where she was. Rey smiled.

“You really know quite a lot, don’t you?” she teased.

“My teacher was an insufferable know-it-all,” he said lightly, referring to Luke.

“Mine too.” The two of them laughed, and he hoped Luke heard them. He leaned back, suddenly sleepy, and Rey followed suit.

Ben wasn’t sure when he drifted off, but he was suddenly torn awake by a scream. He sat up immediately, every nerve alert. He could only see his surroundings.

“Rey?” He looked around frantically. “Rey?” he shouted. Another scream sounded and echoed through their Bond. Panic surged through him.

“Help me! Ben, please help me!”

“Rey, where are you? What’s going on?”

Finally, her outline came into sight. She was contorted in a strange position on the ground, writhing, twisting with pain and terror. He’d only heard cries like that from her once before, when Snoke was torturing her, and they kept on tearing and tearing from her.

He flew to her side and fell to his knees. He had no idea what to do, what he could do. He couldn’t affect her surroundings, didn’t even know the limits of their Bond. He put his hand on her arm, trying to ascertain where they were, but it was pitch dark and cramped.

“Rey, please--breathe. Tell me what’s happened.”

“I can’t see,” she managed in a quaking voice.

Ben’s chest seized with fear; he could hardly think, and his own vision began to become spotty. “How did you get here?”

“I woke up to a noise in the night. Some bounty hunter found me, chased me, I ran and ran and ran.” Her breaths were coming in heavy but she gradually found her voice. “I found a tiny little opening to this cavern--” she bit back another cry. “I was going to crawl in and hide but before I could the bastard shot me with some weapon. I’m trapped; I’m stuck. I can’t feel my legs or arms, and I can’t see--” he felt her panic beginning to rise again.

“Shhh, Rey,” he said soothingly, but his own heart was seizing, his hands trembling. But he injected his voice with as much raw conviction as he possibly could, putting his entire mind, his entire body into the words. “I’m coming for you. I will find you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL I thought about cutting this chapter off so many times but I just really wanted to get you guys to this leg of the story! I couldn't stoppppp. SO MUCH IS COMING, MY DUDES. Sorry for the cliffhanger, but the next chapter is underway. Let me know what you think, loves!


	21. Salvage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For once in her life, Rey needs rescuing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for Emetophobia. It is just a brief mention, but if you have a sensitivity to that I don't want you to be blindsided.

Ben ran to the door and pounded on it hysterically, shouting for someone, anyone. He screamed until his throat was raw, but still no one came.

“Fuck it,” he cursed, then pulled the key from his waistband, which he had kept there all this time. A talisman of Rey’s trust in him. Of choosing redemption. He fumbled with the lock then went darting into the hallway. He hadn’t used his legs so much in a long time, so he nearly toppled over with his first panicked strides, but he recovered in a heartbeat. The scene played out just like it had in his head. With a sweep of his arm he threw back the droids that were guarding the hallways. They fired at him immediately, but he stopped every bolt in its path; then flung the firepower back at the hunks of metal, effectively taking them out. The machines sputtered and whirred pathetically on the ground. That’s when the alarms started. They were deafening, and feet started pounding through the hallways. People in orange began pouring in, but he couldn’t be stopped. He threw them aside with a guttural roar and charged down the hallway. He needed to find Leia, Rose, Finn—anyone.

“Stop!” a man shrieked as Ben rounded the corner, but he easily pummeled the guard to the ground with the Force.

Ben was tearing and thrashing through anyone who crossed his path. All he could think of—all he could see—was Rey, writhing and trapped. He lunged and parried, blocked and assaulted. Soon he was out of the corridor and scrambling up the stairs to the main hall.

“Rose!” he shouted, praying to the Force that she would hear him. He had no idea where to go, no familiarity with the layout of the base. Where did anyone sleep? “Finn! Help!”

He turned around anxiously, and once again Rey appeared, lying still in that same position. “Ben, what’s happening?” she begged.

“I’ll be there, Rey. Don’t worry, we’ll get you out of there.” His eyes would have belied his true panic had she been able to see, but his voice teemed with false assurance. She grimaced and groaned.

Rey disappeared as quickly as she had come, and he screamed, feeling entirely unhinged. He ran up the first staircase he found--it wound and wound, and there were people stirring as the alarms sounded throughout the estate. A pair of sure-footed steps tapped down the stairs as he raced up them, and he almost crashed headlong into Rose.

“Rose!” he practically shouted, grabbing her arm and pulling her into an alcove.

“What the hell are you doing out of your cell?” She yanked her arm out of his grip.

“It’s Rey,” he stammered in a rushed, hurried slur. “She’s hurt and in danger; we have to save her. I can find her.”

“Slow down, Ben,” Rose urged calmly. Though it was a passing moment, she was the first person from the Resistance to call him Ben, apart from Leia and Rey. It emboldened him.

“Rose, I know you know about our Bond, mine and Rey’s. She’s badly injured, essentially blind and paralyzed, trapped in a cavern on Yavin 4.” He barely took time to breathe.

“What?” she gasped. “How?”

“Someone in the First Order must have put a bounty on her head. It doesn’t matter how she got there; she’s there, she needs our help. Please, help me find her.”

More people rushed down the staircase. They cruised right past him and Rose, not even glancing at them in their hurry to protect and defend the Resistance from whatever unknown threat that roused them at this late hour. Communicators crackled, and he heard murmurs of “prisoner” and “escape.”

“You’re sure you can find her?” Rose asked, her face tight with worry.

“Positive.”

In that moment, Finn almost crashed into Rose, stopping on his heels behind her. Poe followed shortly after, and both men were immediately blazing as they realized whom Rose was talking to.

“How did you get out of your cell?” Finn spat, low and accusing.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Rose, coming to his defense. “Rey’s in trouble. We have to do something. Now.”

  
Finn’s face matched the panic of both Ben and Rose. “And Kylo’s the only person who can help,” he said with certainty, suddenly jumping on board. “Where’s the general?” The two Resistance fighters looked to Poe.

“Possibly still in her chambers,” Poe ventured, and though he looked wary, he too was buying into whatever plan was forming now that he knew Rey was in trouble.

“No,” said Ben, “I can feel her. She’s outside.”

“I forget that freaky stuff you two can do,” said Finn, clearly unused to his and Rey’s abilities with the Force.

“Follow me,” Ben said, and the four of them ignored the panicked energy of the Resistance around them. Ben thanked the Maker that they were all too frantic to notice him with the three Resistance golden children. Finn, Poe, Rose, and Ben raced through the building, all of them following Ben’s instincts. They wound up in the grassy field directly outside the mansion, and sure enough, Leia was there, staring at the sky. If he would have been calmer, less frenzied with panic, he might have seen the faint glimmer of blue from Luke’s Force ghost dissipate.

“Mom!” Ben shouted in a terrified tone that sounded awfully like a beg.

Leia whipped around to face them. Her face blanched. “Ben?” Her eyes then scanned the rest of the group. “What the hell is going on?”

“We need a ship. Now.” Ben’s heartbeat was erratic, his breathing frantic. He couldn’t think clearly.

“Rey’s in trouble, General,” Rose said evenly but assertively. “Ben had a vision of her trapped, blinded, and paralyzed. We need to get to her as soon as possible.”

“They didn’t shoot to kill,” Ben added in a rush, “which means they intend to take her alive. The longer we wait, the more likely they are to abduct her.”

Leia’s face was so white that she looked ill, but she maintained her composure. She nodded resolutely. “Take the Falcon--no one will miss the thing.”

“You’re sure, Leia?” Poe asked.

“You’re really gonna be the voice of caution here?” Finn said impatiently.

“Look, I would give my life to save Rey, but Leia’s gonna take the heat for letting Kylo Ren get away on a Resistance ship. Does he have to come?”

“He’s the _only way_ we’ll find her,” Rose snapped.

“There’s no way in hell I’m staying back,” Ben managed through his heaving breaths.

“Enough arguing,” Leia cut in firmly. “Poe, thank you for your concern, but I’ll sort everything out with the rest of the Resistance. I’m the damn General, and I call the shots. It’s time I stopped pussyfooting around public opinion. Take the ship and save our girl.”

Poe gave a silent nod. There was a brief moment of stillness before the four of them sprung into action. They sprinted to the Millennium Falcon and hurriedly prepared the ship for travel. Ben locked eyes with Poe for one tense instant, but then he gestured to the pilot seat.

“You’ll get us there faster,” Ben urged, inviting Poe to take the lead. Poe blinked once, then slid into the seat. Ben moved toward the co-pilot chair, but Rose skirted in front of him.

“Uh-uh, nope, not today,” she said, taking the seat herself. “You’re way too freaked out to fly right now.” Finn nodded his agreement, crouching on the ground beside Rose.

Ben was about to argue, but he immediately realized that she was right. He could hardly focus on anything save Rey’s cries that still echoed through his mind. He started pacing around the cockpit, unable to get the image of Rey in pain out of his head. He would’ve slaughtered anyone who so much as laid a finger on her, cut his way through armies just to make her safe, but at present he felt entirely helpless. He vowed to find that bounty hunter and tear the fiend apart, to eviscerate whoever dared put a hit on Rey. But for now, all he could do was fight to stay conscious through his shortened breaths and walk frantically around the ship.

He thought that being in the Falcon would make things worse, but, to his shock, it was strangely comforting. Since he had begun to peel back the layers of dirt and scum that had built around his heart, facing the past wasn’t as hard. He felt raw and vulnerable, but strong.

But whatever comfort the ship provided was overwhelmed by the ceaseless waves of fear, rage, and desperation that pounded and crashed. He couldn’t lose Rey--wouldn’t. She was suffering and alone, scared and trapped. He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the strands. He wanted to rip those feelings out of Rey, wrap her up and never let them touch her again.

A cough from the cockpit tore him from this new surge of panic.

“Hey, man, uh--could you stop?” Finn said hesitantly.

Ben halted instantly. His eyes singed at Finn, though he hardly heard the man’s words.

“You’re kinda making us nervous,” Finn tried again.

Ben’s hand twitched, then shook. He turned on his heel and slammed that same fist into a wall. Everyone in the cockpit flinched.

Finn rose from the ground and cautiously approached Ben. “Hey--we’re gonna find her. All of us love Rey; we’re not gonna let her down.”

Was Finn _comforting_ him? Ben took deep breaths and looked at the faces of the others. Each one looked fiercely determined, but there was something uneasy about their expressions. Ben subtly reached out in the Force to read their emotions. _Shock_ , he registered _. Disbelief._

But then his thoughts went back to Rey, and his eyes flew to the ground. He half expected her to suddenly appear there.

“How do you know that?” Ben finally responded, hating the thick insecurity muddying his voice.

Finn squinted curiously. “So it’s true?”

Ben lifted his eyes, meeting Finn’s gaze through his thick, tangled sheets of hair. “What’s true?”

“You really care for Rey?” His tone was one of amused, baffled curiosity. “Like--really.”

A slight snarl formed on Ben’s face. “Of _course_ I do.”

Finn nodded, bit his lip. “Alright. But you need to reign all of… _this_ in,” he said, gesturing to Ben’s general stature. “Your--turmoil or whatever. It’s not gonna help Rey. You won’t be able to help if you’re unhinged.”

“I’m not unhinged!” Ben shot back at him, blood boiling.

“Very convincing,” Rose called over her shoulder.

“How about we go sit down?” Finn suggested. “You need to cool down.”

Ben looked at Finn skeptically; his nerves were still simmering. “Fine,” he finally seethed. “But I’d rather be alone.”

“Of course you would,” Finn replied with a slight laugh.

Ben merely glared, then stalked off.

-

Poe firmly gripped the steering controls of the Falcon, leaning back in his seat and searching for calm.

“Kriff, that one’s strung tight,” Rose commented, breaking the silence after Ben left the room.

“You never had to clean up his messes,” Finn said with a huff, rolling his eyes. “He’s got a temper. At least he takes it out on the machinery.”

“I can’t believe how he’s reacting.” Rose’s face was puzzled but intrigued. “I knew he had a thing for Rey, but this… I don’t know. It’s intense.”

Poe clenched his jaw. “The man’s wrecked,” he said lowly. “Shit, if I knew _that’s_ what I was competing with… I never would’ve tried.”

“You’re lucky he hasn’t killed you,” Finn joked, but Poe could tell he was partially serious.

“It’s not like he hasn’t already tried,” he said lightheartedly. “The man’s like a damn animal right now.”

“Are you serious?” Rose interjected. “I know that he was a horrible person and everything, but he honestly seems pretty soft. The way he pouts when he talks about Rey!” She giggled.

“Rose, I know you may think this is all romantic, but the man’s a murderer. Finn saw him murder his father right before his eyes. I was personally tortured by him.” Poe kept his voice low, but his anger was rising. “He still makes my skin crawl, and the thought of him touching Rey makes me sick. But apparently she’s into it. And that’s her business; I’m done judging her. But don’t let your guard down around him for a second.”

“I’m not stupid,” Rose fired back at him, annoyed. “I know what he’s done. But if you don’t think love can transform someone then, frankly, you’re blind. Did you see that man? Did you? He’s a mess, yes, but he is _torn apart_ over Rey in danger-- _our_ Rey. Anyone who could love Rey like that must have some good in him.”

Poe flinched at her words. “So you really think he loves her?”

“He seems to be a pretty all-or-nothing kind of guy,” Rose said pensively, twisting her mouth.

“He’s all in, buddy,” Finn added. “And you might not realize this because things have been weird with you two… but it seems like Rey is too. Doesn’t mean you have to like it, but lying to yourself won’t do any good.”

Poe chewed on those words for a while. “What the hell does the Force have planned with this? I mean, I get it. We can’t always understand. But really?”

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”

Poe stared back out into space. As much as he hated Kylo Ren, he couldn’t deny that the bastard was serious. Grudgingly, as he fussed with the controls of the Falcon, Kylo Ren earned a sliver of respect in Poe’s esteem.

-

Ben drifted aimlessly through the Falcon. He let the memories seep into his skin, not allowing them to add to his anxiety. Finally he settled on a lounge chair near the tunnels he used to climb in as a kid, and he forced his breathing to still.

Just as his mind was beginning to calm, he heard a shuffling beneath the floorboards. Caution roared through him, but he immediately brushed it off. Surely it was some rogue porg that had made its home in this accursed ship. But something about it sounded different.

He peered through the grate and saw a slight figure crawling in the small space. Abruptly, he tore the cover off from the compartment and was absolutely baffled to find a young girl stowed away in the place that was once his favorite hiding spot.

“Who the hell are you?” he demanded, but he made sure to keep his voice harmless and unthreatening.

“I’m Taia,” the little girl said. She was skinny and tan with black hair, weathered beyond reason for her age. “I’m a Jedi.”

“Ahh,” he said with realization. “One of Rey’s acolytes.” The one she’d told him about.

“I guess so,” she said dejectedly. “She hasn’t taught me much of anything yet.”

“She will,” Ben assured gently. “She’ll be an excellent teacher.” Taia eyed him warily, her gaze amplified by the Force as she took him in, searching him for any malintent. Eventually her posture eased, and her face became less guarded.

“I didn’t want her to go back,” Taia admitted.

“I didn’t want her to leave either.” Saying the words made his gut twist.

  
“So you know Rey, too?” she asked casually, but curiosity and awe welled and spilled over.

“You could say that.” He smiled, and Taia squinted her eyes at him. “My name’s Ben. Ben Solo.” He extended his hand, and Taia gave it a firm shake. When their skin met, her Force signature swam into his consciousness. Anger and fear and loneliness and hope and delight and innocence. Light tinged with dark. Was that what Rey had meant when she told him Taia reminded her of him? He didn’t change his demeanor, keeping his voice soft and light, but real. This girl didn’t want to be coddled, he knew instinctively. “So, Taia, what are you doing here? You really shouldn’t be on this ship, you know.”

“I wanted to help,” she said in a small whimper that was fierce nonetheless.

“It was very foolish of you to come,” he said honestly and evenly. She looked immediately crestfallen. “But it was also very brave. I, myself, am currently terrified.”

“You? Scared?”

He nodded. “Rey’s in trouble, and I care about her.”

Taia looked at him warily. “You can’t be afraid though. You’re a grown-up. How are you supposed to save Rey if you’re scared?”

“Fear isn’t always bad,” he said, feeling the importance of the moment, refusing to let his own panic ruin what felt like a vital conversation. “Fear is what drove me here. Fear for Rey. But you know what really gets me in trouble?”

“What?” She was rapt, hanging on his words like someone clinging to the edge of a cliff.

“When I let my fear control me. It gets ugly. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

She nodded.

“I think Rey would be very upset if she knew you put yourself in this kind of danger.”

Taia’s face fell. “She doesn’t want me here.”

Ben clucked his tongue. “That’s not true,” he said. “Absolutely stupid, actually. She wants you to be safe because she cares about you. That’s why she wants you on Naboo. Because it’s safe there. She’s got a real tender spot for you; she told me herself.”

“You really mean it?” Taia looked at him cautiously, wide-eyed.

“I swear.”

The lone tear that had built in Taia’s eyes finally escaped.

“Taia,” Ben added. “You have to stay in this ship. Stay put, right here. When we get back, you can see Rey. But she would kill me herself if I let anything happen to you. You won’t let that happen, will you?”

“No! I won’t let her,” Taia said resolutely. “I’ll stay right here.”

“Right in that compartment, where you were before.”

She nodded rapidly and clambered back in. Ben exhaled in relief. Just as Taia secured the top of the compartment, the ship jostled and stilled.

They had landed.

-

 _Please_ , Rey screamed. Or did she? She wasn’t sure if the word actually escaped her throat. She was so disoriented, she was beginning to lose her grasp on what was real. All she could focus on was the _pain_ shooting through her legs, needling at her arms and her spine and every inch of her body. She was twisted like a screw, and rocks on either side of her pinned her in place. Whatever that damn bounty hunter had shot her with paralyzed her, and she couldn’t even summon the Force with her hands. She thanked the Maker that her mind still worked--that she was still conscious, that the Force allowed her to reach out to Ben. His eyes and his soothing voice were the only anchors she had; they kept her from spiraling headlong into hysteria.

She couldn’t quite get her breathing to slow down. But she was relieved to know that her ribs were still in tact, for there was no pain as the breath heaved into her lungs.

She still couldn’t see, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the shock of the blaster, or if it was just pitch dark outside. Just when panic started to rise in her again, she felt a tug somewhere deep inside her where her Force bond with Ben lived.

It was too dark to see him, but she could hear his breaths, feel his nearness resonating through the air around her.

“Rey,” he choked out. She could feel the way he grappled with his voice, battering and pummeling it into something calm. “We’re here at the tree. I need you to tell me exactly where you are. What do you remember?”

She tried to think but the effort made her head hurt. “I can’t see,” she whimpered for what felt like the thousandth time that night. She felt Ben’s frenzy rising, and she forced herself to focus. She dug deep, past the bounty hunter, past the Resistance, past Naboo and Ahch-To and D’Qar and Takodana. She dug all the way down to Jakku, until she struck the very floor of her heart. She latched onto that invincible core inside her. She gritted her teeth together and pulled, pulled like she was lugging a big haul out of a fallen Empire Star Destroyer. She ripped and stretched and tore, and then she shrieked, and this time she knew it was aloud. She felt like the starving child she would always be, clinging to life against all odds, choosing to rise another day.

She fought, used every inch of her might and _commanded_ her arm to move. It twitched. She threw all of her force into it, and it lurched up towards Ben, whom she knew was kneeling at her side. She clung to his arm before her own could fall, and he latched right back onto her. In an instant her memories flooded through her, through the veins in her limb right out her fingertips, into Ben’s own outstretched arm. She let him see what she saw as she ran for her life, as she fled from the faceless threat that chased after her. She felt him parsing through the string of images, mapping out a path that led directly to her new hellish home.

“Hold on, Rey. Hold tight. I’m coming.” He gripped her arm one last time, then let go and raced away.

She wasn’t sure how long it was--it could have been seconds, or it could’ve been hours, but soon she heard shouting above her.

“How are we gonna get to her?” she heard Finn’s voice bark.

“We have to be careful, we could hurt her worse just trying to get her out,” Poe added.

“Stand back,” Ben snapped.

Suddenly, she was being lifted through the narrow cavern. Her body was held in place in the air, like a petrified piece of wood, like the Force was keeping her in a safe cocoon as she ascended from the darkness. As the starlight began to trickle in, her eyesight gradually came back, and she slipped through the tiny opening. Ben caught her in his arms and released her from the Force. He cradled her tight to his chest and held her, sturdy but gentle, supporting her neck, gripping tightly under her legs. It brought about a strange sense memory, as if the sensation of him cradling her was familiar. It was the first contact they’d made in person in months--since they left the Naboo forest--and something inside her came loose. She leaned her head against his solid chest as he moved nimbly across the Yavin 4 landscape.

Though she felt safe, every cell in her body ached. Her arms and legs felt twisted and wrong, and all over she tingled and throbbed. She screwed her eyes closed as tight as they could be and groaned.

“We’re almost there,” Ben murmured to her.

She barely nodded in response, as much as her neck would allow.

Not long after, they were careening into the Falcon. She was glad to be back in the familiar ship--it felt like a home of sorts. Ben gently deposited her onto the bed in the captain’s quarters. She tried to curl her body but her limbs were still slightly unresponsive.

“Don’t move, Rey,” Rose directed. “You need to stay put. We’ll get you looked after as soon as we can; you just have to hang in there.”

“Okay,” Rey croaked. Her throat was raw from her screams.

A few minutes passed, and the aching didn’t cease. She knew Ben was still right beside her, hovering near. His breaths were deep and even, despite his exertion.

“I’m going to kill whoever did this to you,” he snarled, low and venomous.

She wanted to respond, to discourage him from whatever darkness clouded his thoughts. But her pain surged anew, and she suddenly felt faint. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” she said through a wave of nausea.

She heard Ben jump to action. He grabbed a waste basket just in the nick of time, and she retched into it. Immediately she felt a little better, but the pain still pounded throughout her.

“Let me help you,” Ben whispered. He dabbed a warm cloth around her mouth and brought a glass of water to her lips, helping her lift her head so she could swallow it down. She forced her eyes open and could hardly look at his face. It was so exposed and tender, his eyes swimming with relief and adoration. She almost wanted to close her eyes again, for looking at him like this hurt in an entirely different way. But she couldn’t tear herself from his gaze.

“Thank you.” Her voice shook.

He merely blinked and leaned closer. His face was so close, if she could lean at all, her nose would graze his own.

He brushed a thumb across her cheek.

“I must smell awful,” she joked, but her throat was still scratchy so the words squeaked and groaned like loose floor boards as they tumbled out.

“A little,” he said with the tiniest of smiles. One that made Rey’s skin shiver. “But you’re beautiful.” _Glowing_ , she heard through his fingerprint on her cheek, so reverently did he caress her.

The lightness immediately sobered between them. “Don’t say that.” Her heart twisted. She felt a nostalgia build in her, a bittersweet longing for something she couldn’t have

“Why not? I mean it”

“I hate when things are easy between us. It can never last.”

Ben’s face fell. “Yes it can,” he asserted gently, but she could hear the poisonous anger simmering underneath.

“I don’t want you back in that cell,” she admitted, hating the tears that welled in her eyes.

“So I won’t go back.”

“They’ll execute you.” The words fell from her mouth--a fear she’d been harboring since the moment they stepped into the command room all those weeks ago.

“They could try,” he said with a cocky laugh.

“Don’t you dare say that,” she said with a shove, but pain instantly shot through her arms and her shoulder blades.

Ben’s face twisted with concern and his hands hovered over her, searching for something to do, some way to help.

“I’m alright,” she said, but her jaw seized as she stifled a groan.

“Sure,” he said with forced levity.

“I am; I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will,” he said in that silky smooth voice of intimacy. “You always manage to survive, Scavenger.”

Her heart thumped with a yearning she couldn’t silence. “You’re damn right, Solo.”

He grinned, wide and true, and it felt like a balm in her burning lungs.

They sat like that for awhile, in peace that felt easy, but at the same time it was hard-won, carved out from the desperate effort of two souls whose winding, twisting grooves fit just right.

Their blissful trance was interrupted by motion just outside the room. A knock sounded against the open door, and Rey was confused when she just saw emptiness above Ben. She craned her neck, and then she saw her, the tiny figure that trembled in the threshold.

Rey’s stomach dropped. “Taia,” the word ripped from her throat. “What are you doing here?”

Taia instantly looked self-conscious and wary, rejected, and Rey regretted her harsh tone. “It’s okay, Rey,” Ben said softly.

“You knew about this?” she nearly shrieked, hating the way her voice rose despite her efforts to be calm.

“I found her right before we landed. I made sure she was safe; she just wanted to help. She didn’t know where we were going, nor the danger we were entering.”

Rey forced herself to breathe deeply. “Ben, can you give us a minute?” He nodded tersely and stepped away. “Taia, come here.” The little girl was shaking as she approached Rey.

“Are you angry?” Taia asked tremulously. Rey was silent for just a second, and Taia kept going before she could respond. “Do you hate me? Are you going to send me away?”

Rey’s heart felt like it caved in. “Taia, shh, slow down. No,” she assured her, taking the girl’s hand, desperately thankful that she had regained control of her limbs so that she could show her affection. “Absolutely not. I need you to know that. I am never going to send you away. You have a home here.”

“Then why did you leave?” Taia said through gasps, tears now streaming freely down her face.

“Didn’t you enjoy your time with Finn and Rose?”

“I did, but I need you,” she admitted.

Rey didn’t allow her own tears to fall. “Part of being a Jedi is making sacrifices; recognizing our own smallness, and how the universe sometimes demands greatness from you despite it. I didn’t want to leave you, Taia. But I want you to know that if I have any say in it, I will always come back. Please, I need you not to doubt that.”

Taia let the words sink in. Snot was pooling beneath her nose. It wasn’t pretty, but it was raw and real.

“Do you believe me, Taia?”

She hesitated, then fell against Rey in a light, gentle hug, conscious of Rey’s injuries “I do,” she sniffled out.

“Promise me. Promise me that you know I am here for you.”

“I promise,” she said against her shoulder.

“Thank you. Now go wash up.” Taia clung to her tightly for a moment longer, then she scurried off to the refresher to clean off her face.

Rey crashed back onto the mattress. She exhaled deeply and brought her attention to the Force, feeling the way it seeped on and through her skin, her blood, her bones. She took a long inhale, centering herself. Soon, despite her pain, she slipped into a deep, peaceful sleep.

-

When Rey awoke, she was again held by strong arms. This time, when she opened her eyes, it was Finn’s face she saw.

“Finn!” she gasped excitedly, but her jerky movement made her body twitch and seize with pain, and she started coughing.

“Easy, Rey, easy. It’s good to see you,” he said with a wide smile.

She returned the smile. “Likewise, friend. Where are you taking me?”

“The medbay. You need some serious help.”

“Can’t be that bad,” she said lightly.

“Shut up,” he joked back.

Soon, he was laying her gently on a cot in the area that Lord Vand and Leia had turned into a medical center. Droids set to work on her, pricking her with needles and collecting samples of her blood. They injected a fluid into her that made her feel all tingly and warm inside, and she could feel herself being restored with every drop. Somehow she hadn’t broken any bones, and she thanked the Force. She relaxed onto her stretcher and trusted the droids to do their work. Soon her body felt all sorted out, her arms and legs loose and limber. After a few hours of medical attention, she felt almost as good as new, with just a few creaks and pinches here and there.

“You may go now,” one of the droids told her.

She nodded and hopped down from the cot, stretching out and rolling her neck around. She felt chipper and revitalized, as if her whole body had been nourished, every lack fulfilled.

She went and had a celebratory meal in the dining room and unwound with Rose, Finn, and Poe across from her, and Taia at her side. Things were finally starting to feel right again.

“So,” she began, “Do you know what they’re doing with Ben?” Rey forced herself to ask. The question of his fate had been biting at the back of her mind.

“We don’t really know yet,” Rose answered. “A couple guards carted him away--I’m guessing back to his cell. But Leia seems to be getting a little fed up with everyone who’s still against him. We’ll see how long he’s there.”

“So they won’t execute him?” she said, voicing her greatest fear. That he would be killed for saving her. That it would be her fault.

“Hell no,” Poe interjected. “Not after the stunt he pulled to rescue you. Anyone who doubts his intentions now is an idiot.”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” said Finn with an eye-roll.

“I can be dense, but I’m not _that_ dense. Not after that flight.”

“You should’ve seen him, Rey,” Rose said looking at Rey intently with a gleam in her eyes. “He was a wreck; I’m honestly surprised no one died.”

“Seems like prison has taught him some restraint,” Finn joked.

“Pretty unexpected,” Poe added.

Rey was silent. She was trying to take all of this in. She had felt Ben’s turmoil herself, but she’d been so distracted by her glaring pain. It stirred something in her.

“Rey,” said a low, even voice from the door to the dining room. Rey looked up and saw Captain Connix with an odd look on her face. “Leia wants to see you.”

Rey knit her brows. “Okay,” she said warily, but rose from her seat, said a hurried goodbye to her friends, and followed the captain to Leia’s office. The captain left the two of them alone and closed the door tightly on her way out.

“It’s good to see you, Rey,” Leia said warmly. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright. Loads better after the medbay,” she said cheerily, but something about Leia’s demeanor made her uneasy. “Is everything alright?”

“There’s something I need to discuss with you.” The General’s jaw set; she looked a strange mix of hopeful and grave.

Rey’s stomach dropped. “Is it Ben? What are they doing with him?” she asked, panicked.

“No, we’re still discussing that decision. But I’m fighting for him; I promise. That’s not why I called you in here.”

“Then why?” Rey demanded, not meaning for her voice to come out so harshly.

“The medical droids--they found some abnormalities with your bloodwork.”

Rey’s blood turn cold. “What do you mean?”

“Rey,” Leia paused--the air was thick and tense. “You’re pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS okay this chapter was IMMENSE but I needed to get here. I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS REVEAL HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP. Bonus points if you can find the breadcrumbs I've planted for the last several chapters. ;) I love you allllll so much. I appreciate each one of your comments. They make my heart skip every time. <3 Also special S/O to my friend Claire whose joy and anticipation was like, my #1 motivating factor in writing this. (But also all of your comments. They seriously get my booty movin' with writing!) I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think. :D


	22. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey deals with this change in her life, and Ben must confront some truths he'd rather not face.

Rey’s ears rang, and her head suddenly felt frighteningly light. “What?” she breathed, but she couldn’t hear her own voice.

“You’re pregnant,” Leia repeated, her face unreadable, her voice even. “Sit down, Rey.”

“There must’ve been a mistake.” She was struggling to find her breath.

Leia shook her head. “You’re lucky the baby wasn’t harmed from your fall. Now _sit_.”

“The baby,” she whispered and nearly collapsed into the chair across from Leia. A baby. There was a baby inside her. The room was spinning.

“You really didn’t know?” Leia asked, her voice much softer now.

“How should I have?” Rey sputtered. She knew next to nothing about her body; she never had a mother or a sister or a friend to teach her such things. Her monthly cycle hardly ever came when she was on Jakku--she’d just assumed that it would be irregular for the rest of her life from her years and years of malnourishment.

The General looked at her with pity. “Weren’t you queasy at all? They call it morning sickness.”

“I guess,” she responded halfheartedly. “Every now and then.”

“Huh,” Leia sighed. “Surprising. Mine was a nightmare when I was pregnant with Ben.”

Rey’s eyes snapped to the general, her mouth set in a hard line, and her cheeks colored slightly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Leia’s gaze narrowed, then she chuckled. “I know it’s his, Rey.”

If she wasn’t queasy before, she certainly was now. “That’s awfully presumptuous.” An image of her body interlocked with Ben’s flashed through her mind, the sensation of them moving as one, his lips against hers, breath shaking and fingers raking and knees quaking. And though right now she felt distant from her own skin, the memory still gave her shivers.

“You’re four months along. Four months ago you were galavanting in the wilderness with my son. I’m not stupid.”

 _Four months?_ Rey leaned over and put her head in her hands, elbows propped up on her knees.”How did this happen?” she said in a small, shaky voice.

“Would you like a diagram?” the General chided.

Rey’s fingers dug into her scalp. She felt a torrent of confusing emotions beginning to swell in her chest--anger, terror, regret, and beneath it all, curiosity. A slew of hypotheticals weaseled their way into her heart: a pretty picture impressed upon her mind. But it was quickly washed away like a footprint in the sand, replaced by the cycle of _fear_ and _trapped_ and _he will never accept this_ and _you never had a parent how can you be a parent_ and _not ready not ready not ready._

A sob escaped at last, and Rey began heaving and trembling. She heard Leia’s chair scrape against the ground, and soon a comforting hand was rubbing gentle circles over her lower back. “It’s okay,” she cooed in Rey’s ear, tenderly unfurling Rey’s clenched fists and placing a handkerchief into her now limp palm. “It’s going to be okay.” Rey let the sobs overtake her, and she didn’t know precisely why she was crying, but the tears kept flowing from her, as if she had been holding something in for a long time--maybe even a decade. A barricade was toppled and she could do nothing to stop the debris that tumbled forth from her eyes, that tore through her throat between her shortened breaths.

Rey was a towel that was twisted and twisted and twisted until there was nothing left to wring out. She tried to inhale but her lungs spasmed uncontrollably.

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. Deep breaths. That’s right.” Leia was still patiently beside her, comforting her. Rey’s lungs finally latched onto some air, and her breaths became steady and even. She sat up a little, and Leia brushed her tear-soaked hair out of her face, then laced it into a simple braid that fell across her neck.

“What are you feeling?” Leia finally asked after Rey had settled for a few minutes.

“Scared. Confused. Alone,” she said neutrally.

“It’s okay to be afraid, but you’re not alone.” The words chilled her; they were Ben's, sitting across from her as they truly connected, for the first time, on a level that neither of them could comprehend. 

“Are you so sure? What will the others think?” Rey hadn’t even considered what this would look like to the rest of the Resistance.

“Screw what they think. That’s my new mantra.”

“What if they cast me out?”

“They’ll burn in hell before they lay a hand on you,” Leia said with far more ferocity than Rey had ever heard from her. Though she’d never encountered Leia like this before, it felt familiar. Her eyes slid to the General’s, and there was an equal fury to match her voice. This was the first time outside of Ben’s embrace that Rey truly felt safe.

“You mean it?”

“Rey, I love you like you’re my own daughter. I mean it.” And then recognition dawned. This was Ben’s mother, and she loved with just as much fierce intensity as he did.

Rey reached for Leia’s hand and squeezed it tight. “Thank you.”

Leia smiled softly. “I’ve always wanted a grandchild.”

She was still feeling uneasy, but something like hope fastened tight to her heart. A strange laugh bubbled in her throat. “I can’t believe it,” Rey said. But then her thoughts drifted back to Ben, and her brief elation fell. “How am I going to tell him?” she wondered aloud. “How will he react?”

Leia eyed her cautiously. “I don’t know, Rey. He’s temperamental. But he loves you; there’s no doubting that. He’s always been fierce, but I’ve never seen him quite like this--the way he is when it comes to you.”

The older woman’s words stirred her stomach, pressed against her ribs. “I can’t face him.”

“Why is that?”

“It hurts. I don’t know how to describe it,” she paused, searching for the right words. She couldn’t find them, but she tried anyway. “He makes me feel like I’m bleeding inside. Or--burning. I feel like I could choke from all the things I want with him, and this thing inside me will only make it worse--make me wish for things I can’t have.”

Leia’s expression grew heavy, almost mournful. “Hm,” she said gruffly, “I understand that.”

“Do you?”

“Loving Han hurt like hell. Still does,” Leia said with a twisted mouth. “But it was always worth it.” She paused for a long moment, eyes swimming with memories unspoken. “You have to tell him, Rey.”

-

Rey hadn’t planned to go directly to his cell. She wanted to go back to her room and curl up in her bed; she wanted to find Rose and have someone else figure this all out for her. But instead she wandered mindlessly, numbly through the mansion, and without even realizing her destination, she ended up at the heavy, glossy black door. There were no longer guards posted--it seemed the Resistance had realized a security detail was futile based on the ease with which Ben was able to break out. They also realized that he was evidently complicit in his imprisonment, for he could have easily overcome any precautions they had taken prior to his escape.

So there were no barriers as Rey entered his room. She opened the door and was taken aback as the proximity of Ben washed into her; it broke through the thick shroud of apathy that had wrapped around her. His eyes immediately snapped to her, taking her in from head to toe, not only devouring, but also assessing, ensuring that she was alright--that she was healthy and whole. He stood and crossed the room, stepping slowly, eyes darkening as the distance lessened. He was mere inches from her, and the air between them throbbed. If she reached out, she would’ve been able to pluck the space between them like a string. She closed the door, leaned against it, and he took another step closer. He brought his hands up to the wall on either side of her, bracing her in.

She tried to find her voice, but she could hardly think; his nearness was too intoxicating. She felt the way he burned--it seeped off of his skin. His breaths were short as he brought his left hand behind her head and pulled loose her braid, freeing her hair so that it fell to her shoulders. It reminded her of that first night on his transport ship, when he’d helped her undress after the gala. That had been so long ago, but it felt merely a blink away as he stood before her. That night was the first time they’d been together, and her body remembered it better than her mind did, so cloudy and spinning were her thoughts in this moment.

She met his eyes intently and brought a hand to his face, running it along his beard; she missed the sharp angle of his jaw but enjoyed the way the hair felt against her skin.

“I have to tell you something,” she whispered in a shaky breath.

“I don’t want to talk,” he answered darkly, inching even closer, his mouth angling towards hers.

She didn’t either, she realized. It had been so long since she’d simply let herself have what she wanted, and right now she craved him with such desperation and greed that the feeling was almost foreign. She thought it would grow easier with time, thought she could simply go back to the way things were before she ever ran away with him, before their lips ever even touched. But her need for him was not so easily abdicated. It planted deep within her, and with him so close, denying him, denying herself felt impossible.

Her hands grasped into the loose fabric of his tunic and pulled him against her. He was almost shocked at the abrupt, almost aggressive movement, but he pressed her into the wall and brought his mouth close, so close to hers. That sweet, agonizing moment of anticipation hung there in the tiny, invisible space between their skin. But he didn’t bring their lips together like she wanted. He stared heavily into Rey’s eyes, and she kept his shirt gripped in her hands as he braced her against the wall and brought their bodies together. The last time they’d done this, in Amara’s cottage, had been slow and tender; this time was different—careless and determined. It felt so right, so familiar. It was almost torturous. Still their eyes hadn’t left each other, but just as her vision was beginning to blur, Ben finally pressed his mouth to hers, softly at first, then insistent and consuming.

Without even thinking, she opened her mind to his; it was too tempting, irresistible even, that dizzying bliss that came from sharing every sensation, amplifying every moment between them. But in an instant she realized her mistake; as Ben’s mouth swallowed her own, she immediately thought of another mouth, an unwanted mouth, and a single, treacherous moment of yielding.

She felt the instant that the thought trickled from her mind to Ben’s, taking shape irreversibly in his head. He tensed at once, pulled his mouth from hers, and slammed the walls of his mind shut. They were too far gone to stop, but an anguished expression twisted Ben’s features that had nothing to do with passion and everything to do with betrayal. Fury crept into his eyes and his movements. He brought his face beside hers and looked over her shoulder, no longer able to meet her eyes. Panic rose in her chest alongside her pleasure, and she felt angry, self-loathing tears slip from her eyes as they both fell apart.

He hung there for a long moment, his hair brushing against her scarred shoulder as their breaths slowed and evened out.

But that moment ended, and he abruptly disentangled himself from Rey and turned around, still not meeting her eyes. Rey’s head was swimming. She was suddenly cold from the loss of Ben’s touch, but every part of her burned, both from release and from fear, from regret--most especially her eyes, which still teemed with hot tears. She slumped against the door, her head falling back into the durasteel. Both of them straightened out their clothes, but every single motion they made felt forced and tense. Ben brought a hand to his jaw, running it across his beard, then the hand fell to his side in a fist. Still he faced the window.

“Ben,” Rey finally managed.

Suddenly that fist collided into the wall beside the window, and then his palm slammed in the same place, holding him up as his breath raked and heaved. His knuckles were instantly red and bloody, and she saw through his splayed fingers that he had dented the wall.

“Ben,” Rey repeated. “There is _nothing_ going on between me and Poe. Nothing.”

His lungs expanded shakily and the breath staccatoed out. “That’s not what it looked like to me.”

“I swear it. I have no feelings for him; I never have.”

Finally he turned toward her. His posture was almost threatening, his features riddled with disgust and rage, but above all longing. “I felt what you felt. You liked it,” he spat.

“It meant nothing,” she insisted, stepping towards him. She wouldn’t be intimidated. “I was caught off guard. And it never happened again. I wouldn’t even look at Poe for weeks.”

“I’m going to cut him open,” Ben seethed.

“ _No you’re not_ ,” Rey shot back furiously.  “Stop it, stop this. This changes nothing, Ben.” She crossed the room to him, half expecting him to recoil away, but he remained fixed in place. “I love you--only you.”

He flinched at her words. “How can I believe that?”

“Because you felt _that_ too,” she shoved him in the chest without much force. “You still feel it, no matter how badly you want to sabotage what’s good between us, throw it away so you can pity yourself like you always have.”

His mouth twitched. “I’m not the one throwing this away,” he snapped.

“You’re lying to yourself. I’ve ruined my standing in the Resistance with practically everyone but your mother _just because_ I won’t give up on you. You shut _me_ out. I’ve blamed myself enough for the both of us, and I’m done with that.” Her breaths stabbed at her lungs, and she no longer even tried to stop her tears. “I love you, and if you choose not to believe me, then _you’re_ the one pushing me away.”

His face coiled into a snarl, and it was plain that he wasn’t sure whom to direct his anger and frustration at, but it was broiling and bubbling. He started pacing around the room.

“I never should have left,” he said in an anxious mumble.

“What?” Rey spat. She tried to meet his eyes, but he looked like a lost child--the way he’d looked just after they’d finished fighting the Praetorian guards, as he’d stared at Snoke’s bisected corpse.

“This was all a mistake. All of it.” There was a strange, frantic energy emanating from him.

“No, no-- _stop_ it!” she half shrieked at him. “Ben, you don’t mean that.”

His hands raked through his shaggy, tangled hair, and he shook slightly. Rey couldn’t take this anymore. He was spiraling, and she would not allow it. Not now. Not when she needed him most. She stopped him in place, fingers digging into his arms to hold him steady. “Ben, look at me.” When he didn’t, she grabbed his bearded chin and tugged his face so that he couldn’t look away. “Stop this; I know you don’t mean that. This wasn’t a mistake, and you know it in your bones. This isn’t about Poe; it’s about you looking for a reason to self-destruct. What we have is true, and you know it.” As she spoke the words, they became real to her, too. She breathed deeply, trying to steady them both. “And you’re not comfortable with comfort, are you?” Snoke was still poisoning him, even from beyond the grave, even after all these months, she realized. But months of trial-laden happiness wouldn’t undo years of torment and abuse. That tendency to twist what is good had become automatic, second nature. But she wouldn’t let him twist this. “Well that’s too bad,” she continued, “because I’m not going anywhere. So fine. Be angry with me. Feel betrayed. But don’t you dare regret this--us.”

His face relaxed slightly, and his ragged breathing slowed. Now he couldn’t look away from her eyes, as if they were his center of gravity. “I’m sorry,” he said under his breath.

“So am I,” she replied fiercely. In this moment it passed for forgiveness.

“I love you,” he rasped, and though the words were like loose, shaky gravel against his throat, to her ears, they were solid and right.

“Ben,” she began, dropping her hands from his chin and arm, squaring her shoulders, “there’s something else.”

His eyebrows knit. His face was now calm but concerned, his voice even and low. “What is it?”

Rey took a deep breath.

-

“I’m,” Rey tripped on the words, and Ben felt his blood begin to quicken with fear again, when he had just found calm.

“What’s wrong?” he urged, still reeling with self-hatred for his cruel words, his outburst. His eyes searched hers beseechingly.

“I’m pregnant.”

The words crashed into his gut, and the breath in his lungs evaporated. “Pregnant?” he repeated, balking backward without intending to. She looked immediately wounded. She didn’t speak and barely nodded; again her eyes swam with tears, and his chest twisted.

“Is it--” he began, but he immediately regretted vocalizing the thought.

“Yours?” Rey spat with a hard, angry expression. “Of course it is.”

Ben’s eyes fell to her abdomen then quickly away. So many emotions flitted through him at once that he couldn’t untangle one from the other. Panic was preeminent among them, oppressing every vital organ in his body, making it hard to think and breathe and stand at the same time. “It’s ours,” he exhaled. “Ours.” A piece of him, a piece of Rey, growing inside her like a tiny little sprout. He stepped closer to Rey, and she tilted her head back so she could meet his eyes fully. As he drew closer to her, the panic subsided into something else--something like hope. Something binding--like promise, perhaps even elation.

Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her, encircling her with everything that he had, everything that he was. A father--he was going to be a father. He didn’t realize how badly he’d wanted this until this very moment. His whole life he had been desperately searching for family, for home, for belonging, and so had Rey. The universe wouldn’t hand those things to them, so they had made their own--tore apart the rules and expectations and reshaped their worlds to make the other fit, no matter how hard and demanding the task was. Somehow they’d chiseled something beautiful from their own rough, cracked, broken stone, and he refused to throw it away, refused to let it go, as he’d done to every good thing in his life until now. Until Rey. He fell to his knees before her, head resting against her barely raised stomach, against their baby. He let his mental ramparts crumble, and he felt Rey do the same. Finally, in the flesh, they were truly together--not in the way they’d been earlier, but in the whole, complete way that only the Force could grant them. In the way that made words unnecessary. But he spoke them anyway. “I will never let anything happen to you. To our child. Never.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she said with a teary smile that he heard rather than saw. Though the words were cold, he could feel the warmth passing between them, the safety and fullness.

“That’s what Solos do,” he replied with a laugh that was hardly more than a breath.

They remained embraced for a long time, and only when a knock came at the door did they separate. He fell back onto his heels, and Rey stepped slowly away, her hands barely letting go of his hair.

Admiral Ellona Sweet stepped in, one of the few persons in command that supported Ben’s release, according to Leia. The tide was changing, his mother had assured him, and he had the audacity to believe her.

“Follow me, Solo,” the woman commanded. “It’s time for your hearing.”

Ben’s stomach dropped. He’d known it would be soon, but they’d barely just returned from Yavin 4. He’d do practically anything to get out of this cell, but he was surprised at the turnaround. _Let that mean something good_ , he prayed.

The admiral gestured for him to walk in front of her, and though it was a gesture of good faith, he still noted the blaster at her hip. He heard Rey follow behind him. Their minds were still bridged and open, and she felt her fear, but also the assurance that she poured into him over their bond.

They wound up the stairs, the same stairs he’d ascended just one day before, when he’d made his mad escape to rescue Rey. He couldn’t quite believe it was only yesterday. The path was sparse, and only a few people stared at them along the way. Finn and Rose looked on from a balcony on the floor above, curious and perhaps even hopeful. Ben was beginning to appreciate those two, despite himself--their kind way, their unwavering loyalty to Rey.

Soon, they approached the same doors they’d faced on that first day, when he and Rey and Rose had arrived at the base. And he felt anxiety cresting just as he had on that very day, though he was walking into entirely different circumstances. But his future was again on the line.

When they entered, every eye was glued to him. The doors began to shut before Rey could follow in, but he heard her arguing. He looked over his shoulder instantly, even though it probably would’ve served him better to keep looking forward.

“Officers only,” a man beside the door said.

“I’m not leaving,” she fumed.

“Yes you are.”

Rey’s nostrils flared, and she donned that fierce look she always wore when she was about to do battle.

“Let her through,” Leia commanded from across the room. “Unless you want to be pummeled through the ground,” she joked, and almost everyone in the room chuckled, some people genuine, some forced and uncomfortable.

The man stood down.

Admiral Sweet gave him a slight push to prompt him forward, and he continued walking. Rey swiftly skirted around the room, and he saw her settle against the wall. As he approached the command table, which was surrounded by uniformed officers with various medals and honors, he felt a familiar presence to his left.

He glanced briefly to the side, and he nearly lost his footing. The creature beside him was giant and furry and instantly made him feel like a small boy. Chewie. The last time he’d seen him had been on Starkiller Base when he’d put a blaster in Ben’s side. When Ben had murdered Han. Immediately he felt clammy, slightly sick to his stomach, but when Ben met Chewie’s eyes, he only saw compassion. Warmth. Forgiveness.

The wookiee placed a kind, comforting hand on Ben’s shoulder that spoke more than words ever could. Something clicked into place within Ben--something that he hadn’t realized was dislodged. A host of happy memories suddenly assaulted him, memories he’d shut out for years. Being thrown in the air and caught by hairy arms. Sitting on shoulders that felt as high as mountaintops. Learning how to use a blaster, and later how to clean it. With that single touch, Ben felt fortified and protected in a way that he hadn’t since before he was old enough to swing a lightsaber. He hadn’t realized how badly he needed this reconciliation, even if it was wordless.

A cough tore his attention back to the command table. Chewie stepped through the room and stood behind the table beside Rey, against the back wall.

 _I’m here_ , Rey told him through the bond. _I’m not going anywhere._

“Ben Solo,” Admiral Sweet began, “I am here to preside over your hearing. Though Leia is a competent, capable, experienced, and trusted leader, some officers believe the conflict of interest is too great for her to lead these proceedings. So this responsibility falls to me.

“You have committed grievous crimes, young Solo.” He grimaced at the address; the last time someone called him that had been Snoke. Sweet continued. “They are renowned through the galaxy--the Jedi Killer. The Supreme Leader’s wardog, Master of the Knights of Ren. Then the Supreme Leader yourself. You murdered your father, you are responsible for the death of Luke Skywalker, and the loss of too many lives to even count. You were complicit in the destruction of the New Republic and supported the fascist regime that enacted these atrocities.” She paused for breath. Each word sunk into Ben’s skin, and he felt the tension roaring through every inch of the room, in every single person. He met Rey’s eyes behind the admiral and didn’t take his eyes from her for the remainder of the hearing.

“Yet here you stand before us,” Admiral Sweet continued. “You have returned to your family. You have abdicated the rule of the First Order. You brought down General Hux, the brains behind the entire operation. You killed Snoke to save Rey when she was nothing more to you than apprentice of a man you hate,” Ben flinched at that. These people knew so little. Rey gave a slight smile, thinking the same. “You gave us information that has helped us begin to topple the First Order, which you already helped to turn into shambles. Every piece of intel has proven to be both truthful and useful.

“And now, just yesterday, you broke out of your cell, broke nearly every single protocol, injured dozens, albeit not severely. And for what? To save our Jedi, our greatest hope in winning this war, in building a new peace, a new place for the Light in this dark, dark galaxy.

“You have sinned gravely, Ben Solo,” she paused for a long, heavy moment. “But we are indebted to you.” Relief crashed through him as he felt the tension break, like the rain finally pouring through a heavy cloud. “It is my judgment that you are a greater asset to the Resistance out of your cell than imprisoned.” People began muttering and shuffling, and some even began to voice their protest. “Silence!” Admiral Sweet ordered. “This is my decision, and it is high time you all let go of the past and let this man salvage what is left of his sorry life. If you don’t believe in the ability of the Light to win, even in a single heart, then I don’t know what you’re all risking your lives for. Enough of this.” Ben felt faint with gratitude. He fought to keep himself upright. “You will walk free, Solo, under close monitoring. You will not leave this planet until you have proven that you are worthy of the liberty. You may assist Rey in training the Force users. You may attend Resistance-wide meetings. And if you continue to prove yourself, you can start fighting. Are these terms agreeable to you?”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank you all for your overwhelmingly wonderful responses!! I have loved hearing from ALL of you. My pace is definitely going to be disrupted a little by school and student teaching, which I am deeply deeply sorry for. But I will do my best to write whenever I have the energy! It's going to be a bit of an exhausting couple of weeks, but I know this story will keep ticklin’ my brain. MEEEP! Please let me know what you think!! Hugs and kisses


	23. Woven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben transition into something resembling a normal life.   
> (Warning: much fluff ahead)

The single word resounded throughout the room, reverberating on every surface, in every eye, in every hunched and tensed shoulder, save for the few alleviated individuals who finally exhaled as Ben pronounced that syllable: yes. Rey’s heart thumped once, twice, and soon the erratic rhythm steadied as she realized this was real. Ben was free. Conditionally, yes, but  _ free _ . His eyes hadn’t left hers for the entire sentencing, and they were still trained on her, fixed in their path like a starship in hyperspeed. When Admiral Sweet ceased talking, when people began shuffling around the room, Rey felt drawn like a magnet to Ben. 

She took a step towards him, and he towards her, and it didn’t matter who was in the room as she crossed it, rounded the table and flew to Ben, practically jumped into his arms in a crushing hug. Her lungs ached as tears of relief trickled from her eyes, and she tightened her arms even further around him. He released her, and she slid to the ground, pressing hurried, punctuated kisses to his lips, only pulling away to share a huge grin of relief. She pushed his hair back and simply held his face in her hands, beaming and laughing and crying and shaking. He leaned down and stole a deeper kiss, and she swayed backward. He broke the kiss with a smile, and they stood there pressing their foreheads together and breathing in one another’s joy. She didn’t care if everyone was staring, gaping at their display. She was too happy, and she knew Ben was too—could feel it through their bond, and could simply see it in him. She no longer needed the Force to read his emotions. Both of their minds were swimming with the uncertainty of it all. This was a new stage, a new phase of Ben and Rey, and neither of them knew what would come, but both of them were delirious with delight at the possibility of a future.

Finally, someone coughed. Rey’s cheeks colored despite her lack of shame. Both her head and Ben’s snapped to the source. It was Leia. 

“Ben,” she said in a choked sigh, and tears were in her eyes as well. 

“Thank you,” he said with a desperate sort of gratitude that sprang up from his very core. 

“I am not responsible for this,” Leia replied and took his hands in hers. “You are.”

He looked down and away. Rey could feel his simultaneous insecurity and pride, and drew close to his side and placed a hand on his back. Leia released his hands and looked at Rey. 

“I’m at a loss for words,” Leia said to her. 

“That must be a first,” Ben teased, and he put his free arm around Rey so they stood interlocked. A united force.

Leia smiled and shot him a loving glare. “Awfully sassy for someone just released from prison.” Leia leaned closer to Rey. “I will never stop being grateful.” The words contained so many unspoken truths, but Leia tucked them all into her eyes, the soft line of her mouth, her open posture.  _ Thank you for loving him when I couldn’t,  _ it all said.  _ Thank you for believing in him when I had given up _ .

“I--” Rey fumbled.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just live with that knowledge.” Rey nodded. There was a moment of content silence, and Rey’s eyes snaked up to Ben. Something warm bloomed in her chest at the way he was looking at his mother, with affection and trust. It was a side of Ben that she wanted to see as much as possible. He caught her staring, gave a lazy half smile, and pulled her in front of him, leaning his chin atop her head. Unconsciously, he slipped his hands around her waist and rested them on her abdomen. Rey tried to fight the giddy grin that tugged at her mouth. 

Leia didn’t miss a single beat; she smiled at them knowingly and looked pointedly at her stomach. “You told him,” she commented lowly. 

She felt Ben tense behind her. “You knew?” he asked, half accusing, half curious. 

“I knew before she did,” the general responded sardonically. 

“Of course you did,” he said incredulously. There was something so light and youthful about the way he spoke, as if a cumbersome, weighty burden had been lifted from his shoulders and chest. “Does anyone else?” 

“Only the medical droids and Connix, but I can trust her with anything.”  
“She seems quite fond of you,” Ben observed. 

“She’s a dear,” Leia said warmly. “I’d advise against making this too widely known, Rey, though it is entirely up to you. I have faith in your judgment.”

Rey bit her lip and nodded. Something about having to tell others made her feel squeamish. She was terrified of how they would react, but at least now, if they were to see Ben, see how he cared for her and how he’s changed, maybe then they wouldn’t detest her.

“I still can’t quite believe it took four months for anyone to realize,” he said with a slight chuckle of disbelief.

“I didn’t tell you how far along I was,” Rey shot back suspiciously, turning slightly to face him.

His eyes darkened. “I’m aware of how long I was in that cell,” he almost snarled. Though his words sounded dangerous, there was something playful about the way his gaze drank her in. He leaned over to her ear. “I know how long it had been since I had you,” he whispered, his breath tickling her lobe.

She coughed and felt heat blaze on her face. His mother was right in front of them! She elbowed him slightly in the gut, and he winced, but he merely pulled her closer. Leia started laughing--truly laughing. “I have something for you,” she said after she finally gained control of herself.

Rey was immediately intrigued, but the kindness beneath Leia’s laughter stabbed at her chest. It almost hurt to be this bound to people--indebted beyond repayment. It wasn’t the simple exchange of food and parts that she’d experienced on Jakku. It was far more complicated; she was trading in kindness and connection, sacrifice and love. It was foreign and uncomfortable, but at the same time, the exact opposite. Familiar and warm and easy. 

“Follow me,” Leia commanded lightly, “it’ll just be a moment,” She and Ben took slow steps behind Leia, lacing hands, unable to keep from touching one another for too long. It was as if in the past couple of days some door had opened between them--one that allowed for a sweetness, a gentle companionship that tempered their fierce passion. She had thought all barriers between them were gone long ago, but with each trial they faced, they were finding further reaches of intimacy. It frightened her to feel this way. 

They entered Leia’s office. “You can stay in Rey’s room,” she told Ben. Ever since learning of the pregnancy, Rey couldn’t help but be embarrassed at how it so clearly exposed the true extent of her relationship with Ben, but Leia didn’t seem too precious about it. “The Resistance is growing, so I’ll have to fight to allow the two of you a private room. It would be easier if you…” she paused and looked at them--bit her lip, then shook her head. “Never mind. I’ll make it work. Rey, I’m afraid that with your condition, and now that we know there’s a bounty on your head, you’ll have to stay here. We can’t put you at risk again.”

Rey’s temper flared immediately, defiantly. “But I have to find more Force-sensitives!” she insisted. “I’ve barely scratched the surface!”

Leia stared at her, hard. “I won’t have you throwing your life away for the cause. I will not allow it. And you will not endanger my grandchild.” Her tone left no room for question, but Rey’s blood was already boiling. She felt like a child--like a caged animal. She’d never had anyone to tell her no, and she wasn’t about to get used to that now.

“She’s right,” Ben said fiercely, interrupting her rebellious thoughts. “That bounty hunter was just the beginning. I won’t let the First Order touch you.”

Rey turned furiously to him. “Oh, is  _ that  _ why you don’t want me running off? You’re sure it’s not just because you’re trapped here?”

The words cut him, and she regretted them immediately. But she was surprised when they didn’t rile him. “Of course I want you here, Rey. Of  _ course  _ I want to be near you. I think I’ve made that quite obvious. But I happen to be concerned for your wellbeing, and that of our child.”

Her heart twisted, and she felt almost chastened. The phrase  _ our child _ echoed in her head, and with it came the confusing mix of emotions that had been attacking her since the moment she’d learned the truth. She had no instinct for this; she had no context for what it meant to be a parent, to keep another life safe, a life that depended on her. She felt almost foolish; they must think she completely lacked regard for the baby growing inside her, and her joy from earlier was swiftly deflating.

“I’ll have you know--both of you--that I will not be told what to do. I will not be kept in a pretty cage like some sort of broodmare.” She fought to find calm. “I’m still getting used to this, so I’m sorry that you think me so reckless as to risk the life of my child.” She paused, and now she addressed Ben directly. “But clearly you don’t know my mettle, or perhaps you’ve missed the way I’ve fought for you.”

“Rey,” Ben raised his hands, “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. You’re the strongest person I know.” His words were hurried and rushed, like if he didn’t speak them quickly, they wouldn’t be vocalized at all. He was rarely so nakedly vulnerable—at least not in speech, and it had the slightest calming effect on Rey. There was something agonizingly genuine about the way he struggled to form the words. “You’re fierce and protective and dangerous,” he continued, “and I can’t think of a single person who deserves the kind of love you give.” He stepped closer to her, and it was clear that Leia felt like an intruder in the moment. “But I’m begging you,  _ please _ don’t leave Naboo. I know firsthand the vicious way the First Order treats their prisoners. And though I know you can fend for yourself, one person is no match for their limitless resources. Even if I could go with you, I wouldn’t want you out there.” His eyes were incongruously soft and piercing all at once, and they burned with such intensity, such raw emotion that he forced himself to look away from Rey, as if it were hard to reveal so much of himself despite all the ways they already were bare to one another. “I don’t feel strong enough to protect you from them. But I’d die before letting them get their hands on you. I won’t abide it.” He gripped her arms desperately, and once again met her eyes, his gaze wide, feral, and wild. “And now there’s more than just you to worry about. There’s too much risk. Too much to lose.”

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep, centering breath. With every word he chipped at the fragile shell that she’d haphazardly shoved around her heart, and now he was starting to poke at the raw, pulsing organ that beat too quickly. Far too much to lose, she realized. She hadn’t truly let herself realize that; in her trips to and from various planets and moons, between Naboo and Yavin 4 and countless others, she had numbed herself from this truth--she’d thrown herself into her work. And again when she learned of the baby, she had slipped into that comfortable lull of apathy, but time and again, Ben was shaking her out of it and breaking that hazy film that she always tried to keep like another skin lining her heart. She’d always done it, anytime there was an attachment in her life. She needed to, to keep herself safe, to defend herself from the constant disappointment which she was already living. All her life she had run from the truth of her parents, and even that lie wasn’t so much a hopeful idealism, but rather a defense mechanism.Yet another shield to protect herself. But somehow, she had always stayed just soft enough for the light to seep in, and she wasn’t about to ruin that now. “Okay,” she finally said. “You’re right. I just--don’t like feeling cornered. Please don’t do it again,” she said to both of them. 

“Understood,” Ben said instantly, eyes swimming with contrition. “Never again.” He ran a hand along his jaw, and despite the way her emotions spun, she took delight in the scratchy sound it made. It made her think of the feel of her own skin against his beard, and the thought mollified her. 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I just want what’s best for you,” Leia added. 

“I forgive you,” Rey said resolutely. And she could tell they were certain of her sincerity--she made sure of it. “I’ll stay here, and Ben will live in my quarters.” She paused and suddenly remembered why they’d come into the office in the first place. “You said you had something for us?”

Leia nodded briskly, as if this whole flurry had made her forget. “For you, actually,” she said, pulling something from her desk drawer. “I’d forgotten about it, but you seemed to like it.” She tossed a crumpled ball of leather to Rey, who caught it with ease. “You left it at Amara’s all those months ago,” Leia added. Rey unfurled it, and her heart felt like it surged into her throat as she realized what it was. Ben’s jacket. All of the tension and anger that had been weighing her down just now fled from her body, and she hugged the jacket tightly to her chest, then swiftly swung it around her shoulders. “I thought to hold onto it,” Leia continued, looking to Ben, “sentimental old fool that I am. Reminded me of good times, when we were actually a family. But it’ll do you more good, Rey, than shoved into my drawer.”

“I love this jacket,” she said under her breath, and tugged the soft leather closer around her. Rey looked over to Ben, and he examined her with a sort of mournful longing, just like he had that first night he’d seen her in the jacket, back when the only base the Resistance had was the Millennium Falcon. When Ben was still Supreme Leader, and there was still a world of pain and trust and love to discover between them. Rey suddenly felt guilty for getting angry with him. “Thank you, Leia,” she finally said.

“Don’t mention it,” the general replied in her kind, scratchy voice. “Now go make yourselves comfortable. And Ben, do try not to get yourself in trouble.”

“Sure, mom,” he said with a laugh and a shake of his head. With that slight gesture, Ben’s resemblance to Han jumped out as if it were a living thing. She was sure Leia felt the same with the pained but joyous expression on her face. 

Ben put his arm around Rey and began guiding her into the hall. She knew the way his hand relished the feel of the leather on her shoulders. His every movement sent spindly fingers of warmth throughout her back, her arms, and her chest, and she leaned into his touch. As the  two wound through the corridors of the Base, there was no room for fear in her heart. 

-

“Do we have to start calling him Ben now?” Poe asked in the dining hall. They’d added a few more tables to make the setting a bit more casual, and the pilot appreciated it. He leaned in towards Rose and Finn.

“Yes, you dummy. That’s his name,” Rose snapped back without any real bite.

“What else would you call him?” Taia inquired with innocent curiosity.

Did she really not know? The three adults exchanged hesitant glances. Finally Poe spoke, confident in his ability to smooth things over. “You’ll have to ask him that, buttercup.”

Taia looked frustrated but pleased at his little pet name for her. 

Just then, the ease of the room shifted into discomfort as people began to fall silent. Poe turned in his seat, and there was the man himself. Kylo Ren--Ben Solo--was sweeping into the room, arm-in-arm with Rey. After their parade of affection earlier in the command room, Poe thought they might show more decorum with how they interacted in public. But it seemed like they would continue such displays regardless of who was present. He grudgingly respected their pluck. He should’ve come to expect no less from Rey, really.

The Jedi in question led the pair of them to their table, and she greeted each of them warmly. There was something different about her, but Poe couldn’t quite place it. It was the way she carried herself, the way she interacted with Finn and Rose, and Taia most especially. Something confident. She looked healthy in a way that she never had in all the time he’d known her. Nourished, inside and out. Poe shuffled those thoughts out of his mind; Rey would never be his, and he’d more than accepted that, but it didn’t stop him from admiring the hell out of her. What he really needed was a distraction. There were plenty of people to pick from; he’d always been well-liked. 

But not by the man beside Rey. When Solo laid eyes on him, his lip lifted in a sort of snarl, and he could tell that the man was imagining all manner of ways to make him suffer. Poe felt an echo of the pain he’d felt that night aboard the  _ Finalizer _ , the way his head felt like it was going to burst. Had Ben Solo really changed? Poe knew he had, he’d seen it with his own two eyes when they went to rescue Rey. But something about his glare made Poe uneasy.

“I thought we were passed this, buddy,” Poe said to him.

Rey looked at Solo impatiently. “Ben,” she said sharply, “I will not have this conversation again.” 

“Fine,” he said shortly, then sat down with a slightly grumpy expression. Whatever chastisement Rey had given him only did so much; he could still feel the disdain rolling off of him in waves. 

Rey went to the kitchen to retrieve some food. Poe saw his chance and seized it. “Really, man, what’s your problem?”

“I know what you did,” he spat back.

“I’ve done a lot of things; you’re gonna have to be more specific,” Poe replied smoothly. “And less ominous, please. Doesn’t really suit you anymore.”

“It’s like you  _ want _ me to kill you,” Solo said, his eyes burning holes into Poe’s face.

“You don’t become a war hero without a little bit of a death wish,” Finn awkwardly inserted himself into the conversation, clearly trying to dispel some of the tension.

“I know you kissed Rey,” Solo blurted out.

“You  _ what _ ?” Rose hissed. 

“Excuse me, we’re practically sitting with a war criminal. I refuse to be put on trial right now.” He couldn’t help but feel attacked and blindsided. And slightly embarrassed. 

“I have no desire to do so,” Solo articulated. “And I would love nothing more than to eviscerate you where you sit.” He paused, as if imagining doing precisely that. “As much as I feel that way, and believe me, the desire is significant, I want the past to be the past. I know there’s no real equivalence in this situation, but Dameron, I won’t hold this against you.” Poe couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. Solo continued with difficulty, but continue he did. “What I’m saying is, I will extend you that courtesy. And I only ask for the same, in return. I ask that you, and all of you,” he glanced to Rose and Taia and Finn, “will allow me to show you that I am a better man. And if not for me, then for Rey, for--” he seemed to stop himself, then recovered, “for my mother.”

Poe replayed this speech in his head, certain he’d misinterpreted him somehow. But no, that was really what he’d said. And even more surprising, the man seemed genuine. 

“We can do that,” Rose said without hesitation. “Right?” she looked at the others, and nudged Finn when no one responded.

“Right,” Finn said. 

“Right,” Poe added after a long pause.

“Thank you,” Solo said with relief, and just then Rey returned to the table and slid into the seat beside him. She set a plate down in front of him, a rich, decadent meal for the both of them. Poe surveyed Solo analytically, and it seemed like he hadn’t had a good meal in a while--his face was drawn and he had heavy circles under his eyes. The beard made his paleness even more striking. But his tunic put his lean, hard figure on display, and Poe reluctantly admired him. Clearly Solo hadn’t been completely idle in his cell, but the man’s once hulking form wasn’t quite so frighteningly large. Rey seemed determined to fix that. 

“I don’t really understand what’s happening,” Taia’s small voice squeaked from beside Rose. She was small for her age; her chin could’ve rested on the table if she hadn’t sat up so decidedly straight. 

Rey looked puzzled. “Me neither. Fill me in.”

“Well,” the girl began, “Ben was asking everyone to give him a chance. Why do you need a chance, Ben?” She stared up at him with wide, shiny eyes. 

Something in his face fell, Poe noticed--as if he didn’t want to lose Taia’s good opinion. As if her admiration meant something to him. 

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” Solo said gently, not taking his eyes away from the little girl, though it was evident that he wanted to. 

“Why did you call him a war criminal?” Taia asked Poe.

“Really, Poe?” Rey said with a roll of her eyes.

“Like I said before, Taia. It’s not my business to tell you.” And Poe didn’t necessarily want to anymore. Though Taia was quiet and unassuming, she had woven her way into all of their lives, like a little thread that stitched them together when tension threatened to tear them all apart. He didn’t want to disappoint her. She reminded him of the sisters he’d once had, dead long ago. No, he didn’t want to contribute anymore to this one’s disillusionment, not when she was already so aware of the world’s cruelties. 

“Hmpf,” she groaned dejectedly, and her shoulders finally slumped from her rim-rod straight position.

“I was just let out of prison, Taia,” Solo said hesitantly. 

“Prison?” she whispered, and she looked far more confused than wary. Solo relaxed slightly.  _ Funny _ , Poe thought incredulously. Kylo Ren had made a living off of people being terrified of him, but Ben Solo didn’t even want this one little girl to fear him. 

“It’s a long story,” Rey interjected. “Rose, can I speak with you for a moment?”

Rose nodded, leaving the men at the table with Taia.  _ Wonderful _ , thought Poe, and the other two seemed to share the sentiment. Of course they’d be left to navigate this complicated conversation without the two people whom Taia loved and trusted most. 

“If you were so bad,” the girl said, squinting at Solo, “how come Rey likes you?” 

Poe internally chuckled at the juvenile phrase, but he supposed she didn’t have much frame of reference for romance.

“It really is a long story, Taia,” Solo began. Something about his smooth voice reminded Poe of his own father, about to tell some mythic fable by the fire. The comparison made him a little squeamish. Solo continued, “But I think you must’ve earned it--hasn’t she, Finn?”

“Definitely,” Finn grinned, but there was reluctance in his eyes. Poe knew Finn must feel that same protective instinct when it came to the little orphan. 

“Have you ever heard the name Kylo Ren?” Solo asked her.

She nodded and trembled a little. “The cruel men used to tell us stories about him, told us if we didn’t give them all our profits from begging that Kylo Ren would come snatch us in our sleep.”

Solo’s nose twitched and he bit his lip; clearly the words had stung. “Did they?” he asked.

She nodded again and spoke with a frightened sort of vehemence. “I had nightmares about him all the time. I knew it was Kylo Ren--a man in a mask, just like they said, stalking through a forest covered in black and followed by a dark shadow; it clouded around his head and burrowed into his chest.” Her voice shook.

Poe didn’t know what Solo had expected to hear, but this was clearly not it. He looked taken aback and intrigued. “A dark shadow?” he said curiously. “What do you mean?”

“It was always so fuzzy when I woke up. It was terrifying; the shadow spoke in a silky voice, just like the mean bosses in the market. The ones who tried to trick me and hurt me.” Taia looked down, unable to keep going as a painful memory clearly seized her.

“Don’t push her, Solo,” Poe cut in, heart twisting at her distress.

“Snoke,” Solo whispered to himself with a shake of his head. “Taia, I think these were visions that the Force gave you. That was me you saw, Kylo Ren.” Her eyes snapped up at once, and her face screwed up into disbelieving disgust. “I once went by that name, but not anymore. I’ve chosen a different path. I don’t know why the Force revealed me to you, but those shadows that you saw were my master. I have done truly horrific things that I don’t care for you to know, but Snoke twisted my mind ever since I was a child, younger than you.” Poe could tell that Solo was fighting to keep his voice slow and even, as if his instinct was to let the words fall from his mouth in a rushed, tumbling stream. “Rey saved me from him; shook me from his hold on me, and that is what bound us together. The Force brought us together, but we have chosen one another, and that will never change as long as I have any say in it.” He paused and tilted his head, knitting his brows as he looked at the little girl. “And it seems like you have a part to play in this, too.”

Taia seemed to shrink at his words. “I do?” she whispered, barely audible.

He gave a single firm nod. “I’m sure of it. Will you let me teach you?”

Poe and Finn exchanged a glance. This moment felt weighty and important, and neither of them felt entirely comfortable any time the Force was involved. It made Poe feel small. Tiny in the grand scheme of destiny. He saw the same look in Finn’s eyes.

Taia thought for a long beat, her face remaining neutral but her dark eyes telling a winding story. She went from fear to hesitation, to disgust, then eventually to trust and hope and resolution. “I will.”

-

“What is it, Rey?” Rose asked after Rey had pulled her through a corridor and into an empty room. Rey shut the door and leaned her head against it, still gripping the handle. 

“Rey,” Rose repeated. “What’s going on?” She placed a hand on Rey’s shoulder, and felt the slightest tremor. Rey turned around to face her, and Rose was puzzled at the shine of her eyes. Was she holding back tears?

“I’m scared,” she replied in a small voice.

“Rey, you know we’re going to support Ben. I made Finn and Poe promise to make this easy on him.”

“That’s not it,” Rey whispered. “Rose,” she paused for a long, heavy moment. “I’m going to have a baby.”

Rose stepped back and let out a shocked gasp. An infinite string of questions raced through her mind, but all she managed to say was, “Wait a minute. A baby? You’re pregnant?”

Rey nodded, and her face scrunched up with an indecipherable mess of emotions. “Please don’t judge me,” Rey begged. “I don’t want to hear it; I never intended for this to happen. Never. But I need your help.”

Rose’s confused face fell, and before Rey could even blink back her tears, a huge, goofy smile seized Rose’s lips. She brought her hands to her cheeks and let out a strange, giddy shriek. “Rey!” she said delightedly, “Judge you? Oh stars, no! Never. Never! This is amazing, oh Maker,  _ Maker _ this is amazing!” She kept giggling and shaking, almost vibrating with joy. “A baby, Rey! You’re going to be the cutest mom. And you’re not even showing yet; kriff you are going to have the cutest little belly. I always wanted to be an aunt. Rey, can she call me Aunt Rose? It has to be a girl, right? I hope it’s a girl.” Rey’s fear had turned into a confused sort of amusement. 

“Rose, woah, slow down,” she said with a laugh.

Rose simply shook her head and smiled, then wrapped Rey in one of the tightest hugs she’d ever experienced. “Rey, this is incredible news. I don’t care what anyone says or what you yourself may think; you’re going to be a fantastic mom. I know it. And of  _ course _ I’ll help you. Whatever you need. Whenever. I’m here for you.”

Rey clutched onto Rose. “Thank you, Rose. Thank you.” 

Rose pulled back so she could look Rey in the face. “Do you want me to help you tell people?”

“Maybe Finn and Poe. I’ll do it, but I’ll need you by my side. I’ll let the rest of them figure it out on their own.”

Rose nodded enthusiastically. Then her smile turned a little more mischievous. “I always wondered… tell me, what’s he like in bed?” 

Rey’s mouth fell open; she scoffed and pushed Rose away playfully. “Shove off.”

And the two women giggled their way back into the dining hall arm in arm, feeling much more like young girls than two soldiers fighting in a galactic war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me a little longer to update, but I warned you. D: Not much action or angst in this chapter, but your hearts deserved a little sweet reprieve. :) I'm not used to writing fluff but I'm so in love with this little makeshift family. I hope you enjoyed!


	24. Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Change is brewing.

Ben’s first weeks of freedom passed relatively uneventfully. Uneventful in that it was just about as prickly a reception as he expected. Only a few people had spat on his boots, and he hadn’t received any death threats, so he considered it a small victory. He was beginning to feel comfortable among Rey’s close friends, and even Dameron seemed to be warming up to him. Although, the pilot kept referring to him as “Solo,” and Ben wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the moniker coming from a man whose demeanor bore such a striking resemblance to Han’s.

Ben fruitlessly tried to keep Han out of his mind since the moment Rey had revealed her pregnancy, but the man was inevitable. He somehow kept cropping up in conversations, and every moment made his heart twist and jerk like a dying Tauntaun. It hurt more than he would ever admit--the lack of his father--and with every fresh reminder of Han, the guilt felt a little heavier on his shoulders.

How would he explain this to his own child? How could he tell his kid what a monster he’d been? Already he loved that unborn baby more than he ever thought himself capable. He would sacrifice himself without a second thought for that child, and it didn’t even have a name yet--a face. Han Solo may have been a disappointing father, but he couldn’t help but put himself in his father’s shoes as Rey’s stomach grew a little more each day. Is this what Han felt, as he watched Leia’s stomach expand? As he watched Ben grow and grow in the womb? Did he feel this fear, this terrifying love? Did he feel this inadequacy, this desperate desire to do the child justice, and the crippling certainty that he never would?

Ben’s jaw was constantly clenched during his infancy as a free man, and the effort of it tugged and stretched at the scar that gaped across his face, trailed down to his chest, and the way his shoulders tensed pulled at that wound even further. He was really free, not under Snoke’s influence, not running from the First Order, not in a cell. Just free. But this freedom didn’t make his spirit feel any lighter.

He couldn’t quite settle in or quiet himself, and he channeled his frantic energy into helping Rey train the young Force-sensitives--Taia and Leto, Adi and Rafa, Cash and Letti. There were a few younger ones who weren’t quite ready for intensive training yet. As for the six who were, they proved apt and teachable, willing to learn and eager to be formed. Rey taught them the graceful, calming exercises and skills with the Force that she’d gleaned from her time with Luke and the Jedi texts, and Ben supplied whatever she missed--lore and history, things he’d discovered himself in his years of tutelage under Skywalker and Snoke. Their combined knowledge synthesized into something that wasn’t quite the Jedi, but it certainly wasn’t driven by the Dark.

Although, plenty of these children pulsed with that more sinister side of the Force. Rey and Ben didn’t shy away or suffocate those temptations; rather, they encouraged each student to confront that darkness, learn their paths of temptation, and deal with whatever wounds that called them there. It was something Ben never had, and he was determined to help these young ones navigate the complex terrain of burgeoning power. And Rey trusted him to do so. Ben even began training others on the Base in combat skills, especially the family members of the Force users Rey had collected--siblings and parents who wanted to fight.

But still, despite these outlets, he felt restless and gloomy. The only thing that granted him reprieve--the only person--was Rey, and he couldn’t quite look at her without being swept up in his simultaneous fear and thrill at his impending fatherhood.

“Are you alright?” Rey asked one night as he sat up in bed. His skin was gleaming with a strange mix of sweat and moonlight.

“I’m fine,” he responded lightly.

She tapped gently at his mind in the Force, but he kept up the slightest of walls, letting her in a little, but not all the way. “You don’t seem fine,” she said. She sat up next to him, leaning back against the headboard. She wore only a thin nightshirt, and the roundness of her stomach was impossible to miss. He could hardly look away from it. He leaned to his side and brought his hand to her abdomen, rubbing circles over it, then he caught her mouth with his own, kissing her in a somber, intense sort of way. She brought her hand to his shoulder and deepened the kiss, both of them falling back down onto the bed. For a while, the only sounds in the dark room were whispering sheets and their lips moving in tandem. But when Ben began to tug at her shirt, she stopped him, seeming to come to her senses.

“Are you trying to distract me?” she joked, but her eyes were serious.

“Perhaps,” he said. “Or perhaps you’re simply impossible to resist.” He aimed for lightness but knew he sounded entirely too sad.

“I think we established that long ago,” she quipped with a tap to his nose, and he felt the same struggle for levity in her. “What’s on your mind?” asked Rey, brows knit, and she rested her head on the solid plane of his chest.

“I don’t want to burden you.”

“And I don’t want you to shut me out. Will you refuse me?”

“Yes,” he rasped.

“Ben,” she pleaded, tugging his chin down with the Force so that he’d look at her.

“Am I capable of this?” he said after a long pause, finally admitting to his insecurity. “Of being a father? I end up hurting everything I love.” His voice was choked and ragged.

Rey’s pause was enough to drive the wedge of doubt further into his brain. “That’s not true,” she assured him, but her comfort did nothing to dispel his anxiety.

“You’re lying. You know it is. I’ve hurt you more than anyone.”

“And I’ve hurt you, too. And I’ll hurt you again. And you’ll hurt me again. It’s almost impossible to love without hurting.”

“Shouldn’t it be easy?” he wondered, voicing a question that had nagged him since childhood, anytime Leia and Han erupted in an argument.

“Maybe,” she said, “And maybe it has been hard, but nothing has ever been as easy for me as loving you, Ben. I tried not to. And I know you tried not to love me. But here we are.”

Ben was silent. He pulled Rey closer to his side, and her stomach rested over his, their legs intertwined.

“I’m afraid too,” Rey admitted. “I’m afraid I’ll fail miserably at being a mother. I’m afraid I’ll lose myself and my purpose. How am I supposed to be a Jedi knight and a mother? Fighting a war will always be dangerous. How am I supposed to bring a child into this world when I might end up abandoning her just like I was? If we die and leave her orphaned with no one to take care of her?”

Ben’s heart stopped momentarily. “Her?” he whispered.

Rey flinched. “I don’t know why I said that. It just felt right.”

Ben reached out to their baby in the Force and felt its presence; it was swimming in Light, and the Force wrapped around it like a protective cocoon. Wrapped around _her_. He reached and pulled back those layers like a peel, and he could see her face for a brief flash, a vision of the future, one that was eerily similar to the hazy image he’d seen when he and Rey had touched hands. The two of them, but this time there was a third, and she was a tiny little girl who looked startlingly like Rey, but with Ben’s dark features. He was breathing heavily when the vision ended, and he hadn’t realized tears had fled his eyes until they dripped from his chin.

“We won’t abandon her,” Ben said fiercely. Their mouths were close enough to mingle their breaths, and Ben was growing far too attached to breathing Rey in. “I’d rather burn this whole damn Resistance to the ground than abandon her.”

He felt Rey about to protest, but then she stopped. “Me too,” she confessed.

“And you don’t have to have any doubts about being a good mother. You have a soft heart, Rey, no matter how hard the galaxy has fought to rob you of it.” Ben balled his hand into a fist at her back, so fiercely did he believe what he spoke. “You don’t have to choose between being a Jedi and being a mother.” His face twisted with the intense fervor he poured into his words. “Because you’re _not_ in this alone. I’m here. And so is Rose, and Chewie and my mother, Finn _and_ Poe. So many people care about you, and unless we all die, our little girl will be loved. She’ll always belong.” _Like we never did_. The phrase didn’t need to be spoken; it was stitched into his pauses, into his breath.

Rey tucked herself even tighter against Ben’s body, and he brought his arms around her like a shield, like if he could just encase her in himself, no bad thought could touch her.

“I want to believe you. I’ll try.”

“Didn’t Luke ever give you that clever aphorism of his?” Ben teased as he pressed a greedy kiss to her neck.

Rey gasped. “He told you too?”

“The man’s not exactly original,” Ben rolled his eyes, but he was too distracted by Rey’s soft skin to fully commit to his derision.

“‘Do. Or do not. There is no try,’” Rey quoted. “He made it sound so easy. I feel like my whole life has just been trying and trying.”

“You know, his master told him the same words. And he took them just about as well as you. Or so he told me.” Ben’s gut sank at the thought. He hadn’t communed with Luke’s Force ghost in some time, and the wound of his uncle was a jammed drawer that wouldn’t shut no matter how hard he slammed and slammed. “I think it’s about a leap of faith,” he said softly through the onslaught of bittersweet memories. “Setting a course and trusting that it’s in your power to actualize it. To simply ‘try’ is to allow yourself an easy way out. But ‘doing’ requires something greater.”

Rey was silent. She seemed to ruminate on the words, roll each one over her tongue to test the taste of it. Finally she took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders. “I guess I’ll choose to believe you then.”

“Alright,” he whispered against her shoulder.

“Alright,” she said back in a low exhale, and already her chest was beginning to rise and fall in an even cadence as sleep began to claim her.

Ben thought her calm would seep into him as it usually did when he held her in his arms late at night. As he lay entwined with her in this space that was _theirs_ , their haven from war and politics and the harsh glares of judging eyes. Gritting his teeth once again, Ben forced himself to still, forced his eyes closed. But sleep wouldn’t come. Something intrinsic to him, in that space between his muscles and his bones, felt like it was fraying, and the steadiness of Rey only made him feel like he was unraveling faster. Every beat of her heart made him more and more terrified of losing her, of anything happening to her or their baby. The thought of it made him pull her closer against his chest, his abdomen.

For the first time in perhaps months, Ben felt the faintest, tickling whisper of that part of the Force that was becoming a stranger. The Dark. _Damn that insidious presence_ , he thought. Want something badly enough, and the darkness will trickle through one’s cracks. And though he wanted to shove it away, the vision of what it could offer him burned so brightly, lured him closer even though he knew it would scorch him to touch it. A vision of Rey and their daughter, alive and well. A vision won through chaos and death and destruction—no First Order, no Resistance, just them. Just like this room. The three of them alone in their own little universe, a solitude of his making. He felt himself reaching, reaching, tiptoeing, longing to taste.

 _No_ , his mind roared, and his entire body contracted at the force of his own command. _No_ , he said again, slamming shut that minuscule crack in his heart that tempted so subtly, so sensually. He held Rey tighter and shook slightly, feeling ill at the effort this resistance required. But resist, he did.

 _For the baby,_ he thought, like a mantra. _For Rey._ The darkness tried to use them to claim him, but he wouldn’t let them become bargaining chips in some cosmic battle for his soul. No, he knew how that story ended. It ended in tragedy. It ended in misery and death and the decimation of real love. Had Anakin taught him nothing?

No: in this moment, Ben Solo turned away from the Dark. He traced his hand over Rey’s bare arm and let her own Light seep into him until he felt strong enough to feel his own—the Light that blazed in him, that always had.

Finally, Ben fell into a restful, heavy sleep.

-

“Straighten your spine,” Rey commanded, giving a brief _tap-tap_ with a light surge of the Force on Rafa’s back. The young man was sixteen, and his eyes kept wandering to Letti, who was his same age, distracting him from the focus required for their task. Rey caught Taia rolling her eyes at them, saw her physically scoot the diversion away as her lids dropped gently down with a deep breath. Taia’s skill at meditation far outranked the other students’, and Rey’s chest ballooned with pride at her progress. She unthinkingly placed a hand on her abdomen. When she caught herself, she did nothing. It was no use trying to hide her pregnancy anymore; she was now more than six months along, and the size of her stomach was no longer something she could attribute to a big lunch.

“Bring to mind the doubt that won’t leave you alone,” Ben said as he paced and laced through the two rows of students. “We all have one. Don’t push it away; let it burn and sting you, just for now. Just here. What if that doubt were true?” he prompted. “Let yourself imagine it. Who would you be? Would you still be worth anything? Would life matter?” Rey couldn’t help but let herself be led through the meditative exercise. _What if I really have no place in all this?_ This was the doubt that had plagued her all her life. _What if love isn’t enough?_ A doubt that sprang to life when Ben careened into her life. _What if the Resistance means nothing?_ The doubt that took shape when they shackled Ben and refused to believe in his atonement. _What if I don’t have the heart of a mother?_ The doubt that grew in tandem with her expanding belly. No matter how many times or ways she had reassured herself of their falsehood, they always wound up creeping back into her consciousness.

Ben looked at her with knit eyebrows, but he kept speaking in that even, soothing voice. “You’ve confronted the doubt. Now face the truth. This truth is different for each of you. Search for that Light, the sliver of it that lives just on the other side of that doubt, that dark thought. Seize that truth, claim the light. Let it wash over the doubt. Picture it dissolving. Not suffocating… evaporating.”

And Rey did just that. She felt herself getting lost in the sound of his voice, as if the vibrations in his throat were coursing through her veins, and her eyes slid shut, unbidden, falling into meditation though she hadn’t planned to. And just as he said, she found the light beneath those dark thoughts. The truth that the lies had wrapped around like a coiling snake disguised as a lover. But gently, gradually, that coil unwound, disintegrated in flakes of molting skin, and her chest felt lighter.

“Now breathe,” he said. “Breathe in the light, and come back to the surface.” Soon, all of the students opened their eyes, all looking slightly dazed and content. “This isn’t a one-time thing,” he said in a voice that sounded far more like Ben and less like a teacher. “These doubts won’t go away forever. Perhaps they’ll be with you for the rest of your life. But that doesn’t mean you stop fighting them.”

“Do you still fight them, Master Solo?” Adi asked, a young Twi’lek girl.

“Every day,” he responded, his voice thick and hoarse with pain and sincerity.

The children looked at him silently with something that toed the line between awe and fear. There was a long beat of silence, which Rey finally broke.

“Good work, everyone,” she said. “I’m proud of you. This isn’t easy, not for anyone. We’ll see you after dinner for combat training,” Rey instructed. They all nodded eagerly and scurried out of the room--a wide, open space which the Resistance had designated for Force training.

A cough sounded from one of the doorways. Rey hadn’t seen her there, but Admiral Ellona Sweet was at the door, watching them with blatant admiration, a small smile on her kind, round face.

“That was impressive. Beautiful, even,” she said, crossing over to the two of them as they drank water from their shared canteen.

“They’ve grown so much,” Rey said proudly. “But they’re hurting--all of them.”

“To be expected,” Sweet said. “A hard age, and even harder amidst a war. I imagine it’s not easy balancing all of that with an unfamiliar power to grapple with on top of it all.”

“Not many are so understanding,” Ben commented wryly.

“I’ve seen much,” Sweet said. “They’re lucky to have you. Both of you. A guiding presence to help them flourish. Sometimes that’s all one needs.”

Rey’s heart loosened. “Thank you, Admiral. It’s nice to have your support,” she said, infusing every word and the look in her eyes with deep sincerity.

“Ellona,” she said. “Please call me Ellona. I almost feel dehumanized when I’m simply called by my title!”

“Understood,” Rey said with a nod of approval. “That’s the way of epithets, isn’t it? _Some people_ , not pointing fingers, like to call me the Scavenger. Talk about dehumanizing,” she said with a derisive laugh.

Ellona looked like she didn’t quite know how to react. Rey had become quite blase with her heavy past, and she knew it made people uncomfortable. But Ben shared her twisted humor. “I think it’s quite romantic, don’t you? Endearing.” He smiled, his mouth spreading into that grin that never failed to make her stomach stir with longing and affection.

“You two are strange,” she observed with a shake of her head. “No wonder you make people nervous.”

“Do we?” Rey said, genuinely taken aback. “Still?” Ben didn’t look bothered, but the comment twisted into Rey.

“I shouldn’t gossip,” Ellona said quickly, clearly regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth. “Everyone sees the good you’re doing.”

“I’m sure they do,” Ben said with an even, cutting tone. But Rey could feel his defenses fly up. Not for his own ego, she realized, but for Rey’s. She saw the way he surveyed her--knew he could sense her unease and disappointment.

“I only mean--” Ellona stammered. Rey saw remorse in the woman’s dark brown eyes, saw it in the way her hand twisted through her graying hair. “I don’t mean to make you feel ostracized. Really. Please forgive me.”

Rey paused for a long moment. And doubt crept into her heart, despite Ben’s voice which had shielded her just minutes ago. But then she remembered Ellona in the command room, pleading Ben’s case, speaking with passion about light, redemption, forgiveness. “Of course,” Rey said. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” She let the fear roll off of her. Ben still looked as bristly as his facial hair, which he still hadn’t shaved despite his freedom. She mentally elbowed him through the Force, a fun little trick she’d learned recently.

“Forgiven,” he said immediately.

“Thank you,” Ellona exhaled. “I am truly on your side. I want you to know that.”

“I know you are,” Ben assured her. “My mother spoke of your support from the first. It hasn’t gone unnoticed. Excuse us for being wary.”

“It’s to be expected,” she replied. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend to. I hope to see you soon. And, Ben,” she added with urgency, “I’m fighting for you. For greater liberties. Soon, dear. Soon.”

“Thank you,” said Rey as Ellona slipped away, though the thought of Ben having the freedom to wander the galaxy made her feel more empty than grateful.

-

“ _No_ ,” Captain Zev Flora seethed. “Absolutely not. That man is not to be trusted.”

“Pardon me, Captain, but you’re being an absolute jackass,” Poe commented. Finn was taken aback at his candor. He thought these officer meetings would be conducted with formality, but now that he was a Captain he was beginning to doubt that the Resistance cared half as much as the First Order had about ceremony. He looked at Rose beside him and widened his eyes, and she smirked slightly.

Captain Flora looked like he’d been struck across the face. “Excuse me?” he squeaked.

“You heard me. You’re being a jackass.”

Flora began sputtering, his mouth twisting with annoyance. “I’m appalled that you would treat such matters so flippantly, Commander.”

“Ben Solo has proven himself time and time again,” Poe said ardently. Finn could hardly believe the words were coming from his mouth. “He deserves to fight. Imagine wanting to help but being unable to do anything?”

“He’s already doing something,” Commander Veruna said. “He’s helping train the Jedi.”

“A privilege he barely earned,” Flora said under his breath.

“He’s doing a fine job,” Veruna responded evenly. She never lost her cool; that’s something Finn noticed immediately upon observing the woman. “But how do we know he’s ready to do more?”

“He’s willing to die for Rey; he’ll never betray the cause as long as she’s here,” Finn said, daring to speak for the first time since he was promoted to captain. He was almost surprised Rose hadn’t chimed in, but she seemed to be seething and stirring.

“Then why doesn’t she go with? Keep him accountable?” said a man whose name Finn did not know. How was it that in this small group of fighters there were still people he didn’t know?

“Are you blind?” Rose spat, finally breaking her silence.

“She’s quite obviously pregnant, you fool,” Admiral Sweet snapped at him.

The room grew silent. When Rey had told Finn and Poe, they had fallen silent just like that. They had both felt the heavy weight of all that it meant, and immediately something in Finn roared in resistance. But he didn’t let it show. He had kept his face even, swallowing the news until he could reply with joy for Rey. And Poe had done the same. Their private conversations were a different matter, but he’d never let Rey in on those. The shock, the fleeting disgust, the begrudging acceptance and eventual genuine excitement. And now he felt nothing but anticipation and protection whenever the growing little daisy was brought up. It was the feeling of springtime, one he’d only recently discovered on Naboo. The anticipation of flowers about to bloom, life about to burst. But those light, fuzzy sentiments were far from his mind right now as his primal need to _defend_ reared its head.

“She’s not going anywhere,” he seethed. “And if anyone has anything to say about it you can take it to Rey herself.” He had meant it as a threat, and judging by the gulps in the room, they were smart enough to recognize Rey’s power.

“Absolutely,” the same man said. “Of course.”

Flora just wouldn’t let the matter drop. “How are we to trust a man whose only tie to morality is fallible human woman? A human woman to whom something could happen at any moment?”

“Rey is safe and healthy,” Leia finally cut in, speaking for the first time that meeting. “And she is not Ben’s only tie to the light. If you’d open your eyes, you’d see. And Poe’s right. I know you’re a good man, Flora. So stop acting like a garbage pit.”

Captain Flora was silenced momentarily, but then he continued in a choked voice. “My son was at that Jedi temple.” Finn’s mouth went dry.

Leia met his eyes in an even stare. “And Ben has accepted responsibility for his sins. He has suffered for them, and still does.” She kept speaking in a gentle tone, laced with firm confidence. “Nothing will ever suffice as reparation for that loss. But you must know, greater forces were at work than we could possibly understand that night. Do you believe in the light, Captain Flora? Do you believe in redemption?”

He stared at her, unspeaking, for a long while. Finn saw water building around the rims of the man’s eyes. “I do,” he finally managed. “But how can I know? How can I ever forgive him?” There was some layer of heaviness in his voice that Finn couldn’t quite grasp.

“Forgiveness does not require reconciliation, Zev,” she said, and Finn saw him exhale at the familiarity. “Choose it, no matter how much it hurts. It is a burden, but one that will only grow the more you punish Ben for something that can never be undone. Why cause more suffering?”

“He took my son from me!” Zev practically shouted. “He corrupted him!”

 _That’s new_ , Finn thought. Flora’s son, a Knight of Ren?

Leia swallowed hard, as if something had fallen into place. “He’s not lost, Zev.” Was she referring to Ben, or did she mean the Captain’s son? Perhaps both, Finn concluded.

“The time for personal vendettas is done, my friends,” Admiral Sweet spoke gently to the room, breaking the strange spell that had spun between Leia and Zev Flora. “Ben Solo walks free.”

“Seconded,” said Poe resolutely, followed by a chorus of the same word from nearly every mouth in the room, including Rose’s, including Finn’s own.

And with that, Ben Solo was officially unbound by order of the Resistance. He was free.

-

Rey stared at him with heavy, hooded eyes in the dark, late night shadows. They were tucked away into a large closet just past the dining hall, and the sounds of joy and merriment made her feel sick to her stomach. Though, she was often sick to her stomach these days. Some victory at the moons of Bespin, taking down First Order supply freighters. People celebrated with drink and dancing and laughter, but Rey felt distant. She hardly had the energy to care about such big matters when even the smallness of her own life felt so fragile. So flimsy. She only wanted to hold it and cherish it, protect it, but it kept slipping through her fingers. It refused to be held still.

“Don’t go,” she begged, unable to bring herself to touch him. If she touched him, the moment would shatter. He would certainly disappear.

“I have to, Rey,” he urged, voice raw and insistent. “I have to prove myself to them.” He said it with a steady stoicism, but she felt the insecurity beneath his words, fading in and out like the pattern of veins that snaked across his pale skin, clear and sharp for one beat, then hidden again in the next breath.

“Please,” she said, forcing the sobs to the bottom of her gut, refusing to let them break through. “I can’t lose you.”

“I once asked the same of you,” he said lowly, and she felt the way he recalled his time in captivity, trapped in a cell while Rey flew across the galaxy. For a moment she was tempted to think of her womb as her own personal prison, but she was flooded with guilt the moment the thought took shape. Her little girl was worth the temporary sacrifice of heroism. Maybe there was something heroic in abandoning her pride for the care of the daughter she had come to choose--to love--above any cause or battle. But she wasn’t quite ready to sacrifice Ben, too.

“This is different,” she paused. “She needs her father.”

“And she’ll have him. I will come back to you. I promise.”

“Again with the promises,” she said through tears, finally allowing herself to reach for him. It started with a gentle caress of the face, but in an instant he had pulled her flush against him.

“I already told you, that’s what--”

“--Solos do,” she finished for him, shaking her head lightly despite the aching heaviness of her heart. “I’ve had quite enough of that.”

“I mean it, Rey.” He met her eyes directly, evenly, despite the shaking of his voice. She brought her thumb to his scar. No longer did it bring her any sort of regret at their once searing enmity. She was glad she had marked him. He was hers. His mouth twisted, half snarl, half smile. “I’ll come back to you. To both of you.”

She tore her eyes from him and burrowed her face against his chest. She could hardly speak through the aching in her lungs. “You better,” she finally managed. And neither of them returned to the party.

-

“Watch your flank!” Rose called. Ben dove out of the way of a blaster shot and froze it midair, sending the bolt pummeling back into a trooper. _Always the damn flank_ , he cursed at himself. If only Rey had been there; if only they could fight together. He felt somehow incomplete without her beside him on the battlefield.

“We need to get to shelter!” Poe shouted through their communicators. Ben had no idea where the Commander was amidst the near suffocating greenery of Endor, but he had learned weeks ago not to question the man’s instincts and directives.

“There’s a cave not far from here,” Finn said through a crackly connection. “Head east until you hit the river, then it’s a straight shot.”

Ben bit his lip and clenched his fist. He wasn’t done here. He knew the best course of action was to listen to Poe, to regroup with the rest of the Resistance fighters. But something in him longed to feel the crunch and crack of using the Force to snuff out an enemy. He began whipping and thrusting his arms in perfunctory movements, striking down a trooper with each motion. His blood sang with the ease of it; it had been so long since he’d been in a real fight, where his life was on the line. He’d only gone on simple misions--searching for more Force users in the far reaches of the galaxy, gathering intel in seedy cantinas. Han Solo would’ve been proud. He thanked the maker for the anonymity he had on account of the mask he had always donned before. But still his mind was wracked with questions of Rey’s condition, and he found himself scarcely able to complete a task without reaching out to her in the Force. Despite his yearning, unsettled heart, this new mission was different. The chase and fight of it all gave him a strange, euphoric energy.

He retreated slightly, realizing the troopers were flooding towards him faster than he could keep up with, and he searched for cover. He thought of Rey immediately, and the time they’d fought off an entire retinue with no warning. He hadn’t intended to, but their Bond had grown so much that it took almost no effort for them to connect. Their eyes connected briefly, just a flash, barely more than a blink, but it was enough to distract him. He was struck down in an instant, cut off by a sharp pain to his calf. He stumbled and fell, desperately grasping at the muddy, crumbling earth to try and right himself. He stopped whatever blaster bolts he could, but something about their shots struck him as odd. None of them were aimed at his head, nor his chest. They shot all around him, at his extremities, nothing vital.

Finally, a stunner landed a blow to his stomach, and all he could see was black.

-

When Ben came to, his hands were shackled. He reached for the Force, but the simple internal motion caused blinding pain to shoot through his body. Staring back down at his cuffs, he recognized them--realized they had Force dampening capabilities.

He squirmed and struggled in the cramped space of his transport ship. Panic rose in his chest and he could hardly breathe. _Rey_ , he thought desperately, but her identity was so tied up with the Force in him that even thinking of her caused painful rushes of electricity to seize his every muscle. His stomach twisted as he realized just how much pain was in his future, for thought of Rey was just about as inseparable from him as his own skin.

He wasn’t quite aware of his surroundings, but soon a rumbling shook the transport pod and a pneumatic hiss filled the air.

And through the fog of landing came a familiar sight. Her chillingly blue eyes pierced him nearly as sharply as the shocking sting of his shackles, and her hair shone with a gloss so distinct that it almost looked preternatural. Heels rapped crisply as she approached his side with a sinister smile. It was Lady Lilelis Ketmore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the wait!! But I wanted to give you a complete chapter, and GET YOU TO THE NEXT LEG OF THE STORY. MEEEEEEEEEP we're nearing the climax, folks. BUCKLE THE FRICK IN. I am so appreciative of all of your comments and love. They really do help me keep writing! Also, this chapter is dedicated to SARAH. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I APPRECIATE YOU. Hugs and kisses to everyone!


	25. Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey refuses to let anyone stand in her way.

“Rey, Rey wake up!” said a panicked voice as hands shook her shoulders gently.

“What’s happening?” she whispered. Captain Kaydel Ko Connix’s face swam into her foggy vision. Rey’s mind felt hazy. Something deep inside her ached--not physically, but it felt as though one of her senses had been clawed and hacked savagely from her body. She had felt this before.

“You started screaming,” Kaydel said, placing a cautious hand under her neck to prop her up. “Then you passed out.”

Her head hurt. But her thoughts started to sharpen, and visions came flooding in. Ben on the ground, a wound in his leg that she felt acutely in her own. She remembered doubling over in panic and calling for help, shrieking for Leia, for anyone.

And then he was ripped away from her. She felt it happening, though she could not see it--though the Force hadn’t shown her. Felt as he was stunned unconscious. Felt as their Force Bond was silenced and torn out of her. What had happened? Where was he taken? Who did this? Her chest was writhing, and she could hardly breathe. In fact, she couldn’t--her lungs wouldn’t work. She gripped her neck and forced air into her throat, forced her lungs to expand. But when they finally did, she began hyperventilating. _What is happening where is he who did this_ , the thoughts spun faster than her brain could handle. _Won’t come back won’t come back won’tcomeback_ , spat her heart. Then suddenly, the world was black.

Panic started rising in her again as she stared at Kaydel’s heavy-lidded eyes.

“Rey,” she said, “breathe. Sit up.” Rey tried to listen. When she couldn’t, Kaydel handed her a cup of something warm and brown and pulled her into a seated position. “Drink.”

“What is it?” asked Rey, taking the cup by the handle and gazing in. She saw her reflection in the liquid’s surface and swirled it around. She ignored her haggard appearance and took a deep breath of the steam that rose into her face. It smelled of honey and cinnamon and warmth.

“Tea,” Kaydel replied.

Rey steadied herself against the other woman and took a long draught of the tea. She felt the heat hit her chest and spread like syrup.

“It’s Ben,” Rey finally said, forcing panic down, making herself take another sip.

“We just got word from the others on the mission. They said he never came to their rendezvous point. Do you know something?”

“He was attacked. Abducted, I’m sure. I heard Troopers--it must be the First Order. Something’s happening to him; I can’t feel him in the Force anymore,” she said, rushed.

Kaydel’s face fell, and her already serious face looked even more solemn. “Oh maker,” she cursed in a whisper. She hastily brought her communicator to her mouth. “General, come in.”

“What is it?” Leia’s voice crackled out the small gray device. She sounded composed but Rey heard the terror lurking just underneath.

“He was abducted,” she said, and Rey was almost shocked at Kaydel’s pained expression. “It’s the First Order. Rey can’t feel him.”

Leia was silent for a weighty stretch. “Understood. Thank you, Captain.” The communication ended with a perfunctory scratch-beep. Rey was reeling. And still her mind echoed and pounded with _won’t come back won’t come back._ She felt paralyzed and hollow.

“Is that unusual?” Kaydel asked, brows knit.

“What?”

“Do you normally feel him?”

“Always,” Rey breathed out in a strangled whisper. Apart from the time he’d cut himself off from the Force, there hadn’t been a moment since their minds first touched that she hadn’t felt his presence, whether or not she was aware of it.

Kaydel blinked. “They’ll find him. I know they will.”

“They?”

“Finn, Rose, and Poe. They’re already trying to track him down. They’ve been searching since they were attacked.”

“They’ll never find him,” Rey said, her brain buzzing with electricity as a plan began forming. “Never. I have to go, I have to save him.”

“Rey--” Kaydel began.

“No,” she spat out, pushing the captain away. “Don’t even try,” Rey said, rising and rushing and nearly running to the command room. She felt a feral, frantic rage building with every step she took.

She stormed in--into the middle of an officer’s meeting. All eyes snapped to her. Someone placed a hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off. “Don’t touch me!” she snarled. She turned her head slightly and saw that the comforting touch came from Admiral Sweet, and a wedge of guilt pressed into her chest. But the thought of Ben wounded and broken made the fleeting feeling evaporate.

“Rey,” Leia said in a gentle but commanding tone. “You should lie down.”

“No,” Rey sputtered. “Don’t treat me like a child. I have to go. I have to do something.”

“What on earth can you do? He probably returned to the First Order himself--who’s to say he hasn’t been planning this the whole time?” said a man whom she still didn’t know, but had only ever treated her with contempt.

“How _dare_ you?” Rey seethed, stepping towards him with a raised hand. He cowered before her, and she felt the Force almost begging her to throw angry tendrils around his throat. Her teeth ground together, and her face twisted into a fierce scowl. But she dropped her arm to her side. “I can find him; I’m sure of it,” Rey finally said, chest rising and falling in hard-won breaths.

“You can’t,” Leia said cautiously, a hint of anger, a hint of protection. “You’re eight months pregnant. It’s too dangerous, Rey.”

“Please,” Rey begged, and she dashed away the wetness on her cheeks.

Leia crossed the room to her side. “We’re doing everything we can, Rey. I will not let them take him away when I’ve _just_ gotten him back. I’ll find him.”

Rey fell against Leia and sobs began to gnaw at her lungs. She couldn’t force them down.

“Shh,” Leia cooed. “It’s okay.”

“It hurts,” Rey managed to whisper.

“The baby?” Leia asked, panicked.

“No--the Force. Wherever they’ve got him, he’s cut off from the Force. And it hurts.” It was excruciating, and with every single movement she felt like she was moving through molasses. As if existing on her own, without him inside her skin, was unnatural.

“I’ll get him back,” Leia promised. She squeezed Rey one last time, then straightened her own shoulders. “And to do so, this meeting will have to continue. I’m sorry, Rey, but you have to leave. Go take a bath, love. Ellona, would you take her to her room?”

“Of course,” the Admiral replied gracefully.

Rey nodded in a dazed sort of way and allowed Leia to pass her off to Sweet, who began leading her from the room and through the hallways.

“Rey,” Ellona whispered.

“Hm?” Rey said lazily, feeling distant from her own body.

“I’ll help you.”

Rey snapped alert. “What?”

“I’ll help you save him.”

“You will?” she said in disbelief. A relieved excitement seized her.

“I believe in you; I’ve seen you two--living and training. Your connection is powerful, and if anyone can find him it’s you.”

Rey’s breath quickened. But then something like fear crept in, and her hand rested on her stomach. Would this endanger the baby? _But how can I raise her without Ben?_

In that moment, she felt the tiniest flicker in some place deep within her, in the primordial space where the Force lived inside her, the place where her Bond with Ben dwelled. Just a nudge--the smallest shift, coupled with a fierce shock. The relief she felt in that brief moment nearly knocked her over, but just as quickly it left, leaving her once again in agony. The brief succession of feelings happened within the space of a heartbeat, but it gave her an answer. Her need for him trumped her caution. She’d be careful. She’d protect her baby, and she’d save Ben. “Okay,” Rey barely croaked. “Okay,” she repeated louder when she found her voice.

Ellona’s kind brown eyes grew with determination. “Let’s go get him back.”

-

 _Ben_ , she murmured with a laugh. Rey’s hand trailed over his face, down the length of his arm. She leaned over, and her smile was so bright that it hurt to look at. He wanted to reach up to her, to pull her down beside him and plant tender kisses all along her skin. Ben extended his hand to her and felt the Force automatically warming his fingertips. _Rey._

Immediately a painful shock coursed throughout his body, tearing him from this peaceful, euphoric oblivion. His eyes snapped open, and he was plunged back into the the bleak reality of the present.

Above him stood Lili, and he shuddered as he realized that it was she who was touching him with gentle caresses. She who placed her hand on his face and arm as he lay unconscious. He recoiled.

“Ahh, Kylo, dear. Don’t be so shy,” she commented in a breathy voice. No one had called him that name for months, and it felt foreign and distasteful to his senses.

It took him a moment to ascertain his surroundings. Ben forced himself to recall the events that had brought him here. _After me,_ Lili had instructed the troopers who held him captive. Ben had begun to resist and thrash and fight with everything he had, apart from the Force. But Lili had simply nodded at the man who seized Ben, and immediately another stunning bolt had plunged him back into darkness.

Now he was in what looked to be a sitting room, and he was in a chaise lounge. It was oddly comfortable considering the shackles that bound his wrists. They were alone.

“Before you attempt to pummel me, do know that several troopers are just beyond that door. They’ll kill you the moment you stir,” she said in her crisp Coruscanti accent. “And I’d really rather that didn’t happen.” He had forgotten the way Lili made her words into a symphony; though one melodic sound came out, he could sense the way hundreds of instruments worked in her mind, picking just the right tune to present.

“Why not invite them in?” he inquired suspiciously.

“I wanted some privacy,” she said with an arched brow.

“I see.”

There was a long beat of silence.

“You’ve changed,” Lili observed, placing her hand on his bicep. “Even stronger. But more docile. Stable. I didn’t want to believe the rumors I’d heard. Kylo Ren, run off with a Jedi? But I can see she’s sunk her claws into you.”

“Don’t speak of her,” he snarled, and he could hardly stop the Force from surging through him, again instantly followed by agonizing waves of electricity.

Lili smiled strangely, just then. Mischievously. It made him feel sick with dread.

“I’m going to have so much fun with this.”

“What do you want?” Ben snapped. Rage bloomed in his chest, vicious and raw.

“Few know what you’ve done. Where you’ve gone. Hux told no one save myself of his plans--of course, I knew he’d fail. That was to be expected. But you--you surprised me.” Her eyes raked over his body, slow and careful. She paused at his lips, then pressed her finger against them. He saw the ways her pupils grew, and a grimace claimed his face. But Lili responded with a satisfied grin, as if she were a cat toying with her prey, delighted at his repulsion. He was disgusted, but he knew that her desire for him--which some part of him knew had always been there--was an advantage. “They all think the Resistance captured you. No one knew the truth; I made sure of it.” She leaned closer to him. “It didn’t take me long to learn. I have connections everywhere on Naboo.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Haven’t I made myself clear, Lord Ren?” she asked, placing a mocking sort of emphasis on that old title he’d made her use. “I know there’s still part of you that wants power. And the people still fear you enough to cow to your leadership.” She paused and pursed her lips slightly. “I want you.”

“You’re married,” he commented neutrally. He would not allow his face or voice to betray his thoughts, as they always tended to do.

She actually laughed at that. The sound of it was beautiful, as if she’d perfected it over years and years of tweaking and twisting. “He’s been dead for months. Before you even came to Naboo, silly boy.” Though she did not gaze at him like she would a boy. She sat down next to him on the chaise, in the small space that his body didn’t occupy, brushed his hair out of his face. “You should have seen how the First Order scrambled when not only you were gone, but Hux as well. It was so easy--I simply plucked it like a pomegranate seed. And it was just as sweet. Just as messy. But you know I never get my hands dirty. The officers practically begged me to take charge. Fools.”

“I always thought so,” Ben said with forced levity.

She hovered over him. “You will rule beside me.” Her voice wasn’t the unsettling, even tone of Force manipulation: it was the cool, low confidence of manmade power. Of a predator who has its meal backed into a corner with the utter certainty of victory. Her word was efficient and godlike--a single syllable acted like the blade of a guillotine. That voice had the power to wage war, to end lives, to spare them. To maim and torture, to feed and protect. And in it, he felt the seismic tremor of temptation--remembered what it was to be intoxicated by power, to be able to shape one’s own destiny by controlling the surrounding pieces.

“I won’t,” he replied firmly through his teeth.

Her hand flew to his cheek, but she didn’t slap him. She dug her nails into his skin, into his scar, and dragged along the jagged flesh. He refused to wince, but he felt the blood beginning to pool in that cavernous old wound. She leaned closer, so that her breath touched his lips. It was minty and sharp and almost cold. “We’ll see,” she whispered, and pushed herself away from him, then sauntered out of the room.

-

Rey’s heart pounded violently, providing an erratic rhythm to her strides that surged her forward. Purpose drove her step after step, and she hardly felt the bristly, tickling grass that rose above her knees and whispered against her skin.

“An intelligence report came through recently,” Ellona said through heavy breaths as the two women raced across the field towards Sweet’s personal starship. “It’s only a lead, but we should be able to find them. It’s not hard; just find the blood and follow the trail. Besides,” she added, “We have you.”

“Damn right we do,” Rey responded. She would find Ben. She had to. Her rib cage felt like it was being rent apart with how badly she needed to hold him, to know that he was safe, as if a little creature was trying to climb through her bones and make a home inside. That damn creature called hope. Called love.

They swiftly ascended the boarding ramp and Ellona worked frantically with the controls.

 _We have to leave now_ , Ellona had said. _Before anyone realizes we’ve gone. They’ll never let us go. They can’t know_. Rey didn’t even send word to Chewie. She knew this was hasty and reckless, but it was her only chance. And when she started running, she didn’t look back.

Before Rey could even think properly, the ship was taking off, sailing away from Lord Vand’s mansion, away from Naboo, and into the stars. She didn’t truly breathe until Sweet jumped into hyperspace. Rey braced herself against the wall; she spread her palm over the cool metal surface, and her head hung below her outstretched arm. She breathed, steadied, and reached. Still no Ben. Every now and then she would feel a tiny, quivering vibration. Just the briefest flash. But then it would vanish, and the pain would assault her once more. Right now, there was only emptiness. Only silence.

She closed her eyes for a long while. Her ache was so intense, her mind so distracted, that she didn’t hear Ellona approaching.

“Rey, sweetheart,” she said, “We’ll find him.”

Something about her intonation sat oddly with Rey. But she couldn’t parse out her own stormy emotions; it must be herself. It must be her disoriented, off-kilter state without Ben’s presence swimming in her blood.

“Will we?” Rey asked, eyes still closed.

“I’m certain.”

And suddenly, warning bells screamed through her mind. _Run_ it told her--the same voice that had saved her time and again on Jakku. But she was too slow to react--the chill in her bones hit too late. When her eyes snapped open, Sweet’s kindly face had sharpened into a ghoulish smile, her eyes like razors. Before she could even move, Admiral Ellona Sweet of the Resistance threw her hands up and froze Rey with the Force, thrust her wrists together, and clamped a set of shackles around them. The braces glowed with a strange bluish green, and before Rey could even process what was happening, she felt the Force flood from her body. When she tried to summon it, an agonizing electricity throbbed throughout every corner of her body, and she doubled over on the ground.

Rey stifled a scream and managed to croak, “What the hell--”

“Silence,” Sweet commanded.

And Rey’s mouth flew shut against her will.

“Foolish child,” the woman, now a stranger, commented in a cold, cruel voice.

 _How_ ? Rey’s mind screamed. _Why?_

Ellona’s eyes closed in an amused sort of exasperation. “You really didn’t know? I expected more from the so-called Last Jedi. I’ve hidden my relationship with the Force for years; I’m shocked it even fooled you. Even fooled the former Supreme Leader--Snoke’s final apprentice.”

 _Why?_ Rey repeated in a furious thought.

“A woman always needs a reason, doesn’t she? Can’t just desire power the way a man does. False, of course. It’s comical how pliable you all are--you who devote your lives to the light. To _hope_ ,” she said almost with disdain. Her voice still had that light, kind, singsong quality, which made her words all the more disturbing. “You’ll believe any warm aphorism someone feeds you. It was frighteningly easy to ingratiate myself. I was actually surprised how hard it was to get Kylo Ren free, to get him off planet. But political maneuvering is always less messy than abrupt action; that’s something men rarely ever know.”

 _She likes to reveal her cards_ , Rey thought before she could stop herself.

“Oh, dear--sweet, sweet Rey. Where you’re going, it doesn’t matter what you know. I simply love the look on your face far too much to cease explaining myself. Explaining your blindness, and Leia’s.”

_Where am I going?_

“Ha,” Ellona barked out. “Lili has special plans for you,” she said. “Special, indeed.”

Dread rose alongside the bile in Rey’s throat.

-

“Up,” said a burlish officer, poking Ben’s ribs with a club. “Follow me.”

Ben rose from the chaise. He thought to refuse, but he didn’t really see the point. He had nothing to gain, but everything to lose. So he listened. But beyond his mind, beyond the rationality that strove for survival, every cell longed to scorch and punch and slice. But he forced his body to remain still, apart from the long steps he took.

It couldn’t have been more than half an hour since she’d left him alone; apparently Lady Lilelis didn’t have much patience for those who disobeyed. For those who rejected.

Though Ben’s thoughts were racing, he tried to commit every inch of his path to memory. The ship was a standard First Order star destroyer, much like the _Supremacy_. It was silver and black with hard lines and industrial fumes in every corner. It smelled like metal, like winter, like war. The combination had a strange effect on him; this harsh atmosphere summoned a sense memory that made him feel like he was once again the scared, damaged man who had donned a mask and lived to serve a cruel, ancient master.

His breaths were coming in shallow as anxiety spread like a poison through his veins. He needed to center himself--needed a raft to keep him from drowning in these cold, stark corridors. Immediately hazel eyes came to mind, a soft face painted with tiny freckles from years and years in the sun, an angry face that twisted fiercely from focus, from fury. He couldn’t keep Rey out of his head, and he let the image of her soothe him, despite the way the thought of her made the Force simmer under his skin, activating the shock of his shackles. He didn’t care. The pain was worth it. He needed her; even the thought of her was enough to keep him from spiraling. The spasms that seized him were harrowing--punishing. But he didn’t let his body crumple. He kept walking, kept moving, kept following the storm trooper. And he kept thinking of Rey.

He thought of the first time he sensed her, beyond the fluctuations in the Force that had haunted him and alerted him to an awakening. No, he called to mind the first time he had truly felt her presence. _The droid was spotted heading west with a girl_ , a mechanical voice had sounded. His head snapped instantly in her direction, and there it was--there _she_ was. She was so loud in the Force, it nearly hurt him to feel her. The droid was all that mattered; finding Skywalker was all that mattered. But something tickled at the base of his neck, in his chest. _Curiosity_ , he knew, but didn’t let himself acknowledge it. He didn’t need any tracker to find her in the forest. He was already drawn to her, already pulled toward her like a magnet. She was swimming in light, he could feel it though he couldn’t yet see her. And he had always been treacherously tempted to that goodness, hadn’t he? Kylo Ren felt the way her power was blooming and blossoming, and though his hatred for Skywalker burned in his veins, he knew that this girl was far more interesting than any droid could be. He saw her blaster before he saw her face, and he was shocked when he prowled after her, as she fired shot after shot at him, which he deflected with ease. Her expression was so innocent--equal parts fury and fright. And there it was again, that tickling itch in the back of his mind--a part of him that had long laid dormant. He ignored it instead leaned into the dark feelings this underfed desert rat stirred in him, throwing up his arm and freezing her. His eyes raked over her form, both analytically assessing and indulging his interest. He took a step toward her, then another, until he was breathing her in. He sifted through her mind and was pierced with an impressed, intrigued sort of shock. The droid had shown her the map?

Kylo instantly formed a possessive sort of attachment to the girl. The moment he silenced her mind, robbed her of consciousness. The moment he scooped her up before she fell to the ground. The moment he cradled her and felt how light she was--how slight. Some part of him deep down stirred. He suffocated it. Licked his fingers and quelled that tiny little flame with a satisfying hiss. His hands gripped harder beneath her. He hated the way his heart pounded. When was the last time he had been this close to anyone? Touched anyone? The only contact he received were the harsh blows from Leader Snoke. Ones he deserved, of course, for contemplating the very things that stormed in him right now, with this scavenger against his body. As he entered his transport ship, he could feel the inquisitive stares of the surrounding stormtroopers. But they all remained straight-backed and silent. No one would dare question Kylo Ren.

Ben was lost in the memory, lost in remembering the ways she shook him to the core, even from the very beginning. It wasn’t love then. It was lust. Magnetic attraction. It was desire and curiosity and _something more_. Perhaps it was the unconscious recognition of destiny in this green Force user who wouldn’t stop tearing him apart, breaking down his barriers until she clawed the man in him away from the monster.

All the while, the torturous pain continued to scorch his insides, but still he wouldn’t let go of her. He felt faint and weak by the time he reached their destination, a pair of red doors. He could no longer stand when the trooper opened them--he collapsed to the ground and began convulsing, and only then did he stop thinking about Rey.

“What have you done?” Lili snapped at the trooper.

“Nothing, Supreme Leader!” the man said defensively. “He was following after me--nothing unusual until just now.”

The pain had subsided, but his body was still reeling from the utter anguish he’d just put himself through. Finally Ben opened his eyes, and he soon realized that he was in some sort of throne room. It wasn’t the hellish red of Snoke’s--it was a grayish color, almost a muted purple. Ben forced himself to keep breathing despite the way his lungs stabbed.

“What is the meaning of this?” Lili stepped over to him and pressed her pointed toe into his side, gently flipping him over so that he was forced to look at her from where he lay.

He said nothing.

“Using the Force is highly unwise.”

“It seems to be manageable,” he commented with a sputtering cough.

“You’ll kill yourself.”

“Fine.”

“Not the attitude I would anticipate from an expecting father.”

He flew to his feet and his hand seized Lili’s throat in a crushing grip as rage made his vision swim. Lili merely smiled. The trooper thwacked Ben in his back and pulled him from the Supreme Leader, and she chuckled as she rubbed her neck.

“If you want the child to live you might want to behave yourself.”

“What do you mean?” His voice was thick with panic, and he knew he shouldn’t give Lili the satisfaction of betraying his emotions, but he couldn’t help himself. When Lili was silent, fury again seized him. “Answer me!” he shouted desperately.

“You really think I wouldn’t know that she’s pregnant? I have eyes _everywhere_ , Kylo, even in the Resistance, even under your precious mother’s nose.” Ben could hardly breathe as she spoke, each word hitting him in the gut like a fresh blow. “Don’t worry. The Jedi and the child are safe. For now. Oh, look at that, they’re here!” she said with a frightening, barely subdued glee. “Just in time.”

Ben wanted to rip her apart, wanted to tear the hair from her scalp and pulverize her throat with his own hand. The trooper fought to keep him still, but Ben was seething and writhing and burning. If he hadn’t been so weak from those damn shackles he would tear the walls down around them.

-

When Rey came to, two men were pulling her, gripping her arms painfully. She was barely held upright; her feet dragged across the smooth, glossy floor.

“Ahh, she’s awake,” Ellona’s honey-sweet voice came from beside one of the men. “Welcome to the _Vanquisher_ , dear. Someone will be very happy to see you.”

Rey’s head lolled to the side. Her body ached with a faint echo of someone else’s pain. _Ben’s_ , she realized. Even through this barbaric technology, he managed to roar through into her system. Just a whisper, but enough to strengthen her despite her fear at whatever he was enduring. Despite the danger into which she had unwittingly plunged herself.

“Is he here?” Rey asked as she forced herself to meet Ellona’s eyes. “Is Ben here?” Her voice was hoarse and wretched. She must’ve been screaming when she was unconscious. She noticed the man at her left glance down at her through his mask; his hands softened slightly on her arm. She tried to survey him inconspicuously, and she noticed that his clothing was very similar to that of Ben when he had styled himself as Kylo Ren.

Knights of Ren, she realized. She was being dragged through the halls of the _Vanquisher_ by the Knights of Ren. She couldn’t prevent her heart from thumping painfully when she thought of how different Ben was from them, even before--how he’d carried her in his arms himself rather than cruelly lugging her across the Takodana terrain or pawning her off to some lackey.

“Yes, he is. I told you I was certain we’d find him didn’t I? I am a woman of my word,” Sweet said, as if she actually believed the words.

“Not much of a promise if you knew where he was the whole time.”

“Don’t get too comfortable, Rey. I have treated you as gently as I could, but the Supreme Leader will not be so merciful.” The thought of a new Supreme Leader chilled Rey. She felt sick. “You may not believe this,” Sweet continued, “but I want the same things as you. I want to guide and nurture the galaxy into something greater. It is chaotic, you must know that, you were once a starved little thing. We need order. The people need a strong guiding hand, just like you and your acolytes.”

“I’m nothing like you,” Rey spat.

“Hm. Perhaps not. But I don’t wish you harm. If you comply, no harm will come to you or your child. At least, not of your own doing. Kylo Ren, on the other hand. Well, let’s just hope he cooperates.”

And then realization began to sink in. She wasn’t sure _what_ they wanted from her. Her power, she had thought, or maybe they just wanted her as a bargaining chip, to quell the Resistance. But no, she’d still be a hostage. But it wasn’t the Resistance they were trying to control. Did they even see the Resistance as a threat? Sweet had so easily infiltrated the ranks, it wouldn’t shock her if they didn’t even bother with them. Rey was here to control Ben. To keep him in line. What they had planned for him, she had no idea. She guessed she’d find out soon enough.

“I hope he doesn’t,” Rey snarled at her.

Sweet shook her head slowly. “You say that now,” she said, “you stubborn thing. But you won’t feel that way if he ever does happen to misbehave. You may be able to handle the stress of our retaliation, but I can’t say the same for your child.”

Fury rushed and heaved within her, and she started fighting the grips of the two Knights. But they held her steady.

“Please,” Rey begged after she stopped squirming. “Please, she’s just a baby--not even born. Please don’t do this Ellona; I’m begging you.”

“It’s not me you have to convince,” she replied. “It’s your precious Ben.”

-

Lili’s hand rested on Ben’s arm, hooked underneath his elbow. They stood before the throne and faced the door. His heart pounded in a painful, volatile staccato. Ben was terrified, but part of his chest expanded with anticipation. He had to see her--had to know she was okay. He couldn’t feel her, and that lack ached more than anything. He wanted to incinerate the braces around his wrists. _I will_ , he resolved. _I will be free of these shackles, and I will tear this entire ship to shreds, and everyone in it._

The violent thought gave him a brief moment of release from his bone-deep disquiet.

Suddenly, the doors were opening, and Ben’s lungs froze. Admiral Sweet stepped in first, and betrayal lashed at him like a whip. But before he could even process the woman’s treachery, he was nearly knocked off of his feet with relief, for there she was. Whole, relatively unharmed, stepping into the room between two Knights of Ren. Ivan and Lothor, he registered. He tensed and relaxed in turbulent succession, oscillating between possessive fear and hopeful trust in the men who were once his brothers.

They released Rey from their grip, and Lothor tossed Rey to the ground. Just before she hit it, however, Ivan extended a hand, muffling her fall, allowing her to hit the ground gently, shifting her to her side so her stomach was protected. Ben glanced appreciatively at Ivan, and the man was already looking at him. Neither Lili nor Sweet noticed the mercy, but Ivan gave the slightest of nods, just a dip of his chin.

Ivan Ren had been there from the beginning; he’d been one of Ben’s closest friends at the Jedi Temple. Their parents had been so similar--living in the glory of the Rebellion, trying to spread peace in the war-torn galaxy. Sol Flora, his name had once been. His actions and choices had always been out of loyalty and righteous anger. He wasn’t all dark--never had been.

But the thought lasted in Ben’s head for barely more than one of his erratic heartbeats, for his eyes flew to Rey. He tried to move towards her, but Lili sunk her nails into his skin.

“Do it,” Lili commanded. And Lothor Ren thrust his hand at Rey--she began squirming and jerking and shrieking in agony.

Ben tried to push Lili away and dash to Rey, but the instant he showed any resistance, Rey’s convulsions grew more punctuated, her shrieks more harrowing.

“Stop this!” Ben wailed, the words coming from the bottom of his gut.

Lili smiled with satisfaction.

Ben fell to his knees before Lili. “Please,” he begged. His voice was nothing more than a strangled, ragged breath. She let it go on for another long moment, then she nodded at Lothor.

Rey curled into a ball on the ground. Ben couldn’t stop himself from rushing to her side, and this time no one stopped him. He crouched on the ground beside her, pulling her chin so that she was looking at him.

“Ben,” she whispered. “You’re okay.” Her eyes swam with tears, and he couldn’t tell if it was from the pain or from relief. But he knew it was both.

He brought his lips to hers in hurried, punctuated kisses, then to her cheeks, then her forehead. He encircled his arms around her. “I won’t let them hurt you. I’ll do whatever they say.”

“I don’t want you to,” she croaked, face twisting into a strained grimace. “But you have to. For her,” she said, putting her hand on Ben’s and placing it over her stomach.

Lili coughed. “That’s enough.”

Ellona raised her hands and forced them both into a standing position, facing the throne.

“Will you comply?” Lili asked Ben.

He felt like he might retch. His stomach ached with something beyond pain and fear. Something primal that sank and spread and seized.

He swallowed hard and forced himself to shoot a level glare at the Supreme Leader. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'm sorry this update took so long, dears! I'm doin' my best, but I've been really exhausted. Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait. You are all lovely. <3


	26. Isolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben struggle in their new calamity, but there is hope. And hope is the first step to victory.
> 
> Warning: there are some dub-con elements to this chapter (nothing too heavy, but it's there), so if that really bothers you, just be warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE:  
> I should tell you my fancasts for these OCs :)  
> Ivan Ren / Sol Flora - Dev Patel  
> Lothor Ren - Iwan Rheon  
> Lili - Cate Blanchett  
> Sweet - Sarah Paulson

A knock sounded on Rey’s cell door. It wasn’t a cell--not exactly. It was well-furnished with comfortable trappings and her own refresher. Her two new shadows, the Knights of Ren, had deposited her there after Ben had seethingly insisted she be placed somewhere comfortable. And Lili had begrudgingly granted this concession. This chamber was the nicest, most expensive, spacious place she had ever stayed in her entire life, but she wouldn’t lie to herself. It was a cage.

“Come in,” she said. Not that she had a choice.

And in stepped the woman herself. Lili. Why had she even bothered knocking?

“Little Jedi,” Lili said. She reminded Rey of a spider, spinning silky webs with her words that enticed one close with their glittering colors and enchanting shapes, only to devour the captive listener whole. Rey felt entirely like a trapped fly. “You’re much prettier than I thought you’d be.”

“You flatter me,” Rey responded with biting sarcasm.

The woman’s eyes sparkled, and she stepped closer to Rey, entering her personal space. Rey felt like she was being examined, evaluated. Lili’s eyes traveled from her toes, up and along her body. They settled on her protruding belly.

“So round,” Lili commented, then reached out her hand, placing it upon the place that lay just above the little baby growing inside. Lili’s fingers slipped underneath Rey’s tunic, and Rey endured it silently. The woman ran her fingertips over Rey’s bared skin, and Rey could feel the lust for blood and power vibrating off of Lili--through her breath, through the waves of the Force around her. Lili stepped closer. Like a lover, a travesty of intimacy, stealing Rey’s own breath. The Supreme Leader seemed to be inhaling Rey’s scent, sizing up every single detail about her. “Rough around the edges,” she whispered, far too close to Rey’s mouth. Rey recoiled, as if her skin longed to flee from her own body. “Like a precious stone found in the ground, still dusty and uncut. I can see the appeal.”

Rey glared back at her, refusing to blink, to speak--refusing to look away.

“How he must have longed to break you,” she breathed. “But it is you who broke him.”

“No,” Rey couldn’t stop herself from saying. How often had people misunderstood what they had? Even before Ben chose redemption, even before he saved Rey from Snoke, it had never been about breaking. It had only been about healing. They’d started to make one another whole long before they’d loved each other.

Lili’s expression turned dagger-sharp. _This one does not like to be contradicted_ , Rey noted.

“I could strike you down where you stand,” Lili said coolly, but Rey felt her roaring rage, elicited by a simple syllable.

“You could try,” Rey shot back.

Lili slapped her across the face, and Rey forced herself not to grimace at the way the Supreme Leader’s sharp nails and gaudy jewels opened up her skin, leaving a bloody trail like a comet.

“You have something I want.” The admission pained Lili.

“And what is that?” The obvious answers flickered through Rey’s mind like a holovid. Ben’s affection, his desire, his devotion. But Lili’s reply made Rey’s blood freeze in her veins.

“His will.”

-

Ben’s skin felt white hot. His hands and his face and his chest and his legs and his arms and his entire body itched and ached for Rey. It had been days since that afternoon in the throne room, and every second, he was wracked with worry. The memory of her pain haunted him--consumed him. He had found a way to separate his thoughts of Rey from the Force, so at least now thinking of her didn’t bring him bodily harm. But it wasn’t without pain that he contemplated Rey.

He thought of her face, swimming with beatific relief when she was sprawled on the ground after having been tortured by Lothor Ren. Relief at seeing him, whole and unharmed. If only he could have felt the same. This was his fault, he knew. All his fault. He failed to keep her safe. He broke his promise. He didn’t come back. He felt sick as the thoughts stormed through his mind. The tempest that ravaged his heart swelled and waned in cycles, always erupting in the pounding of fists against the wall--always culminating in raw, bloody knuckles.

With each throw of his fist, he recalled of all the ways he’d failed her, all the ways he’d hurt her. He thought of the way he flung her in the forest on Starkiller Base, sent her crashing in the air against a tree. He’d wanted her out of the way so he could eliminate Finn, the traitor, and bring her back to Snoke as he was instructed. But the thought of his violence towards her--it now cut him to the core. To think himself even remotely capable of harming her--he wanted to claw at his skin, to purify himself, to repent. He thought of the fall of her brows when he’d stepped away from her coffin-like transport pod, allowed her to be cuffed by the troopers on the _Supremacy_ . He thought of her screams as Snoke tortured her--that had curdled his blood even then, before he knew just how much she meant to him. And he thought of the tear that slid down her face when he’d called her _nothing_ . He almost lost his breakfast at the thought. And then another tear as she’d begged him not to go down his chosen path, begged him not to throw _them_ away. He felt as destabilized just now as he had then, when the gravity of his treason had begun to sink in, when he couldn’t help but sabotage his chance at redemption and happiness. He felt just as lost, just as powerless. He punched and thrashed and screamed angry, scratching cries.

Always these bursts of rage resolved in angry, self-loathing tears, which turned to noiseless sobs, which ended in heaving, fruitless breaths.

His powers--the Force--meant nothing if he was helpless when it came to protecting the ones he loved. But now he was truly trapped. He could do nothing but obey and submit. It wasn’t much, but he would sacrifice his pride and his honor and every sliver of his being just to keep Rey and their child from harm.

Every day he was forced to face Lili. Every day she taunted him. The first day, she came in and paraded Rey’s blood--caked beneath her fingernails--and pressed those stained fingers against his lips.

He had wanted to rage and roar, rip her limbs from her body. But no, she simply murmured more taunts, more threats.

“One wrong move and it will be more than blood I’ll bring to you,” Lili cooed.

“You’ll do nothing of the sort,” he snapped back, unable to quell his reaction before it flew from his mouth.

“You think you have a say?” She smiled with amusement and crept into his space.

“Don’t I?” he forced himself to say with a sensual softness. This was a game he knew how to play, though it made his skin crawl.

Lili brought her hands to his shoulders, ran them down the length of his arms. “What would you do?” Lili inquired with a preternatural glint in her eyes. “What would you do to keep her safe?”

“Anything,” he whispered on a broken, choked breath.

Lili brought her mouth to Ben’s ear, breath hot against his skin. “She really has brought you to your knees.” Her hands tightened on his arms, fluttered to his chest. “The mighty Kylo Ren, pathetic and prostrate before a filthy scavenger, worth less than the ground beneath his feet.”

His entire body tensed at her words, and hundreds of retorts sat on his tongues. _She is worth everything_ , he thought. _She is everything._ _The only thing that matters._

“Shh,” Lili whispered. “Don’t be angry, Kylo. I’ll give you what you want. So long as you give me what I want.”

“And what do you want?” he made himself ask, knowing it was precisely what she wanted him to say.

“I want the man back,” she said. “Get rid of this silly boy. You were mighty. You were great--strong and powerful. I need you to reclaim order of the Knights of Ren. They need their leader. I need you to win me planets; I need you to bend arms dealers to your will, sway potential allies. I need you win this war for me in the way that only a vicious dog of war can do. Only you. I’m handing you the First Order--the galaxy--on a silver platter. Belong to me, do as I say, and I’ll even let you see her.”  
He looked at her beseechingly, scanning her eyes for deceit. But everything about her screamed deceit, so those piercing, icy irises revealed nothing. _Did she understand?_ he wondered, _Did she know that the galaxy was dust to him when measured against seeing Rey, being near her?_

“You’re lying,” he snarled, nose twitching unconsciously.

“No, dear. It’s you who is lying,” she said. “Look at you; think of yourself. Think of who you are and what you’ve done.” The words stung him, and he couldn’t help but do just that--just as she told him. “You were not made for family. You were not made for love. You were made for passion and power. Possession and dominance. She’s poisoned you with impossible dreams--dreams that don’t suit your soul. You know it’s true.”

He shuddered. Lili gave voice to the fears that he’d never let surface in the time since he fled the First Order with Rey. And part of him believed her, deep down, in that shattered, demolished place at the depths of his spirit.

“You’re wrong,” he said. He knew he shouldn’t. Knew he should somehow manipulate Lili into thinking she was right--thinking she was swaying him. But the Light that he had reclaimed burned too brightly for such deceit. For such cunning duplicity. He had never been able to do anything but wear his heart on his sleeve, even in all his years with Snoke.

“Oh?” Lili said as if slapped.

“I’ll do what you want,” he said, chest heaving vehemently. “Whatever you want--anything. But my heart will never stop beating for _her_.”

Lili’s face twitched. It was the first crack in her composure that he’d ever seen. He was afraid of what it meant--especially for Rey. But he couldn’t help but consider it the tiniest of victories.

And that thought gave him hope.

-

Rose walked aimlessly through the halls of the Resistance Base. She felt numb and afraid. She never felt this way; she always blazed and sparkled with feeling. But now she felt defeated. She’d just returned to Naboo after a futile attempt to locate Ben--and then word struck of Rey’s disappearance, and Sweet’s to boot. It was nothing short of crushing. She kept a chipper face, but worry was eating at her heart like a parasite, draining her of life and hope and spritely passion—all the things that had defined her as long as she could remember.

 _Where are you, Rey?_ she wondered desperately. _Where are you, Ben?_

Just then, amidst her wandering, she heard a soft, shaking cry.

She found a small form curled up in a corner, silently sobbing.

“Taia?” Rose said quietly.

The little girl looked up, and her face was unspeakably sorrowful.

“I won’t ask if you’re okay. I know you aren’t. What’s going on inside that pretty head?”

Taia looked at her for a long moment, her face scrunching and trembling. “They left me,” she finally confessed with a gasp and a whimper.

“You mean Ben and Rey?”

“Who else would I mean?” the little girl snapped. Something shadowy lurked in her eyes. Rose wasn’t Force-sensitive, but she knew darkness when she saw it.

“Taia, they wouldn’t--”

“They did!” she shouted with a pathetic sob and a hiccup. There was something threatening about her voice, but Rose could only see her as a sad, confused child.

“ _No_ ,” Rose reassured intently. “They didn’t leave you. I promise, Taia, they wouldn’t abandon you. Not if they could do anything to help it. Whatever happened to them--I know it wasn’t their choice.”

“That’s not what some people are saying,” she whispered.

“You trust gossip more than you trust me?”

“No! No, that’s not what I meant.” Taia tried to steady her breath and her quavering voice. “But people… Leto and Adi say that Master Solo lost his battle with the Dark Side. If he lost, what will I do?” She looked truly afraid, and Rose knew that more than abandonment, more than loneliness, Taia feared herself. “How can I stop it without him? How can I stop it if even my master lost?”

She sounded old, just then--far older than her twelve years, and it twisted Rose’s chest. Rose knew what it was to grow up too fast.

“He didn’t lose,” Rose said. “The battle is never over, Taia. No matter how far gone someone is, there’s always room for light. But Ben didn’t lose. He couldn’t; he wouldn’t. I’m sure of it. But you know what I’m even more sure of?”

“What?”

“You,” Rose paused. Let the words sink in. “I’m sure of you, little one. You are good. You are. And we won’t let you fall.”

“But what about Rey? What about Ben? I have to save them.” Rose felt a stabbing pain between her ribs. She knew the feelings hidden underneath Taia’s words--had experienced them herself. Anytime a kind adult had shown her and Paige care, affection--anytime anyone had provided for her, met one of her deep-seated needs. _Parents_ , she had always thought. _A mom. A dad. A family._ She knew Rey had experienced the same, and almost wanted to shield Taia from the crushing disappointment that always came when some well-meaning adult had taken her up as a special, charitable project. It was always brief. It was never what she needed. She and Paige were always discarded like an old pair of boots. But that wasn’t Rey, was it? That wasn’t Ben? No, those people from her past had never demonstrated such true, total care. True love. The kind that Rey and Ben showed to Taia.

“That’s not your responsibility, buttercup,” a smooth voice swam in, and Poe crouched beside the two of them. “We’ll get them back. I’ll bring them back. Just for you. Does that sound good?”

Taia’s face melted just a little at Poe’s promise. And Rose knew that Poe meant what he said, and she had utter confidence that he would be true to his word. Even without his deep care for Rey, even without his respect and begrudging affection for Ben, Rose knew that Poe would follow through on this if only to make this little girl smile. Rose placed an appreciative hand between Poe’s shoulders. She hadn’t realized how much she’d needed to hear his promise, too.

“Deal,” Taia finally murmured. And Rose felt the dark, heavy atmosphere evaporate.

-

“Harder!” Lothor Ren shrieked, and Titus responded by injecting even more Force energy into his blows. Lothor was pushed backward with each strike. But a strange, frenetic, vicious glee erupted from the man, and he exploded back at his opponent until Titus was backed into a corner, forced to yield.

Other Knights sparred, while some meditated in a funneling cloud of darkness. Still more studied texts on the ground, surrounded by pages and pages of ancient tomes. This all happened in the expansive training room, which served as a battleground, a library, and a temple--the room itself told a tale of the Knights of Ren, of their multifaceted nature. Contemplative warriors, militant scholars. But without their leader, without Kylo Ren, Lothor had taken the central focus as the Knight to beat. Whenever he faced an opponent, all eyes were glued to his cruel, ruthless movements.

Lothor gave a great, bellowing laugh that sounded like it couldn’t possibly come from that man’s small stature. He was short, wiry, and dangerous. He had always been like a rusty blade. Not only would he cut you, but he’d infect you, make you deteriorate from within.

“Well met,” he told Titus, and the other Knight nodded, deferent in defeat.

Ivan Ren observed disinterestedly. He’d only ever truly enjoyed sparring with Kylo and Marina, but he’d lost them both, hadn’t he? Ivan no longer found any mirth in the training exercises. They were the brutal requisites of living as a Knight, but he couldn’t find that same exhilaration he’d once felt. And it took a toll. He needed only to think of Snoke’s dilapidated form to know with certainty the effects of the dark side. But the power, the strength, the control won through losing control--it was worth it.

“Did you see that Jedi squirm, brother?” Lothor asked him snidely, crossing the room to take a swig from his canteen. “Oh, how I’d like to make her squirm again. And again.” The innuendo was not lost on Ivan, but he found it distasteful and did not react. “Pretty, isn’t she?”

She was, Ivan knew. He wasn’t blind. She was ripe with the glow of an expecting mother, and her hazel eyes were fierce and piercing with their intensity. But his heart belonged to another; it always would. Immortalized through atrocity. His Marina.

When he didn’t respond, Ivan could sense that Lothor was manufacturing some fresh suggestive remark, but he was cut off by the door to the training room slamming open and shuddering against the wall.

And Kylo Ren entered through the threshold, donned in the clothes he’d always worn when he trained. A half buttoned black shirt and leather pants. His gloves were back, Ivan noted. He hadn’t worn them in the throne room.

Apart from that instance, Ivan hadn’t seen his friend—his master—since the man’s own reign as Supreme Leader. Since that last training session so many months ago, before he’d gone skirting off to Naboo. _To vanquish the Resistance_ , he’d told them all. But Ivan knew better than anyone the face of a man besotted. And Kylo could never hide his feelings—not from his oldest friend anyway, if a boy like Ben Solo could ever really have friends. _Let him have his fun_ , Ivan had reasoned when Kylo had left. _Let him claim his woman._ But it seemed that she hadn’t been the one to be claimed.

“You were saying?” Ivan chided coolly.

And Lothor merely sputtered, trying to recover but eventually settling on silence.

Kylo Ren looked furious. Livid. Murderous. That face spelled trouble for all.

Every Knight in the room dropped to one knee, genuflecting before their returned leader. None of them knew the truth. Ivan knew, only because he knew Ben Solo—saw his distress at seeing Rey harmed, saw his duress at Lady Lilelis’ side. What must Lothor think of the Jedi? He dipped into the unwitting Knight’s mind and unearthed a number of disturbing images. He saw Kylo besting her in battle, taking her by force to procure a powerful heir, holding her captive to take pleasure in and discard at will. _Fool,_ Ivan thought. These Knights must all think the same.

All save him believed Kylo was abducted, and now they celebrated his triumphant return. Ivan didn’t know how to feel about the truth. He’d stopped examining morality long ago, finding it much more comfortable to live in an ambiguous middle ground, content to face ethical dilemmas with a shrug of the shoulders. But emotional attachments run deep. They had for Marina. And they certainly did for the boy Ben Solo, for the man, his brother in arms, Kylo Ren.

The Master of the Knights of Ren ignited his saber and marched purposefully towards Lothor. He swung that ragged red beam in a powerful arc, and Lothor barely had time to hold his up in defense. So forceful was his swing that Lothor shook under the effort it took to hold it at bay. With Kylo’s arms raised, Ivan observed a pair of gray cuffs around his wrists, like the ones he’d been wearing before beside the Supreme Leader but separated into bracelets. Force dampeners, Ivan realized. And his gut twisted. The tool was unnatural and inhumane. But Kylo’s brute strength was enough to overpower Lothor, even when the latter had use of the Force.

Ivan removed his mask, discarded it at his side. He met Kylo’s eyes from the corner of the room, briefly connecting over Kylo’s beam of red. As the man kept swinging his saber, Ivan noticed that Kylo looked utterly torn apart, depleted, eyes rimmed with brownish bags of exhaustion. Kylo had worn this look many times, but he had always appeared commanding. Now he just looked lost and unhinged. Scared, even.

 _Scared for the Jedi_ , Ivan knew.

He knew, and he wished he didn’t. Knew because he’d felt that same terror, that same helplessness--the trapped feeling of being unable to save the one you love. Killed by a Resistance bomb to a city held under the First Order, a location with strategic access to a hibridium deposit. And she was killed--his Marina--all so neither side could have access to the latest cloaking technology. He’d blamed the Resistance ever since he was nineteen, but now he wasn’t so sure. Now he was beginning to simply blame it on war.

He forced himself to silence his solemn memories. Just then, his comm beeped with a message.

“Ivan Ren, report for guard duty.”

Kylo’s eyes snapped to Ivan’s, and they shared a long, meaningful look. Kylo’s gaze was pleading, beseeching as he stepped and swung, lunged and dodged in his fight with Lothor. Ivan blinked once, twice. _Yes_ , he made his eyes say. He had no idea to what he was agreeing, and it made his stomach swim with nausea. But it also enthralled him--made him feel alive for the first time in what could have been years. _Purpose_.

With a straight face and an even straighter back, he donned his mask and strode purposefully through the ship’s corridors, to the wing where the Jedi was being kept.

-

Rey sat silently in her chambers, shackled hands resting in her lap. She hadn’t quite adjusted to life in cuffs, and she needed a droid to assist her with almost everything, but at least the little machine provided some company. It had been nearly a week of solitude, but Rey’s mind had been nothing but noisy. Nothing but the clamoring and clanging of Lili’s threats, her commands.

 _Crush him_ , Lili had told her. _Reject him. Push him away, and Ben Solo will be unharmed._

 _And if I don’t?_ Rey had challenged.

 _If you don’t,_ Lili chuckled darkly, _then I will rip that baby from your womb and shred it before your eyes_. Her face turned from a mischievous smile to a savage snarl that made Rey blanch with fear and fury. Her stomach had flipped violently, and she nearly retched then and there. Her nausea was unrelenting in the days that followed.

But finally she had begun to accept her position; finally she had begun to regain that easy stillness that she had always accessed so effortlessly. And she couldn’t help it. In this moment, in fact, anytime she’d found quiet like this, she had conditioned herself for nearly a year to reach out with her heart, to let the Light seep in like a comforting salve.

And instantly, lightning struck through her body; it shocked and shriveled and shook her nerves, her muscles, her skin. A shriek tore out of her lungs, and she collapsed to her knees, then to her elbows. And still she shrieked.

She forced that powerful energy out of her body as soon as the shocks traveled to her belly--as soon as her foolish lack of control threatened her baby. Soon the electric pain subsided, but a different stabbing rose within her. In her abdomen. She groaned and curled in on herself, unable to stop the frightened, tears from spilling onto her cheeks and then to the floor.

She didn’t hear the door rushing open. She didn’t hear hurried, heavy steps coming towards her. Didn’t realize anyone had entered the room until a large hand was shaking her, until a low, unfamiliar voice was speaking her name.

“Rey,” it said, “What is it?”

She forced her eyes up and recognized the Knight from that first day. She felt the terror in her movements, her face and eyes, and she tried to conceal it from this startlingly gentle stranger, but she couldn’t. She leaned into his open arms, and the man tensed; he propped her up but didn’t touch her any more than he needed to.

“Don’t move,” he commanded through his mask.

She was too shocked by his kindness to do anything but listen. He brought his hand to her round belly, hovering but not touching. For a long moment, nothing happened. But he spread his gloved fingers wider, and warmth spread out in her skin, in her womb, and the pain gradually subsided; it spread away like fog on glass.

And then he surprised her further. With the Force, he unlocked her shackles, sending them clattering to the floor. She was nearly leveled to the floor with the relief that crashed through her, like the first breath she took when she emerged from that cursed cave on Ahch-To.

“Don’t do a thing,” he urged vehemently, his mechanical, altered voice still thick with emotion. “Don’t use the Force. Don’t try to escape. They’ll kill all three of us,” he paused, then added, “All four,” with a nod at her stomach. The Knight shook his head. “No Force user should be deprived of her lifeblood.”

She could hardly speak as her body seemed to come alive with the Force. Don’t use it? How couldn’t she, when it swam so vibrantly through her veins? But she knew he was right. “Shouldn’t you hate me?”

“You more than anyone should know that things are never so simple as black and white, Jedi. Shouldn’t Kylo Ren hate you? Shouldn’t you have killed him?” He paused and removed his mask. Beneath it was a brown face and warm, thickly lashed eyes. A strong nose, a heavy brow.

 _No wonder they all wear masks_ , thought Rey. _These Knights are far too human._

The man stood and continued, “I don’t like to live in a world of ‘shoulds.’ We act as though ruled by obligation, but we make our own choices. We relinquish guilt and will and responsibility--we pawn them off onto ‘have to’ and ‘must.’ Replace the cuffs if you sense anyone coming. I won’t cover for you if you are caught.”

And then he left without another word, before Rey could even ask for his name. She felt confused and, for the first time since Sweet turned on her, hopeful.

-

“Dine with me,” Lili commanded in the afternoon when she’d visited Ben’s chambers. She was wearing an emerald green dress that dipped nearly to her navel, clung to her body, and emphasized her wraithlike form. She looked terrifying but arresting.

It wasn’t a request, he knew. So he nodded once, stiffly, then shut the door with an abrupt turn. Today he needed isolation. Today he needed to be alone if he was to face Lili tonight; the gleam in her white-blue eyes told a chilling story.

He’d been given the freedom to roam the ship at will, but it had its limits. He was under guard always--for now anyway, until he proved his loyalty. Ben frequented the Knights of Ren training hall. He knew it was teeming with Dark energy, but he was strong enough to withstand it. He needed to let out his frustration on more than just his wall, and the Knights were his. Until he was allowed to use the Force himself, all he could do was practice battle against his eager brothers, those desirous to show their master how strong they’d grown during his months in captivity. And they were strong, these men and women who trained and studied relentlessly, who battled and conquered in the name of the First Order. But still their loyalty was to Kylo Ren. War had a way of bonding even Dark side users. And though this bond was twisted, built on blood and abuse and monstrous cruelty, it was woven tightly nonetheless.

He spent his day lying in his bed, breathing deeply, and thinking of Rey, as he was wont to do whenever he could. She was his strength, even if only in thought; she was his shelter. He would persist for her.

He thought of her dimple, of the scar on her bicep, the freckles on her shoulders, and the callouses on her hand from years of scrubbing and climbing and falling in sand.

He thought of her hazel eyes unguarded as she awoke each morning. And he remembered the first time he saw her wake. He didn’t see her, not exactly--his mind wasn’t fully aware of her until she was sitting across from him, looking just as stunned as he felt. Their first connection in the Force.

The moment had felt eternal, as their minds touched from light years away. It swelled with shock, then a creeping realization--suspense as they both sat there, staring. Part of him, for just an instant, felt the tiniest loosening--as if his spirit gave a tiny exhale of relief to see that she was still alive, that she’d made it off of Starkiller Base in one piece. But then he’d been startled out of that trance with the ghost of a blaster bolt careening into his stomach. His heart leaped and exploded before the shot vanished into nothing. _What the hell is going on?_ he finally had the good sense to think. _What is the Jedi doing in my chambers? How is this happening?_ For just a fraction of a heartbeat, he thought he might be hallucinating. It wouldn’t be the first time the scavenger’s apparition had come to him, sometimes broken and covered in blood, sometimes covered in nothing but sweat and his hands. But he certainly wasn’t asleep this time. He felt her Force signature with a deafening clarity, just as he had in the Takodana forest, just as he had on the _Finalizer_ , and the snowy forest of Starkiller Base. It was familiar and vibrant and far too intoxicating.

 _Skywalker_ , his mind roared through the foggy, tempting mists of _Rey, Rey, Rey_.

“You will bring Luke Skywalker to me,” he commanded in a steady voice with every ounce of Force persuasion he had. But it was fruitless; he knew it instantly--kicked himself for even trying it. And again, the itching curiosity surged, the burning interest in this strange, startlingly powerful girl. _No_ , he realized as his eyes consumed her form, _a woman_.

Questions whirred through his mind, and he heard some of them tumble forth. Rey spat fiery insults at him, and they stung him like needles, like the ones that stitched the scar she’d given him. But her fierce eyes only piqued his intrigue, made him more eager to know what was happening, _how_ and _why_ and _please don’t go_.

“Can you see my surroundings?” Kylo asked her, and he tried to shield the tender curiosity from his eyes, but he knew he betrayed himself. “I can’t see yours. Just you.”

 _Just you_ . The words resounded in his head. _Just you, just you, just you_. They beat in his heart, an iambic rhythm that followed him every hour until the next time he saw her.

 _Just you_ , they pounded through his mind again, in the present, as he finally became aware of his senses again. Finally stopped relishing every detail of that first, blessed connection with Rey. He missed the intimacy that the Force had granted them--yearned for it far more than he wanted to control the elements or connect with that cosmic energy. _Just you_. Just Rey.

Soon, it was time for dinner, and Ben forced himself to rise from his bed. He opened the closet and wasn’t surprised to find all black. Despite his time with the Resistance, he never shed his color of choice--or, rather, the lack thereof. He felt that nothing else suited him.

And so he donned a form fitting black tunic and remained in his leather pants, and then he was stalking down the hallway behind a trooper to Lili’s chambers.

When he entered, he saw the same chaise she’d put him in just after he’d awoken from being stunned, when he’d first been brought aboard the ship. Lili was standing beyond in a doorway, and she beckoned him over with a nod, sliding her hand down the cool steel of the threshold. And he followed; he was unable to do anything but bend to her will.

“Lord Ren,” she purred lowly as they took their seats in a dining room with high ceilings and lavish furniture, a sumptuous meal laid upon the table. She was at the head, and he directly to her left. His stomach coiled and twisted into knots, then constricted as she placed a hand upon his knee.

“Supreme Leader,” he replied formally.

“Lili,” she corrected. He ground his teeth together then began working on his food, ignoring the soft caress of her hand. Ignoring the way his body automatically responded despite the disgust he felt for the woman attached to it.

She didn’t touch her food, just kept staring at Ben as he ate. He began eating faster just so it would all end sooner, and all the while she barely said a thing.

“The Knights of Ren rejoice at your return,” she commented idly.

“Do they?”

“Of course,” she scoffed. “They were reckless without you.”

The broken part of him relished the thought.

But in his heart, he didn’t care. _Just you_ , the organ thumped.

 _Just you_ , he thought as Lili leaned towards him.

 _Just you_ , his mind whispered as she pressed her mouth against his, as her tongue slid into his mouth.

 _Just you_ , his body screamed as he returned her kiss, as he bit her lip and she clawed at his back and pulled herself onto his lap.

All he could see, all he could feel was Rey, and though this bony, harsh fiend was nothing like his warm, fiery woman, the sensations made Rey swim to his mind all around him and involuntarily reach for their bond.

And sense crashed into him with a bolt of lightning to his bones.

Lili pulled back at his convulsions, annoyed--maybe even furious.

“You’re pathetic,” she spat.

“Then why do you want me?” he seethed through his pain.

“Because I know you’re more than this.” She pushed his hair away. It sounded like a simulacrum of confidence. He knew what true belief sounded like. _You will not bow before Snoke_ , Rey had told him with such pure, doubtless certainty.

There was a tense stretch of silence, and Lili was still seated atop him. The only sound he could hear was his own slowing breaths, teeming with rage and hate and rancor.

Finally Lili broke the silence. “You may see her tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS GUYS SO MUCH IS GOING TO HAPPENNNNNN I wanted to keep writing but I needed to break it up! Please forgive me for the angst. Things are alllllways darkest before the dawn!


	27. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben visits Rey

The floor was glossy and black, and as Ben’s heavy footfalls pounded in the silent corridors, it looked like he might be stepping into pools of oil. An untrained eye might expect flecks of thick, black liquid to splatter onto the silver walls. Without the clattering echo of his steps, Ben would have surely seemed like a specter—swift, hurried, and panicked, as if this small courtesy would be torn away, like it was all a cruel joke. He had to get to her before the punchline dropped, before the ax swung and cut him off from this tiny thread of hope. He quickened his pace.

Soon he approached the door to her chambers, and Ben couldn’t hear through the rush of blood in his ears. His heart twisted with worry and anticipation; his anxiety was a knife that gutted his stomach and relished the brutality.

Ivan Ren stood stoically beside Rey’s door, still as marble, his face invisible beneath his raptor-like mask.

“Kylo,” Ivan muttered lowly in his cool, modulated tone. He still faced forward; the surveillance cameras wouldn’t even register that they were talking.

Ben’s startled eyes snapped to the Knight, and he froze with his fingers on the door handle.

“She’s unwell,” Ivan whispered, and those three syllables sent icy spikes shooting down Ben’s spine.

“What do you mean?” Ben managed under his breath.

“I did what I could. I healed her with the Force as best as I was able. But the damned shackles are affecting the child.”

Ben’s grasp tightened around the handle, nearly crushing the metal beneath his fingers. He pretended it was Lili’s throat. His tangled black hair hung over his face as he leaned his head upon the cool metal of the door. Without a mask, his sheets of hair were the only shield he had to guard his too-expressive features.

“Thank you, Sol” he said in a strangled, barely audible voice. Ivan flinched at the sound of his given name. Unspoken thoughts buzzed in the tense air. Thoughts of gratitude, loyalty, friendship. Of apology, of hope. Fear. But Ben voiced none of them, for nothing could divert his mind from Rey long enough to travel from his head to his mouth. Without another word, he opened the door and swept into Rey’s chambers.

Ben’s pounding chest stilled when his gaze landed on Rey. She was curled in a ball atop her bed, not even under a blanket. He round belly was nestled between her chest and her knees. She looked so small, asleep like that; she looked so young. Her face was smooth and peaceful, and her eyes shifted beneath her gently closed lids. He longed to wrap her in his arms, to shield her vulnerable form with his own threatening one. He longed to feel the easy rise and fall of her lungs against his torso. He longed to feel her skin against him.

He quietly stepped towards the bed and knelt on the ground beside it. He didn’t want to disturb her, but he had no idea how long they’d have together, nor did he know when he’d next be allowed to see her. Ben tucked Rey’s hair behind her ear, then brought a hand to her shoulder. The moment his ungloved hand met her skin, she jerked awake, startled but sure. She didn’t look at all frightened, as if even her unconscious form sensed him.

That’s when he noticed that her shackles were gone.

But he couldn’t dwell on the observation; he was immediately distracted by Rey’s elated, cautious relief. She demanded his attention with her beseeching eyes, her parted mouth, her shallow breaths. “Ben,” she said on a sigh. Already her lips found his, and she was pulling him to her, hands gripping him desperately. “Ben,” she whispered again, tugging him close. He wrapped his arms around her in a steady, gentle embrace. “She wanted me to—“ Rey hesitated. “—to push you away.” Her hands ran through his hair, and she spoke rushed words between kisses. “She wanted—me to crush you—but I can’t—won’t.” Her mouth found every inch of his exposed skin, as if her body longed to refamiliarize itself with Ben’s. He understood. And he matched her fervor. For months they had lived with no barriers. For months they had awoken side-by-side. For months they’d hardly had a meal without the other. They trained together, taught together, slept together, showered together, argued and defended and lived and breathed _together_. In all ways they were united. Lili had no idea what she’d robbed them of: the pain caused by those cursed bindings was nothing compared to the pain of existing without their Force Bond.

 _The Force_ , he realized. Rey was without her shackles. She was open to the Force; she could use it. He reached for her just then, not caring that it would hurt him. And for a blissful moment, before the pain came, his entire world opened to him again, and that hollow part of his soul touched hers and finally felt whole. Both of them gasped with the intensity of it. How had they lived without this for even a second? How had they gone their whole lives without this, without the other? Their bodies stilled, and the moment between them felt endless. He braced himself for that torturous burst of electricity, but abruptly, Rey’s hands jerked and twisted in a panicked gesture, and energy rose to her fingertips. Ben’s cruel bracelets fell off and clattered to the ground.

Immediately, the Force blossomed and unfurled within him, and with it, Rey. She filled up his senses, swam into his skin and his veins and his bones and his muscles. He felt her from his scalp all the way down to the tips of his toes. For the first time in what must have been a week, the breath in his lungs found purchase. The relief he felt gripped his entire being, and tears dripped down his face. Ben collapsed against Rey, boneless. She pulled him closer, guided him to the mattress, and curled against his body. Their legs intertwined and Ben rested his hand against her abdomen. He didn’t want to move; he could’ve simply lay there with her for the remainder of his life and been perfectly content. He rubbed his hand in circles over Rey’s loose, billowing tunic. She twisted her head so she could meet his eyes, drink him in in the dim light of her room, only lit by the distant stars outside. Ben couldn’t help but lean closer, nudging her nose with his. He felt open and raw. Just then, when he was completely at peace, there was a little bump under his palm.

Rey gasped, and Ben’s eyes flew to her stomach.

“You felt it?” Rey whispered between them.

He nodded. It was all he could manage. A beaming smile spread across Rey’s face; her nose crinkled and her cheek dimpled and Ben’s chest ached from the swelling of his heart.

“Our daughter,” he finally said. “Our girl.” His voice was hesitant and shaky, as if claiming that simple truth would somehow curse her, prevent her from ever seeing the light of day.

“She’ll be alright,” Rey said resolutely. “I know she’s okay.”

“How do you know?” he asked. But he already knew the answer. He reached out with the Force and gently caressed his little girl with that divine energy, and there she was, healthy and whole with a strong heartbeat and a bright, clear future. But he knew the uncertainty of foreknowledge, knew that the future he felt so palpably could be darkened and ripped away in an instant, in a single moment of malice. He pressed harder against Rey’s stomach, longing to protect the baby with everything he was.

“I was thinking,” Rey breathed. Paused. Continued. “Maybe we could name her Padme, after your grandmother?”

He felt the organ in his chest pulse unnaturally, and the weight of destiny hung heavily in the air. “A beautiful name,” he whispered in reply, “tied to a tragic life.”

“Padme Amidala’s life ended tragically. But Padme Solo’s life will not.”

His stomach dropped when she spoke that name. Padme Solo. His daughter, his name, his future. His and Rey’s. “Free of politics and war and ancient Orders,” he said, finally allowing himself to smile now. “She might have a chance.”

“She will if I have anything to say about it.”

“I don’t think anyone would cross you if you give them that face,” he chuckled and kissed her softly.

She smiled and rolled her eyes, but still her mouth was set fiercely. “They wouldn’t dare,” Rey said sincerely.  

“I was thinking too, you know,” Ben said.

“Were you really? Are you sure?” she teased.

He smiled, but her quip didn’t phase him. “Maybe,” he continued, and he felt his face fall open in that hatefully vulnerable way that Rey always weedled from him, “maybe her middle name could be Rose?”

Rey’s teasing face fell and twisted. She brought her forehead to Ben’s. “Of course,” she whispered with a quaver. “Thank you,” she said against his lips, their mouths bumping gently with each word spoken.

“If she even had half of Rose’s grit I’d be a proud father,” he said. Something about the statement made his chest contract. Now the baby had a name, and his instincts to _protect_ and _defend_ surged with a visceral roar. Padme Rose. Padme Rose Solo.

“You are too soft for your own good,” Rey said lightly and tucked her head against his chest.

“You are the only creature in the entire galaxy who thinks that,” he teased back. “And certainly the only one who could get away with saying it.”

“I think your friends might say otherwise,” she said with a smile, but her eyes were sad. She missed the Resistance terribly, he knew.

“I don’t have friends,” he said more harshly than he’d intended.

“Shove off,” she pushed him gently. “You do.”

“They’re your friends. They tolerate me.”

She shook her head, ready to argue, but in an instant the fight left her. “We can’t live like this forever, Ben. What are we going to do?”

“We can run,” he whispered ferociously and tugged Rey to his body, eliminating whatever scant space remained between them. “I’ll get you out of here. We have the Force now. I’ll take down their entire _fucking_ army.”

She stared at him evenly, unwaveringly. He felt her doubt. Felt her fear. “You can’t be sure of that,” she said, though he knew she didn’t want to. He knew she wanted to believe his fierce promises of safety and rescue. “Padme’s coming soon; I can feel it. I can’t run. I probably shouldn’t even walk.”

And Ben let himself picture their escape. He’d carry Rey in his arms, snap anyone’s neck who even held a blaster, pulverize anyone who glanced in their direction. But that wasn’t the truth. He’d be far too concerned for Rey’s safety, and Padme’s. He’d hardly be able to protect them and would surely die trying to save them. Not that he cared much for his life. But without him, there was nothing keeping Rey alive. He was the only reason she’d gone relatively unharmed thus far.

But then something clicked in his head. Something that in all his panic, he hadn’t had the good sense to contemplate.

“Rey. The Resistance.”

Her face quivered and she looked away. “They won’t come for me.” Ben’s ruinous heart crumbled as he felt Rey’s hurt. As he felt her fear. Her thoughts were deafening. _Not important. Nothing. They’re afraid of me they don’t trust me why-would-they-come-for-me?_

“ _Stop_ ,” he commanded through gritted teeth. He hadn’t thought about the possibility of rescue, but Rey certainly had. She’d thought of it so much that hope had spiraled into desolation and the familiar sinkhole of feeling abandoned--of fearing attachment. The spiral was too loud. Her thoughts were roping him in and dragging him with her, down that dark hole, and tears fell from his eyes, laced with anger and aching that was not his own. Or maybe it was. Anger at himself, for helping to plant those seeds of doubt in her head, for ever making her feel like she was nothing, for being the source of the rift between Rey and the Resistance. “Stop that,” he said more gently, and brushed Rey’s wet cheek with his thumb. “They need you, Rey. Not only because you are powerful, but because they love you,” Ben said in an impassioned whisper. “The ones smart enough to realize how--” he searched for the right word. Important? Incredible? Beautiful-amazing-wonderful-loving-kind-gentle-strong-compassionate. The words tumbled through his head, and he knew she felt every one of them as they flashed in his mind, his heart. None of them would do. “--how impossible you are.”

She didn’t speak, but her breath slowed. Her eyes softened.

“They’re coming for us,” Ben promised as ardently as he could. “My mother won’t stand for this. None of our friends will stand for this,” he said, finally admitting to companionship with the ragtag group. Ben thought of Leia’s fierce eyes. He thought of Rose’s threatening posture that was so at odds with her tiny form. He thought of Poe’s righteous heroism and Finn’s sacrificial loyalty. _They’ll do something_ , he told himself, and surprisingly, he didn’t need further convincing. He believed it.

Rey paused for a long while. Ben felt her actively rejecting the doubts that threatened to surge anew. He felt her clinging to her indomitable light. He clung to it too. “I think I can patch our coordinates through to the _Falcon_ ,” she finally said, voice swimming with hope. “Can you sneak me a comm?”

“I will,” Ben said immediately. “I think there’s someone who will help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that you guys had to wait so long for this one! But I'm not sorry for taking longer; my life has been insane lately, and I needed to take a little break from writing. But my feet have found the ground again, and I'm ready to post more regularly! This is a shorter chapter, but I just wanted to give you patient honeycombs SOMETHING. I hope you enjoyed the fluff. You earned it! <3 I will most likely be posting more frequently, but the chapters will likely be shorter (around this length). Much love! xox


	28. Reclaim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey begin to reclaim their situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I know. I KNOW. It has been an eon since I updated, and I AM SO SORRY. I needed to take a break, but I had some time off from school this weekend and was finally able to find the right circumstances to let the creativity flow. I hope you haven't abandoned my fic, because I haven't! I am also hoping to resume more regular updates, but no promises. Basically, I just need you to be patient with me :) I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Ivan Ren gripped the hilt of his lightsaber. The leather of his fraying gloves spread tightly across his hands, the threads white and nearly splitting. He’d spent his whole life gripping things too hard—steering wheels, silverware, sabers, his own fists. Pain fueled rage fueled power fueled survival. That’s all he’d been interested in lately. Living. That was all. And if he was honest with himself, he hardly cared about that. He let his reckless apathy settle in for a long moment. But before his thoughts tumbled down that hopeless oblivion of despair, he clutched his saber tighter and forced himself to stand upright, rigidly straightening his back. 

For a moment, he thought back to Skywalker, tapping his head with a reed and reminding him to sit tall. He tried to put the thought out of his mind, but he kept seeing the bright blue eyes of that legendary Jedi, and he couldn’t quite shake the nostalgic feeling that sat right at the base of his skull. He blamed it on the sudden appearance of Ben—truly Ben. Not the fearsome, masked persona of Kylo Ren, but Ivan’s emotionally transparent, boyhood friend. 

Just then, the door to Rey’s chambers--her cell--opened, and the selfsame man walked out. Stalked, more like it. Ben was always stalking and sulking, and it seemed finding a woman and making a child did nothing to change his demeanor. 

“Follow me,” Ben commanded. His voice was stone and ice and steel.

“I follow orders from the Supreme Leader--a title which you abdicated.” He knew he should try to sound indignant, but sarcasm and kinship snaked through his deep, modulated tones. 

A kaleidoscope of emotions flitted across Ben’s face, and for a second Ivan thought of the fearsome, unstable master that killed his own father. Perhaps the time for familiarity had fled ages ago. Ivan held his breath beneath his heavy mask, waiting for a destructive, enraged outburst.

But Ben Solo schooled his features into something affectionate, something that pardoned and pleaded and demanded. He suddenly clasped a hand on Ivan’s shoulder.

“You’re right,” Ben rasped, his voice like the striking of flint, skipping and sparking, thick with emotion. “You’re under no obligation to help me. In fact, you should hate me.”

Ivan blinked, and his shoulders involuntarily hunched with the discomfort of confusion. He wasn’t often confused. His sharp mind puzzled things out, calculated intentions and motives, unraveled any complicated predicament he was faced with. Whether he’d fostered this skill from his Force abilities, or simply from the shrewd politicking he’d observed in Zev Flora since his earliest memories, he did not know. But here he was, puzzled and one step behind.

“Why is that?” he said under his breath, unable to stop his curiosity from roping him into a conversation that he should, by his orders, ignore.

“Because, Sol,” Ben paused, letting the sound of Ivan’s given name sink in. The Knight flinched at that single syllable. “I led you down this path,” his grip on Ivan’s shoulder tightened, “into this bottomless, miserable pit, and when Rey helped me claw my way out, I left you there to rot.”

“I made my own choices,” Ivan protested, but he couldn't stop his jaw from clenching. He couldn’t stop his heart from twitching and seizing at the image Ben had painted, the one that too closely mirrored the thoughts in his mind, in that space between sleeping and waking, when all of his armor and layers were peeled back and only truth existed. He was just a boy who’d been battered and broken, dragged and shoved into darkness--into a hollow life that, with each day he endured, felt like his skin had been torn away from his body, and he’d been left flayed and bare and warped into a terrifying monstrosity. 

“No,” Ben said simply, compassionately. 

“What do you want?” He demanded, steering the conversation away from his demons.

“You helped Rey when she was in distress. You cushioned her fall in the throne room, when Lothor would have let her crash. I can feel your conflict.”

He hadn’t tried to mask his mercies before Ben, and in his heart, his decision was already made. He was desperate for purpose, and despite his cold detachment, Ben and Rey unearthed his long buried softness. But some broken part of him, that piece of his bruised heart that stung like a small, lost, abandoned, and misguided boy, wanted to resist. “Don’t presume to know my intentions.”

Ben chuckled. “You forget, I’ve known you all your life. And despite that mask hiding your face, I know exactly what’s happening beneath that thick skull of yours.” Ben’s face suddenly sobered, his tone leveling and lowering. “I know whom Rey reminds you of.”

Ivan’s mind flew, unbidden, to his Marina, the one sweet, untarnished memory of Sol Flora’s life. “How dare you--”

“No. I do dare. I dare you to remember her. Remember her goodness, her light, her laughter.”

“Stop,” Ivan threatened.

But Ben continued. “Remember her pretty green eyes and her messy black hair. Remember the way she would always beat you when you sparred, but you never cared. Remember the promises you made her and her last words to you. Think of her, Sol, and imagine what she’d think of you now.”

Ben had gone too far. Ivan suddenly lashed out, shoving Ben against the wall with his hand crushed around his throat, once again gripping too hard. Ivan blinked back hot tears beneath his mask. Ben merely smiled; he’d gotten under Ivan’s skin, and Ivan had let him. 

The Knight held his former master there for only a second, but it felt like an eternity. That eternity was the width of a choice--a choice that would forever change Ivan’s life, undoubtedly. A choice that had, in truth, been made long ago, when one lonely boy threw a rock at the other--a rock that would prove to be the cornerstone of a lifelong friendship.

Ivan suddenly released Ben and forced his breathing to slow before he spoke. “What do you need me to do?”

-

 

Ellona Sweet absentmindedly twisted a sable curl between her finger and thumb. She was draped across the emerald chaise lounge in Lili’s suite while the fire-haired woman fumed, leaning against the wall.

“You let him go to her?” Ellona questioned.

“I did,” Lili bit out.

“Hm.” 

“You think it unwise?” Lili challenged, fury making her icy eyes dance like a scorching blue flame. 

Ellona was unphased. “Well, I’ve spent more time with the two of them, and they’re much stronger when they’re together. I can’t imagine you want them feeling fortified.”

“If that worthless Jakku scum has any sense at all, she’ll do as I told her.”

“She strikes me as impulsive,” Ellona replied as she stretched out her long limbs. “What did you tell her?”

“I got my hands on Hux’s private holopad and learned quite a bit about our Emperor. It seems Kylo’s obsession with the scavenger began long before he ran after her and put a child in her.” Lili paused and sauntered over to Ellona, sinking to the ground beside the chaise. She leant her head back, and Sweet began running her fingers through her hair. “The man is single-minded--that much is common knowledge. I doubt anyone has the power to turn his eyes away from that slip of a girl. Except for the Jedi herself.”

“Oh, Lili, you are wicked,” Ellona said with a sickening giggle.

“I prefer the term shrewd, but thank you. I told her I’d crush her baby if she didn’t crush her precious Ben. Of course, I’d be taking the risk that heartbreak would make him less stable than ever, but I can work with that. And then perhaps he’d murder her himself and keep our hands clean.”

“I don’t know about that. He doesn’t seem to be the murderous type any longer.”

“A good screw doesn’t suddenly eradicate all the darkness from someone’s heart, Sweetie. And unless Rey has magical lady bits, I know that I can tap into Kylo Ren’s rage. Besides, the girl wouldn’t risk her child’s life.”

“I guess we’ll see. And we won’t have to wait long; I can feel him approaching, and his Force signature seems… a little unhinged.”

Lili smiled wickedly. “Leave. I want to speak with him alone.”

-

Ben walked purposefully towards Lili’s chambers, reviewing the plan he and Rey had made. 

_ “She expects me to push you away,” Rey had said. The mere thought of it made his chest twist. He didn’t even want to fathom what his reaction would have been had Rey complied. But for this plan to work, he had to imagine it. “You have to act as though I have. Lull her into a false sense of security.” _

_ His eyes bore into Rey’s as he tried to summon rage, pain, anything.  _

_ “I don’t want to,” he whispered desperately, and brought his mouth to hover over hers.  _

_ “You don’t have a choice. Certainly it shouldn’t be difficult.” She tugged his body closer, melting into him. Padme rested between them, and all Ben could think about was how she was made. Rey tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and he could hardly bare it, with her pressed against him, fingers grazing his earlobe.  _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “I’ve broken your heart loads of times, haven’t I?” Rey taunted, a spark of mischief in her hazel eyes.  _

_ Those eyes, he thought, that glared at him with fear on Takodana, with hatred on Starkiller Base, with sorrow and rejection on the  _ Supremacy.  _ She certainly had. He let his emotions from those encounters roar to life, and the churning storm tipped him past patience. He claimed her mouth at once, dragging his teeth over her lower lip. Rey gripped his tunic in his fists and returned his kiss with a desperation that almost felt like rage. Through their bond, she conjured an image of that first battle, eerie and beautiful in the gentle snowfall of Starkiller Base, completely incongruous with the burning fury she’d felt inside. She let him feel all her anger and disgust. She let him feel that whispering voice that told her to end him, let that dormant desire to kill him surge through the present, through their lips and their hips, through the fingernails dragging across his back. Suddenly she tore herself away.  _

_ Rey replaced his torturous bracelets. “Go,” she commanded.  _

_ And he couldn’t refuse her anything.  _

Ben summoned every bit of pain his memories could supply, braced himself, then entered Lili’s room. 

“Rey will be moved to my quarters,” he snarled, injecting his voice with a possessive venom. 

Lili smiled. “What on earth are you raving about?”

He turned violently and towered over the Supreme Leader, emanating frustration and fury. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Lili mused. “A lover’s quarrel?”

“Shut up,” he spat.

“Kylo, she is beneath you.”

“She will be, when you have her moved to my quarters.”

Lili chuckled. “So the scavenger refused you? Rejected you? Finally closed her legs?”

He almost growled, channeling his rage at Lili’s words into something useful. “Don’t test me.”

“Or what? What will you do to me?”

He glared at her.

“What will my guards find when they go to her cell? Ravaging isn’t good for a fetus, you know.”

“That child is the only thing saving her,” he said lowly, forcing himself to meet Lili’s eyes levelly. 

“You’re sure about that? It’s not her pretty little face?” Lili mocked.

_ Fuck you _ , he thought with fury, then stalked closer to Lili. “I don’t like being refused,” he said between clenched teeth.

“You and I have that in common,” she cooed, resting a hand on his bicep.

He leaned closer, letting his mouth linger over hers. He fought the urge to snap her neck--to end her life then and there, plans be damned. But he couldn’t let rash impulses dictate his decisions. He had his family to consider.

“Lucky for you,” Lili said, “the baby will come any day now. Then the Jedi will be entirely dispensable, and you can have your child all to yourself.”

Ben clenched his fist unconsciously. Rey hadn’t once been indispensable since the moment he’d learned of her existence. She never would be. She was vital. Intrinsic. “How do you know that?” he asked, requiring no effort to summon the intensity his charade required. 

“Well, it doesn’t take a genius to notice the size of her belly. Besides, the child is viable. Healthy, according to the medical droids. I can induce Rey’s labor whenever I please.”

Ben didn’t let his expression falter, but panic flared through his chest. 

“Is that dangerous?” he asked carefully, keeping all fear from his voice. 

“Your child will be fine. We have the necessary medical resources.”

“And Rey?” he tried to remain impassive, but he felt the muscle below his eye twitch. 

“Don’t go all soft on me, Kylo. She rejected you.”

He forced a low, seething anger back onto his face. 

“You can vent your frustrations elsewhere, can’t you?” she said smoothly, in that throaty voice of hers. 

He had to move before he betrayed his revulsion. He savagely pressed his lips to Lili’s and tried to numb himself to the horrible, sinking feeling in his gut. 

-

Rey sensed someone coming. She hurried to replace her braces, but as that someone got closer, she recognized the Force signature. It was Ivan. Sol. Whatever his name was. She exhaled. 

He knocked, though he didn’t need to. “Come in,” she said in a small voice. 

“Others are following. The Supreme Leader has summoned you; quickly, put on these restraints.” He tossed her a pair of cuffs that looked almost identical to the pair she’d worn before, but they didn’t crackle with cruelty. She quickly slipped her wrists into the cuffs and made herself look oppressed and enraged. Moments later, more footsteps echoed in the hallway. Six troopers soon stood outside her door. Sol (she decided to settle on his given name) crosses the room and aggressively yanked her up. “On your feet,” he said harshly. He placed a firm grip on her arm and led her out of the room. The troopers walked a few paces in front of them. Sol gave her arm an intent squeeze, then she felt him slip something into the pocket of her trousers.  _ A comm _ , she realized.  _ It must be a comm _ . 

She had no idea what fresh horror Lili had planned for her, but with each step, hope expanded and unfurled in her chest. Padme gave her insides a little nudge, and Rey reached out in the Force.  _ You’re safe, sweetheart.  _ She told Padme.  _ We are going to be okay.  _


	29. Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complacence and submission do not suit Ben and Rey. This is the story of deceit and pain and triumph.

Ben gazed into the darkness of space out the viewport; he let the void of it seep into his skin and sinew its way into his blood. His voice was a growl, more animal than human when he spoke.

“Rey doesn’t need to be here for this,” he said.

“Oh, but she does,” Lili snarled, digging her nails into his forearm. Though his tunic was thick, it still stung. She led him to the dais at the head of the Great Hall; as she guided him up the stairs, he felt like a sacrificial victim being bound and gagged upon an altar.

Ben bit the inside of his cheek, forcing his mouth closed, willing himself not to murder Lili where she stood for perhaps the hundredth time that day. He could--he would, if he didn’t think it would certainly end in the death of everything he held dear.

When the doors finally opened, Sol burst through first, tugging Rey along behind him. Ben’s heart dropped to his stomach: apparently Rey had made a pit-stop on her way from her chambers to the Great Hall. She was draped in finery, covered in luscious black silk with leather accents, hints of red here and there--on the inside of her flowing skirt, slashed across her lips, around the rims of her eyes. She looked terrifying and stunning, and the roundness of her belly--the ferocity in her eyes--made her look like some sort of dark fertility goddess.

Ben forced his eyes away from her, but it was like prying two industrial-strength magnets apart. He stopped himself from running to her, though the image of it played out in his mind--striding to her side, resting his hand on her abdomen. But he held himself still.

“Over there,” Lili commanded Sol, and he brought Rey to the right of the dais. Lili and Ben stood on the raised platform, and his heart rate quickened as people began to pour into the grand, sprawling room.

“Be on your best behavior,” Lili reminded him, “or she will pay.” 

And now he understood Rey’s presence at this horrid ceremony; it always boiled down to this--to keeping him in line. His display of rage, his act of the jilted lover after Rey’s alleged rejection, did nothing to loosen Lili’s leash on him.  

He prayed to the Force controlling him was her sole aim--that Lili had no further intentions for Rey’s presence at his reinstatement as the ruler of the First Order. But Lili always had layer upon layer of ulterior motives.

“She’d better pay,” he forced himself to say. It was easy to inject his voice with venom, but his rage was solely reserved for Lili, for the hell she’d put them in.

He gritted his teeth as he replayed the cruel woman’s careful divulgence of her agenda. She planned to abandon the title of Supreme Leader and instead adopt the mantle of Empress, and Ben--no, Kylo Ren--was to be her Emperor.

And this was his coronation.

First Order bigwigs entered the room in packs, like so many flocks of sheep.

He laughed at Lili’s shrewdness. Why wouldn’t this coronation occur somewhere more significant? More stable? Why aboard a Star Destroyer, and not, say, Coruscant or a substantial seat of power? But the answer roared into his mind alongside the mechanical rhythm of the ship’s heartbeat. This artificial, mechanical shell of a castle was an environment that Lili could control. Only those whom she allowed to attend would be here; on this ship, there could be no surprises.

But perhaps Lili had some things to learn.

Rey’s presence pulsed at his side; even though she was a few yards away, her proximity was intoxicating. He’d been starved of having her near, and now he could hardly bare being so close, but the barrier of an empire stood between them.

He looked over to her despite Lili’s claws on his arm, despite all sense telling him not to. And she was already looking at him.

 _Don’t do anything rash_ , Rey pleaded through the Bond. 

 _How dare you think such a thing of me?_ he teased back, barely suppressing the slight smirk that taunted his mouth.

 _Please_ , her whisper brushed against his mind. _You have to keep her happy—docile._

 _We could end this now,_ he responded, and he felt the intensity of his hope raging through his eyes. He had to look away from Rey, lest someone begin to notice their silent conversation, but his mind still focused solely on her. _I could take you away, Rey. Right now._

 _Enough of that._ I’m _getting us out of here_.

This time he couldn’t stop himself from turning to her, startled. They hadn’t thought much further than convincing Lili of a rift between them, but clearly Rey had more machinations underway. Lili noticed Ben tense, and she tightened her grip on his arm. The vile woman began making a speech to the sea of black and red gathered before them, but he could hardly hear the words.

 _What do you mean?_ he demanded.

But before Rey could respond, Lothor Ren stepped to her side and grabbed her roughly by the shoulder. The cruel Knight placed a hand on her lower back, and Ben saw red. But Lili fixed him with her icy stare, and he barely suppressed his desire to collapse Lothor’s esophagus.

Then he finally began to listen to Lili’s words.

“Not only did your mighty leader slaughter the would-be usurper Hux, but he captured the galaxy’s most prized criminal.” Lothor marched Rey before the dais. “The little Jedi who murdered our late Supreme Leader Snoke has been brought to heel at last; already your Kylo Ren has inflicted upon her the humiliation that she deserves.” Ben watched the crowd as all eyes followed Rey; he saw their stares land on her swelling stomach, saw as assumptions clicked into place, filling in the ambiguous gaps of Lili’s declaration.

“Kylo Ren’s loyalty to the First Order has been unwavering,” Lili continued, “there is no room for doubts, suspicions, or rumors. Whatever slander floats among you about his loyalties is nothing short of treason. He stands before you, strong and unbroken, ready to reclaim his position as the head of this cause. And the proof of his devotion stands before you,” Lili gestured to Rey. The blood ran hot through his veins; he saw the hungry stares of the First Order officers, drinking in Rey’s ripe form, the billowing layers of black and red hanging from her. She kept her chin high, but Ben couldn’t swallow the desire to throttle every last one of them.

Lili released her grip on his arm: his signal to speak. He swallowed hard, feeling lightheaded from the pounding of his blood. He forced menace and power into his voice, tapping into the hollow man he once was. Just then, he felt Rey’s gentle light wrapping around him, as if to protect him from the darkness that threatened to creep in.

“Every one of us is susceptible to death,” Ben began. “Each and every man and woman in this room is susceptible to capture, torture, attack, pain, misery, every manner of suffering that the self-righteous Resistance could think to inflict.” He paused. Swallowed. Stood up straighter. “I have been subject to each of these things, save my own demise.” He had, indeed, suffered in the cells of the Resistance. But as he recounted his trials, he thought only of his treatment under Snoke. “I have been tortured, beaten down, brought low, broken to the brink of death, stripped of comfort and even my very identity.” He lost himself for a moment as the memories of each trial sizzled under his skin, like a hologram replaying every pain and purgation throughout his body. “At the hands of the Resistance,” he forced himself to add. “But here I stand. I refused to remain in my shackles; I refused to remain a prisoner of their warped, deceitful ideals. And this desert scum before you is proof of my victory.” The words felt like poison on his tongue, but he knew Rey understood the true meaning of his words. He did, indeed, refuse to remain imprisoned--imprisoned by Snoke’s lies, Snoke’s manipulation and abuse, and it is his love for Rey, the purity of their Bond, that is proof of this triumph. But the men and women in this room were enraptured by his words, staring at him with a cautious, curious sort of awe. “Whom do you want leading you?” he asked them, pausing to allow them a moment to think. “A distant figurehead commanding you like pawns, risking your lives for his own selfish, obscure ends? Or one who knows what it is to suffer, one who knows what he is asking each of you? One who has experienced the risks of war firsthand?”

For a moment there was silence, a heavy pause that swept like wind throughout the Great Hall. And then, all at once, applause broke out. _Sheep_ , he thought viciously.

He felt rather than saw Lili’s smug, satisfied smile. He turned toward the Empress and bowed slightly, just low enough for her to place a simple silver circlet atop his head to match her own. And the people broke out into applause once again.

Already droids were whirring around the room, handing drinks and hors-d'oeuvres to the elite crowd in celebration of the occasion. Ben descended from the dais with Lili upon his arm, and, despite the power-hungry social climbers who flocked to his side, his eyes landed immediately on Rey once again. Lothor Ren still remained glued to her side like a vicious guard dog, but Sol Flora was nowhere to be seen. He must have slipped out. _Curious_.

But the thought was chased out of his mind as a slippery man sauntered toward Rey. Some Captain was attempting to gain Ben’s favor, but he simply nodded distantly, for all his attention was focused on Rey. He wasn’t close enough to hear the exchange, but over the heads of his simpering followers, he saw their every move. He recognized the man as Maxim Ilpalazzo; he was an exorbitantly wealthy General whose loyalty and riches were absolutely necessary to the First Order, and whose allegiance was hard-won. Maxim’s eyes raked up Rey’s form, and leaned close. Ben gently tapped into the Bond, listening through Rey’s ears. Discomfort and revulsion roared through Rey, and Ben forced himself to remain still and listen, which was growing more difficult by the second.

“ _The Empress talked of your beauty, but she didn’t say just how irresistible you are_.” Maxim’s voice slithered into Rey’s ear like a worm, and a shudder seized Ben. He wasn’t sure if it was Rey’s or his own. With sinking certainty, Ben knew that this was another one of Lili’s motives. Parade the prisoner like a prized possession, one to be traded and bartered like a piece of machinery. And already there was a bidder, chomping at the bit to taste his quarry.

Ben turned furiously toward the Empress, his nostrils flaring involuntarily. “Your Grace,” he said with forced deference through his clenched jaw, “A word?”

“I think not,” Lili replied vehemently. She leaned toward him, bringing her mouth to his ear. “You will do nothing. Now smile and nod like a good boy.” His hands shook with his rage, and he thought his teeth might actually shatter.

 _Listen to her_ , Rey commanded through the bond. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one eavesdropping.

 _I can’t_.

 _Your rage is so loud I can’t think. I need to be able to think._ Her voice sounded desperate in his head, and it did nothing to calm him. But he couldn’t do anything but obey. _I can handle myself_ , Rey added.

_Rey, what are you planning?_

_I told you_ , she said distractedly as she attempted to focus on navigating the interaction in front of her, _I’m getting us out of here_.

“Kylo,” Lili hissed impatiently, as if she’d said his name multiple times.

“What?” he snapped.

“Look at the Jedi one more time, and I’ll snap her neck.” His eyes fell to the crowd, ripped away from Rey. But he still heard Maxim’s silky voice through Rey’s ears.

“ _It doesn’t bother me_ ,” the man said, tracing his finger over Rey’s stomach. And he could almost taste the man’s desire. “ _I’d rather not be the one to break you in_.”

“Your threats are becoming a little empty, Empress. You wouldn’t kill her now. You need her,” Ben commented. “It seems Ilpalazzo’s taken a liking to her.”

“Please, a bit of flesh can be replaced in a heartbeat. She’s merely a conquest--entirely dispensable.”

“And what do you think I’d do--if you actually killed her, what do you think would happen, _Lilelis_?” he practically hissed, finally dropping his pretense. Ben scoffed. “That I’d cow to your will? You’d be dead before she hit the ground.”

Rather than fire back a retort, Lili’s eyes actually shone with fear. And for the briefest moment, Ben didn’t feel so powerless.

Just then, a cry pierced through the dull chatter of the room, and fear turned Ben’s hot blood to ice. It was Rey, he knew instinctively. He would know her cry anywhere. He felt a shuddering shift in the Force, and the room tilted slightly. His eyes flew back to where Rey had been standing, but he didn’t see her. He searched the crowd frantically, desperately, seeking out her presence in the Force.

 _What’s happening? Rey, what are you doing?_ Maybe this was part of her mysterious plan of rescue, he hoped desperately, but somehow he knew it wasn’t.

But she didn’t respond. Through the Bond, pain roared and stabbed at his abdomen.

 _The baby_ , he realized with a chilling, clawing dread. He barely registered the shouting, the confused chaos of the people around him. Lili was sheet-white beside him. This was not part of her plan, either.

Finally, Ben’s eyes found Rey; a slight space cleared around her. She was on her knees, clutching her stomach. He flew to her side, shrugging off Lili’s grip and flinging the crowd away from Rey. Lothor Ren fought back to his feet and made towards Rey; this time, Ben didn’t hesitate. With a clench of his fist, he pulverized Lothor’s throat, and the vicious Knight of Ren fell to the ground.

“Ben,” Rey managed through clenched teeth.

“This wasn’t part of your plan, I take it?” he said with forced lightness. Rey bit her lip and almost laughed in response, but through her pain, it was more like a growl. But the shock and confusion were swiftly wearing off of the crowd, and there was truly no time to talk. The time for convincing these sheep of anything was clearly at an end. He swept Rey into his arms, just as he’d imagined doing from the first moment they’d been on this gods-forsaken ship. He had no idea what to do or where to go. He turned like a frantic, trapped animal and centered himself, preparing to slaughter everyone in his path.

But something caught his eye to his right. A glow of red.

It was Ivan Ren--Sol Flora. Maskless. Saber ignited.

Suddenly, sirens started blaring, and distantly through the viewport, he saw an onslaught of X-Wings surrounding the _Vanquisher_.

The First Order was under attack; the Resistance was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihelllllooooooooooo GUESS WHO'S DONE WITH COLLEGE!!?!?!? ME! Anyway hi here's an update. It's time to get our babes OUTTA HERE. Except ISH IS REALLY HITTING THE FAN MAN REEEEALLY. I like have not been inspired lately and kind of just forced myself to write this because I wanted to give you all something. I hope you enjoyed! PS no joke your comments really do encourage me to keep going. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts, so please please share!


	30. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey, Ben, and Sol begin their escape.

    The pain was white-hot and blinding. She could hardly breathe, hardly think. Rey forced herself to focus on something to ground her, a technique that she employed in the long, hot days on Jakku to keep herself from slipping into oblivion. Then, it was the way the sand felt on her skin. Scratchy and grainy but somehow like an armor--a shield. She would run her hands through the sand, cursing it and thanking it all at once, letting it slip through her fingers. Now, she could barely hold onto a single thought for more than a heartbeat. She fought through the pain and sifted through her senses.

    Her eyes were rammed shut, she couldn’t hear past the pounding of blood in her ears, and all she could taste was the slight hint of iron that came from biting her tongue too hard. Rey took a deep breath through her nose. Leather, metal, musk, and something that was distinctly Ben. She latched onto the scent and wrapped it around herself like a cloak. Rey tried to ignore the physical sensations tearing through her abdomen and focused instead on the tower of warmth at her side, the feeling of strong hands underneath her legs and her shoulders, cradling her like she was the most precious thing in the galaxy. She leaned her head into Ben’s chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.

    “Hang in there,” he whispered raggedly through his labored breathing.

    “They’re coming,” she whispered back, not even sure if her voice was audible. _The Resistance_ , she thought triumphantly. In her pain-induced delirium, her mind slipped back to the events leading up to this cacophonous catastrophe.

    _Sol led her from her prison with masked gentleness; they marched down the monochromatic halls, and soon they approached a set of red doors that gave off a conflicting echo of sensuality and violence. They made her shudder, but Sol led her through them anyway. Behind the doors was a decadent entryway; there were settees covered in ornate brocades draped and dangling with jewels. Burgundy curtains hung from the ceiling; Sol parted them with the Force, and they slipped through. Inside the chamber, there was a team of women of various species, their hands filled with cosmetic devices that they wielded more like weapons. Measuring tape and brushes and paints and silks and things that Rey didn’t even have a name for; the sight of it made her heart twist as she was reminded of Leia and Amara primping her before the gala on Naboo. How far she’d come in these months--had it really been almost a year since that night?_

_The women didn’t bother introducing themselves, but she could see guarded sympathy in their eyes. Their movements were not gentle by any means, but she could see and feel the artistry in their work. The way they scrubbed her skin reminded her of salvaging spare parts from the fallen Empire ships. She was a prized relic, and fixing her up would guarantee safety and full bellies. Rey resigned herself to being the means of that safety; she knew these women were only doing what they had to do to survive. She sat still as they tugged at her hair, coated it with smoothing liquids, covered her face in powders and paints and kohl. Soon, her reflection was nearly unrecognizable. Though even she could recognize that she looked beautiful, she felt hollow. She did nothing to conceal the emptiness of her gaze, and in the mirror she saw the visor of Sol’s mask trained on her face. She dipped her consciousness into the Force and felt within him pity, compassion, and a hint of fear that shot through her like an icy spike. Why was he afraid?_

_“Give her a moment,” he commanded the women, and they fled the room immediately. Sol crossed the room and said under his breath, “Now’s your chance.” He followed the women through the curtain, leaving Rey completely alone._

_Not wasting a single moment, Rey dug the comm unit out of her breast bindings and punched out a comm frequency with shaking fingers._ Please come through, please come through _, she begged the Maker. The beeping droned on, and she felt her heartbeat syncing up with the rhythm of the tone._

_Suddenly, the beeping stopped, the comm connected, but no one spoke._

_“Finn?” Rey spoke hesitantly._

_“Rey!” he responded immediately, his voice swimming with relief and worry and urgency. “Rey, are you okay? Are you safe? We’re coming for you.”_

_“I don’t have much time, Finn. I’m okay at the moment but my safety is entirely conditional. We’re being held hostage aboard the First Order’s_ Vanquisher _. Sweet is a mole; she brought me straight to the First Order. Some vile, rich woman named Lilelis is the new Supreme Leader, and I think she’s going to kill me.” Rey said this all in one breath, and she swallowed down a sob as she thought about the true horror of her circumstances. “She wants Ben to rule at her side and is using me as a bargaining chip. Please--we are trapped, and we need help. I’ll transmit you our coordinates. I have to go.” She cut out their connection before he had the chance to respond, and furiously sent their coordinates to Finn. Not even two minutes had passed before Sol returned with several Stormtroopers. She could sense the apology in his movements, but he still grabbed her roughly and nearly dragged her out of the preparation chamber, then back into the cold, metallic halls of the_ Vanquisher _. But there was a spark of hope in her now, and though dread was rising in her chest, she held her head high._

Rey tightened her grip on Ben, and he hoisted her closer to him. The pain in her uterus began to recede just a little, and her awareness began to sharpen. Ben was barreling through halls of the ship, and beside them, Rey heard the singing sound of a lightsaber blocking off blaster bolts. She looked over Ben’s shoulder and saw troopers racing after them. She casually but intently swept her hand through the air behind them, and the troopers flew backwards, crashing into metal walls and pieces of machinery.

    “Through that door,” she heard Sol’s voice command ferociously, and she felt Ben’s hand barely twitch beneath her, throwing open a door with the Force. They stormed through the main bridge, past a wide viewport, and then through a small passageway. The lights began to flicker, and then the hallway went completely black, only lit by the eerie red glow of Sol’s saber. Someone was up to something; it must be some sort of security measure--perhaps Lili thought this would deter them.

    But they simply kept moving.

    “Let me down; I can run,” Rey pleaded with Ben as they darted down the long, dark hall.

    “Not a chance,” he snarled and squeezed her tighter.

    Soon, they approached a sliding door to the main hangar, and they careened to a stop. All three of them peered through the small window, and joy surged in Rey’s chest as she saw the Resistance emblem filling up the hangar, orange pouring down ramps, blaster bolts flying.

    She let out a celebratory cheer, which, in an instant, turned into a shriek of pain as her abdomen ripped through with another wave of agony. Ben’s eyes raked over her body, and she could feel worry and helplessness pouring off of him.

    “She’ll be okay,” Sol said confidently. “Breathe, Rey.”

    _Breathe. Just breathe_ , she heard Luke’s voice echo through her mind. And she listened. She began taking deep, shuddering breaths, trying to find a calm centeredness through the searing pain. She forced her eyes open and looked again through the window, letting the Resistance’s rescue fortify her.

    “We have to go to them,” she croaked.

    “It’s not safe yet,” Ben said with finality.

    “The longer we wait, the more people die. For us. We have to get on one of those ships.”

    Ben worried his lip with his teeth for a long moment, and his hands closed tighter around Rey. “Fine,” he said through a clenched jaw. “Sol,” he said, nodding to the door.

Sol compliantly swiped his hands through the air and parted the immobile door. They began racing through the hangar towards the Resistance ships, and Rey’s eyes landed on three familiar forms ferociously shooting their blasters at oncoming storm troopers. Rose, Finn, and Poe stood near the _Millennium Falcon_ , and Rey felt tears fall down her face that had nothing to do with her labor pains. _Hold on, Padme_ , she thought gently to the baby trying to get out of her. _We’re almost safe_.

“Rey!” Rose shouted euphorically.

As Ben, Rey, and Sol raced towards them, a blood-curdling shriek suddenly sounded through the hangar. It made Rey’s blood turn to ice, and suddenly everything halted to a stop: the blasters, Ben and Sol’s feet, the attacking troopers. Everything hung in the air like dustmotes in a beam of light.

“STOP!” screamed a shrill voice. Rey lifted her head and saw the trembling, raging form of the Empress. Ellona Sweet stood by her side.

“Let me down,” Rey told Ben.

“ _No_ ,” he seethed back.

“ _Let. Me. Down_ ,” she commanded. Ben’s nostrils flared and his mouth twisted, but he complied.

Through her pain, Rey straightened herself out and stood tall. Somehow, the action in the room was still at a stand-still. Lili’s inhuman shrieking was so horrifying that everyone was immobile, and the powerful threat of Sweet at her side kept them paralyzed. But not Rey. She took one step toward them, and before Sweet could react, Rey twisted her hands in the air and bound Sweet’s hands behind her back with nothing but the Force. Though they were at least 50 yards away, none of that space inhibited Rey’s power. Rey squeezed her fist and kept squeezing until she felt the bones in Sweet’s wrists crush under the Force. Sweet collapsed to the ground, and screamed in pain, and only then did Rey release her hold. Then, before any troopers reacted, Rey flung her hand up and said with a snarl, “Come,” as if she were commanding a dog.

Lili flew through the air, knocking into tables and machinery on the way across the room. Her expensive, black regalia fluttered behind her in the air like an eerie trail of smoke, as if she were a ship on its last legs. Suddenly, her throat collided with Rey’s extended hand with a force that nearly knocked Rey backwards, but her feet were firmly planted.

“You thought you could get away with this,” Rey hissed. “You thought you had won. You thought you could control Ben, torture me, harm my child and emerge unscathed.” Through her words, Rey was hardly aware of the battle beyond her resurging. The Resistance was emboldened by this turn of events, and people began storming past the First Order soldiers, into the ship, clearly intent on destroying as much of this regime as possible while they had the chance. She didn’t even have a moment to relish in the fact that every important person in the First Order was currently aboard this ship. She could only focus on the ice-cold eyes of the vile woman before her. “You were wrong,” Rey continued, tightening her grip on Lili’s throat, ignoring the repulsive sounds of the woman gasping for air. Her face was turning purple, her eyes watering, veins bulging. Lili began clawing at Rey’s hands on her throat, but Rey was unfazed.

“Please,” Lili barely stuttered.

“Oh, you want mercy? The real mercy would be to crush your throat right here, right now.” Rey paused, and for a moment she squeezed even tighter. But she suddenly released her grip, and Lili collapsed to the ground. “You, Empress, do not deserve the mercy of a clean death.” Rey let out a shaky breath and stumbled backwards, nearly falling against the solid wall of Ben as pain began to once again seize her abdomen.

From behind her, Ben stroked her face with a soothing hand, placed a soft kiss against her temple, then wordlessly scooped her back into his arms. He began heading towards the _Falcon_. Over his shoulder, Rey saw Sol gazing menacingly down at Lili before Force-wiping her unconscious and levitating her toward the ship.

Only when they were making their way up the _Falcon’s_ ramp did Ben finally whisper, “We’re going home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Star Wars Day!! Here's a little gift for all of you. Hopefully this chapter delivers on some of your long-held wishes ;) I thought our babes deserved a little bit of unqualified victory. This fic is nearing its end, but I hope that I can deliver a satisfying conclusion! Please please let me know your thoughts! Every single comment makes me jump with joy. Thank you for reading! Much love xox


	31. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Padme is born at last!

Distantly, Rey was aware of a hand on her face. Reality swam around her in glimpses. She was in a medbay. How did she get here? The conflicting feelings of pain and comfort warred for attention in her mind and body. Pain: the ripping sensation in her abdomen--the pulsing, throbbing, violent feeling that shook her entire being. The pounding of her head as she  _ pushed, pushed, pushed _ . Rey was no stranger to pain, but this was blinding. 

But there were other things she barely registered--comforting sensations that seeped into her consciousness like sunlight through tree leaves. She heard a kind, gravelly voice telling her to breathe, and she couldn’t help but listen. She felt a hand with knobbly bones, fingers covered in rings gripping her own hand, imbuing her with strength and purpose. She didn’t need to look to know it was Leia. She saw a brief flash of a familiar face hovering by her side, framed by thick black bangs and wispy, swooping curls. Rose. As her mind floated, Rey desperately needed something to ground her--someone. 

“Ben,” she croaked through her labored breaths, through her groans of agony. Instantly a hand tightened on her shoulder.

“I’m here,” he said in a low, gentle timbre. She leaned her head over into his large hand that was splayed across her tunic, and he wiped the hair from her eyes, the sweat from her face. “You can do this,” he added with unquestionable sincerity.

“I can’t,” she whimpered.

“She’s almost here. Keep going, Rey.”

“One more push,” said a doctor whom Rey didn’t recognize. 

For a moment, Rey’s mind went blank. For just a sliver of a heartbeat, her mind raced back to a particularly awful day on Jakku.  _ She was twelve years old, and she hadn’t eaten in two days. She needed a part desperately, or she would die. Her mind was foggy with heat and hunger, but she kept marching. She needed to find something, anything. Anything. She crawled into a fallen Star Destroyer and that’s when she spotted it. A shiny silver transpacitor that would surely guarantee her at least two days worth of portions. She raced to it, nearly passing out in her excitement and eager desperation. When she reached her destination, her heart plummeted all the way to her ankles. It was just out of her reach, and there was no way for her to climb to it. She kicked the ship in frustration, kicked so hard she was certain she’d have to limp back to her AT-AT. If she walked out empty-handed, that was it. She’d have to start begging. She’d have to compromise something of herself. She knew it. And she couldn’t. _

In the present, tears came to her eyes; she felt that same desperation right now, in this moment. The utter desolation of defeat, but the even stronger determination to succeed. To get up. To live. To thrive. 

_ 12-year-old Rey stared defeat in the eyes, and she spat in its face. She squatted low to the ground, and jumped with as much effort and force as her malnourished form allowed. She leapt up and just missed.  _

On the table in the med-bay, Rey pushed as hard as she was physically able.

_ Young Rey jumped again, this time springing so hard she nearly blew out her knees. She didn’t reach the transpacitor. _

Rey kept pushing.

_ She jumped one last time, and her outstretched hand latched onto a small rut in the durasteel just below the transpacitor. She gripped as hard as she could and felt her shoulder dislodge just slightly, but she kept gripping. She hoisted her left arm up and tore the part bodily out of its socket, then collapsed to the ground. She didn’t dare groan from pain, fearing that another scavenger would hear her and steal her finding. She shoved her shoulder around until she could comfortably swing it, then darted back out of the ship, hunger and pain be damned. She would live to see another day. _

In the medbay that very air held its breath as Rey pushed one final time. The room was at once warm and cold, but light seeped through every atom in the room as a slight cry-cough pierced the air. And baby Padme took her first breath.

-

The first time Ben held Padme in his arms, his throat was utterly dry. He felt his Adam’s Apple catching as he tried to swallow, and only after a long, breathless moment did he manage it. His mouth fell open--much like it did the first time he connected with Rey in the Force. This moment felt much like that memory--the shock, the hope, the instant, bone-deep belonging.

The first thing that struck him about his daughter was how small she was. He cradled her in his arms, and something in his heart felt decimated and reborn all at once. He couldn’t stop staring at her face; she looked so grumpy and upset at having left her warm little home inside of Rey. He forced his thoughts away from all the ways he could relate to the feeling, flushing at the thought. Ben reached out to brush Padme’s cheek, and Padme stuck her tiny little hand up in the air and gripped his finger, barely fitting all of hers around its width. 

He felt rather than saw Rey looking at them, and when he glanced up at her, he melted with the near-beatific smile spread across her face. He closed the small space between them and knelt to the ground so his face could be level with Rey’s. 

“Some privacy,” Ben ground out lowly, and the few friends left in the room petered out. 

Rey held out her arms, and Ben carefully gave Padme back to Rey. 

“She’s beautiful,” Rey whispered.

“She is,” Ben echoed, and a hot tear escaped from his eye. “Just like her mother.”

The moment felt too perfect--too heavy, after all they’d just endured. Both of them knew that they’d barely escaped with their lives, and Ben knew that neither of them was ready to process it. All he could focus on at the moment was how grateful he was--for his own life, yes, but for Rey’s and Padme’s even more. For a long pause, neither of them said anything. Rey met his eyes, and his own gaze bore into hers. 

Finally, Rey broke the silence with a laugh. “Shove off,” Rey teased. “I look like a pile of wet socks.”

“You’ve never looked better,” he said with a roguish smirk.

“You’re full of it,” she whispered, bringing her face close to Ben’s. She pressed a light kiss to his temple that barely brushed over his skin. With that little ounce of contact, the extent of Rey’s exhaustion swept through his body, and Ben immediately tensed with concern.

All levity left his face. “You need to rest.” 

“I want to enjoy this,” she said with a pout, but already he could feel her giving in.

“You will,” he said in a rasping whisper. “But I need you to be well.” 

Another long, silent pause fell between them. The only noise was their breathing and the occasional garbled noise from Padme.

“Ben?” Rey said after a while.

“Hm?” 

“I’m afraid,” she confessed in a shaky voice.

“So am I,” he replied levelly. 

“When we were with Lili--”

“We don’t have to talk about it yet,” Ben interrupted.

“I need to get this out,” she said firmly. “I’ve faced starvation and despair and near-death plenty of times, but I have never been so afraid. Not in my life.” Rey was shaking. “That monster had utter control over us, and I never thought I’d make it here, safe, with you by my side and Padme in my arms. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe, Ben. This war--this world. How can we protect her?”

“With our lives,” Ben snarled through his clenched teeth. He slipped his hand behind Rey, and she scooted to the edge of the bed, lifting her chin and inviting him beside her. Ben slid onto the gurney, encompassing Rey with his arms, with his body. Holding her close. “I’m ending this war. Whatever it takes. I’m ending Lili, and I’m toppling the First Order. I will tear apart this whole damn galaxy if it means keeping my family safe.”

Ben felt the fear spike through Rey at his words, and his heart contracted for a moment.

“Please don’t say that,” she whispered, and he hated himself for the tear that he saw fall down her cheek. He heard another plea resound through his mind.  _ Please don’t go this way _ , Rey had said.

Something dark inside of Ben flared, and in his fear, he let it rear its ugly head. “You wanted me to be a better man. But you don’t need the better man, Rey. You need the monster--the one who keeps other monsters away.”

“I’d rather die.” She said coldly and leaned away from him. “I want  _ you _ . I-- _ need  _ you.”

He paused and tugged her closer, wrapped his arms more firmly around her. As her warmth spread throughout him, the darkness receded. And he was left feeling raw and vulnerable. “How do you do it?” He forced the question through the crumbling wall around his heart--the one that he had spent decades building and barely a year toppling. “How do you choose the light when there is so much to protect? So much to lose?”

Rey turned towards Ben, bit her lip in the way that had always made his pulse quicken. She held his gaze for a long, heavy moment, then she--she laughed? 

“Did you really learn nothing from your grandfather?” she asked with a shake of her head. “From all those years of bliss as  _ Kylo Ren _ ? I’ve felt the dark. I jumped headfirst into the dark. And you know what I found?” Ben looked away from her, but she freed her hand from under Padme’s little legs and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look back at her. “I know you know. It’s emptiness. Ben, you don’t need me to tell you this. The dark takes, and it takes, and it takes, and you fall and you tumble and you spiral, and you try to convince yourself that you’re jumping. That you’re in control. But what do you find at the bottom of that cavernous pit, the one that calls to you with promises of safety and protection?”

“Nothing,” he ground out for her.

“That’s right,” she said with such surety that it felt like she was carving her words into his bones. “I don’t need to be worrying about your soul when I’m already worried about protecting Padme. Promise me I don’t have to worry about that, Ben.”

Fear and helplessness and desperate love tore at his heart--they tore so fiercely that he thought his stomach would split open then and there. He bit his lip and clung more tightly to Rey. He thought about what she’d said--about his grandfather. Anakin had let fear for his wife be his ruin. But Ben refused to succumb to the same fate. “I promise,” he finally said. The words came from somewhere deep within, and the truth of them echoed in the space between him and her. For that brief moment, it felt like they were the only ones who existed. The lonely, orphaned scavenger, the fallen, desolate prince, and the family, the belonging they’d carved out, embodied in the helpless baby between them. 

But both Ben and Rey knew that those moments of respite were stolen. That the perfect, soothing peace was fleeting. 

Soon, Rey’s breathing began to even out. Ben gently extricated Padme from Rey’s arms, and simply held her, rocked her back and forth. He’d never really been around many babies, but he thought back to the various parents he’d seen as a young boy. He remembered Leia’s friends with fussy newborns, the way they swayed and bounced to soothe their wailing infants. He mimicked those memories, and Padme seemed to like it. She gazed up at him with something akin to wonder, and Ben felt so much trust and dependency in that gaze that it almost stole his breath away. In that brief exchange of gazes, he felt an irrevocable devotion take root in him. A love that, prior to this moment, he never would’ve been able to comprehend. 

For an instant, the face of Han flashed before his eyes. He felt the phantom touch of Han’s thumb across his cheek, and a feeling of regret clouded over this perfect moment.

“I wish he was here,” Ben whispered to Padme. Or to himself. He closed his eyes and tugged his daughter closer.  _ I will never let you become like me _ , he thought resolutely. He didn’t realize he was crying until he saw the gathering wetness on Padme’s blanket. 

He stayed like that, swaying and holding Padme close, until a nurse entered the room. He handed over his daughter, and soon the young man--whose name, Ben learned, was Nox--began tending to Padme and providing the care she needed. Ben pressed a long, soft kiss to Rey’s forehead, and exited the room about as eagerly as Padme left Rey’s womb.

-

When Ben stepped out of Rey’s medchamber, he didn’t have enough time to even brace himself before Poe Dameron was crashing into him with a strangling hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, the Solos are a fully-fledged family! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. A little bit o' angst and a whole lot of fluff :) I love writing Ben as a dad. <3 He's come so far!!! Anyway, thank you so much for reading. Let me know what you think!


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